Just as I am given control of the party, loud and obnoxious snoring noises (as if there were any other kind) float in over the prevailing tranquil music. Punk busts into the central area of the Patio in Space, looking for things to kill, but instead finds an old man with a bubble of narcolepsy emerging from his nose. The Old Man is wearing a very British-looking overcoat and bowler, and is leaning up against a lamp post. Upon awakening, he sleepily greets the crew.
“Ah, more guests!” he cheerfully exclaims as the four heroes gather around him. Lucca demands to know what he means by “guests” and, hey, while we’re on the subject, where the hell are they, anyway. Old Man shrugs her off with a chuckle and offhandedly comments, “Why, this is ‘The End of Time’, of course!” Of course it is. I was there just the other day to pick up a carton of milk. You’d think I’d remember what it looks like. Jesus, this is painful.
“All lost travelers in time wind up here!” Old Man continues helpfully, “Now, where are you from?” Lucca has elected herself spokeswoman for the three humans, rightly so, I might add, and tells the Old Man that the three are from “circa 1000 AD.” Kosmo adds that he is from 2300 AD, and the news whips Old Man into a fit of exposition:
“When 4 or more beings step into a time warp, the Conservation of Time theorem states that they will turn up…” he bullshits, “…at the space-time coordinates of least resistance. Here.” In other words, you can only have three people in the party at one time, because that’s how RPG’s work, doncha know.
Old Man complains for a beat about how “far too many folks are just popping in [there]…” and casually mentions that he fears something may be “having a very powerful effect on the very fabric of time…” Wouldn’t it be funny if Lucca’s Telepod was the thing having the huge effect on time instead of the final boss? But this game was made in the Super Nintendo days, before they knew that conventions could be denied, so Lavos it is.
Speaking of the Hedgehog from Hell, Old Man casually mentions during his conversation with the random teenage heroes that the “Gate in the bucket” over yonder leads to the Day of Lavos. Remember that video we saw in 2300 AD? That was the Day of Lavos. Needless to say, I won’t be going there any time soon. But it begs the question: if Old Man knows about Lavos and knows that Lavos caused the Apocalypse, why hasn’t he figured out that Lavos is also the one ripping holes in time? STUPID STUPID Old Man.
While we’re on the subject of buckets, the “Gate in the bucket” is quite different from the Crystal of HP/MP Replenishment in the Bucket, which I find funny, because they are both the HP/MP Crystal and the Gate of Lavosity Doom are sparkly things in buckets, but one causes painful death and the other heals you. Just a sidenote for those of you playing along at home.
Anyway, with all that tiresome filler wrapped up, we can get back to the filler at hand. Old Man has just told the party that they only get three members in the party at a time, and Lucca, being the brain trust of the group, deduces that one member of the party has to stay at the End of Time. “Stay HERE? ALONE?” M!Sue bitches. Old Man says that he sympathizes, but nothing can be done. He does offer the consolation that all time periods connect to the End of Time, so the loser party members can be visited often. Like that’s ever gonna happen.
Lucca asks Punk which member of the group will have to stay behind, and Punk chooses Kosmo, because he wants M!Sue’s sweet candy and if he didn’t bring Lucca, the party would never get anything intelligent done. With all loose ends tied up at the End of Time, the Trio makes for the Pillars of Light before the Old Man stops them once again.
“Don’t be in such a rush!” he yells. “Before you go, take a peek inside the room behind me!” The Trio obeys, and inside the room they find…a fluffy lamb.
The Fluffy Lamb dude is named Spekkio, and he and the party mince words for a bit. We soon learn that Spekkio looks weak as the party is weak and strong as the party is strong. He’s like some Mirror of POWA! or something. Spekkio then proceeds to tell some little ditty about a magical culture of long ago that I’m sure we’ll hear about again soon and hey, while he’s at it, offers to endow the party with magical abilities of their own. It must be some End of Time hazing thing. Anyway, Spekkio tells the party that for the low low price of three laps around the room, they too can be the proud new owners of elementally-based Magikal Powerz.
Loading ...Punk leads his two foxy companions in three quick jaunts around the room and talks to Spekkio again. With a Lucca-esque twirl and a magical chant of: “Ipso-facto-meenie-moe MAGICO!” he grants the humans their hard earned Magiks. Water splashes around M!Sue’s ankles as she learns “Water Magic,” Lucca bursts into flames as she gains fiery skills, and Punk gets a mini-tornado around his legs as he learns “Lightning Magic.” Um, pretend that last one made sense. That’s what I’m doing. *takes a drink*
Spekkio offers to fight the party to test out their new Skillz, but I respectfully decline because he’s small and cute and in the Square equation, Small and Cute equals Kill you Ten Times Before You Hit the Ground. And I’m just not into death quite yet. Check back next recap–my self-defense mechanisms should be whittled away by then.
With environmentally-friendly magical abilities in tow, the party is finally ready to exit, stage left. Punk wanders over to the Pillars of Light and stands on top of the one that offers to send him to Medina Village 1000 AD. Because, you know, We’re Trying to Get Back to “Our” Time. The POL jettisons Punk, M!Sue, and Lucca into space, leaving Kosmo all alone with the crazy narcoleptic man. Sniff. But hey, at least he’s not alone in his own messed-up time period anymore, right? Right?
The interior of some random cottage. Two goblins have just seated themselves down to a nice, Atkins-friendly meal of CAKE~! when the BBP unceremoniously rips open a cupboard inside the cottage and dumps Punk and Co. on the floor. The two goblins share an obligatory “What the fuckity fuck?” moment, but on the whole, they’re pretty cool about the whole thing, especially as far as monsters go. I mean, they don’t froth at the mouth and try to tear the party limb from limb or anything. Unfortunately. Excuse me while I remove the leg of lamb from around M!Sue’s neck.
As the party makes a mad dash for the door, one goblin stops them and warns the Trio to watch out for angry Mystics, because all the ancestors of the monsters of the village lost a war against some humans a long time ago and as a result, are all damned dirty racists that spend their time brewing Moonshine, sleeping with their cousins, and making up new endings to otherwise undisputed wars. At least, I think that’s what he said. I was drifting in and out. Regardless, armed with this knowledge, the Trio makes it a point to visit every area of interest in the town to, you know, sample the local flavor. And by sample, I mean kill.
Aside from a monstrously fat purple blob that serves as the town’s acting mayor, most of the monsters are pansy-assed muthafuckas docile and prefer to make expository conversation with the party. Even the fat purple blob spends his time bossing his fellow monsters around, so even though he’s ugly and clearly a bad guy, the party can’t fight him. Eventually though, we find Little Italy the portion of town that has a personal vendetta against all things human and the Trio spends a decent chunk of the time spent in town killing the innkeeper, shopkeeper, and bar patrons. I can just feel the karma stacking against the heroes. Let me have my fun. It’s all I’ve got to live for anymore.
Checking “An entire town” off of his “Things to Kill with my SHINY SWORD before I myself die, which will, of course, not be anytime soon,” checklist, Punk leads the Trio in a rigorous exploration of the countryside surrounding the secluded town of Medina. Notable landmarks include the gigantic blue pyramid to the north that will become moderately important sometime in the distant future, a cave to the west, which will become very important in the immediate future, and a house on the outskirts of the village, whose owner will become immensely important sometime between the times the other two locales of varied importance become, well, important. Whew, what a mouthful.
Inside the house lives none other than “Melchior, the swordsmith.” I remember him from the Fair, but you probably don’t because I didn’t mention him by name. He’s the one that tried to buy M!Sue’s pendant and asked Punk to come over and see him sometime. How ironic that we are now, indeed, over to see him. I never saw that one coming.
The Trio hasn’t entered Melchior’s particular story arc yet, so he basically does nothing except try to whore his weapons out to the adventurers and lament the fact that the world is so violent that people need weapons. Maybe it’s just because his house is a stone’s throw away from a village full of HUMAN HATING MONSTERS that he has such a negative outlook. Or maybe he’s just one of those people that hates people that fight monsters. Even though more weapons sold means more money for Melchior, so I don’t really get his beef. Maybe he just likes to complain. Just pick a rationalization and let’s move on. *takes a drink*
Anyway, the Trio quickly bores of Melchior’s geriatric ramblings and decides to head to the cave I mentioned earlier. On the way out, Melchior tells them to go to the cave if they want to go back to Truce. It’s good to know that everybody has been paying attention thus far. Turn up the Bell tones, Gramps. Sheesh. This game blows like a bulimic after Christmas dinner.
As soon as the Trio enters the cave, they are accosted by two Orcs that rush forward with a mighty battle cry: “Death to the Mystic’s enemies!” It is at this exact moment that I notice that the monsters in the Cave are mostly immune to physical attacks, so hot damn with a side of bacon, isn’t it convenient that the party just recently acquired Magikal Skillz and the three Magikal Skill users are currently in my party? I thought so too. Go me! The Orcs quickly suffer magical death at the hands of the heroes. Go me times two!
I don’t spend much time mucking around in this dungeon because the constant use of flaming/freezing/shocking Magikal Skillz to inflict burning/frosty/um…shockity death on all the random little monsters in the dungeon eats the Trio’s MP like Roseanne on a bender. Plus, the dungeon is very simply laid out, with a large, prevalent path leading the way. The only time I get lost is when the Trio has to switch to walking in the water rushing underneath the stony walkways. The water pulls Punk every direction except the one I want to go in, but I finally figure it out. Not really very funny, but damned if I’ll be annoyed by something in a videogame and not find a way to bring it up in recap. Deal.
Eventually, the Trio stumbles across a sparkling save point, which I use, and after a few steps, the screen starts a-rumblin’. The Trio assumes boss-fighting positions, and a large blue monster with spikes running along its back emerges from the path at the top of the screen. “Death to Magus’s enemies!” he cries, and the boss battle begins. Punk hammers the monster, named Heckran, with Lightning magic, and Lucca and M!Sue combine their Ice and Fire powers to cast Antipode. (For language enthusiasts out there, Anti = opposite, and Pode = pole. Antipode combines the two opposite elements, or poles. Who says videogames can’t teach?)