I’m sure it wouldn’t be so bad if, say, I just left everything alone and ran up the stairs. But no. For some reason, I just can’t say no to recruiting Pip the Gay Pokemon, and this is what leads me down the path to pain. Pip sits miraculously unharmed between two big gray objects at the back of the room. When Cronabe stands next to his fluffy white ass and presses the X button, Pip flees to another part of the room, usually someplace where I can’t find him without exploring the entire area thoroughly. This, as you have probably surmised, ends up with me stumbling into battle after battle. Finally I just say “fuck it,” kill off everything in the room (minus Pip, unfortunately), then finish up this fucktarded game of hide-and-seek so I can get another cracked-out character in my party. I mean, I understand his reluctance to encounter Cronabe, the guy whose appetite for killing endangered species has become legendary in these parts (even though Cronabe did set him free). That doesn’t mean that he’s not on my shitlist, though.
When at last Pip’s furry ass is within their grasp…let me rephrase that. When Cronabe finally catches up to Pip, the deceptively cute creature wonders why they don’t leave him alone. But since this is Chrono Cross, he has the uncontrollable urge to give out unnecessary details of his life. “I’m a stowaway. I wanted despewately to see de sea,” he baby talks, adding to his extreme masculinity. Also, I doubt there’s any need to stow away, as the ass pirates would undoubtedly welcome a cute, pink and white fluffy creature into their den of gayness.
In a shocking break from all conventions, Pip the lab animal wants to see the world, since he was denied his freedom by being locked in a cage since birth. Let’s all feel sorry for Pip. Seriously, I might give him a little more sympathy, but my own rabbits are locked in their cage today after one of them had an accident on the floor, so I’m of the mind that Pip was not entirely blameless in his situation. “Can you bwoaden my view of the world?” Pip asks in a way which, if he were a pretty pubescent boy, might create some rather explicit fanfiction scenarios in some circles. As it is, I’m sure there is no one in this world who would possibly get off on such a thing when it involves an animal. Let me stay in my innocent bubble, please.
With a triumphant fanfare, Pip joins the rest of the characters in the Oubliette of Shittiness. To prevent any possible correction e-mails, I will point out that yes, I know of Pip’s Pokemon-esque evolutionary capabilities. If I put him in my party, depending on what colored elements the other characters use, Pip can evolve into Angel Pip or Devil Pip. Kind of like a precursor to Fable, without the gay buttsex and farting. Because I’m about fed up to the gills with an hour of almost-constant battles, I don’t even try to be creative with naming Pip. So he’s just…Pip.
Cronabe ascends the stairs to an upper room that leads outside. To my almost inappropriate delight, there is a save point on the ledge. I must admit — I would not cry if I had to relive the horror of the ghost-infested ship again. But that’s because I would strangle myself to death with the controller cord instead. Yes, I am smart enough to realize that, in this case, the save point signals the third boss battle of this wretched area. No need to burst my bubble, you freaking sadists.
A ladder and some stairs lead up to the deck. Since the trio spent all that time and trouble getting up here, they’re lucky that the source of the problem is, indeed, located right in this spot. I mean, how much would it suck to find out that the big bad boss monster was located in the captain’s quarters or something. Although I’m sure there is a fanfic about that somewhere.
Anyway, the deck is full of ass pirates and floaty ghosts going at it. And I’ve done it again. Of course, I can’t just go straight to the boss battle without fighting some peon battles first. God damn it. Seriously, I’m not gaining any levels or stats from these by now, so why are they forcing me to do this shit? For this particular battle, the floaty ghost is joined by a new friend — a giant insect with a gaping vagina on the front. The nightmares, they are unending.
When the ass pirates bitch about the number of attacking monsters — quite rightfully, I may add — an offscreen Fargay insults their piratehoods. Dick. Some random ass pirate screams at him to watch out. Then something happens. But since it is, as I mentioned, offscreen, we have no idea what. Fargay may have just been crushed by a group of giant dancing dildos for all we know. Whatever happened, the ass pirates beg their former prisoners to help their captain. This is where, if it were me, I would tell them to kindly eat my ass. Heck, they’re gay — it’s not like they’ll take it literally.
Loading ...But Cronabe is nicer than I am, plus he knows that to advance this limp noodle of a plot, he must proceed with the boss battle. So to the front part of the ship we go! As it turns out, no dildos are involved, unless we’re talking the ghostly kind. Two floaty ghosts rub up against Fargay, running their rotting hands all over his muscular form. Fargay shrieks like a little girl over this sexual harrassment, then throws them off. They disappear. Well shit, if it’s that easy for him, then why didn’t he just fight through all those obnoxious battles for me? Fucking Fargay. “ARG!!! Looks like we got a big one comin’!” Fargay shrills, once again bringing to mind the image of a giant phallus. But that’s just because I’m a 12-year-old boy with sexual issues.
The camera angle changes as Fargay crouches down, whining about his arm. See, the game designers know that Fargay has magical ghost-fighting powers, but they don’t want me to actually be able to use said powers to my advantage. So for some reason, they feel like they have to justify Fargay not being in my battle party. As if I’m not already used to them not giving reasons for shit. But whatever.
Fargay tells Cronabe to “take the wheel,” never mind that just about anyone else on the ship would be a million times more qualified. To be fair, I can point this out to Fargay, but in case you didn’t quite get it, I’m kind of anxious to just finish this whole trainwreck. I’m so enigmatic. “Keep yer heads high, mateys! Don’t forget we be pirates aboard the S.S. [Cockmaster]!!!” Fargay screams in excitement. Yeah, Fargay, don’t you forget you stuck me in the hold until such time as you were ready to use me for your pleasure. Jerk.
In the world of Chrono Cross, “taking the wheel” translates to “fighting a battle against the king of the ghosts with no help from any of the pirates on board.” As we head into the battle screen, we see that Cronabe and the gang aren’t steering the ship at all — they’re in battle formation! Fuck, we’re all dead! But never mind those silly logical issues — it’s time to end this completely random ghost infestation.
The battle starts out with several skull spiders which form into a giant bluish-black thing. It sort of looks like Cupil on steroids. To be honest, I was kind of hoping for a big creepy zombie, not some overgrown slug. But I suppose this is one of those rare cases where they throw all those silly clichés in the proverbial garbage in order to crank something out (so to speak) that’s even lamer.
Bizarro!Cupil is a black elemental. Now sit down before you pass out from the shock of an undead monster having an affinity to shadow magic. Cronabe, with his powers of light and goodness, helps this battle to last slightly less than an eternity. Finally, Bizarro!Cupil dissolves into a smoking puddle of black goo. And wonder of wonders, everyone is still alive. Is someone recording this?
Afterward, the ghost ship and all the fog have gone the way of obnoxious Tidus fans on the VGR boards. Fargay makes the briefest of comments to this effect, and then launches into some exposition regarding Mount Pyre. Seriously, there’s no apology over forcing them to battle him, or throwing them in the “dungeon.” Hell, there’s almost no speculation over the meaning of the whole ghost infestation. Surely something such as a ghost ship must have some interesting backstory. I guess we were just supposed to be impressed by the irony of a ship masquerading as a ghost ship getting attacked by a real ghost ship, but honestly, an hour of battles does not help me appreciate anything except perhaps strong liquor. What really happened here is that the game designers had only so much game material related to the main “plot,” so they had to throw in this shit filler. And on some level they know we all know this, so they didn’t bother to explain.
Anyway, it turns out that we’re not going directly to Mount Pyre/Fort Dragonia after all! The shock will dissipate in a moment. Since Mount Pyre, being a mountain of fire, is all fiery and shit, Cronabe needs some protection. Get your minds out of the gutter. The Water Dragon may have more information, since — wait for it — water puts out fire. Whew, I’m glad that Fargay specified the exact dragon, otherwise I might have visited the Plant Dragon first. Of course, we all remember that the Water Dragon Isle has dried up. To add to this ominous piece of information, Fargay mentions that he doesn’t even know if the Water Dragon is still alive. Oh noes! If only there were a place, like maybe another version of this world, where things were slightly different and certain terrible things had not taken place. And if only there were something, some sort of object that could transport Cronabe to this world. Christ. Also, on another note, it’s a good thing that General Viper and Lynx are just sitting in the dungeon with their thumbs up their butts so that Cronabe has the time to do all these other random quests.
I wish I could say the same.
Fargay does give one tiny bit of dialogue to the ghost ship, saying that the sea is getting all mean and evil now, probably because of all the people around. I think he means that in a granola hippie way, but it kind of makes sense that humanoid ghosts are around because of people. I mean, duh. “I never thought I would hear something like this from a pirate,” Glenn sadly says. Fargay follows this statement with a random melodramatic, “In the name of Davy Jones… What have we done…?” As if they’re going around burning down forests and drilling for oil. From this vague and confusing conversation, we can conclude that the ghost ship appeared because humans suck ass. I stand by my original opinion on this “plot point.”
I could just end this recap here, but I have something special for us all. Even though nothing in the plot or dialogue suggested this because no one has any clue what the fuck is going on, I decide to return to Guldove to check on Steve. Okay, I admit it, I just want her dumb Astral Amulet. Her bed, alas, is empty. Oh no! Did Steve die?! Well, that’s what I might say if I cared.
The Lament of Sorrow and Despair plays in the background to indicate that we are all supposed to be touched by this apparent tragedy. Cronabe approaches the empty bed, looking down. He’s either bowing his head in guilty sadness, or examining the bed to see if it might be a nice place to take a short nap. Either way, the amulet’s on the dresser, dumbass. “[Cronabe]…It is not your fault…” Glenn murmurs, secretly glad that Cronabe ditched the broad in order to get him in the party. Before Cronabe can explain that he’s not really all that sad, something totally shocking happens. The camera pans over as a blonde girl in a white nightgown walks into the room. Could it be…? Okay, I’ll stop playing along. Of course it’s the miraculously-recovered Steve. In case we didn’t figure this out on our own since she’s not wearing two red napkins over her naughty bits, her avatar fills us in. Especially since she is wearing her regular outfit in that picture. Whoops, game designers.