Blocking the exit from the facility is an, uh, interesting sprite. This sad creature, with his flat-top haircut and pancake makeup, is clearly intended to resemble Kefka, though he opts out of the clown robes in favor of white parachute pants and a gold birdcage around his chest. It’s not boring, I’ll give him that. But unlike Kefka, Number 024, as he is labeled in the boss fight, is trivial enough, and whatever Esper mojo was imparted to him in this here facility is not enough to overcome the party of powerhouse dipshits I threw together two recaps ago with no strategic purpose in mind. He does periodically cast “WallChange,” in which he turns on his personal light projector and shimmers with a rainbow of colors, making him immune to all elemental types except one, to which he is weak. Thankfully for me none of his immunities are to Kyan putting his long hard sword in his face. It’s nothing, basically, but he is a shirtless Ziggy Stardust summoning his own rainbow so I couldn’t not mention it.

This is going to be the new Nyan Cat, I can feel it.

With Number 024 now dead and unable to ever see his best friend 021 again, the party can proceed into the heart of the facility. In here, the tubes are all occupied. While one of the two closest to the door has what I will call a “classic” Esper look–i.e. a shirtless muscle-bound humanoid that resembles Jason Momoa’s Aquaman–the other three abutting this catwalk are, well, animals. One tube has a little fawn, another holds a green panther of some kind, and appropriately, the one across from Aquaman is a fucking whale, only it’s the same size as the fawn. What am I to believe, that this is some fantastical pygmy whale? Please. My suspension of disbelief only goes so far, and it got maxed out at a woman willingly accepting an engagement ring from Winona.

In the center of the room, Kyan finds a big red switch to flip, bracketed by two more Espers in tubes, though thanks to my top-drawer video quality these are harder to describe. I think one is a Dementor? Sure, let’s go with that. Kyan pulls the lever down with a very satisfactory click. One of the Espers–let’s go with the whale–says, “You want to help me… But…I haven’t long to live. Just as Ifrit did before me, I’ll give to you my power…” Before Kyan can respond, “I’m full up on candy, thank you though,” the six tubes in the room are now occupied with floating Magicites, and from offscreen, someone named Cid is demanding, “What are you doing there?” Oh, just hitting big red kill switches that may as well be labeled “TOUCH ME,” how about you?

Cid physically appears a moment later, riding a lift up to Kyan’s level and rushing over to see what damage this intruder has done. I think Cid may have appeared prior to this in a Twiggy or Celes flashback, but in case he hasn’t, all you need to know about him is he is wearing a hooded yellow rubber raincoat. Looking at him now, I strongly suspect Nash’s Vibrator Big Bird suit was designed as an homage to Cid here. Even the dumb shape of his head is kind of the same. Cid and his sex offender mustache take an accelerated stroll around the room, taking in each Jolly Rancher in turn. “So…Esper magical power can only truly be transferred when one of them passes away…” he mutters. I must again register my surprise that a) the Empire has not, even accidentally, figured this out after almost two decades of Esper torture, and b) given that they had not, nobody on the side of the Good Guys seems all that interested in protecting this information. Oh, there’s an even more efficient method for both murdering the Other and stealing their powers, you say? Helpful!

In, I have to imagine, a gesture of defiance toward this rubber-ducky-looking-ass Nazi scientist, the six dead Espers shatter their glass prisons and float over to Kyan, zooming into his protective pectoral muscles in unison. That’s right. Daddy will safeguard you, just like his wife and chi–shit.

At this point Kyan’s companions, perhaps expelled by the Magicites worming their way in there, spill out of him. Celes and Cid greet each other cordially enough, but he asks her, “And who might these dubious characters be? Your troops?” I feel like his opinion of Celes must not be that high if he thinks these are people she would deliberately recruit. He goes on, as Celes is stammering, “Can it be true that you came here as a spy, seeking to cause an uprising!?” Only going off Winona’s surprised reaction (and the fact that someone in town also mentioned this earlier), what Cid is wondering is if Celes joined the Rebels as a double-agent, not if Celes, you know, clandestinely infiltrated this facility to spy on the Empire, because duh, dude. I would say Celes is the worst possible choice for a double-agent, given that she’s the world’s most notorious war criminal, but these dopes are so sappy and trusting and desperate to project that they think this hot lady is hot that it comes all the way around to making sense. How could you, Celes?!?!

As Winona’s sprite has taken on 20 percent more of a sad puppy face (what, can’t you tell?) Kefka enters the room, cackling delightedly. I assume he’s found mirth in the dissolution of Celes and Winona’s non-relationship, but he’s laughing at an entirely different thing that had to have been revealed well before he was within earshot: “So that’s it! Magicite… Cid, you miserable blockhead!” I mean, no argument from me on that last part.

But enough about Cid and how ignorant the world’s foremost researchers of Espers and magic are about Espers and magic. Kefka shouts, “Now… General CELES!! The game’s over. Bring me those Magicite shards!” Ha, joke’s on you, asshole, Kyan’s already made them into a charm bracelet and she’ll pry that baby off his cold dead wrists. Now that two known villainous assholes have merely suggested Celes’s duplicity with no evidence whatsoever, without even waiting to hear her response, suggestible Winona bugs out and sobs, “CELES! You…deceived me!?” Winona is of course sensitive to the real problem here: Celes not being 100 percent loyal to him personally. I bet he wishes he had a time machine right now so he could drug Celes into a coma and store her in an old man’s basement before discovering her gutting betrayal. This fucking guy.

Celes snaps back, “Of course not! Have a little faith!” But it’s too late, as Kyan piles on with, “See! I knew she couldn’t be trusted!” Gau says nothing at all and endears himself to me forever. Kefka giggles that Celes has “tricked” all of them, literally half a second after Kyan said he never trusted her. Pay attention, man. Celes moves toward the edge of the platform–probably with the back of her hand held melodramatically to her forehead–and gazes down into the yawning abyss around the Esper tanks. “WINONA… Please believe me…” she begs him, but Winona is noncommittal. This isn’t even on the word of someone trustworthy! “Well, I’ve traveled with Celes and grown to like her, maybe even love her, and I was already planning my marriage proposal at the bottom of the Cave of Dangers! But this murderous sociopath clown said she’s bad! What to do?” THIS FUCKING GUY.

A wedge driven, somehow, between his enemies, Kefka gives a signal and two soldiers in Magitek suits charge forward. “Exterminate all of them!” he commands, and the Magiteks plow into the group, including Cid. He and Celes are either knocked away or leap out of the path of destruction, while Winona, Kyan, and Gau are pinned against the back wall. The scene is overlaid by a fuchsia light filter–is this supposed to be blood in, what, my eyes?–and Celes, hanging from the edge of the platform, says, “WINONA… Let me protect you for once… Maybe now… Now you’ll believe me…” If only she can save Winona’s life! (And those other two, whatever their names are, I guess!) That will prove she’s worthy of his affections!

Final Fantasy VI, now in EDGEWORTH-O-VISION

I cannot deal with these two sober.

Celes, spurred to action by her love of Winona, God save us all, leaps back onto the platform and raises her hands. A tinkly sound effect later, the screen overlay changes from fuchsia to teal, and we are apparently to take this as Celes combatting whatever it is Kefka’s doing. “CELES!” he shouts. “W…What are you doing? Stop it!!!” But Celes is not done: using some kind of phase magic–look, I’m flailing, here–she enlarges all the pixels on the screen, and when everything is both back to normal color and doesn’t look like Minecraft, she, Kefka, and the Magiteks are gone, leaving only Kyan, Gau, and Winona in a (very much not erotic) heap. When will Winona stop killing women?!

A second love interest’s possible death on his hands, Winona at least manages to hang his head and look sad for a minute. Gau and Kyan rouse themselves and do not bother comforting him, as they should not. And now that the danger has passed, Cid returns from stage right. He asks them what happened, as if they have the foggiest idea, but before Winona can try mansplaining it to him anyway, the building starts to rumble. That was a load-bearing Celes! “This is a disaster!” Cid yells, as he runs around checking all the Esper canisters. “Your fighting has caused the capsules to rupture! Their contents are spilling out!” But the tubes all broke well before there was any…you know what? It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. This game is going to end with Winona and Celes having six kids, all named Rachel and Edgar, and there’s nothing you or I can do about it.

Winona and Gau fold back into Kyan, and a good thing because just the sight of Winona’s tiny sprite face was starting to give me a twitch in my right eyelid. This is probably the precursor to an embolism. Cid beckons Kyan over to the lift he used to ride up here, and they have a conference on the elevator ride down. “Kefka has used me…used the Empire,” Cid exposits. “What have I done…? The life-energy of those Espers…” This dude had a bunch of living creatures hooked up to magic vacuum cleaners and it took them dying from that instead of being sucked dry and dumped, still alive, down a garbage chute for him to realize his actions were maybe immoral. Fuck off, Big Bird. But he tells Kyan, who surely very much cares, “You’ve helped me come to a decision. I’m going to talk to the Emperor and have this stupid war stopped!” Well, time to turn the game off! Cid’s got this whole situation handled!

The elevator stops near a save point. Kyan makes use of it and talks to Cid again, who has not moved one inch to carry out his perfect plan of telling the Emperor that his war on the rest of the planet is bad and they should stop. He’s probably forgotten he even said it, as he has now moved on to exposition about Celes. “CELES…I’ve known her since she was a baby,” he says. “I raised her as if she was my own daughter! But she was forced to become a Magitek Knight, and has done some awful things.” Forced by whom, I wonder! Not this guy! He’s like a father to her! “If I could only talk to her…I’d apologize for the way her life has turned out.” He did get to talk to her just now, and used that precious opportunity to call her a spy. I hope the WORLD’S GREATEST DAD coffee mug Celes gave him when she was a kid just got shattered with all his Esper tubes.

Lest Cid have any time to reflect on his active hand in all of these terrible events, an unmistakable hyena sound effect lets them know Kefka is nearby. Cid finally acts, tossing Kyan into a nearby mine cart and shoving it down the track so he can face Kefka alone. I would call this a selfless sacrifice, but it’s not like Kefka has any reason to kill him on sight (beyond being a loon who has never acted reasonably, but that didn’t start becoming a problem just now). He has no idea Cid is just about to become a noble hero. Any second now!

We leave Cid for a first-person view of Winona, Kyan, and Gau careening down the rails, a pixelated-pipes-and-girders version of Kyan, Gau, and Guile’s trip through the Serpent Trench. This is Kyan and Gau’s favorite date activity, is what I’m saying. It’s even complete with random battles, staged on a mine cart at least 20 times bigger than the one they are actually riding, against foes like “MagRoader,” a purple steroid demon with a big motorcycle tire where its genitals should be, even though this is a rail track and not a road. Points for being the first interesting monster I’ve seen all day, though.

I think I had this screensaver in Windows 95.

The track splits and turns a few times, and I honestly could not tell you watching it whether I have any control over the cart’s path. If this implies I’m worried about it, I apologize for being unclear. Four minutes into this journey, the party is ambushed by another boss with a number for a name, this one called Number 128. This one doesn’t remotely resemble Kefka, and in fact is a closer match to my new buddy the MagRoader, given that they’re both muscular, naked, and purple. Number 128, though, has scythes for hands (labeled separately as Left Blade and Right Blade) instead of a tire dick. Way to play it safe, Square. So pedestrian. The blade-arms don’t seem interested in doing much other than slapping Gau in his blissfully silent mouth. When the arms are blown off him by Kyan’s sword–leaving a couple of stumps full of severed data cables–Number 128 finally starts getting to the “good” stuff, namely casting Haste on itself, hitting all three boys with Atomic Ray, and plunking Gau some more with Red Feast, which heals the boss for the piddly shit amount it does in damage. It seems like maybe this means it was a bad idea to nuke the arms so quickly, but a) I’m not even sure if its attacks change based on whether the arms are active (and again, this is not to suggest that I care) and b) it just regenerates the fucking arms after a few fills of the ol’ ATBs anyway. Kyan gets taken out by a swift combo of Net (which casts Stop on him) and a right hook, but Winona finishes the job a moment later, appropriately enough with one last attempt to steal its rare item (a katana for Kyan called the Kazekiri) that of course is unsuccessful. I’d be way more tolerant of Winona’s “Treasure Hunter” self-fanfiction if he were any fucking good at it.

The mine cart careens out of the tunnel over Number 128’s corpse, crashing into a Magitek Knight at the end of its path and sending the cart, the mech, and the poor fucker piloting it into the abyss, while our heroes land bruised but safe next to a save point. Talk about good luck! It must be because they met that debonair gambler! Speaking of that perfect stud, when the team makes it back down to Vector–fleeing battle with the Empire’s Commando units as much as they can because I am shockingly low on items to heal these dumb, useless men–Setzer is there to greet them. Of course, he immediately asks, “What’s up with CELES?” which is a funny way to say, “Why is Celes not here?” Winona hangs his head and dribbles ellipses on the ground in response, and I fully expect Setzer to make a complete scene, either throttling Winona for not “protecting” her or rending his clothing because his “love” is dead, but he rises above my expectations this one time and replies, “We’ll talk later. Let’s get outta here!” Oh lord above, yes, LET’S. Celes will probably be fine! Great, even!

As the Knucklehead Quartet is scarpering, we check in on Kefka, who has relocated himself to the top of the Imperial ziggurat. Of Celes there is no sign, though the fact that she has escaped the companionship of both her friends and Kefka can only be good for her. Sweet solitude. Kefka paces to the railing on the left and hops atop it, like you do. “Crud! What a mess!!” he shouts, shaking both his fists directly at me. Hey, I’m not the one who suggested using “Crud” as a pseudo-swear should make a comeback. Kefka seems to reach a decision and goes inside to a small control room. “I don’t think so…! You won’t get away!” At the flip of a switch on the wall, two massive crane arms extend from the top of the pyramid. Okay, buddy. What are you going to do, catch Setzer’s fucking blimp out of the sky?

PRIZE GUARANTEED EVERY PLAY

On Setzer’s fucking blimp in the sky, the gang unnecessarily discusses the need to get out of there in a hurry. At least the ship is already airborne or this would be even dumber. “Speaking of which…” Setzer adds, looking down. “Maybe we should be leaving.” YOU ARE LITERALLY ALREADY LEAVING. THERE ARE CLOUDS ALL AROUND YOU. The four of them look over the railing and see something coming for them. Again, the thing in question is two crane arms attached to the top of the Empire’s headquarters. How long could they possibly be?

Do you see me stopping you?

And just like that, our brave Rebel Squadron is thrown into one more boss battle, against a pair of two-mile-long arms. Who approved this as an anti-aircraft defense? And we thought the Star Wars system was a bad idea! (Gen Z kids, just go watch The Americans, you’ll learn something.) The crane arms are on either side of the ship’s deck, with the boys sandwiched between them. The blimp structure itself is not rendered, I guess because it would make the screen too cluttered, or the designers were trying to make us forget as much as possible that this is happening on an airborne ship so assholes like me don’t question it. The crane on the left is not only resistant to lightning magic but seems to take on an electrical charge when struck with it, which makes sense for a mechanical structure. The right crane has a similar reaction to fire, and let’s just pretend that also makes sense so I am not saddled with another thing to think about right now. These crane arms have me at capacity.

I’ve never related to Gau more.

To distract from my humiliating non-mastery of this very simple gameplay mechanic, I will note that this is my first opportunity to use Setzer and his Slots ability in battle. This is the first appearance in the series of an ability that will later, among other uses, allow Wakka to throw lots of flaming balls at fiends. The images on Setzer’s particular slot rollers include the classic red seven and black BAR sign, a big blue sapphire (three of these make him summon rainbows!), and a Psyduck chocobo (fuck that, it is a Psyduck). I’m just getting the hang of getting the rainbow beams result consistently, and not summoning the rabbit in a wizard hat, when the party dies because I’ve been having Gau use Tek Laser this entire time without realizing it’s lightning damage. I mean, how was I to know a bolt of blue energy originally used by a mechanical suit would be electrical?!

On take thr–I mean, TWO, obviously, of course, I pull off an ugly but functional defeat of the most accidentally effective anti-aircraft weapon ever made, and the airship zips on out of there. On the deck, Winona hangs his head again, clearly very worried about what may have happened to Celes. “I’m worried about Twiggy,” he says. “Let’s return to Zozo.” WHAT. “Twiggy? Who’s that?” Setzer asks. And why wouldn’t he? They haven’t mentioned one word about this person since he joined them! But I’m sure when they fill him in on her whole deal, he will be very impressed with what good and conscientious friends they’ve been to her, and like them, forget entirely about what’s-her-name, their other very good friend.