Anyway. At the top of the building, a unique-looking sprite with dark skin, pale hair, and bright red pants tells them, “Good day, gentle folks. Can I be of service? I hate fighting, so I’d better let you pass!” As if it weren’t a red flag that the guy isn’t a Crono pirate, he basically, in Zozo parlance, just slapped Edgar with a glove and challenged him to a duel. Boss time!
To my utter shock, the boss, named Dadaluma, more or less resembles his civilian sprite model. Sure, this version is the size of an elephant and is rippling with muscles I never knew existed–in fact, he looks like a boss model version of Guile–but by the standards this game has set, the two models may as well be twins. But despite his rippling muscles, his propensity to drink potions and cast Safe on himself, and the presence of Winona dragging down the party’s average, Dadaluma is no match for a chain saw to the face, Celes’s magic, and Guile hitting one Aura Bolt out of four. He and the two lying treasure hunters he summons fade out in an aura of red mist after 45 seconds or so. Winona even manages to “treasure hunt” a Jewel Ring, so at least bringing him wasn’t a 100 percent waste of my time.
Once they’re past Dadaluma–though it’s not clear the party even had to fight him at all–they enter the penthouse area, which is pretty much as run-down and gross as the rest of the building. And there, they find Pink Princess Twiggy, in a bed in the middle of an otherwise empty room, splayed out exactly like Winona’s other non-girlfriend. Now I just need Celes to blame Winona for what’s happened to Twiggy, and throw him out of the building, down 10 stories. Listen, game, if you want me to draw parallels you have to go the full monty.
Everybody files out of Edgar’s asscrack to stare at Twiggy, who immediately opens her eyes and says, “Oooooh…gurururu…” Pretty much how I sound before I’ve had my coffee. Twiggy’s Sad Theme of Dying a Pink Friendless Spinster kicks in as Edgar is all, “TWIGGY? TWIGGY?” No, this is some other naked pink woman. As they surround her bed and look downcast, a voice labeled “RAMUH” tells them, “She’s scared, you know.” I think that’s a nice way of saying the dudes need to back respectfully away from her while she’s naked and basically comatose. Ramuh appears in a chair to the right of the bed, and he is an old bald man with a floor-length white beard, robes, and a staff. So he’s clearly a warrior.
Our heroes can’t read the dialogue placards like I can, so they ask who this Gandalf motherfucker is. Ramuh answers with a question, “This girl is your friend?” Friend, acquaintance, helpless maiden they press-ganged into their cause. Tomato, tomahto. Winona wants to know if Twiggy is okay, and Ramuh dodges again, musing, “You call her TWIGGY… …TWIGGY?? How odd…” Hey, pal, I challenge you to come up with a better name.
Nobody help her or anything. Just stand there. Perfect.
As they’re talking about her, Twiggy goes into a seizure of sorts on the bed, complete with odd motor-revving/tuning fork noises, and suddenly she leaps out of the bed, in between Edgar and Guile, while Winona Don Knottses like an old pro. She zooms around the carpet, looking and sounding every bit like a feral vacuum cleaner, before plotzing right on her face at the north end of the room. Winona pokes her to make sure she isn’t dead. Compassionate. Ramuh tells them, “She is undamaged. But I fear she can’t understand you. As for me, I am Ramuh. The Esper, Ramuh.” The group is surprised, but no Don Knottsing is done. Temporary lapse in spazziness, I’m sure. One of them asks, “But don’t Espers live in another world?” Everyone here saw Tritoch the MacGuffin Esper back in Narshe, right? Like, the Esper that started this whole search for Twiggy in the first place? WHAT, ESPERS ARE IN OUR WORLD?!
Ramuh basically tells them he lives wherever he fucking pleases, and he’ll look like a bald bearded human or a swan if that’s what the maidens at the bar are into that night, but that Espers are largely friendly and harmless. As for why they would hide their nature as Espers–like “sometimes we just like looking like humans, dude” wasn’t a good enough answer–he says, “Humans and Espers can’t survive together.” I was expecting a little more explanation than that, but I’m sure it would have been stupid anyway. Winona derps, “But my grandma told me that Espers and people once lived side by side! Was that just a fairy tale?” Oh! Well, if Winona’s fucking grandma said so, it has to be true. But, of course, it was, since grandmas in fantasy universes are never ever making shit up. Ramuh says humans and Espers used to get along. “Then along came the War of the Magi…” Everybody Shions about this, until Ramuh is allowed to go on, “It took place…long ago. Espers fought humans who were infused with magical power extracted from Espers…” Well, that doesn’t sound familiar at all, CELES.
This is the segue into Ramuh taking us to Flashback Land. He explains, over a sepia-toned view of an otherwise normal-looking idyllic coastal vista with normal-looking houses and bridges, “Fearing our magical powers would once again become a target, we fashioned a new realm, and moved there. About 20 years ago, humans stumbled upon it…humans who knew about Espers, and the secret to Magitek power.” They must have heard about it from their grandmas. “Thus began a hunt for Espers. Only in this way could Emperor Gestahl create his invincible army.” Again, COUGH COUGH, Celes. But she thinks magic is a “lovely gift.” She sure sounds like an asshole now. Wait, she did before. Whatever.
So the Espers had had e-fucking-nough of dickhead humans poaching their magic powers like ivory elephant tusks, and so, “In response to this, we erected a doorway, and threw the humans out.” A big, beautiful door! Owzer would approve. The big, beautiful magical portal flashes ominously a bit, like it’s struggling to keep out all those job magic-stealing immigrants, and then we’re back to the present. “Even as we speak,” Ramuh tells them, “many of my kind are trapped in the Empire’s Magitek Research Facility, being…drained of their powers… I fled here to avoid a similar fate.” The party listens to this entire story, everyone stares awkwardly at each other, and only then does Winona slowly help Twiggy back into bed. Nobody else helps him with this, so he’s basically dragging her limp form across the carpet. Once Ramuh is satisfied that she’s resting again, he tells them that he sensed she was in distress, due to Esper-to-Esper telepathy or some fucking thing, and he summoned her here to his Zozo slum penthouse. He confirms that Twiggy isn’t an Esper herself, just something “quite different” than a human or an Esper (or a little of both, spoiler!) and that she is in pain because, “Her very existence strikes fear into her own heart.” That is the most eye-rollingly goofy thing to say, and also it’s Twiggy all over. She’s terrified of everything, and at her core that means she’s terrified of herself. Her “friends” want to know how they can help her, and Ramuh thinks she’ll be fine once she “accepts this aspect of herself.” Well, I’m sure that’ll be easy. She’s shown so much emotional growth and resilience already! But Ramuh has a specific suggestion: “Then free those of my kind imprisoned in Gestahl’s Magitek Research Facility. One of them can surely help her.” Well, it beats sitting around waiting for The Sunflowardly Lion to come up with a plan. He keeps saying he’ll do it after Matlock, but then he just falls asleep in his recliner.
Our heroes seem slightly puzzled as to what exactly is happening to the Espers imprisoned in Gestahl’s Magic-Sucking Factory, like it can be anything good. Like, if they find out the Espers are free range and ethically sourced, they’re fine leaving them there. “Gestahl’s methods are incorrect,” Ramuh explains. “You can’t drain a live Esper of all its power. It is only when we are reduced to Magicite that our abilities can be transferred in total…” The gang Shions about “Magicite?!” seemingly a dozen different times, until Ramuh finally explains that Magicite is the material left behind when an Esper dies. Except they don’t really die? They just retreat into their crystal gem, to be summoned by magic users? I don’t fucking know. And is Ramuh suggesting that instead of torturing Espers by siphoning their powers, Gestahl should just be killing them because that’s how you get the good shit? Really?
This is all to say that I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about the use of Magicite and Esper-summoning magic. Clouding the issue beyond hope, a flash of white light and a TING! sound fill the room, and three Magicite gems hover into view. They look like green rupees with delicious red centers. Ramuh explains, “These are my comrades who fell while escaping the Empire. And I will give you my power, as well…” No one says word fucking one about Ramuh offering to kill himself, so a beat later he blasts them all back with another flash of light and a TING!, and the old man sprite is replaced by another magic Jolly Rancher. Winona shakes his head, blinks for a while, and then addresses Ramuh’s Magicite. “’Old man…’ Are you really gone…?” I don’t know what the fuck is going on with the scare quotes in this scene. It’s been like that the whole time.
Again, Ramuh doesn’t seem, like, dead dead, as he is able to talk to them from his Magicite. “We few can help save many,” he says by way of explaining his not-really-suicide. “The War of the Magi must not be repeated.” With that, the Magicite floats into Edgar’s body as the group receives the ability to summon Ramuh. Edgar flourishes his cape as he accepts it, and even gives a little thumbs-up, because he’s such a cool guy and not a breathtaking fucking dork. He walks to the back of the room and gathers up the other three Espers, named Stray, Kirin, and Siren. Man, these are the replacement-level Espers. No wonder they didn’t escape.
Twiggy is unimpressed with your sashay game, Edgar.
The party promises comatose Twiggy that they’ll be back for her once they’ve completed their mission, and a bunch of other silly bullshit along the way, because again, short attention spans on these people. On the way out, Edgar slams right into Gau, who is standing in the doorway with Kyan. Hey, does that mean I don’t have to schlep it all the way back to Narshe if I want to change parties? Are we headquartering here now so TSL can babysit Twiggy? Nice. I appreciate everyone’s hustle here.
A little cutscene shows our heroes individually descending the stairs of the tenement building, as Edgar catches up the absentees on the story so far. Not that Kyan cares, since he’ll just follow Guile anywhere, and I’m sure Gau has no idea what he’s even doing. Meanwhile, Guile is in a bit of denial about this whole Esper rigamarole, and asks Celes about it. “I don’t remember because I was asleep when they…augmented me,” she replies. Well, that sounds violating. “But I’ve heard rumors to that effect.” I mean…where else was their power coming from? Magic is treated by all the regular plebe humans like it’s terrible and unnatural, so it’s not like it just fell out of the fucking sky.
Edgar and Kyan determine that they need to split into two groups again, one to defend Narshe (ugh, why) and one to infiltrate Gestahl’s Magic-Sucking Factory. Celes volunteers for the latter job, like there’s any fucking way I was leaving her behind to keep TSL company. And Winona (UGH, WHY) volunteers to accompany her so she doesn’t have to go it alone, like there’s any fucking way I would just send her on a solo suicide mission. But Winona’s thinking is clear: what if her lady troubles suddenly appear, and her blood hormones make her crazy enough to rejoin the Empire?!
With those two slots filled, and not to my liking, I drag Kyan and Gau along too. May as well give the brothers some alone time, wink. The twins say they’ll be back in Narshe and to return there to change parties. Or…just stay here with Twiggy! It’s really fucking weird that everyone was in such a lather to find her and help her, but now that they know she’s alone, naked, comatose, and surrounded by the CRIMINAL ELEMENT, they’re just abandoning her to fate. I mean, go back to Narshe if that hellhole is so goddamn important, but why can’t they strap her to a gurney and bring her along? The only reason she was in Zozo was that Ramuh was with her, and now he’s a Mike and Ike in Edgar’s pocket. Everything about this is stupid and if Twiggy were awake to see how her “friends” are treating her, I’m sure she’d cry even more than usual.
Also, I am just shocked all these dudes who are constantly preoccupied with chivalrous treatment of lovely, fragile ladies would leave a defenseless woman completely in the lurch. I mean, don’t they all love CHICKS? CHICKS.
After Guile and Edgar leave–Guile probably fucking giddy about his good fortune–my remaining party members figure they should head to Jidoor to figure out transportation. But Celes has something else on her mind. “WINONA. Why are you coming with me?” she asks. Because the game designers somehow knew how unhappy I’d be about it, and got their jollies by annoying me decades in the future? “Well…” Winona says, “There’re bound to be treasures there. And besides, I’ve always wanted an inside look at the Empire!” Celes clearly thinks he’s a fucking liar, but says nothing. Good, I could do without this trip turning into Celes psychoanalyzing Winona’s chauvinist hero complex. I am trying to ignore, for now, that it will end up being so much worse than that.
A ghost floating around near the town entrance gives Celes a brief tutorial on Espers–don’t look at me–and with that the kids are off to Jidoor. And somehow they got out of Zozo without having anything stolen from them, and in fact stole a bunch of shit from the locals! Imagine that. And since I do not have the energy at the moment to deal with the stupidity to come, this is where we’ll leave them. Next time: an unforgettable Mary Sue moment, YET ANOTHER chivalrous heterosexual man who could not possibly be gay, and a hastily thrown-together invasion of the Empire. Sounds horrible, see you then!