At a loss for what to do next, Sandy takes a few moments to throw herself a pity-party in the courtyard. The bitch had better have cake. “It’s no use…there’s nothing we can do…” she whines, as Ruley and Scias watch on awkwardly. “Poor Clay…this is all my fault…” You know, sometimes I find myself experiencing a strange, unnatural feeling — sympathy for Sandy. Then I remember what a sugary, irritating bint she is, and the balance of the universe is restored. Ruley just shrugs when she’s finished her wankologue. I kinda love him in this recap. Sensing that she isn’t going to get the attention she craves on this occasion, Sandy changes tack and suddenly announces that they should all go to Worent, the home of the Worens. She figures that someone from Clay’s hometown should be able to help them. Uh, help them do what, exactly? Storm the castle, or get a visit? It’s not like the Ludian officials are going to change their mind and let them in if they bring his grandma along or something. I get that she’s concerned Clay won’t get a fair trial, but involving his tribe isn’t going to help — if they’re anything like their leader, such a course of action can only add fuel to the fire. Surely there’s some kind of appeal process they can go down if they deem the result of the tribunal to be unfair? I need to stop applying real-world logic to this game.
Yeah, if only he worked out regularly and subsisted on air, like you. You kick that fat bastard into shape, girl!
Well, I have no choice in the matter, so Worent it is. Sandy whispers to Ruley that, even though Scias has been assigned to watch over them, they were never told that they couldn’t leave town. I thought the whole point of being under house arrest was that you couldn’t, you know, LEAVE THE HOUSE, but what do I know? I’m just a recapper borderline alcoholic. Surprisingly (or perhaps not), Scias doesn’t object to this. Maybe he’s drunk, too.
Before leaving town I decide to buy some supplies, particularly antidotes, in case the forest between Ludia and Worent is populated by, say, poisonous flies. Finding the item vendor is easier said than done, however, and I end up speaking to the various moronic NPCs instead. Apart from one hypocritical big-boned lady berating her husband, all of them mention having had strange experiences upon passing through the woods. At first I assume there’s a patch of magic mushrooms (I’m finally starting to think like a game designer), but it soon becomes apparent that the weird events are down to something more…supernatural. Numerous people recall being poked in the eye, having their hair pulled, and even receiving bites from invisible animals. Hands up who thinks our brave heroes will end up passing through the forest without similar incidents befalling them?
All set for their hike through the forest of Wychwood, Ruley and the others make a sudden diversion because the guide I’m using told me to check out a new fishing spot a little to the North. After five fruitless minutes spent casting out, waiting for a bite, attempting to reel in the fish, then seething as the little bastard swims off with my expensive lure, I reach the conclusion that the author of the guide hates me as much as the game designers do. As an aside, I pull up my inventory at this point and discover that I already possessed a veritable haul of 2 Trout, 5 Jellyfish and 4 Piranhas. I can only assume that they somehow got glitched into my item list, given that I suck at fishing like Tidus sucks at life.
Upon entering Wychwood, the first thing that hits me is a random battle against a duo of Nut Archers. Apparently these evasive little shits can be incredibly annoying due to their crit rate and high speed, but I never really get to see what they can do because Scias pretty much cleaves them in two single-handedly. Right then and there, I vow that he will always have a spot in my front-line, along with TikTok and Ruley. The three non-wankers can take care of all the world’s monsters while Clay and Sandy sit in reserve and mope over Elina. I mean, Scias doesn’t say much, but that’s kind of a virtue in this game. Plus, his overall concept is just wonderfully bizarre — a Bushido sheepdog with a drink problem? Awesome. And for once, I’m not using that word sarcastically.
That would be me shooting myself in the head.
After several minutes spent battling Nut Troops and flaming tree trunks — not shitting you here — the group enters the second screen of the forest, Sandy bringing up the rear (kicking someone out of the battle lineup doesn’t exclude them from cutscenes, it appears). She is suddenly stopped in her tracks by a disembodied girlish giggle, which none of the other characters seem to hear. God, if she’s turning schizo, she’ll be even more annoying than usual. Of course, this isn’t the case — the weird giggle is related to the strange experiences reported by the NPCs in Ludia. After listening to his companions trade some cliché “There’s something weird going on here” dialogue, Ruley decides to move onward…but as he and TikTok continue down the path, another creepy giggle precedes an event that almost forces me to re-evaluate my opinion of the game designers — Sandy being shrunk to the size of a cockroach. Seriously, just like that, she turns into fucking Thumbelina. None of her so-called friends witness this, so they just kinda assume she took off and vanished. We get an extreme close-up of the forest floor to establish this, just as Scias finally enters the scene and narrowly misses crushing the newly-miniscule Sandy underfoot. God dammit, Scias, try again. Maybe jump up and down a few times, too.
Pixel-rific!
As the Phantom Shrinker giggles again, TikTok lets rip with some laughter of her own: “Hee hee hee! Did you see that? Sandy disappeared! How amusing!” Okay, if I ever doubted my love for her, I take it back. “D-disappeared? T-that’s not good…” Scias muses. Yes it is. As the other party members wonder whether they should laugh or feign concern, we return to Pixel Cam. Sandy melodramatically sinks to the ground and remarks “W-what happened? Everything’s gotten…” Better? Speaking of which, something even more incredible happens next — a bird flies into view, swoops down, and carries off Sandy in its beak. No, I haven’t been smoking crack — that’s exactly what happens. It’s like all my dreams have come true! Clay is looking at a long stretch in jail, my party is full of bearable people, and Sandy is about to become bird food. Everything I’ve endured up until now — every ounce of meaningless filler, every dumb conversation, every ridiculous plothole…it’s all been worth it. It feels like a black cloud has been lifted.
Of course, Ruley and the others choose to search for Sandy for a while, out of some misguided sense of loyalty. But there’s no way they’ll be able to find a girl the height of a chess piece in a forest of this size, right? Right?! Oh, what’s the use?
Somewhere in the deep reaches of the thick white mist surrounding the forest (read: the solid white background), three sparkly circles appear and start to shimmer. I won’t play dumb here — they’re the ones who are responsible for shrinking Sandy. They also happen to be fairies, and not the ones of the Twink variety. “It worked, just like we planned!” the first fairy chitters to the others. Although their true forms aren’t visible yet, they already have face portraits — I’m not quite sure how that works. The other fairies excitedly propose that they should “do something to the other three” as well. Oh hell naw. You’ve already taken out the trash — don’t target the decent ones too. Luckily, TikTok appears to sense their presence (yet another hint that she isn’t normal), and proceeds to freak them out by staring at them. “But that’s impossible!” the blue-haired fairy cries. “Mortals can’t see us!” Ouch, that blow from the Hint Hammer just caught me right on the temple.
Uh, isn’t that kind of personal, considering you’ve only just met?
During this entire scene, Ruley and Scias just stand around like vegetables, as TikTok follows the sparkly totally-not-visible fairies with her eyes. After a while, she tires of the game and straight-up headbutts one of them out of the sky. Like, ow. The three fairies instantaneously transform into their true forms and start bitching about Ruley being able to see them, apparently due to the “Dragon’s Eye” he possesses. Uh, but he WASN’T able to see them — that was TikTok. Also, I have no fucking idea what the Dragon’s Eye is, and why it hasn’t been mentioned until now. Maybe it’s fairy-speak for his meatus?
Now that they’re “friends”, the fairies set about explaining just what they did to Sandy. When they get to the part about the bird flying off with her, we get to see just where she ended up — in the bird’s nest. The orange-haired fairy recommends that they look out for trees with birds in, then shake them until she falls out. I’m resigned to the fact that I can’t leave the forest without her (believe me, I tried), so I reluctantly set off to do what the fairy suggests. Before long, Ruley locates a suspiciously-solitary tree behind a wall of bushes, and has TikTok bash it with her head. As we return to Pixel Cam, the branch Sandy’s nest is perched on shakes violently, waking Sandy from her unconscious state. As TikTok hits the trunk again, she looks around and tentatively remarks “This is a bird’s…nest?” Just as I’m about to scream at the TV, she goes one step further and exclaims “I’ve shrunk!” Full points for observation!!!
…and then burn it?
Realizing that she’d better try to get back to the ground, she climbs out of the nest and searches for a dangling vine to climb down. Er, has she forgotten the wings on her back? About to begin her arduous descent, she is startled by the sudden reappearance of the bird who so kindly carried her away. The bird — wait for it — drops a caterpillar at her feet. Sandy screams at this, and I can’t exactly blame her, since the bug is as big as she currently is. It transpires that the bird thinks she’s one of its chicks (because of the wings the game designers have currently decided to remember) and is trying to feed her. Because she has to be sickly-sweet even to avians, she’s all “Uh, thanks for your concern, but I don’t really eat bugs”. The bird’s response is to chase her down and initiate a boss battle. No, I am not making this up. It’s there on the tape, so it definitely can’t be dismissed as a hallucination brought on by too much booze. The bird only has one attack — Feeding Time — in which it attempts to nourish Sandy by dropping another huge bug on her head. This, for some unknown reason, puts her into the Confused status. She’s not the only one. After casting her crap-ass wind magic a few times, the bird gets spooked and flies off, leaving behind spoils consisting of a wooden fishing rod and…a “bird drop”. I have no words.
Carrying her newly-won dollop of bird shit, Sandy watches her captor fly away, then says to herself “I appreciate what that bird was trying to do for me…but I’m not about to try eating a bug!” She then wonders aloud how to get down from the tree. Again, USE YOUR FUCKING WINGS. God damn, why are people in this game so stupid?! I would set up a poll on this, but quite frankly, I don’t want to do any more recapping. To wrap this entire sorry scenario up, TikTok bashes the tree again, Sandy falls off the branch, miraculously returns to her usual size mid-freefall, and lands on Ruley in a very suggestive position. So the day wasn’t a complete disappointment for her, then.
God, get a room, you two.
“It appears we have found Sandy,” TikTok declares. It appears she has found Ruley’s dick, too. As Ruley awkwardly pushes her off him, TikTok suggests that they leave the woods before the fairies can get up to any more mischief. Burn the entire forest down, for all I care — those fairies cruelly dangled happiness in my face, then tore it away. I sure hope I never have to help them out with anything!
Finally out of the God-forsaken Wychwood, the group steps back onto the Not!WorldMap and follows the road to Worent. Before entering, though, they make camp so I can save the game and then turn it off because Sandy needs to rest after her ordeal. You know, I was already filled with trepidation about this little field trip, but now I’ve remembered that Clay is apparently the freaking leader of these people, I’m about as enthusiastic about it as a recapper receiving a Facebook friend request from James Arnold Taylor. If Clay was elected head of the tribe, what the hell does that say about the rest of the Worens? I’m starting to come to the realization that everyone in this entire game probably suffered severe head trauma in childhood.
On that note, I’m going to end this recap, simply because I can’t take any more nonsense and stupidity in one sitting — I’m sure you’ll understand. Next time, the party will catch up with Kahn the Crack Addict, be forced to rescue Clay from his predicament, and lose a few years of their lives trying to cross some annoying plains. It can’t get any worse than what I’ve just suffered — can it?