Sure enough, the man blocking a stairwell on the right side of the balcony now steps aside. “The Impresario asked me to have you press the far right switch,” he says. Couldn’t this guy have pressed it and saved us all some time? Also, I am choosing to believe the employees here have magic walkie-talkies so I don’t get hung up on how the Impresario communicated this request without ever leaving his chair. With the switch firmly pressed in a way only buff Kyan could manage, the stage master tells him to now go stage left and enter the catwalks from there. It cost me 10 percent of the allotted time to get this done. If Celes’s brains get splattered all over Draco and Ralse, the Jidoor Opera House is gonna have one hell of a wrongful death suit on its hands.
Better still for Celes’s dwindling survival prospects, Goombas are crawling around the catwalk. In the battle screen they are vicious giant sewer rats that look like they’re wearing fancy turbans. WHY NOT. Either way, I am now concerned one pest belies the existence of another, and that termites have hollowed out all of these shoddy-looking walkways. The timer keeps ticking through the rat battles, leaving me even less time to navigate the maze-like catwalk and its variety of dead ends. It was nice knowing you, Celes! Good job on that opera solo on the third try!
‘Yup, that’s me. You might be wondering how I got into this situation…’
For all my hand-wringing, Kyan lurches over to Urktros and the four-ton anvil with plenty of time to spare. He’s ready and raring to pop this octopus right in the kisser, but Urktros sees his fist coming and lunges at him instead, sending them both flying, Don Knotts rictus faces affixed, off the catwalk. Winona and Gau also come flying out of Kyan’s ass as, a beat later, they and Urktros plummet to the stage with a cartoon wheeeeeeeeeeooooh drop noise and land directly on the heads of Draco and Prince Ralse. The Impresario is soon out on the stage, holding a hand to his forehead. “Disaster! If the two heroes are flattened, the opera’s over! Then who’ll win the girl!?” UGH. JUST. YOU KNOW WHAT.
*pause*
*pinches bridge of nose*
We all know what’s wrong here. Celes/Maria has been demeaned enough, so I won’t add to the insult by belaboring the chauvinistic point. And god help us all, it’s about to get EVEN WORSE. But while I’m here and mad anyway, the opera is already kind of over! Three random assholes and a purple fucking octopus just fell from the catwalk and concussed the two male leads, and the Impresario made the incredible decision to run out on the stage and announce to the entire crowd that this is not part of the show! If he wanted to somehow salvage this situation, that was maybe not the right play!
Several agonizing seconds pass where there is so little movement that more than once I wonder if I’ve accidentally paused my footage. But incredibly slowly, Winona gets to his feet. He shakes his head like a dog out of the bath and then gapes in shock at the audience of scruffy redheads no doubt raising their eyebrows at him. This leads me to believe he was unconscious and missed what the Impresario said, but apparently not. He pumps a fist at no one. “Neither Draco nor Ralse will save CELES!” he announces. Yeah! Fuck yeah! I mean, her “name” is Maria! But yeah! She don’t need no man! “I, WINONA, the world’s premier adventurer, will save her!” Yea–NO! Wait! You were doing so well!
I don’t know what I expected.
The Impresario, WHO IS STILL ON STAGE, JUST THOUGHT YOU’D LIKE TO KNOW, moans, “Oh boy… What awful acting!” He’s not acting, though! I mean, he is. HE IS. But this is as genuine as this performative idiot will ever get. Speaking of performative idiots! Urktros, too, rouses himself. “Silence!” he bellows. “You are in the presence of octopus royalty! A lowborn thug like you could never defeat me!” The Impresario decides to “make the most” of this standoff and calls for some fighting music from the pit. I am left with no rooting interest in this fight except the anvil breaking through the rotten catwalk and somehow hitting everyone on the head at once, including me. Let me dream.
Celes, her movement way too constricted thanks to her wedding day corset, doesn’t even get to participate in this battle. I mean, she needs Winona to save her!!! He’s so brave!!! “Long time no see!” Urktros bellows at them as this dude squad of three surrounds him. “You’ve changed! Did ya miss me?” I mean, they’ve changed in the sense that Urktros has never met any of them, but that’s mostly on me for leaving Edgar and Guile to make out in some Narshe foxhole. Before I even collect my thoughts enough to describe the action on stage–Urktros uses Acid Rain at one point, which I guess is a thing an octopus can do!–it’s over, as whatever Rage I selected for Gau does so much damage to him that he peaces out, stage left.
Trying not to think about where this came from.
As everyone on stage is standing around awkwardly and Winona is having a good long laugh at whatever the hell is funny about any of this, someone shouts, “Just a darn minute!” The game freeze-frames on this for almost 15 seconds, which I know because Winona’s stupid face is caught in mid-cackle. Eventually, though, the camera zeroes in on Celes, and a spotlight does the same. The Red Orchestra, maybe paid off to make this moment really pop, launches into the same theme that accompanied Debonair Hero Setzer on his airship earlier. “What a performance!!” the voice declares, and a beat later, the sprite matching the voice drops down next to Celes. Setzer moves behind Celes, spins her sprite in a circle, and suddenly she’s back in her normal clothes, like she was wearing armor, a cape, and giant shoulder pads under her virgin-white Maria ensemble, and just needed the dress spun off her like she was caught in a salad spinner. The Impresario says, “SETZER!” just in case anyone needed catching up. Setzer wags his finger toward the Impresario. “I’m a man of my word, music man!” he says, as he and Celes fly offstage. Winona doesn’t even turn around until it’s entirely too late, and also says, “That’s HIM…!?” He saved Celes, everyone! Just like he promised!!!
The Impresario chooses this moment to attempt to salvage the opera’s storyline, albeit in the worst possible way. Pacing like a madman behind Winona, he narrates breathlessly to the crowd, “What a reversal! Thinking she’s WINONA’s new queen, Maria is instead nabbed by SETZER!” He starts hopping, so great is his excitement at Celes being passed around like a Magitek bong. “What fate lies in store for her? Stay tuned for Part 2!” That’s quite all right. I’m good.
We fade from Winona looking mopey and useless to Setzer dragging Celes into a room, presumably on his zeppelin. “I’ll deal with you in a minute!” he says, trying not to sound terrified, as he chucks her inside and slams the door. A lock audibly clicks into place, but Celes decides to pound on the door a bit anyway. Then she turns around and gives me a saucy wink, because this game has no fourth wall. Urktros probably destroyed it with a four-ton anvil. Moving with purpose, Celes walks over to the convenient air shaft on the left side of the room and, judging only from the sound effect, drops a rope. Kyan, Gau, and Winona quickly make their way up. Winona decides now is the time to heap more sarcastic praise on Celes for her acting and singing abilities, and she has had it up to here with his shit, yelling “Enough already!” Shipping anybody with Winona is a hard sell for me at this point, but Celes especially. And people do it! Fandom is a rich tapestry.
Winona asks where the man of the hour is, and I wait for another argument to commence because they’ve all just gone to a lot of trouble to make their way into a locked room. But Celes just says he’s coming, and sure enough Setzer opens the door a moment later. “W…who’re YOU? You’re not Maria!” Oh my God, he actually still thought she was? After he stripped her down to her bare armor and shoulder pads, and threw her in a room like a war prisoner instead of, ONE WOULD THINK, taking the love of his life into his arms and planting one on her? It’s almost as if this was all for show and he isn’t into Maria at all!
Celes ignores Setzer being an idiot–she’s used to this behavior, let’s say–and lays out their pitch for him. “SETZER, we need your help. We have to go to Vector. We need this ship to get there.” I’m not saying I had forgotten what they were actually doing here, but I think one might be forgiven for spacing it. After all, a lot has happened in the past–Christ–half hour. But Setzer has no interest in this mission, or in this woman who is not his PERFECT SOULMATE MARIA. “Look, if you’re not Maria, I don’t want you aboard.” Is he still holding out hope that she is? Because otherwise that’s a weird thing to say.
Setzer turns to leave, but Celes shouts for him to wait. The group telepathically decides that some flattery and begging may be in order, and in turn they each say their brief piece. Celes praises his ship as “the finest vessel in the world,” and tell me she’s not loading her inflection so he understands what “vessel” she’s actually referring to. Winona “praises” Setzer himself as “the world’s most notorious gambler.” Kyan appeals to Setzer’s sympathies by declaring himself a Knight of Jonestown Doma. Gau…Gau hops in place and says nothing. Which I guess is a statement all on its own: the Empire robbed this poor boy of his voice, and his shoes, and an acceptable haircut! Not really, but Setzer doesn’t know that!
Who the hell knows which of these pitches sells Setzer–betting on Gau–but he tells Celes, “Come here.” She’s all “Yeah…” and steps forward like she’s worried he’s going to forcibly marry her before she knows what’s happening, but all Setzer says is, “Don’t misunderstand me. I’m still not sure if I’m going to help you.” And then the scene fades to black. What…just happened? What did he have her come closer for? Why is every single line of dialogue in this game so opaque?
After the fade-in I’m back in control of Kyan, standing in front of Setzer in the main gallery of his ship, or should I say, the casino floor. Setzer is standing in front of a blackjack table (could be for pai gow or poker or what have you, I guess) that’s walled off from the main area, which contains two more blackjack tables and a roulette table and wheel. First of all, no craps? Really, man? What a second-rate casino. But more importantly, it doesn’t seem like Setzer actually allows people onto this ship, so I don’t know what the point of this place is. Gambling is a social experience, and not only is it weird to sit alone in a casino in a sad-only-child-playing-Yahtzee-solo sort of way, but it is also pointless when it’s his goddamn casino and the house money is his money.
When Kyan talks to Setzer again, he says out of nowhere, “Phew… The Empire’s made me a rich man.” This clearly needed saying, since it’s hard to tell if the man with the only airship on the planet has a lot of money. Celes tells him to stop being so selfish: “Many towns and villages have been smashed by the Empire.” Specifically, by her! Never mind that. Winona also tells him and reminds us that the Empire is “using Magic to enslave the world.” At least he can say the damn word without fainting now. Kyan moans, “…I lost my friends…and my family.” And he was broken up about it for almost an hour! Gau again says nothing, letting his profound silence hang over the group like a cloud. That Gau. So deep.
It hadn’t even occurred to me that this all would be news to this world-traveling gillionaire, but IT IS. Setzer mumbles, “The Empire …evil…?” I guess he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know, and I’m not saying rich dudes exactly have any guarantees on being intelligent or informed (hi, Mr. President, don’t @ me), but goddamn. Can’t they just overpower Setzer and throw him over the side? They just need the ship, right?
I MEAN
“We all hate the Empire for the same reasons,” Celes explains to this toddler. “That’s why…” But if the group thought they were maybe getting through to Setzer, they are about to be disappointed. “You know…” he says after a moment, “you’re even more stunning than Maria.” OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Celes just goes “????” and somehow restrains herself from kicking his nuts through the top of his skull. But when she turns away from Setzer, she’s wearing Winona’s red face paint! …I mean, she’s blushing because this handsome, wealthy playboy complimented her! Plain ol’ Celes!
I hate this game sometimes.
But we still haven’t hit rock bottom! Oh my, no! Setzer finally says, “If you… If CELES becomes my wife, I’ll help. Otherwise…” Yeah, how about “otherwise” Celes superkicks you through this fucking window and out of her life forever? Winona, for reasons completely counter to my own, I’m sure, nonetheless backs me up and asks, “WHAT! Are you stupid!?” I mean, no more than any of you, but possibly more of an entitled asshole and fraudulent Lothario? Time will tell! But Celes doesn’t hear me yelling about taking Setzer’s ass to Suplex City and just says, “We haven’t any choice.” YOU HAVE A LOT OF CHOICES, AND DON’T LET THIS SAUSAGE PARTY OF A GAME TELL YOU DIFFERENT, LADY. I have seriously reached a point where the only reason I want all these dudes to stop fronting and make out with each other is so they will LEAVE CELES ALONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Celes does add, “But I have conditions…” Don’t worry, sister, if your conditions are that he never touch you, talk to you, or stay in the same room with you for longer than 10 minutes at a time–what I like to call the Melania Trump Platinum Package–you are probably good to go. Instead, she suggests a coin toss. “If it’s heads, you’ll help us. If it’s tails, I’ll go with you. Well, Mr. Gambler…?” Wait, so she’s taking a 50 percent chance that she has to marry him and he doesn’t help them, instead of a 100 percent chance of marrying him in exchange for help? Setzer, obviously, immediately accepts. Winona pleads with Celes not to do this, and by “this” I mean marry Setzer at all, not take the chance of doing so in vain. How can Winona project his guilty feelings about his comatose ex-girlfriend onto Celes if she’s shackled to some other man? WHAT ABOUT WINONA?! Kyan merely adds, “That man uses people,” about this person they’ve known for maybe five minutes, plainly awful though he may be.
Celes tunes out the bleating of the men around her–a skill she’s developed quickly, out of dire necessity–and lets loose with the coin flip. She lets it clink to the plank flooring, dimming my hope that she’s cheating, since she won’t be able to palm it. But it doesn’t matter, as it’s heads. “I win!” she says. “Now, honor your part of the bargain!” Of course, Setzer picks up and examines the coin. “How…unusual!” he says. “A coin with identical sides…!” Celes replies, no doubt smirking, “I think you’ve been hustled, Mr. Gambler.” Has he, though? Because he fucking caught her at it, since she didn’t bother hiding the cheat at all, and he could easily call off the agreement. But the plot can’t proceed without this shithead and his dumb blimp, so Setzer is actually tickled by Celes’s moxie and agrees to go along anyway. “Ha! How low can you get!? I love it!” he cries. Also, had this seasoned gambler really never encountered a two-headed coin before? It’s not even the only use of one IN THIS GAME!
Fuck you
Finally, goddamn FINALLY, our heroes have their means of taking on the Empire, but they are going to get to it next time. I know I’ve been putting that off for about three recaps, but if I have to spend 30 more seconds with these brainless, delusional men, I will be unable to open my mouth without a swarm of angry bees flying out. So! Next time in part eight, busting heads and crushing the autocracy. Celes needs to let off some steam, anyway. Until then!