Back on the world map, I head to a tucked-away peninsula where it’s possible to fight enemies who shouldn’t be encountered until a later area in the game, which obviously means better EXP. I spend a thrilling hour here, levelling Cecilia and the other characters until they’re all above Level 20. Suck it, game designers.

I think this is a Mysidian pick-up line.

Eventually I wind up back in Mysidia, where the first port of call is the Armour Store in order to buy Cecilia a shiny, expensive new set of Paladin equipment. Wait, if he wasn’t wearing his Paladin getup already, does that mean he was actually naked during the descent from Mt. Ordeals? I can’t get my head around this. I also seek out Namingway to officially change the twins’ names, since I neglected to do so the first time I was in town. Not that it’ll make much difference — after all, now their mission is over, surely they’ll be leaving the party in order to return to their studies go out and get stoned with their friends, or whatever it is young people do these days?

They’re making this too easy for me.

As Cecilia makes his way back to the strangely-named House of Wishes to report to the Elder, the various NPC mages in the area greet him with shocked variations of the line “Wow! You’re a Paladin?!” Geez, has this town got a collective malfunctioning gaydar or something? Back in the Elder’s place, Phil & Lil finally come clean about the whole “We were actually spying on you in case you wanted to nuke our town for the second time” thing, and the new touchy-feely Cecilia is perfectly cool with this. The Elder — and I’m sick of calling him that, so he’s Bob from now on — asks to see Cecilia’s sword. Like, ew, there are children present, guys. Oh, he’s actually talking about his sword, not his sword. Me and my sick mind again!

When Cecilia draws his weapon, Bob takes a step back and gasps “The inscription upon this sword is exactly the same as the Mysidian Legend!” For those of us wondering just what the hell this Mysidian Legend is, the screen subtly darkens, heralding a helpful explanation of said legend. Excuse me – Legend. The exact wording is reproduced below:

Dude, this is, like, so deep and shit…*puff*

All I can say to that is…what the fucking fuck? The script of this game is incomprehensible at the best of times — add in a pretentiously-profound prophecy like this and I might as well be reading the original Japanese text. In fact, that would probably make more sense to me, and the only Japanese word I know is — naturally — chinchin.

Cecilia is as nonplussed as I am, but rather than ask Bob what he’s babbling about, instead wants to know why “the Light” called him its son. Jesus, I hope we don’t get another ten hours of this. Bob replies that he has no idea what the Light is or what the Legend means — that makes three of us — only that the Mysidians have been told for generations to pray that the Legend will come true. Now that Cecilia has forsaken his Dark Knight credentials and become a card-carrying member of the pink parade the Heroes Club, Bob is sure he’s the one spoken of in the Legend. It would be hilarious if he wasn’t, but since that’s about as likely as me donating my life savings to the Westboro Baptist Church, I’ll just accept it as fact.

*THWACK*

Cecilia reacts to this life-changing revelation as if Bob has just told him it’s going to rain, so it falls to Tellah to spring into action; he basically says that he’s leaving to go after Golbez right now, and plans to use Meteor to destroy him. Hearing that the ultimate destructive magic has been unleashed, Bob’s all “Uh…maybe you should think about this before doing anything rash, dude”, but Tellah is adamant that he’ll avenge his daughter, whatever it takes. Hmm, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starting to get the impression that there’s some kind of confrontation brewing between Golbez and Tellah, possibly involving the Meteor spell, and I get the sense that Tellah is going to pay a high price for his revenge. It’s hard to be certain, though, as the foreshadowing is so subtle.

A double strike with the mallet. Uncalled for, guys.

Bob eventually grows sick of Tellah describing what he’s going to do to Golbez, so tells Cecilia to take him to Baron so that they can commandeer an airship to fight Golbez on equal terms. Uh, the guy’s controlling the entire Baronian army — I doubt a single airship is going to level the playing field that much. But hey, stranger and equally-contrived things are commonplace in this universe, as is illustrated by Bob’s next line: “I open the Serpent Road…go to Baron!” Wait, you mean these guys have a freaking magical road leading directly to Baron? Negating the whole issue of getting from one continent to another with no means of transportation? It’s like…I’m trying to think of a stronger word to use than “contrivance”, but my brain is hurting from the repeated thwacks I’ve received from the Foreshadowing Mallet, so I’m drawing a blank here.

Well, they’re not the typical nuclear family, but I guess the Mysidians are more liberal than most.

Tellah and Cecilia turn to leave, eager to find this wondrous and convenient Serpent Road, but Phil & Lil dart after them, begging to come along. Bob agrees to this, because he thinks it’s their destiny to fight evil or something. I’m actually not going to complain about the shoddy reasoning for their continued presence in the party, as I need all the mages I can get. In fact, they’re so useful I’d be quite happy if they remained with Cecilia until the end of the game!

The entrance to the Serpent Road is housed in an inconspicuous building on the east side of town, right next to the House of Wishes. Of course, this raises the question of why the Baron forces didn’t just use it during their attack at the beginning of the game, instead of the much less convenient and more time-consuming airship salvo. Think of the fuel they could have saved! Inside the building, a formation of predictably-phallic pillars surrounds a glowing white portal, which instantly transports the party to a similar room within the city of Baron itself. Convenient and fast — the Serpent Road truly is the new way to travel! Recommend to a friend and get 20% off your next journey!

Cecilia’s homecoming is rather subdued; none of the townspeople seem particularly fazed by his new look. They’re all gossiping about how King Wanker has changed, and not for the better — he’s closed all the shops, has arrested Cid and has even forbidden the Disturbing Dancer from plying her trade! Clearly this is yet another example of Golbez’s supreme evilness, but as he can’t get to him yet, Cecilia decides to quench his thirst with a cold mug of ale…er, a white wine spritzer.

En route to the Pub-stroke-Inn, he happens upon Rinosa’s house. Surprisingly, the interior doesn’t house her stalker shrine — only her elderly mother, who enquires as to daughter’s whereabouts. If Cecilia were still a Dark Knight, he would be tempted to draw his sword and skewer the woman for birthing that clingy hag, but he resists temptation and leaves quietly. Now in the Pub, he approaches the bar only to spy a familiar face seated at an adjacent table, along with a couple of Baron soldiers. It’s KaMan, last seen falling overboard along with Edward, Gyftyd and the crewmembers of their ill-fated voyage from Fabul. Wow, so someone else actually survived Leviathan’s attack! It’s a miracle!

If Cecilia had been hoping for a teary reunion, perhaps with some discreet caressing thrown in, he’s in for a rude awakening — taking in his former companion’s flamboyant makeover, KaMan shockingly leaps out of his seat and commands the soldiers to attack! Uh, that’s a hate crime, KaMan. Not cool. After vanquishing the soldier clones, Cecilia and co are forced to fight KaMan himself, which proves slightly more challenging. However, karate skills are no match for Ice3, as Tellah can attest.

Wait, who’s the Baron? I thought the king was in charge around here?

After their skirmish, KaMan is laying flat-out on the ground, moaning in pain. Suddenly, he has a moment of lucidity and groans “Cecilia! Leviatan attacked us and I can’t remember what happened after that.” Before Cecilia can inflame the situation further by replying “I came out”, Tellah chips in with some words of wisdom: “It seems you are being utilized by the Baron while you’re amnesiac.” Yeah, that’s it. Amnesia. I bet he’s going to protest that he has lots of gay friends, too, like that excuses his actions.

Hilariously, though, he actually did have amnesia, which is (conveniently) instantly dispelled now that he’s had some sense knocked into him. Satisfied that his old friend isn’t in fact a secret homophobe, Cecilia forgives him for attacking them since he was under Golbez’s orders. KaMan apologizes, and it’s all very emotional, blah blah blah. After a few more text boxes, Cecilia asks if Gyftyd or Edward survived too. Oh, come on — two people surviving that attack was unlikely enough. Any more than that would stretch the realm of believability further than I can comprehend.

“Gyftyd was swallowed by Leviatan,” KaMan replies, making my inner 12-year-old snicker immaturely. “I don’t know what happened to Edward…” And nobody cares, so that makes things simple, doesn’t it? Continuing their conversation in a less public place (the bedroom of the Inn), KaMan asks who the crazy old guy is. Cecilia replies that he’s “Tellah the Sage. Edward’s father.”

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…WHAT. I actually just did a spit-take because I don’t remember that line being in any other version of the game (and there are a lot to choose from), so I can only assume it’s yet another translation casualty. But those two little words conjure up such horrifying images that it’s hard for me to let it slide. That would make Anna and Edward siblings (which, considering she was a beard, actually wouldn’t be that disturbing), but if Tellah were actually responsible for spawning the Spoony Tard himself, he would lose every shred of fondness I had for him as a character. I mean, the awesomeness of being able to cast Meteor would be instantly cancelled out by the shame of producing that useless THING. The only scenario I can compare this to (admittedly, on a more devastating scale) would be Auron admitting he was Tidus’s real dad. Let us sweep this line under the carpet and never speak of it again.

After the rest of the gang introduce themselves to KaMan, the group decides on its next course of action. Despite the small matter of the stolen Crystals looming over their heads like a guillotine, they vote to concentrate on rescue missions for the foreseeable future, adding Cid to their “People we need to extricate” list. Well, he can probably provide them with their precious airship if they free him, so I guess this makes some kind of sense.

The group discusses the small matter of entering Baron castle, no small feat considering the hordes of hostile guards swarming around town. Near the Item store there’s apparently an entrance to an underground waterway leading underneath the castle, but it’s understandably locked. But whaddaya know — in yet another amazing coincidence, KaMan’s all “Wait, what’s this digging into my skin?”, before pulling out the very key they need from his pocket. No, I’m not even kidding. “The Key of Baron! Yeah!” Cecilia yells triumphantly. “With this key, we can make it!” For fuck’s sake, did he drink Felix Felicis this morning? Is anything going to go wrong for him today, or at least not have its solution present itself on a silver platter?