Final Fantasy VI
Part 1
"The M-M-M-M-MAGIC!!! of Ritalin."
In the introductory hour we meet Twiggy, the easily depressed and near terminally clueless heroine of the first half of the game. So she doesn’t perish due to her natural female inferiority, the game sends a couple of strapping men her way. Unfortunately for Twiggy, they’re not much help, between their raging ADD and their raging lust for each other. Oh, what’s a Mary Sue to do?
Part 2
"Help us, Twiggy-Wan Kenobi, you’re our only hope!"
Twiggy, Winona, and Edgar waste a lot of time in South Figayro. Then they meet up with Guile and waste a lot of time at the Rebel Hideout. Then they meet up with The Sunflowardly Lion and waste a lot of time sailing around on a tiny raft. Then they meet up with Urktros and waste a lot of time fighting him. Got a lot of time on your hands? Then meet up with me for Part 2 and we’ll waste it together!
Part 3
"Kefka’s poison magic Koolaid!"
For whatever reason, when given the choice among a short quest with Twiggy and Edgar, a short quest with Winona, and a butt-ass long quest with Guile, I thought the Guile one sounded like a wholesome fun time. And, well, nothing says “fun” like homicidal clowns, asshole ninjas, gay Shakespearean bodyguards and ghost trains. Right? Right?
Part 4
"Down, Down, Left."
Guile hits a roadblock in his quest to swim in every major body of water in the world when he washes ashore on the Veldt and winds up spending several months training a wild boy and mailing letters for a man with no name. Then Twiggy does some stuff, but it’s not very interesting. Blow me over with a feather, already.
Part 5
"Ladies be treasonous!"
After briefly catching up with Winona and his new “love interest” (ha ha, good one, game designers), the traitorous General Celes, the whole gang reunites to protect Narshe and the MacGuffin Esper from Kefka. It’s an action-packed, thrilling battle, as long as you consider inexpertly navigating rock formations to headbutt sprites “thrilling.” I’m sure you do. Finally, Twiggy turns into an Esper, which mostly involves becoming pink and sparkly. Kyan is totally jealous.
Part 6
"THE SEARCH FOR TWIGGY. Oh, here she is."
Twiggy is AWOL, berserk with mysterious magic power, and could be anywhere in the world. So obviously now is a perfect time for our crack team of Twiggy Hunters to visit their old haunts and reminisce about that time Edgar and Guile’s dad died and they flipped a portentous coin, or that time Winona’s girlfriend died, but survived, then died again, but is still alive. Memories! And look, it’s not like Twiggy is alone and buck naked in a town full of criminals. She’s fine.
Part 7
"This game has too many men. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot."
I was all ready to spend this recap having a good, derisive laugh at the Classic 16-Bit Masterpiece™ that is Celes’s emotional, stirring (haha) star turn at the Jidoor Opera House. Harmless fun! Instead, Celes nearly dies, not from the four-ton weight an octopus tries to drop on her head, but from all the men in her orbit unloading two barrels of demeaning, patronizing, objectifying male bullshit right in her face. If I die tomorrow, please tell the newspaper to list my cause of death as “was mad online.”
Part 8
"Twiggy’s Two Dads"
Hey, remember how this game shamelessly lifts plots and character dynamics from Star Wars to the point that we used to call it out all the time? Well, I didn’t either, until this installment, in which the Rebels infiltrate the Empire’s headquarters (brought there by a rakish pilot who acts selfish and uncaring but deep down has a heart of gold), and the main character’s magic powers are contextualized by the reveal of her parentage. Though admittedly the back half takes a sharp left turn into Twilight territory. It’s a combination I never knew I needed, because I didn’t. No one did.