Final Fantasy IV
Part 1
"Hey, guess what? R0mz r EVAL!!!1111 Oh, and the Baron Knights are EVAL!!!1111 too."
Watch as I play through the eyes of Cecil/ia, the Dark Knight of Baron, full of wankst and confusion over the mindless killing ordered by his superiors, and the scaringly stalker-like affections of one REALLY annoying Mary Sue. Laugh as I try not to hurl at the wuuv storwy while also trying to make sense of the appalling dialogue.
Part 2
"You spoony translators!"
Poor Cecilia doesn’t exactly have the best day in this recap – he becomes a particularly stupid pawn in King Wanker’s plan to eradicate the summoners – I mean Callers – of Mist, having a brattish young girl entrusted into his care in the process; later stumbles upon an unwelcome blast from the past who, though bedridden, still manages to chain him down; and finally, becomes acquainted with an old Engrish man and a singing princess, while fighting to navigate a smorgasbord of subterranean dungeons along the way. Aren’t you just glad none of this shit is real?
Part 3
"Death is but a fleeting moment…"
…at least in this game. Yup, these guys make fake deaths seem like an art form. On the bright side, we temporarily lose a bunch of useless characters…only to gain slightly less-useless replacements. Shit. Also, Cecilia is turned into various animals and embarks on a quest to renounce his Dark Knight credentials, all the while trying to find time to look after more pre-pubescent kids. This guy never has it easy. Oh, and Rinosa gets kidnapped, like that’s a surprise. I’m only shocked it took her this long.
Part 4
"The Paladin comes out of the closet."
Cecilia and his kidlet companions ascend Mt. Ordeals, leading to an…interesting makeover for the former. Old friends return, bad villains abound, and many, MANY things also represent penises. If that isn’t enough to whet your appetite, the whole thing is topped off with a heroic sacrifice (or two). Come on in and join the coming-out party!
Part 5
"To boldly go where no Paladin has gone before."
If the split infinitive in that title bothers you, well, count yourself lucky that that’s all you have to complain about. Consider poor Cecilia, who, in the course of one traumatizing recap, reunites with not one, but TWO people he could have happily lived out the rest of his life without ever seeing again. I never knew it was possible to feel so much sympathy for a cluster of pixels. Also, we get to see what happens when a group of male game designers attempts to portray a feminist society.