Last time, Twiggy bonded with Tritoch the MacGuffin Esper, and somehow made her resulting transformation into a human version of Pinkie Pie seem depressing. Our remaining Don Knottses, now that they’ve recovered from the trauma of witnessing Twiggy go all Friendship is M-M-M-M-Magic, are heading out to look for her, except for Winona and Gau, who have to stay behind and pretend to respect The Sunflowardly Lion.
The upshot of all this is that Edgar, Guile, Kyan, and Celes are returning to Figayro Castle. They get a move on just as soon as I spend another 20 minutes dicking around in menus, even though I know perfectly well I did that right before I saved last time. In the middle of this, I accidentally rearrange my group to be only Winona and Gau, which sounds like the ninth circle of hell. And then, at the last minute, I actually decide to bring in Winona at poor Kyan’s expense, for what will turn out to be stupid and sad reasons. Have fun being stuck with the unfuckables, Kyan!
Hey there, pal, there are children playing this.
Good to know I’m still bad at this. Eventually the revised gang of four is ready to go, and they march with haste southwest to Figayro. But I actually remember where to go this time, eliminating the possibility for now that I am stuck in a Momento amnesia loop with regard to this game. Whew! Inside Figayro Castle, Guile emerges from his brother’s ass and his sprite excitedly hops around. “This is like old times!” he shouts at his companions. “I have to wander around for a while!” And he runs off before any of the other towheads can get a word in edgewise. I’m sure Edgar will find him jumping on his old twin bed later. Which will give him the weirdest, most wonderful boner.
Edgar finds his–again, I swear, not evil–chancellor wandering around outside the throne room. The chancellor tells him to make himself at home, like Edgar is not literally king of this fucking castle. He’s not evil, but he is overstepping. I see you, chancellor. Edgar leaves the chancellor to do all the actual work of ruling for him and leads Winona and Celes to some random beds for a nap.
That night, or I dunno, five minutes later, we cut to Guile in the throne room, standing with his massive shoulders slumped between the twin thrones of Figayro. “Castle hasn’t changed much…” he says to himself. I’m not sure what he thought would have changed. Other than Edgar coating every surface in glitter and installing strobe lights and dance cages, and wait, why hasn’t Edgar done all of this? He’s got some explaining to do. But Guile takes a seat on one of the thrones and keeps talking to himself. “And yet it’s all different…Mom and Dad are gone…Everyone’s gone…Since that day…” Edgar is still here! And the nanny! And the chancellor! And all those guardclones outside don’t look any different! Guile is a dick.
To the game’s credit, instead of an awkward transition to a flashback via pixellated fade, the camera simply pans down from Guile to the other end of the room, where an old man, possibly a doctor, is talking to the chancellor. Well, this would be fully clever if Guile were remembering this just like he saw it when it happened, but it’s pretty clear he was not sitting on that throne back then. Still, style points. Over sad piano music, the possible doctor is saying, “…tonight… …took a turn for the worse… …there’s a chance he might…” Oh no, Guile and Edgar’s dad is about to kick the bucket! So sad for this dude we’ve never met.
The scene fades, undoing all that work from a moment ago, and returns as Guile, looking exactly like he does now, runs out of his room, sobbing, “Nooo…! Y…you’re wrong…! This can’t be…” A moment later, a guy in a jester outfit (not Kekfa) tells the royal nanny that the king is dead. It’s possible this scene took place immediately after Edgar gave Guile the news in the library and ran out sobbing himself. Another fade, and now Guile is running up the castle stairs, with Edgar chasing him and shouting his name. Edgar finds Guile outside, spilling his denial-laden feelings to the night air. As soon as Edgar shows up Guile starts crying, or at least I take it that’s what “B…brother… Waa, ahhh, ahhh…” is supposed to be. Either that or he’s a vampire on Sesame Street.
Edgar ignores his brother’s sniveling and says, “So… They went and told you…” I guess this wasn’t after Edgar himself brought it up, then, but if it wasn’t, when did that other flashback happen? I’m sure I’m overthinking this. Their matron finds them both, but only addresses Edgar: “Your father… He just uttered his last wish that [Figayro] be divided between you…” Okay, is he dead, or is he dying? Dude is taking his sweet time here. Also, since I’ve got the Plot Wizard on retainer, I know that what their father actually wants is for them to rule Figayro side by side. Her wording here makes it sound like he wants the nation to be cut in half down the middle (through as many babies as possible) and for them to each take a half. Words matter!
Trying not to take the sprite body language in its clearly intended way when grandma is standing right there.
But Guile doesn’t want to hear about how many baby legs he’s going to be ruling over. “This is NONSENSE!!” he shouts, pumping a fist. “Everyone’s saying that the Empire poisoned Dad… And the only thing on your minds is ‘Who’s going to be the next king!?’ You’re all pathetic!” Well, Johnny Judgmental, it sounds like the only person who has that on the mind is your dead/dying dad, so maybe lay off a little? But like Guile, I don’t actually give a shit about the Figayro royal succession. I want to know if this is the same poison Kefka used on Doma. If it is, it makes sense that King Figayro’s time of death keeps fluctuating as the story demands, since that’s exactly what happened when Kyan wanted to hear the last words of his king (who he loved) versus those of his wife and son (who, uh, were probably very nice).
To drive the knife a little deeper, Guile whines, “No one cared when Mom passed away, either…” I had to look this up, but the Queen of Figayro died squeezing these two knuckleheads out of her vagina. So how the fuck would Guile know how anyone felt about it? Their nanny tries to tell him that’s not true, but he pushes the little old lady and shouts at her, “You were as bad as any of ‘em!” Man, it is such a shame he opted not to be king. He clearly has the temperament for compassionate governance. Vowing to hold the “Empire of murderers” accountable for what they’ve done, Guile runs back into the castle, and Edgar asks the matron if they can be left alone. This is an emotionally fraught situation, so I’m going to be classy and only imply that they fuck after they talk things over.
At the top of the tower, Edgar again finds Guile, who was seemingly waiting for that shiny blond head to poke up from the stairwell so he could start angrily blustering. “I’m outta here! I’m forsaking this war-sick realm for my dignity and freedom.” Didn’t he just say he wouldn’t let the Empire get away with this? Now he’s going to bail and forsake war? And he will eventually do that by obsessively training in martial arts? Cool, man. Guile adds that Edgar has also, previously, expressed the desire to cut bait on this entire royal enterprise, and Edgar murmurs, “…freedom…” exactly like a dude who is never going to really consider freedom. He goes on, “What’ll happen to this realm if we both leave? And what would Dad say…?” Nothing, because he’s dead! Maybe. Unless he needs to tell them both something else.
But Edgar decides there’s only one way to settle this dilemma: by leaving it to a 50/50 chance. He produces a coin and offers to flip for it. “If it’s heads, you win,” he says. “We’ll choose whichever path we want, without any regrets. Okay?” It really seems like they both win if it’s heads, but again, Edgar clearly is not acting like a person who’s going to fly free on the summer breeze anytime soon. “This is for Dad!” Edgar cries as he flings the coin like 20 feet in the air. Yes, I’m sure their dead/dying father would be thrilled that his heirs are leaving the fate of his kingdom, and possibly the world, to a fucking quarter. Not that Edgar is actually leaving anything to chance, but Guile doesn’t know about that yet, so let’s play dumb with him for now.
And Edgar has the drawn butter and lemon juice on his nightstand, dig?
And we’re back to Guile in the present, still moping on “his” throne. Edgar’s voice finishes the tale, “And then, you opted for your freedom.” It’s hilarious that the coin was heads, so they could do whatever they wanted, and Edgar’s still like, “Think I’ll stay here in my rad steampunk castle with my nine butlers.” After teasing Guile about how freakishly huge he now is, though he looks exactly as he did a decade ago, Edgar sits on his own throne. “GUILE…” he says, “I often wonder if he’d be proud of me…” Guile responds that he shouldn’t doubt that for a moment. King Figayro was a big proponent of making empty passes at teenage girls, after all. Seemingly for a lack of anything to say to each other, they wonder at how quickly these 10 years have passed, and Edgar finally declares, raising his hand for no reason, “Here’s to a couple of confused grownups! Here’s to Dad…” Guile joins in the hand-up salute, adding, “…to Mom…and to [Figayro].” This scene would really make more sense if they were drinking. As opposed to every other scene, which would make more sense if I were drinking.
I have a sad feeling certain unnamed ladies are going to bring down the average.
The next morning the four of them hop out of their tiny beds at the inn–and Edgar and Guile not sleeping in their royal quarters is weirder the longer I think about it, so let’s not worry about it–and after making his royal Talk to Everyone rounds, Edgar leads the group downstairs to the castle’s engine room. The geezer manning the controls flips a switch with a manly “Urgggh!” and sends Figayro Castle churning under the sands, and then northwest under the mountain range to a smaller desert south of Kohlingen. Good thing there’s this network of desert sands connecting all these towns! In theory the castle should smash itself to bits under the mountains, but that’s no fun. Let’s assume Edgar equipped the whole shebang with drills made of unobtainium just to carefully and gently open up an accessible tunnel. Ahem.
Ew.
Kohlingen is a verdant, sleepy little burg overlooking the ocean, and arbitrarily under the jurisdiction of Figayro. Edgar crosses a babbling brook when he enters the town, and walks past a beautiful woman tending flowers and a little girl skipping down a path. My point is that this place is practically screaming “WE ARE GOING TO GET OUR SHIT RUINED BY THE COLD TRUTH OF WAR™,” but this isn’t Suikoden and nothing actually happens to this place. It feels wrong. Edgar should leave for an hour and come back to find bodies just everywhere. I may have issues.
A man outside the pub tells Edgar, “Everyone was scared when the glowing creature stopped here. It left to the south, toward Jidoor.” He says “stopped here” like Twiggy blew into the 7-11, farting glitter in a trail behind her, to pick up Red Bull and a fresh pack of Kleenex. Inside, though, Edgar finds a different temporary visitor to Kohlingen, immediately announced by his weird and ill-fitting Showdown at the OK Corral theme music: it’s Flaffy, master of the ninjitsu arts, particularly the art of vanishing from a party when it’s clear he’s going to be a third wheel to two dudes making out and ignoring him. Flaffy, recognizing Guile, I guess, says, “We meet again…” but then tells the group in the same breath to pound sand. Noted!
George, once you finish The Winds of Winter, you can pretend to be an innkeeper all you want and no one will say shit.
Naturally, Twiggy and her “gentle eyes” and “somehow human” appearance, WE GET IT, are all anyone can talk about, and just to prove me wrong about this game not getting the details of The Cold Truth of War™ right, the house to the west of the inn is a torched husk, but only because Twiggy touched down there in a bedazzled mushroom cloud. There’s also talk of an opera house nearby, from a lady who dreams of going there in a “sequined dress” with a “handsome escort.” Edgar rolls his eyes at Julia Roberts and moves on. An elderly woman outside the accessories shop asks Winona, “Have you stopped to see Rachel?” WHAT, Edgar is surely trying not to scream, IS A RACHEL.
Another granny standing near a house in the northwest corner explains that Rachel–a local girl, to Edgar’s growing consternation–used to live here, but her house is now empty. They walk in, and Winona pulls out of the other three, spritely shoulders slumped. With his back to his friends, he mutters, “…wasn’t able to…save her when she needed me…” Gonna go out on a limb and guess Winona wasn’t as “needed” by her as he thinks, seeing as he’s a white-knighting wiener who thinks women have no agency. But we’ll see, maybe I’m totally wrong! (Haha.)