Frog dashes up and chops the mountain in two, allowing the party to enter. As soon as they set foot inside the Magic Cave, a tiny bat inconspicuously flutters down and hovers by Punk’s head. Then, the party fights through a slew of bigger, more evil bats and rats and it’s all deathly exciting except for the fact that we’ve already had a dungeon filled with magical monsters. Two notable discoveries are another one of those Mystically Sealed Boxes that we can’t open yet and a dead body that bears the message (written in blood, natch,): “The Juggler in Magus’s castle… strengthens his guard when attacked. Beware!” Don’t know who wrote it, and frankly, I don’t care.
The party emerges from the Magic Cave on a tiny, island continent. The only landmark of note is Magus’s Lair, and in they trot. In case nobody paid attention to the name of the place when we entered, Frog exposits that “this must be Magus’s Castle” and a slew of bats ominously fly off into the full moon. Not our own, very unsuspicious, personal bat, though. That one stays with us.
When they aren’t immediately mauled by monsters the second they step through the door, the party decides that, before they send Magus to the great beyond, they totally have some time to check out his castle and loot it for all it’s worth. Punk leads Frog and Rosie to the hallway on the left, around a young lass (who is, duh, evil, because this is an evil place and the common folk have no business here), swipes a Mid Ether from underneath the nose of a young lad (see above), dashes between two children chasing each other around, and takes a staircase up to a secluded room where a sword hangs tantalizingly on the wall, just out of reach. Punk pockets the Mid Ether and Shelter on either side of the chair in the middle of the room and leads Frog and Rosie back to the entrance, and then on to the right hallway.
Four obnoxious little children block access to the first treasure chest along the way, but in the second room of hallway number two, Rosie’s dad, Queen Leene, and Punk’s mom all try to walk toward the party. If I was stupid, I’d be all, “OMG do I hafta save dem1?” but I’m not, so the party just continues onward. Whereas the last room in the left hallway had something worthwhile for the party to pocket, the last room in the right hallway doesn’t. I feel used.
It’s back to square one for the party as they dash southward, dodging their respective Doppleganged! loved ones, and in the main hall, Punk notices a shiny circle of sparkles. Punk, not any knowing better than to enjoy a little sparkle action now and again, dives on the circle.
The screen grows dark, and when the lights come back on, Ozzie is floating way up high, framed against a stained-glass window. He’s also casting a shadow on the window, making my mind scramble to fanwank some appropriate angles and light sources, but then I realize that I don’t care. Frog shouts Ozzie’s name, in case we forgot it, which we haven’t, and our friend the bat flutters over to Ozzie’s side. Totally not suspicious, typical bat behavior.
We’ll see about that, eh?
Ozzie greets the party by making fun of Frog’s unfortunate transformation and letting them know that Magus is busy at the moment. Ozzie the Secretary suggests that the party keep themselves occupied with Slash the swordsman, Flea the magician, and the 100 monsters of Magus’ castle until they can work out an appointment at a later date. And with that, he summons two bats and four hench monsters to do battle with the party. Because I highly doubt Ozzie’s claim that we’ll have to fight 100 monsters, I’ll be keeping a running tally of all the monsters we fight. So, Current Monster Tally: 6.
After the party bests the six foes, Punk leads Frog and Rosie back down the right hallway. The obnoxious kids are still blocking off that treasure chest, so Punk just sidesteps them and keeps on trucking. In the next room, the party’s Doppleganged! loved ones have taken it upon themselves to stand stock still as the characters pass. Very convenient. It’s a tight squeeze to get past Leene, who wedged herself in a doorframe, but the party manages to get through without turning the doppelgangers into monsters and having to battle. The room at the end of the hall, the one that was devoid of life not five seconds ago, now houses a monster named “Flea?” which means, duh, it isn’t really Flea. It’s actually one of those Joker monsters that has the annoying ability to drain the character that kills it of all his MP. Good thing Punk is proficient enough with his sword. Current Monster Tally: 7.
Anyway, Frog is smart enough to realize that the beast the party just slew wasn’t really Flea, (you think maybe it was the “?” that tipped him off?) and demands to know where the real Flea is. The Party’s Personal Bat takes its cue from Frog and flutters to the center of the room, giggling manically all the way. After flashing white, it transforms into a pink woman in a white dress with a huge pink braid. Frog warns the party that, despite the hooker gear, Flea is not a woman to be trifled with, which earns an outcry from Flea: “What the…?! Hey, I’m a GUY!”
Wow. Wow. Who the hell did Michael Balzary piss off at Square? I mean, come on, The Red Hot Chili Peppers aren’t that bad. Really. I guess somebody must have taken the criticism to keep his wang in the hangar a little TOO seriously.
‘I am woman, hear me roar!’
“True Men Don’t Kill Coyotes,” Flea pipes up in defense of his gender ambiguity, “Catholic Schoolgirls Rule, anyway, hadn’t you heard? If you wanna fight, I won’t give you No Chump Love, Sucker. I Fight Like a Brave, and I’ll go upside your head with This Velvet Glove!”
And just like that, Flea transports the room to a Parallel Universe to make with the fighting. Since he’s taken the form of a woman, and a Magician at that, Flea’s defense edges toward the “lacking” end of the spectrum, giving the physically-powerful party the upper hand. I will say this about the battle, though. Every single one of Flea’s attacks is pink and heart-shaped and exceedingly feminine. I’m half-surprised they didn’t give Flea a set of attacks with options like “Be Barefoot,” “Make Babies,” “Nag Incessantly,” and “Make Me Some Pie.”
After Flea’s girly HP stock has been depleted, he apologizes to Magus for being so feminine and incompetent, and a white flash consumes the screen, Breaking The Girl and leaving the party to trek back to the entrance of the Castle and on to the left hallway. All this back and forth business isn’t getting at all tedious, no sir. And just think of all the effort the dungeon designers spared! Genius.
Loading ...This time, instead of being populated with random townies, the left hallway is populated by a bunch of skeleton monsters, and they’re all sparring under the watchful eye of an armored Cyclops. By hugging the wall, Punk avoids them and heads straight for the room at the end of the hall. And who else should be huddled in the back room but the townies! They must be friendly! Punk attempts to talk to one, and she moans for the party to “Please help…”
“…relieve [them] of their misery,” because the townies really were evil all along and transform into skeletons. Just when I think I’m so jaded that I can’t possibly stand it, this game throws a total curveball at me. Wonderful. Current Monster Tally: 12. After the Townie!Skeletons die, an ominous voice asks how the party got past his “cadaver pals” –yuk, yuk, yuk– and a lithe swordsman spins into the room. Frog greets him as “Sir Slush,” but we’re all clever enough to figure out that this is actually Slash. So that’s what Saul Hudson looks like underneath the huge Jew-fro.
“Welcome To The Jungle, where Anything Goes,” Slash tells the party as he limbers up for battle, “We’re Right Next Door To Hell, so you’ll fit in nicely with the Dust N’ Bones you just busted up!” Battle starts, and Frog and Punk use their various sword techniques to battle the swordsman while Rosie plays healer. After he’s suffered a certain amount of damage, Slash yells, “Back Off, Bitch!” and with a graceful leap, he pulls the sword from earlier off the wall and, brimming with Raw Power he waves the blade menacingly in front of the party. As Slash starts to zip around the room at an alarming speed, the battle restarts. He gives the party a run for their money, but after a few well-placed hits from Frog, Slash drops the sword, vows to Live and Let Die, and fades out of the screen. Punk quickly equips the discarded “Slasher” and the party makes for the entrance.
Once again, exploring both hallways triggers the sparkly circle to appear, and Punk dashes into it without a second thought. Using some type of mystical transporting magic, the party is whisked away to some inner sanctum of the Castle. And it’s a good thing too, because if I’d have had to check out those damned hallways one more time, I was going to throw my Playstation out the window.
Them’s fighting words!
The party rematerializes at the end of a long corridor, and after running a gauntlet of unavoidable battles with a grand total of 16 monsters (Current Monster Tally: 28), they find Ozzie. Even though the bloated green monster in question was clearly waiting there for the party to show, he feigns disgust when they try to talk to him and calls for Slash and Flea. Frog politely lets Ozzie know that the party killed his cohorts, so they probably won’t be able to help, and Ozzie does what he does best. He flings shit and runs away.
The party chases after him into a room covered with conveyor belts and with lots of moving scythes hanging from the ceiling. I have no idea why this room is stuck in the heart of the castle as opposed to right inside the front door, but I guess that’s why I’m a recapper and not a moron castle maker. Anyway, the party easily navigates the conveyor belts and avoids getting sliced by the moving scythes. When they get about halfway through, Ozzie, who is hiding near the top of the screen turning the crank that makes every appliance in the room work, decides to crank faster. Miraculously, the party remains unscathed as they meander through the blades and right up to Ozzie. He runs away.
Instead of popping into another room when they follow Ozzie, the Trio appears on some random parapet and has to dodge a slew of bats, Jugglers, and rolling ball enemies. The dodging is successful because the only way to get in a battle is to hit the rolling ball enemies, and there are ladders every five or so feet that can be used to hide from them. Then the Trio emerges in a room that Ozzie has riddled with trapdoors. Using a strategy guide, Punk locates avoids all the holes. Poor Ozzie doesn’t get to spring any traps on the party, and runs away. Again, the Trio emerges on some random parapet, but this time, there are these annoying bird monsters that the party constantly bumps into, initiating a fair share of battles. So let’s just say that the Current Monster Tally makes an inexplicable jump to 34 and leave it at that, okay? Also, when Frog casts “Water” magic, it he makes “Ah… ah… ah…” noises and shoots a huge bubble at the enemy. It totally sounds and looks like he’s sneezing and shooting a huge snot-bubble. Thought you’d like to know.
Another room waits beyond the parapet, this one lined with winches that pull up monsters as the Trio passes. 12 monsters later, (Current Monster Tally: 46), the party again catches Ozzie. Who again runs away. Tedium has officially set in. After hugging the wall to avoid a corridor-full of battles, the party arrives in the last of the contiguous rooms. Thank God.
‘Tho thit down and thut up! Bitth.’
When the party talks to Ozzie, he growls in frustration, like, get in line, buddy, and Frog lets Ozzie know that we’ve come to kick his flabby ass. Ozzie laughs in retaliation and encases himself in a giant crystal shield, which just so happens to be impervious to attack. Consumed with frustration at being unable to attack Ozzie, Punk instead wails on one of the four winches in the room, causing the winch to break and a hole to appear in the floor to Frog’s left. Then Punk attacks another winch that causes a hole to appear to Rosie’s right. Then Punk attacks another winch that causes a huge hole to appear between Frog and Rosie. Finally, Punk attacks the fourth winch, which causes a hole to appear under Ozzie’s crystal shield and sends him plummeting to his doom. As gratifying as the Goofy-esque wail Ozzie lets loose as he falls is, I’m relatively pissed off that the party never actually gets a chance to hurt Ozzie. I mean, come on, you spend all this time chasing down a badguy and he pretty much ends up eluding you again. Rage.