Another shift, this time to the Death Star, where an old man named Palpatine Gestahl tells his assembled men how they’re going to revive Magic and Espers and shit. Kefka, some other guy, and someone who appears to be Blonde Girl #1 from the opening movie (unless there’s another blonde girl, in which case I should probably cut my losses and give up on this game right now) are standing at attention behind the Emperor. As Emperor Gestahl, the three generals behind him, and the generic military masses rally, Twiggy stands alone behind them, like the lone sad person in a porno who has to jack it in the corner while everyone else gets in on the orgy.
Sig heil! Sig heil!
Back to the Twiggy of the present. We see her just long enough to note that she’s still face-down in the dirt, before the scene fades out and we move on. It’s like the game designers wanted us to check in on her, just in case Twiggy was kidnapped while she was unconscious. This is turning into a TurtleNinja story a little too quickly for my tastes.
At the domicile of Baron Liverspots von Oldentimer III, the geriatric pervert greets a blue-clad sprite–our friend Not!Flik from the FMV–that enters through his back door. Again, not like that. I’m going to have to come up with a new term for that entrance. “Took you long enough!” Baron Liverspots says by way of greeting. “How goes the robbing and plundering trade?” Not!Flik totally fucking freaks out, complete with eye-bugging and jump-a-foot-in-the-air-spread-eagled stance. Wow, okay. While Not!Flik is still in this position, the screen blacks out and we’re rejoined by the Text God. “Treasure Hunter and trail-worn traveler, searching the world over for relics of the past…” Yeah, he’s a treasure hunter in the way Winona Ryder is a treasure hunter, looking for precious relics hidden from the security cameras in the Shop ‘n’ Go. Since he’s obviously only getting five-finger discount “treasures,” I go ahead and change his real name, LOCKE, to WINONA.
Winona shrieks indignantly at the Baron, “I PREFER the term ‘Treasure Hunter!'” Yeah, well, I prefer the term “recapper” to “12-year-old boy with a small penis,” but you don’t see me popping my eyes out of my sockets at the latter. Baron Liverspots laughs at him for being obsessed with semantics, but Winona won’t let the goddamn issue drop. He even turns toward the screen and wags his finger scoldingly, as if to take me to task for also thinking he’s nothing but a petty thief.
“Anyway,” Winona says, “were you the one who sent for me?” The Baron affirms that he was, and that he’d like for Winona to meet a very special lady. I’d like to know when our illustrious Baron von Oldentimer had the means or the opportunity to call for this guy, but I’m sure he had a Contrivance Wizard at the ready for this very occasion. Anyway, Winona is, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about this blind date. “… …!? This better not have anything to do with that Magitek-riding, Imperial witch!!!” Heh. Awesome.
The Baron, at this critical juncture, when Twiggy’s life could very well be in the balance, decides the best way to convince Winona is to bury him in exposition. “This town is no match for the Empire,” he admits. “Our independence can only be assured if we join forces with the Returners, an underground resistance movement.” As for what the fuck this has to do with Twiggy: “That girl wasn’t responsible for her actions. We must get her to understand our dilemma!” Wow, that wasn’t an explanation at all. So Winona has to save Twiggy so they can explain to Twiggy how bad the Empire is? Yeah, thing is, she’s been working for the Empire against her will and has been under complete mind enslavement for so long that she doesn’t even know who she is. She would officially be the dumbest character in RPG history if she couldn’t deduce on her own that the Empire is fucking evil. Jesus.
But Winona is nonetheless swayed by the Baron’s argument. Once he agrees to help Twiggy, the Baron tells him, “Make your way first to Figaro, and talk to the king.” And now we’re back to Twiggy. Guess what. She is still unconscious. Yaaaaaaawn Riveting! Presumably from the place where Twiggy fell, Winona drops down next to her and gives her a once-over. Yes, she is still not moving. Check. Winona glances at the other end of the cave, where a guard has just spotted them. A bunch of dog-men guards file in behind him to apprehend Twiggy. Now we’ve progressed to dog-men? Okay, whatever. Winona is just wondering how he’s going to take on all these guys with nothing but an unconscious waif to help him when he hears a “Kupo…” from somewhere in the cave. Behind him, two moogles come in and check on Twiggy. STILL UNCONSCIOUS. Winona asks if they’re there to help him, and they nod their cute little heads, adding “Kupo!!!” I guess that means “yes.” God, they’re like Smurfs.
‘And then I kupoed her right in her kupo! It felt so kupoing kupo!’
A moogle enters stage right onto the Black Screen of Meta-Game Commentary to tell me, “Use us to save TWIGGY from the guards!” This is the game designers’ way of introducing me to what will become my principal pet peeve in this game: the Split-Party Rough ‘Em Up. For those not in the know, this is when the game forces you to split your cannon fodder up into two or three groups, in order to a) fight an enemy on multiple fronts or b) explore a dungeon with all sorts of contrived switches for each party to turn on so the next can move onward. This instance is of the first variety, meaning I must use Winona and the eleven eager moogles at my disposal to keep Twiggy safe. Since she can’t protect herself, as she’s–wait for it–unconscious.
Surprisingly, the weenie moogles–and Winona, the useless crappy no-stealing schlub–manage to hold the fort, mostly because their opposition is ass on a popsicle stick. Once the original guard has been downed by one of the all-moogle gangs (Winona really does blow), Winona thanks them for saving his ass and then hauls Twiggy out the back of the cave. In the next room, he sets her down and pulls a handy switch on the wall, opening up a secret door in the outer cave wall. At this point, Twiggy finally comes to. I have to say, I am really impressed by her moxie. I mean, she woke up all on her own, and just in time to miss having to fight or aid in their escape. She is truly the most amazing woman ever.
Twiggy goes to thank her heeeeeero, but he tells her to save it for the people, er, animals, who actually did the saving. Twiggy is still in the angsty throes of her amnesia, leading Winona to wig out and bug his eyes out, again. I think he might have ADD. “You have amnesia!?” he shrills, as if saying “I can’t remember anything…past or present…” leaves some kind of fucking ambiguity in the matter. At any rate, Winona suddenly slips into Alpha Male Protector Mode and promises Twiggy she’ll be safe with him, so not to worry her pretty green little head. Oh, thank the stars! WINONA will protect her! I am so relieved.
Winona and Twiggy head through the secret door Winona opened up and out into the streets of Narshe. But instead of bailing town, which would be the smart plan, Winona runs into the nearest house, which is a large building full of people dying to give our heroes battle pointers. They make use of the free HP/MP replenishment and then leave Tutorial Manor without buying anything, the dicks.
I decide not to press their luck, so they leave town for the overworld map. Jesus, I am so lost, where the fuck is Figaro Castle I’m so glad there’s an overworld map and not just a simple list of destinations! Go old school!
Stupid shitty Mapquest!
Eventually, after way too goddamn many random battles and me generally being unable to get from point A to point B because I’m inept, Winona and Twiggy find Figaro Castle, in the middle of the desert. God, it was right there. Give me a second to sulk about how much I suck.
Okay, done. At the front doors of Figaro Castle, Winona is immediately halted by the guard. “Hey!” the guard says, but then is all, “Oh, it’s you. Proceed.” Gee, that was hard. Onward, then. Winona proceeds directly to the back of the castle…yeah, I’m totally lying. He talks to every NPC in the joint. It’s just that none of them are particularly interesting. The 16-bit era, guys. They can’t all be Shelindas and Pig Molesters, you know.
In the throne room, Winona approaches a young man with–GASP–blond hair sitting on a throne. This would be the guy with the scary dead eyes from the FMV. I’m glad that didn’t carry over to the sprite graphics. The king gets up from his throne to take in Twiggy, gaping, “You mean, THIS young woman…!?” He gives her a very thorough once-over, if you have the right eye for sprite body language. Twiggy’s all, “WTF, perv, who the hell are you?!” The king turns around and gives what I’m sure is a roguish wink to Twiggy. “How rude of me to turn my back on a lady!” he quips. Also, he’s doing the same finger-wag thing that Winona did earlier, but this particular sprite appears to be flipping our heroine the bird. Hee.
With that, the king too is sucked into the Black Screen of Meta-Game Commentary, still flipping off God and the world. “The young king of Figaro Castle,” the Text God intones, “ally to the Empire, and a master designer of machinery…” I stick with the default name, EDGAR, as I find it suitable and I’m fresh out of funny nicknames. King Edgar introduces himself to Twiggy. Winona’s all, “Look at my connections, I’m so KEWL!” For some reason, Winona and Edgar look at each other and nod spastically for about five seconds. Looks like we have a second Ritalin candidate here.
Tsk. I thought royals had manners.
Suddenly, Winona decides to take off, probably to “explore” the castle. With his stealin’ sack. Edgar walks down his royal red carpet, and with his back turned to Twiggy (despite what he just said to her), he says, “So…you’re an Imperial soldier! No problem. Figaro and the Empire are allies!” Yes, I’m sure that’s totally comforting. He then adds creepily: “Please, relax while you’re here. It’s not in my blood to harm a lady.” Man, Edgar is confusing. But one thing is clear: he loves women. Women women women. CHICKS.
Twiggy asks Edgar why he’s being so goshdarn nice to her. “Is it because of my…abilities?” Ho ho, the tasteless jokes I could make here. Edgar gives his answer: “I’ll give you three reasons: First of all, your beauty has captivated me! Second…I’m dying to know if I’m your type… I guess your…abilities…would be a distant 3rd.” I guess her abilities just aren’t all that great, nudge nudge.
CHICKS!!!
It would help if you actually liked women.
Edgar also leaves the room, undoubtedly to have sex with Winona to attend to important king stuff. Twiggy sighs, alone in the throne room. “Hmm…I suppose a normal girl would have found him dashing. But I’m hardly…normal…” And a smart girl would have found him gay. Gay gay gay gay gay. Gay. GAY.
Now it’s Twiggy’s turn to explore Figayro Castle, while the boys are “occupied.” After buying some “tools” from one of the merchants, Twiggy checks out the outer parts of the castle, only accessible by going back outside. On the west end of the castle, she meets an old nanny who tells her all about Edgar’s twin brother. “He was such a nice boy…” the old lady opines, sending us into Flashback Land.