KaMan wants to know where Ed learned how to play so badly. “When I was wandering about as a Bard, I heard the tune to bind evil fairies…” he replies. Seriously, that’s the explanation. This half-hearted account is apparently so impressive to the others that they start giving Edward simultaneous tongue-baths. As much as he loves to play the unassuming and diffident minstrel, the guy’s probably lapping up all this undeserved attention. But it seems all the preening he’s privately been doing has had an adverse affect on his recovery–he suddenly cries out in pain before he, and the cheerful background music, go silent. “Edward!” Cecilia screams melodramatically. If I weren’t wise to all the game designers’ cruel, dirty tricks by now, I’d probably assume they were killing Edward off for a second time, but I’m not so easily fooled anymore. Indeed, I’m now conditioned to expect the worst from them, which is probably why I’m not all that affected when this scene spirals even further down the shitter.
“Anna was happy to be loved by a brave man like you,” Tellah mindbogglingly declares. Because it’s so brave to play your fucking harp from the safety of a fortified castle’s infirmary. Give that man the Purple Heart! Seriously, Tellah’s spent the entire game hating Edward for being too much of a coward to protect Anna, and THIS is the catalyst for his change of opinion? I can only assume the poor guy’s going senile in his old age, even though he’s still lucid enough to promise Edward he’ll avenge Anna using Meteor. Hey, I think I just saw the Foreshadowing Wizard fly past the window!
“You really are brave, Edward!” Cecilia gushes. Ugh, not him too. All this talk of his supposed bravery has apparently given Ed food for thought, as he moans, “Oh, Anna…I think I have come to understand what you were really trying to tell me, Anna…” We never find out exactly what she was trying to tell him, however. Personally, I don’t care whether it was some guff about his pure and courageous heart, or “Go fuck yourself, you worthless sack of shit”, as the scene’s mercifully over.
Having escaped to the world map, Cecilia hops back onboard the Airship Enterprise before he can be dragged into any more tedious conversations. Once again, Kain’s vessel comes up from behind, leading to another confrontation on the deck. “Where’s the Crystal of Earth?” Kain snaps, not even bothering with the small talk. Well, that suits Cecilia just fine–there’s been far too much talking for his liking today. Noticing the crystal in Cecilia’s pocket (at least, he thinks its the crystal), Kain commands the group to follow his ship to Golbez’s unidentified base. Back on the world map, Kain’s ship and the Airship Enterprise, still connected, rise up into the heavens. I’m not entirely sure if it’s possible to ship a pair of vehicles, but I’m getting close.
We abruptly cut to a section of the Tower of Zot, Golbez’s high-tech lair. No, really–Cecilia just appears in the middle of a room, and we don’t see how he got there. He cries out for Kain, likely wanting to know where the fuck his airship disappeared to, then Kain and his new squeeze Golbez take turns to gloat at him over the intercom. Apparently Rinosa’s being held at the very top of the tower, and Golby wants to test Cecilia and the others by making them fight their way through. And of course, we’re roughly at the bottom–otherwise, I might start to get the impression that the game designers aren’t total dickweeds.
So…do you all have different dads?
I don’t want to give you the impression that I’m a total dickweed, so I’m not going to force you to read a detailed, painstaking account of Cecilia’s ascent. So…just imagine that the thrilling climb between Floors 1 and 5 was a nonstop rollercoaster ride. On the 5th floor, Cecilia’s innocently about to enter a door when three girls suddenly appear before him. Golbez is really laying it on thick with the cruelty lately. “We are the minions of Valvalis of the Air!” they crow, expecting Cecilia to know who the fuck that is. Well, this Valvalis Vulvalis can’t be all that if she’s sitting on her ass and sending her minions to do her dirty work. At least Milon and Kainazzo (RIP) tried to get the job done themselves, woefully inadequate as they were. But Cindy, Sandy and Mindy here are itching to try out their Delta Attack, so we’ve got ourselves a boss fight.
I’m sure you’ve all been waiting a decade to find out the answer to Jeanne’s question, so here it is: no, the Magus Sisters didn’t decide they liked dressing up as insects until FFX (though their fashion choice was retconned in this game’s DS remake). In fact, this is a disappointing first appearance for them in general–not only are their fun costumes absent, they’re noticeably less kickass than when Yuna used to summon them to dish out 17-hit attacks. I’m sure this statement will earn me a few ranting emails from the people who think everything prior to FFVII was infinitely superior to everything that came after it, but I’m sticking to my guns–the Magus Sisters are fucking lame this time around.
Anyone for a game of Where’s Golbez?
Once he’s crushed them like bugs, Cecilia finally reaches the upper floors of the tower to find Kain waiting patiently for him. Actually, Golbez is there as well, but I didn’t notice him at first because his sprite blends in with the weird decorative blobs either side of him. There’s a tense stand-off as he and Cecilia argue over which of them’s going to hand over his bargaining chip first, before Cecilia reluctantly offers up the crystal. You might want to make sure you’re sitting down before reading on, because what happens next is a real game changer–in a shocking and unexpected twist, Golbez reneges on his end of the deal! The swine!
Cecilia, Cid and Tellah start squawking indignantly, horrified that the villain just carried out a villainous act. “Foul traitor!” Tellah screams, even though he should be the least shocked out of everyone, and then he rushes at Golbez, pushing Cecilia aside in the process. Golbez laughs in his challenger’s face, claiming he has no business with the “old man”. “But I do!” Tellah replies. Wait, he has business with himself? I don’t need to see that shit.
His dentures rattling with righteous anger, Tellah grabs Golby by his blue-caped neck and pulls him onto the battle screen. But this isn’t a boss fight per se–much like Tellah’s earlier clash with Edward, it’s simply a backdrop to an automated confrontation that would undoubtedly be portrayed in a melodramatic CG cutscene if it were released today. Tellah throws practically his entire spellbook at Golbez, who’s magically grown by 50 feet in the space of a second, but it seems to have little effect. “No one can ever defeat me… … …” Golbez reads from the Big Book of RPG Villain Cliches. I like to imagine that each period represents a page flip as he frantically tries to find a more impressive quote.
Between that height difference and Tellah’s advanced age, this really isn’t a fair fight.
Reaching the end of his List O’ Spells, Tellah realizes he has a trump card–the forbidden magic, Meteor. In case we’d forgotten all the heavy-handed foreshadowing the game designers previously subjected us to, Cecilia reminds us how much of a Bad Idea this is by yelling “No! Don’t!” from offscreen. But Tellah’s already made his decision. “I’m spending my life to defeat…YOU!” he cries, summoning a rain of fireballs that deals an admittedly impressive 9,999 damage. Indeed, the attack’s so effective that Golbez promptly disintegrates. Wow, I never thought the main villain would get iced so easily! More to the point, after that impressive display of magic, Tellah doesn’t even get any EXP…not that he needs it where he’s going. Whoops, spoiler!
I’m assuming Golbez’s dark powers enabled him to pull his shattered body back together, because he’s right as rain when we return to regular gameplay mode. As Golby reels from the shock of being beaten by an old codger, Kain kind of ambles over to the wall and assumes the “lying down” sprite pose. I think this is supposed to indicate the precise moment Golbez’s mind control is broken, but instead it just looks like he’s suddenly decided to take a nap. I can’t say I blame him. Tellah swiftly follows suit, but in his case, Golbez growling “You used…the…Meteo…GRRRR…” right in his face was probably a contributing factor.
Of course, the rest of the party realizes Tellah’s about to buy the farm. Golbez is all “Well, this is convenient. See you!”, but Cecilia, not about to let him just stroll on out of here, tries to block him. His reward is a blast of lightning to the chest, which propels him backwards into the wall. But as Golbez makes to finish him off, something stops him from striking the killing blow. I wonder what that could be about.
Actually, I need to transcribe the following verbal exchange in full, so as to give you the full effect:
Golbez: “…!?”
Cecilia: “Ugh… Why not… Finish me off…”
Ben: (I think that line has probably inspired at least one disturbing fanfic.)
Golbez: “You…”
Cecilia: “?”
Golbez: “Who are you…”
Cecilia: “…?”
Golbez: “I shall see you again!”
Not only has my period key just exploded in protest, I have no clue what the fuck is going on here. Well, I do, but since we’re not yet supposed to know just how closely connected Cecilia and Golbez are, I’m going to have to feign ignorance. Not that it’s much of a stretch, given the script I have to contend with.
Thrown for a loop by the as-yet-unrevealed plot twist, Golbez turns and leaves the room through the upper door (remember that). As soon as he’s gone, KaMan and Cid anxiously check Cecilia for any broken ribs or disfiguring bruises, forgetting all about the poor pensioner who’s quietly dying in the background. Cecilia bashes their heads together and reminds them they’re all supposed to be gathered around Tellah for his long, drawn-out death scene. But…there isn’t one. He just laments the fact that he lost himself in a desire for vengeance, makes Cecilia promise to avenge Anna for him, and then blinks out of existence–quite literally, as his sprite does that weird flicker ‘n’ disappear thing that was all the rage in the 90s as a way for game designers to kill a character without having to tackle the awkward issue of what to do with the body.
You never would’ve clucked like a chicken and pretended to fellate a banana otherwise!
The echo from Tellah’s death rattle has barely faded before Cecilia forgets all about him and turns his attentions to his currently unconscious ex-boyfriend. Wait, that sounds terribly wrong. He wakes Kain with a few slaps to the face–“That’s for saying my paladin costume makes me look fat!”–only for Kain to launch straight into a teary “What have I done!?” speech. Cutting him short, Cecilia blames Golbez for all of Kain’s crimes, because hypnosis, and asks him where Rinosa is. Kain’s all “Shit, she’s about to be crushed by an enormous iron ball!” and grabs Cecilia by the hand as some “Shit, Rinosa’s about to be crushed by an enormous iron ball!” music starts up.
Remember how Golbez left the room through the upper door? Well, when Kain and the party head through that very same door, Golbez is nowhere to be found, even though there are no other doors in the room beyond. Whatever. Instead, they find Rinosa, who lets out an ear-splitting scream of “Cecilia!” when she catches sight of her would-be boyfriend. Tripping on a loose floor tile, Cecilia stumbles towards her and manages to accidentally release her restaints, freeing her from the chair a split-second before the iron ball finally falls on top of it. GOD DAMN IT.
Another day, another lame character escaping certain death. I really should be less annoyed by this carrot-on-a-stick trolling with each successive attempt. Now it’s time for a masterclass in acting, as Cecilia throws himself into an emotional reunion with Rinosa. To hammer home the point, the soundtrack strikes up the Theme of Love, a piece of music I actually really like as long as I don’t associate it with these two. As Cecilia and Rinosa’s sprites merge into what I assume to be a (one-sided) passionate embrace, Kain and the others just stand around awkwardly, not quite sure where to look. If there were ever a cue for me to wrap things up, this would be it.
How will the dynamic of the party be affected, now that Rinosa and Kain are back in the picture? How will they escape from the tower? And where the hell did Golbez go? Find out next time, when we’ll also encounter some dwarves people of restricted growth, meet yet another survivor of that fucking shipwreck, and bear witness to more heroic sacrifices! Try to contain your excitement ’til then!