But oh noes! This idyllic poor-but-happy orphanage didn’t last for long. As we saw in Steve’s FMV dream, that Lynx fucker showed up one day and torched the place. He also kidnapped Lucca, most likely to have his wicked way with her. And you can bet there’s a fanfiction out there with the details. “Sister…never came back…” Steve says. Well, shit, there go my happy Chrono Trigger memories.

This recounting of her tragic past opens the wankst floodgates. Put on your anti-wank gear, folks — it’s about to get ugly. “Since then, I’ve wandered the world and experienced so much pain, just to get by… No one was there to help me. I was always alone. If you ask me, the idea of guardian angels watchin’ over us all the time…that’s a load of rubbish,” she whines. Gosh, I can’t think of any reason why people keep ditching her. People like her are so much fun to be around! Cronabe rolls his eyes at Steve when she stands up and walks away from him. Why did Deus X. Machina have to give her the antidote? Why didn’t Cronabe just pretend he was asleep?

Steve is still not done. Sure, she could have just said “My life sucks.” But as we all know from reading Livejournal and playing FFX, when it wanks, it pours. “In this world, the underhanded always gets the last laugh. Only the ones who don’t think anything of hurtin’ others are the ones who get bloodstained fortunes.” I don’t think that last sentence even makes sense. By the way, I just realized that if Steve and Whiner got together and made babies, those fuckers would probably cause the universe to implode and fire to rain down from the heavens with their whining. I hate to say it, but hanging out with Tidus would probably be preferable to hanging out with those kids. Now that’s fucked up.

Still not done. After some more shit about how only bad people get ahead in this horrible, horrible world, Steve breaks out with, “The great species of mankind…our wonderful world, filled with love and happiness… HA! Don’t make me laugh!” After that entire self-pitying wankologue, Steve finishes with, “But if that’s how it is, that’s fine with me.” That’s like people on the internet who post novel length essays about how much someone in particular sucks butt and then try to convince everyone that they don’t care. Shut it, Steve.

Okay, I lied when I said she was finished. She goes on a bit more to explain just how hard she’ll try to live her life even though God has it in for her. What a strong and admirable person she is. Her actual last statement involves an excessively punctuated vow of revenge against that jerk Lynx. Just in case we haven’t yet gathered that she wants him dead. It’s one of those subtle layers that’s so easy to miss.

The camera pans upward into the night, almost as if it, too, is rolling its eyes. Thankfully, there’s no shooting star. Small favors, I suppose. The next morning, we rejoin Cronabe, Biotch, and Glenn waist-deep in one of the terraces on Water Dragon Isle. That was kind of random, but they could wake up in a Vegas strip club for all I care — I’m just glad that horrible scene is over. The trio heads back to the entrance via the lilypads, only to find that the old fisherman ditched them. I can’t say I blame him. Glenn and Biotch seem rather worried, but at that exact moment, the old dude walks onscreen. Apparently, he had to return to Arni before dark, but he came back to get them. This is fucking fascinating. “Well, since you made it back here, I guess you did what you needed to do? …But you guys look a little gloomy for it to have gone well…” he notes. You can say that again. And I’m not talking about the incident with the dwarves and fairies.

Once back in Arni, Cronabe and the others head over to Opassa Beach to return to Another World. Now that I have the Ice Breath and have finished all those other lame diversionary plot points, I can finally head to Mount Pyre, where Lynx and General Viper have most likely taken over the world or whatever the fuck they were going to do there. Mount Pyre is located on the eastern part of the continent, with a convenient beach nearby. The interior looks like every single lava-filled cave you’ve ever seen in a video game, so I don’t have to waste time describing it. According to the walkthrough I’m using, there are treasure chests located in the lava which become inaccessible once I use the Ice Breath to freeze it. As you may guess, I don’t really care. Hoping that one of the chests doesn’t contain the magical Jesus item that automatically wins the game, I use the Ice Breath. I didn’t go through all that fighting and wankst for nothing.

The monsters in the cave are on steroids and are most likely the descendants of the oversized monsters from Chrono Trigger. This is another reference that only hardcore fans can fanwank. Speaking of losers, the party encounters Solt and Peppor on the next screen. Great. Well, I guess we haven’t had our dose of bumbling hilarity lately, so what the hell. Like every other encounter, Solt and Peppor declare that this time they won’t lose. Uh-huh. They manage to slip in the word “shake” into almost every line as well. Oh, the comedy! It never gets old!

Speaking of classic comedy, it wouldn’t be a Solt/Peppor battle without some more element fuck-ups. And the fact that I just wrote “Solt/Peppor” and “fuck” in the same sentence caused my brain to commit suicide from the ensuing mental image. Anyway, Solt meant to bring along one of those pimped-out Summoning Elements, only a crafty monster managed to gank it from him. This triggers a tutorial on Trap elements. See, if you cast a Trap Element of a particular type, you can steal a high level element of that type if your opponent uses one. This is demonstrated in a “humorous” manner by Solt and Peppor — Solt intends to use the Trap Element just for demonstration purposes, but ends up stealing Peppor’s swank BlackHole element. And he is somehow unable to give it back! And now that Solt has it, it can’t be used until he equips it after the battle! This is truly a knee-slapper, folks. Those wacky, wacky guys.

After Peppor takes literally fifteen seconds to angrily spout, “W-W-W-W-(etc.)HAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?! WHY THE HELL DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO DAMNED STUPID?” — a question I would constantly have to ask any number of video game characters if they actually existed — he proceeds to give Solt the reaming of his life. Not in that way. Oh God, the images again.

After I defeat the two buffoons using the complicated strategy of physical attacks only, they run off screaming like pansies. They’re not dead, so that means that I will be subjected to their “unique” brand of humor in the future. I can hardly wait, and neither can you.

The trio winds around and through the mountain some more until they encounter another screen full of unfrozen magma. Well, this won’t do. The now-frozen room also contains a save point. I can take a hint. A nearby doorway leads to the next screen, where Cronabe and the others end up on a stone walkway above a magma pit. Or what was a magma pit. The camera pans over to show the head and front feet of a rather pissed-off dragon sticking out of the hardened magma. “What is that? It looks stuck,” Glenn duhs. Now, it doesn’t take a lot of brain power to deduce that a) it’s a dragon, since what we can see of it looks like your typical RPG dragon, and b) it’s the freaking Fire Dragon. If Cronabe could speak, he would tell Glenn that he’s dumber than a box of Tiduses. Since he can’t, it’s up to me to do so.

When the camera pans back over to the walkway, a tiny creature carrying a spear jogs over to the group. This dude isn’t a replica of the Fire Dragon, but it’s obvious he is also of the dragon variety, albeit a rather small specimen. He is also creatively named “Mini Dragon.” That must have taken hours of committee meetings to come up with. Like others of his diminutive size, he seems to have something to prove. After eagerly asking Cronabe to fight him, he takes it upon himself to attack anyway. Ass.

The walkthrough I’m using warns that this is a tough battle, particularly with an innate blue person in the party, which I have. However, whoever wrote the guide was either snorting crack rocks or I just rule, because I make Mini Dragon my bitch without much trouble at all. Who’s yo’ daddy? Mini Dragon rather enjoys it, as he compliments Cronabe’s studliness and promises to see him again. A match made in heaven.

Whew. Well, I’ve had about all the boss and pseudo-boss battles I can take for this recap. Which is too bad, because fucking Karsh, Marcy, and ZOAH meet me at the room’s exit. God damn it. Glenn seems surprised to see Karsh there, even though you’d think a five-year-old could predict that the Dragoon Devas might be in the vicinity of General Viper on an important mission. But then, we’ve already established several times this recap that Glenn has the IQ of a retarded gerbil. “Huh? Is that you, Glenn!?” Karsh asks, also in possession of a formidable brain. No, it’s some other guy with greenish hair and a gay headband. Karsh wants to know why Glenn has taken up with “these bozos.” Glenn takes the high road and doesn’t snittily inform Karsh that he’s sick of being treated like dirt, and he’s finally found a man who won’t verbally abuse him. Plus, Cronabe realizes the 70s are over. Instead, Glenn begs Karsh to let them pass because, “I need to see for myself what is happening!” Well, stop the presses and forsake your guard duty because Glenn needs to see what’s happening. Jesus.

Glenn is even willing to quit the dragoons if he can just satisfy his curiosity. “HAH! You call yourself a dragoon!?” Karsh sneers, just like he always used to when he and Glenn were together. Using enough exclamation points to make it into the Konami Hall of Fame, Karsh refuses to let them pass. “THIS WILL BE THE END OF YOU ALL,” Zoah adds. “I don’t care about you, Glenn! And [Cronabe]!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!! I hate your friends, your mom, your dad, your grandma, your grandpa, your great-grandma, your… I HATE THEM ALL!!!!!! I hate you! I despise you! I REALLY, REALLY ABHOR YOU!!!!!!!” Marcy cryptically contributes. Aw, children are so sweet. “Gah hah hah! Looks like she can’t stand you,” Karsh einsteins, all kids-will-be-kids.

This, of course, leads to another God damn boss battle. The walkthrough says to take out ZOAH first because of his assrapingly strong attacks while leaving Karsh for last. Only Karsh happens to do the most damage in this particular battle. But it’s just not as fun to make fun of strategy guide authors when they don’t work for Bradygames and I’m partaking of the fruits of their labor for free, so I can’t be too bitter. The only annoying thing about this battle is when that psychotic bitch Marcy screeches “I hate you!” or one of its variations when she attacks. She reminds me of a creepy Chucky doll. And now you may add “hates children” to the list of my many other sins. It’ll fit nicely next to “holding back women’s lib.”

Karsh is gobsmacked that he lost, never mind that he lost to Cronabe when Cronabe was a lot wussier. So it’s not like he can’t use some pattern recognition here. ZOAH informs Karsh that “it’s time.” Whatever it’s time for, how coincidental that it’s taking place at the exact second Cronabe defeated the trio. What are the chances? Karsh swears revenge before leaving, then Marcy sing-songs “Nah, nah, na-na-nah…!!!” at them. Don’t you just want one of your own?

In this game where everything is drawn out ten times longer than necessary, as soon as Cronabe takes a step forward, freaking Harle appears. “If you proceed any further, zere will be no turning back, non?” she warns. “Even so… You still wish to go, [Cronabe]?” Well, he kind of has to in order to advance the plot, durr. I even get to make one of those pointless choices. Yes, I’ll go forward, stupid choice box. “I see… I won’t stop you,” Harle generously decides. Even though she totally is stopping him by chattering at him. Shut up, Harle. “But… Don’t die…” she requests. I don’t think anything nearly that interesting would happen in this game. Doing her signature mid-air flip, Harle disappears. Thank God.

If there’s a giant robot or something when I walk through that door, I’m going to be pissed. Luckily, there’s just an FMV. And in true game designer fashion, it’s a flashback to the opening FMVs of the game. More accurately, those were flashforwards, so it’s like a flashback to a flashforward. We see the Jenga dragon fortress inside a donut of rock artsily interspersed with shots of Steve lying bleeding on the ground while Cronabe holds a bloody knife and smirks. That’s one way to stop those whiny wank monologues. I approve.

I want to see more shots of Stabbed!Steve, but the game designers insist on showing the fortress from every conceivable angle instead. When we arrive back at the world map, Cronabe and the others are at the fortress — Fort Dragonia, as we now realize. It appears all that other stabbity junk was yet another premonition. Well, crap. When is that going to happen for real?

I’m not exactly in the mood to trudge through Fort Dragonia, so the exciting resolution of this plotline will have to wait until next time. In the meantime, try to keep your anticipation under control. See you in Part 8!