I actually bother to look at the boss’s name this time: GiantGloop. In case that wasn’t descriptive enough for us, its very first attack is GooeyGoo. You know what, guys? I’m starting to get the idea that this boss might be a gelatinous blob. And if I were immature, I might make some totally inappropriate comments regarding the viscous slime that GiantGloop keeps shooting into the faces of our heroes. But I won’t, because I am a totally mature gamer, not some pervert who makes sexual jokes on the internet. At one point, GiantGloop even absorbs Biotch completely into itself, which some sicko might point out is probably a fetish with a following on the internet. But I wouldn’t point that out. I am respectable.

Suddenly Biotch gets stricken with a blue status effect and can’t do anything! Somehow I still manage to get through the battle. But I’m sure it was close! At the end, GiantGloop does the typical RPG blob monster thing and melts into a big puddle of steaming, sizzling goo. God, I can just imagine some sick, immature asshole making that into a sexual innuendo. Can you imagine? God, what is this world coming to?

Some of you reading this are very intelligent individuals. Others of you might think Tidus is an impressive, lovable hottie. But no matter your IQ, you should still be able to figure out that as soon as Cronabe flips the switch, another dragon appears in the Magical Circular Dragon Circle Room. Only three more to go! God, I’m never going to be finished with this shit.

The last doorway out of the main chamber leads to my least favorite of all the puzzles. Not because it’s particularly difficult or random-battle-heavy — it’s just tedious. Of course all the other ones were, too, but…well, it’s just annoying, okay? The room is essentially a circular labyrinth with some of its “walls” accessible via strategically placed staircases. Some of these walls contain treasure chests or switches, and Cronabe can see a rather tempting switch on the center dais, but he can’t get to any of them at the moment. He and his party members must first stand in front of another Tablet of Pretentiousness, on three sets of glowing footprints set into the floor. “We Dragonians are comprised of a head, body, and tail,” the Tablet bullshits. “Thou must change the order of the head, body, and tail to unveil a new path.”

Translated into normal human terms, this means that Cronabe must try out different party order combinations and then present himself to the shrine in order to make things change in the labyrinth room. He can do this either by pressing the select button — er, I think it’s the select button, not that I care enough to double check — or by standing on a glowing rectangle just outside the door to the tablet. The latter switches the first and last party members. But none of you really care about the mechanics — just know that I am saved from trying all the possible combinations by the grace of the wondrous walkthrough. Don’t be fooled, though — carrying out the necessary switch-flippings and treasure chest-collecting still takes way too fucking long. God, did these stupid Dragonians have to go through all this every time they wanted to enter their own fort? Imagine the hoops they had to jump through to open the way to the bathroom.

At last, after plundering every last chest for the mediocre treasures within, Cronabe heads to the now-lowered dais containing the yellow Not-A-Penis Crystal. He flips the switch suspiciously, looking about him for any signs of the inevitable boss. Well, what do you know — just like the first switch, nothing appears. Cronabe undoubtedly stands there in shock for a few moments. Or he could be jackin’ it for all we know, since the camera insists once again on showing us a detailed view of that irritating dragon room. Seriously, we got it, like, three dragons ago! Before any of you e-mail me to point out the importance of showing the results of Cronabe’s actions, I freaking know. It’s still silly and extraneous. Then again, that pretty much sums up the entire game.

The appearing glowy dragons are not the only thing that the camera takes care to show to us. Back in the main chamber, in the center of the lit-up colored circles, a stone cylinder rises slowly out of the floor like a…cylindrical stone thing. Yeah. Not a penis or anything like that. Gross. The base of the cylinder is decorated with unicorns. I’m just fucking with you — surprise! It’s dragons! There’s also a door in the center of the thing, making it quite obvious where Cronabe must go next.

Cronabe enters the door, of course, and finds a fabulous white Not-A-Penis Crystal staring back at him. As soon as he rushes forward to flip that switch like it’s never been flipped before, a golden pinwheel drops out of the sky to confront the party. The golden pinwheel turns around and…HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT ON A PANCAKE!

Give me a moment.

Okay. It’s safe to say that those of us who have played Chrono Cross are no strangers to nightmare fodder. Shit, you’ve read the recaps — you know about things like Jesus the Talking Hippie Scarecrow and Skelly. Well, this boss is right up there in terms of things that cause you to leave the lights on at night — it’s no animated clown skeleton, true, but it is a floating sun whose scary-ass grin would creep out Tidus. And to add insult to injury, its name is SunOfAGun.

Do you get it? Because “son of a gun” is an actual phrase? And the boss is a sun? That shoots magic not unlike how a gun shoots its own form of projectiles, otherwise known as bullets? Do you see how that works?

SunOfAGun doesn’t just bitchsmack the party around and look creepy. That’s for amateurs. Nope, our favorite diabolical sun also performs an attack entitled “Kissy-Wissy.” I wish I were joking. This attack involves charging up to a character — in this case, poor, gay, stupid Glenn — and basically re-enacting the FFX Pond Scene with him, including the horrible, horrible zombie grin, but with the addition of glowy hearts.

And that’s still not all! Old Sunny can also change modes, which means that it starts to freak out, then turns around briefly and comes back with a new frightening expression on its face. Whereas before, it had on its “Happy” face, a.k.a. Brain-Eating Doll Grin, it now transforms into what is most likely the “Sad” face. To me, it looks more like “I Have Cancer, and I Also Dropped Some Bad Acid Just Now.” Potato, potahto. I’m sure dropping bad acid makes the game designers sad.

Speaking of sadness — not to mention pants-wetting fear — SunOfAGodDamnGun has a third mode — “I Am Going To Show Up In Your Room At Night And Kill All Your Puppies Right Before I Decapitate You And Fuck Your Neckhole.” In other words, pissed off and evil. I apologize for the graphic nature of that description, but seriously — have you seen this thing? If not, thank your lucky stars. And run away. Run away now.

Having that face paused on my screen as I type this has most likely shortened my lifespan by a few years, so I hope you appreciate what I go through for you. Angry!Sun’s attacks include PhotonBeam, a concentrated blast of white right to Cronabe’s face. I can only imagine what some people would say about that. How immature.

In the midst of my paralyzing fear of this boss, I forgot to mention that it’s also a total bitch to fight. Like I needed that. It’s a white element, and often gets in several powerful attacks before I can fight back. Not only that, but it manages to get the entire field set to white — enhancing its attacks — before I can do anything. Oh, and Cronabe, being a white element himself, can’t really do much to it with his magic. But he doesn’t seem all that protected against Sunny. Yeah, like that’s fair.

Okay, enough with this boss. Eventually, the group manages to wear the motherfucker down without running away screaming. Speaking of screaming, the stupid SunOfABitch (sorry) has a creepy-ass death animation, too. I consider this harassment. After contorting its freaky face and moaning for a while, the sun collapses, its “I Am A Dead And Soulless Corpse” face right in the camera. Suck on it, game designers.

I am so glad I remember to go and save here. Facing that boss twice within 24 hours was bad enough. Yeah, shudder while you contemplate that. Cronabe heads back inside the cylinder — he’s got a white Not-A-Penis Crystal to deactivate! When he does, dragons, then a band-aid shaped elevator platform lowers into the cylinder. Wishing I had a band-aid for my brain, I make the party head down first. They find themselves in a room with five circular depressions, four of which contain a broken egg shell. I wonder if those are dragon eggs! I’m a psychic!

I have no idea if this has any sort of significance to me as a player at the moment. What am I saying — of course it doesn’t! But I just needed some padding wanted to be complete and all that shit. Let’s move on. The party takes the elevator up this time, only to find themselves in the dream sequence from the beginning. Seriously, this is what Cronabe was dreaming about when I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I think you know what I’m about to say here, but I’m going to say it anyway — I still have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Nor do I have any idea why Cronabe dreamed that he was with Steve and Speedo during this part. Well, I do know, actually. The game designers left the game and party formation so open-ended that all the continuity spilled out. Don’t get me wrong — I’m freaking thrilled that I don’t have to stare at Speedo’s chaos sausage through the entire dungeon. But still, it’s silly.

Given that I already recapped this bit of dungeon-crawling earlier, I don’t have much more to say. Except that I never mentioned that the final Not-A-Penis Switch is black. Like a big, black…version of the Washington Monument. God Bless America.

But wait! Cronabe, having already dreamed of this dungeon, almost dies of shock when a large, blobular thing drops from of the ceiling and lands directly in front of the crystal. What the fuck is this? First his dream sticks him with Speedo’s penis and then it forgets to warn him about a boss? Not cool, prophetic dream. Not cool at all.

The latest of our umpteen bosses in this recap is a cute little monster called Bunyip. Although it looks sort of like a frog, it also resembles a bunny somewhat, with its long ears and oversized back feet. I feel kind of bad beating up on it, even with its insistence on bombarding me with red spells, but Cronabe sure doesn’t. It’s cute and probably rare, and asking Cronabe to let it live is like asking “mature” gamers not to get their panties in a twist over penis jokes. Strangely enough, as I mentioned, the Bunyip’s repertoire consists of red elemental spells. Yet the Not-A-Penis Crystal it’s guarding is black. Something is off here. The game designers might be fond of — obsessed, even — with throwing shit into this game that makes about as much sense as a wind rune summoning a golem, but no way are they going to break their own clichéd elemental setup.

Sure enough, within a few minutes, the cute bunyip breathes its last and proceeds to puke out a giant, shiny black monstrosity with two long arms and a single eyeball. Yes, it’s a one-eyed monster. In other words, a…well, a Cyclops. It wears the remains of the Bunyip like a pair of rabbit-themed underwear, adding to the overall fucked-upedness. I wonder how many unsuspecting, innocent gamers have failed random drug tests after playing this game.

So now we have our black elemental, and of course, our red elemental that we sadly missed in the first puzzle room. I don’t know if I should be thankful for the game designers for combining two bosses into one or pissed off that I still have to fight roughly a thousand boss battles in this dumb dungeon. It’s a toss-up, really. Also, I’m wondering if and when I’ll meet up with the missing yellow elemental. But not too hard, because most of my brain cells have been burned away by the secondary high I’ve received from this game.

There’s not much else to say about this dillhole — no unusual battle moves, no tricks to fighting him. Soon, the mutated Bunyip is no more. Cronabe needs a cigarette now. He flips the switch, finally, lighting up the sixth and final dragon statue. Thank Jebus.

Just like the dream, Cronabe and his companions ride the circular teleportational lift in the next room up to the Hallucination Platform. The lift has a six-spoke design on it that matches the floor pattern in the Dragon Room. I get it now! Cronabe approaches the set of double doors, just like in his dream, except that he doesn’t have to deal with any annoying slang dialogue from Steve. Because she’s not there! Even Biotch and Glenn manage to keep their yaps shut.

Okay, you know how we saw the whole Stabbed!Steve FMV hallucination at the beginning of the game? And then we saw it again at the end of the last recap? Well, hold onto your hats, because as Cronabe stares at the double doors, he has the exact same hallucination again. I know I expressed an interest in seeing more Stabbed!Steve in the last recap, so I probably shouldn’t complain. However, would it be too much to ask for some new footage? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. The game designers have never been subtle about their laziness, and this is no exception. So once again we get to see Steve lying bloodlessly on the floor while Cronabe holds a bloody knife and smiles. Only this time, I notice the glowing spoke pattern in the floor — shit, they’re in the Circular Dragon Room of Circles!