Time to finally meet the Clerics. So, um…just pretend nobody mentioned the Dark Elf already. “Which Dark Elf?” you may be asking, in which case, have a cookie on me. On his way to Troia’s throne room equivalent, Cecilia somehow manages to offend one of the guards by innocently complimenting her on her choice of leotard. “This is not a leotard! It’s our combat uniform!” she shrieks in response. Jeez, maybe if you looked like you were dressed for combat instead of a yoga class, people wouldn’t make the incorrect assumption. It’s not Cecilia’s fault the game designers decided to objectify Troia’s guards by giving them the same sprites as the exotic dancers found throughout the game. Honestly, it’s almost like they’re trying to hold back women’s lib.
Hair flowers are the new helmets. No self-respecting soldier should be seen without one!
After that encounter, Cecilia’s a little concerned by the kind of reception his all-male party’s going to get from the Clerics. He needn’t have worried, since none of them start ranting about the Patriarchy or telling him to check his privilege at the door. In fact, they extend quite a warm welcome to the group. It’s not long before they’re griping about the Crystal of Earth being stolen by the Dark Elf, however, and poor Cec soon finds himself agreeing to help them out. What’s great about this scene is that several of the Clerics essentially say “We’ll let you use the crystal if you promise to give it back to us afterwards!” I’m starting to get a better understanding of just how the Dark Elf managed to pilfer the crystal from right under their noses. Let’s just say I don’t think it was the most challenging heist he’s ever had to pull off.
Another Cleric exposits that the clearly lazy Dark Elf has made his lair in a cave a short distance to the northeast, which raises the question of why the hell the Clerics haven’t tried to do anything to get the crystal back themselves. I mean, they outnumber him 8 to 1, have their own troops, and even if you buy into the “men are inherently stronger than women” thing, the dude’s a freaking elf. Then again, given what’s been shown of their gullibility just now, it’s probably a good thing they never pursued him themselves. I can just imagine him being all “Okay, you got me. Crystal’s in that room over there!”, and then all the Clerics walking blindly into a bottomless pit or something.
The last of the Clerics warns Cecilia that the Dark Elf didn’t share my overly skeptical view, and was so paranoid about Troian soldiers coming after him with nasty pointy weapons that he somehow created a magnetic field around his cave. What this means, of course, is that any metallic equipment is going to hinder the group even more than if they took Edward along. So it’s a good job I consulted the ancient scroll of strategy planned ahead and bought all those non-metal weapons!
I’m going to spoil things right now–we never find out anything else about the Dark Elf or his motivations. I know, it’s almost like he’s simply a plot device pulled out of a game designer’s arse in order to facilitate a gimmick dungeon. So, in time-honoured VGR tradition, I’ve attempted to come up with an interesting backstory for this cardboard villain. In my opinion, the Dark Elf is actually an insane Men’s Rights Activist who, infuriated at being rejected by one of Troia’s Clerics for being a “nice guy”, decided to steal the crystal, hoping to use its powers to put those dirty man-haters back in their place. It’s probably hidden under a fedora somewhere in the heart of his lair, next to a pile of discarded Mountain Dew cans and My Little Pony DVDs.
Does this include all the anvils the game designers keep dropping on my head?
As the Dark MRA’s cave lies in a small wood on the other side of a river, Cecilia and the gang have to catch a Black Chocobo in a nearby forest in order to fly across. Instead of, I don’t know, walking downriver until they found a ford. Before long, they’re crossing the dark threshold of “Cave Magnes”, somehow mistranslated from “Magnetic Cave Mom’s Basement”. Inside, the stench of body odour and sexual frustration assails their nostrils, but they vow to press on. They have to get that crystal, even if it means prying it from the Dark MRA’s dead, Cheetos-stained fingers. They must!
The party’s barely taken two steps inside the cave before a sickly green tint covers the screen and Cid starts yelling about the magnetic field, just in case we’d zoned out when the Clerics mentioned it. And when Cecilia spoke to that random NPC beforehand. And when the name of this dungeon popped up (OK, that particular warning was a little less clear). In short: we fucking get it. “My claws seem okay,” KaMan offers, and then Tellah tells everyone to calm down, since he can handle things with his magic. Yes, I’m sure that 90MP will go a long way. Why even bother bringing anyone else at all?
One of the random battle monsters of the cave is a palette-swap of the dreaded Mad Ogres, called…Ogre. Clearly, this poor dude is the black sheep of the Ogre family; while his brethren are living it up in a castle and slaying any unfortunate adventurers who happen to pass by, he’s stuck down here in a dank, smelly cave, and to make matters worse, he’s an absolute pushover. His older, more ripped brothers evidently ostracized him and ridiculed him daily, shattering his confidence to the point where he took himself down here to get away from them and the rest of his cruel, elitist society. “Do you even lift, brah?” they probably asked him, admiring their roided-up shoulders as he slunk away, filled with shame and self-loathing. The Dark MRA’s probably the only friend he’s ever had, not that it stops the group from vanquishing him with extreme prejudice.
Penises!
As for the rest of the monster set? Well, there are the inevitable bats (I seriously want to slap a game designer every time I venture into a cave and encounter fucking bats with sky-high evasion rates), vicious panthers, and several different varieties of phallic snake monster. Let’s be honest–taking into account whose cave this is, we were never going to see any vaginas down here. Those vagina monsters only go for douchebags, and poor Dark MRA always ends up friendzoned!
After roughly 500 random battles (I didn’t count them, but it feels like a fair approximation), the party finds a door hidden behind a poster reading The vast matriarchial conspiracy – what the feminazis don’t want you to know, and ends up in an exact replica of the Crystal Rooms that once housed the other crystals. I have no idea why this is here–did the Dark MRA create it himself, using the power of the crystal, or is this cave where the crystal was originally kept? And if that’s the case, why is there another Crystal Room in Troia Castle? IDGAF either way, but it’s still puzzling.
For a split-second, the Dark MRA thinks he’s about to welcome some new recruits to his crusade against Troia’s feminists and their subjugation of men. But he soon notices the drawn weapons and hysterically rants, “YOU CANNOT GO ANY FURTHER. YOU CANNOT TAKE MY CRYSTAL!” Jesus Christ, someone never learned how to use their indoor voice. “YOU CANNOT USE METALLIC WEAPONS. YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME. YOU CANNOT FORCE ME TO SHAVE MY NECKBEARD!” he continues, practically foaming at the mouth. I may have made one of those up.
YOU CANNOT DENY THAT FAMILY COURT FAVOURS WOMEN! MALE OPPRESSION!!!111
As bosses go, the Dark MRA can actually put the hurt on Cecilia and the others–I figure he channels all that unwarranted anger into strength. “ME ATTACK YOU!” he screams, before casting a tripple-whammy of Fire2, Lit2 and Ice2. Hey, Dark MRA, that’s not fair! When he’s finished cremating, electrocuting and freezing the group, half its members are dead, and the other half has HP in single digits. “We can’t…” Cecilia gasps with the last of his energy. Oh no, they’re all going to die! And yet Edward still lives! There is truly no justice in the world.
Back on the field screen, KaMan, Cid and Tellah extricate themselves from Cecilia’s asscrack and slump to the ground–looks like the Dark MRA’s statistics on false rape allegations were too much stupidity for them to cope with. “If I can use my sword…” Cecilia wheezes, not willing to give up the fight just yet. Cec, you dummy, you can’t use metal weapons in here! God, weren’t you paying attention? He passes out, leaving the Dark MRA to bask in this most glorious of victories. Four white knights down: next step, Troia Castle. Those bitches are going to pay for hurting his feelings!
But it’s not over yet. We cut to Troia’s infirmary, where Edward suddenly wakes from a restless sleep and cries, “They’re in danger!” to nobody in particular. Oh, spare me. This sudden onset of telepathy spurs him to drag himself out of bed, to the chagrin of the nurses on duty, and slowly inch his way towards his harp. I think I’m supposed to be moved or awed, but this is just fucking hilarious, especially when Ed falls flat on his face in his hurry to reach the harp. Eventually, he gets his hands on his instrument and begins to play it, and we cut back to the Dark MRA’s Crystal Room. “TwinHarp made a sound synchronizing the tune made by Edward!” the Phantom Text God explains, as the room resounds with a tinkly MIDI melody. “WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS NASTY MUSIC!? U-ugh!” the Dark MRA cries, attempting to stem the bleeding that’s suddenly issuing from his ears. But it’s too late–Edward’s fingering has scrambled his brain to the point where he loses control over the magnetic field. Jeez, I always suspected Edward was a bad musician, but this is some next-level shit.
Another penis!
Seizing the opportunity, Cecilia and the others get to their feet and re-equip all their lovely metal equipment. Wait, if they were carrying it around with them anyway, shouldn’t they have still been affected by the magnetic field? Oh, right. Logic. Never mind. The Dark MRA’s all “Oh shit”, but he attacks the party anyway. I’m sure this is going to end well for him! This time around, he’s so ineffectual that it’s kind of embarrassing–even when he repeats his triple elemental attack, it deals less than 50 damage to everyone. As you can probably imagine, it doesn’t amount to the longest boss battle in history, even though he loses his shit mid-battle and shifts to his final form, yet another phallic symbol. How fitting.
With the Dark MRA sent to the big fedora shop in the sky, Cec grabs the Earth Crystal and then gets the hell out of dodge. This encompasses another 500 battles, because I’m a fucking idiot and didn’t think to use the Exit spell. I’m just full of win in this recap, you guys. Back in Troia, the Clerics crowd round Cecilia and fawn all over him as thanks for bringing them back the crystal. So, the subtext of this little excursion was “Cecilia and his group of strong, manly men set out to reclaim the crystal and do what those weak Troian women failed to accomplish”, I guess?
Yeah, we’ll bring it riiiiiight back…
The celebrations don’t last for long. Golbez’s signature blue tint envelops the screen–how does he do that?–and then Kain’s disembodied voice booms, “Looks like you’ve got the crystal, Cecilia…” Wait, who put a hidden camera in here? No matter the explanation, Kain can see exactly what’s going on, and he orders Cecilia to take the shiny aboard the Airship Enterprise. In return, he’ll take him to the place where Rinosa’s being held. Uh, Kain? You don’t need to do that. No, really–we don’t want to inconvenience you any further. Just take the crystal and go, PLEASE!?
Actually, if I can stop being facetious for a moment (it’ll be a challenge, I know)…Cecilia’s just going along with this, even though he’s fully aware that Golbez is using the crystals for evil? And that handing over the last one could very well result in some kind of apocalyptic disaster, or, at the very least, Golbez conquering the rest of the world? I know Rinosa’s supposed to be his twoo wuv (gag me), but shouldn’t he be thinking of the greater good–especially as a paladin, a warrior of truth and justice?
Having been granted permission to “borrow” the crystal, in much the same way that Winona borrows other people’s belongings, Cecilia prepares to depart, psyching himself up for yet another passive-aggressive meeting with Kain. But before he leaves, he reluctantly checks in on Edward in the infirmary. Make no mistake, Cecilia and I still loathe the guy with a vengeance, but there’s no tiptoing around the elephant in the room–his awful harp playing saved the party’s bacon. There, I said something nice about Edward. Don’t make me do that again.