“What do you know about her?!” Clay growls, because he can’t keep his anger in check for more than two minutes. Also, way to threaten a possibly high-ranking official from the nation you’re trespassing in, which also happens to be the traditional enemy of your own country. These guys need to be executed, like, STAT.

Clay takes a few menacing steps towards Yuna, who gestures for him to stay back (or talk to the hand, I can’t quite decide which). “Now now now…don’t get too close, hmm?” he creeps. “You mean Princess Elina, yes?” Yes, Yuna, that’s what they just said. Christ on a bike, even the Imperials are fuckwits. As I claw my own face off, Yuna confirms that Elina was indeed here — what’s more, she “was a very kind person” who said she was “on a goodwill visit to people injured during the war”. Firstly, she sounds almost as sickeningly saccharine as her little sister, and secondly, Yuna’s use of the past tense in reference to her should set off alarm bells for our heroes. I probably don’t need to point out that his suspicious choice of words goes straight over their heads. “However…she is no longer with us,” he finishes ambiguously. Also, creepily. By now, a group of Imperial soldiers has entered the room and blocked the exit. Sandy shakes her head in dismay for about thirty seconds, unable to comprehend that Elina isn’t home and that their entire journey to the Empire has been a colossal waste of time. I know how she feels. “I think it’s about time you were on your way, my Eastern friends,” Yuna leers, hoping Elina won’t scream out at this very moment and give the game away. Just kidding! …Or am I?

…where we were tried for crimes against sanity and placed before a firing squad. The End!

To conclude this incredible letdown of a rescue attempt, we’re treated to a prolonged Black Screen of The Last Six Hours Half Hour Was A Complete Waste Of My Time. As if I hadn’t already suffered enough, I’m now lucky enough to experience something I thought I’d left behind back in Part 3 — Sandy’s wanky diary entries. I must have murdered an entire litter of kittens in a past life to be punished so.

“And so we were captured and sent back to the Alliance…” Sandy writes. I love how we’re not shown how the party was transported back to their own land, given that the Rainbow Gate is apparently closed again and the two nations are separated by “a vast expanse of impenetrable swampland” (a direct quote from the manual). I don’t have the energy to speculate, so I’m just going to say that a wizard did it and move on. “We were chastened by the King of Ludia for acting without permission, and Clay was forced to stand before a tribunal to explain his actions…” she continues, as we see a short scene depicting Clay under house arrest at the top of a windswept tower. It’s raining, too, just to underline the dismal nature of my mood since I turned on the PS2 his predicament. Before we continue, I need to question something — just for a change. So, apparently Lord Yuna arranged for a wizard to spirit the party all the way back to the Eastern continent — that much I understand. Well, I don’t, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg of nonsense, so whatever. What I REALLY don’t understand is why they were taken to Ludia of all places, when none of the characters are from there. Surely Sandy should have been handed over to Wyndia, Clay to his tribe, and TikTok and Ruley God-knows-where? It’s not like Ludia is the capital of the Alliance or anything, as apparently the kingdoms within it have equal status and authority.

And another thing — why the fuck is Clay the only one being forced to stand trial for his actions? I don’t think it’s been established that he was the mastermind behind the entire plan (the guy couldn’t mastermind a fucking bake sale), and I highly doubt he held a gun to Sandy’s head and demanded she accompany him into the heart of enemy territory. If you’ve managed to last this far you’ll know that I’m not exactly Clay’s biggest fan, but this just seems totally unfair.

So many questions, so little sense. And I’m not done yet. Nobody has ever explained why the only people searching for the freaking crown princess of Wyndia are her younger sister and her tiny group of hangers-on. Does the king not care about his other daughter or something? Is the entire Wyndian army just sitting around with their thumbs up their arses? And, come to that, why aren’t the other parties in the Alliance doing anything either? An allegedly-abducted heir to the throne of one of the ruling kingdoms seems like the kind of thing the others should get involved over, given that they’re all supposed to be governing the continent together and this kind of situation could lead to war if left unresolved. Although, having witnessed the (lack of) mental fortitude of multiple prominent characters in this infuriating mess of a storyline, perhaps I should have expected this. I just wish I didn’t have to take a plot-break every five seconds to try to make sense of yet another asinine story detail.

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It’s also just occurred to me that I haven’t been subjected to a single Minitorture for the entire duration of this recap. And, as much as the previous ones made me want to beat myself into game-designer levels of brain damage, right now I would GLADLY play them all over again if it meant I no longer had to put up with the countless plotholes and nonsensical shit that this segment of the game keeps relentlessly throwing at me.

Well, there’s still approximately 43 (!) minutes of footage left, so I might as well get it over with — quite frankly, if I allow myself to take a break, I’ll probably never come back to this recap. *deep breath* I’m halfway through. It’s all downhill from here (in more ways than one). I can do this.

But first, more alcohol. Ah, that’s better. Oh, look, Clay is standing in his cushy chamber-cell, looking despondent, angry and dull, all at the same time. Someone knocks on the door, startling Clay out of his self-pity, before entering the room. It turns out to be some kind of Ludian official, with a beard almost as long as his robes. Maybe he’s been hanging around waiting for stuff to make sense, too. “Chief Clay of the Worens!” he booms, telling Clay that “they” are ready for him. As much as I hope “they” include a judge and executioner, he’s talking about the panel for Clay’s hearing. Which I’m sure is going to be completely fair and impartial.

It certainly feels like it.

Because everything in this game has to be dragged out beyond all reason, another black screen appears, upon which is displayed:

II: The Endless

I’m not sure I even want to know how many chapters we have left, lest I lose all hope. We abruptly cut to a bedchamber elsewhere in Ludia, where Ruley sits alone, apparently staring at a big blue book on the opposite bed. It’s a save point, but it totally looks like his diary. Given his silent hero status, it’s sometimes difficult to read him, but I imagine his latest entry would look something like this:

“Dear Diary. Yesterday sucked. Snuck into the Empire, only to get booted out before I could even buy any souvenirs. Nothing made sense. People were stupid. FML.”

‘No, I often sleep standing up and with my eyes open. Sorry to confuse you!’

Putting his pink Pentel back in his pocket, Ruley stands up and stretches, no doubt mentally steeling himself for the day of wankst that awaits him. Sandy walks up the stairs, stares at him for about ten seconds, then asks if he’s awake. God, she’s like the Shion of observation. “Kind of depressing weather, isn’t it?” she sighs, looking out the window. Hopefully, she’ll be so overcome with depression she’ll throw herself out of it. Ruley just kinda stands there and nods, because a silent hero can’t really do much else. I don’t know about him, but I’m starting to wish ALL the heroes in the game were silent. Sandy wonders if Clay is still being questioned, then suddenly decides that they should go to the castle and attempt to visit him. “If we’re lucky, they should let us see him!” she says hopefully. Yeah, real lucky.

Traipsing downstairs, they run into an unfamiliar person guarding the door. Well, I say “person”, but the individual in question is a talking animal, like everyone else in this universe. In this case, it’s a sheepdog in green robes, who also happens to be one of the best characters in the game. And by “one of the best” I of course mean “One of the few members of the cast who don’t make me want to commit ritual murder”. Same difference in this game. “By the way, this is Scias,” Sandy exposits. “He’s been assigned to watch over us so we don’t run off.” Something tells me his isn’t the most difficult job in the world. I mean, how far would these mental titans even get if they tried to run away?

Ben says he is, too.

Ruley attempts to speak to Scias, who simply says “I’m k-k-keeping watch.” Yep, he has a stutter. In the Japanese version, however, his slurred speech was apparently a result of the fact that he was pretty much permanently intoxicated. This is my kind of character. Aside from the obvious “We must protect the impressionable chyyyyldrun from the evils of alcohol!” issue, I have no idea why this was changed for the Western release. I mean, sticking a random speech impediment on a dog and then calling it a character seems more suited to Chrono Cross than this game.

Even if I never see this guy again, that face will be forever be imprinted on my memory…*shudder*

When the duo tries to leave the building, Scias gets flustered, all “W-w-where are you going? I’ll g-go with you.” And just like that, the coolest guy in the game is mine to command. Why can’t the more annoying members of the party leave it just as quickly? Well, Clay is currently in custody, which I guess is a start. Like every other town in BoFIV, Ludia is an irritating combination of narrow spaces and obstructive camera angles, but before long the party manages to reach the castle. Unsurprisingly, the guards aren’t prepared to let Sandy waltz in and have a coffee with their prisoner. Before she can protest, the creepiest motherfucker I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter in a game shuffles round the corner. Basically, he’s a small, hunched-over old guy with a lizard tail and sunken eyes, who reminds me of an elderly, human-faced Tonberry. He isn’t carrying a knife, but something tells me he doesn’t need to. “Master Clay is the leader of the Woren nation,” he wheezes, hollow eyes firmly fixed on Sandy’s cleavage. “Unlike you, he must be kept under strict guard”. Nope, still not seeing the logic there. Thankfully, after basically telling the party to GTFO and instructing Scias to keep an eye on them, the creepy old guy/lizard slooooowly exits the way he came in. He’s such a minor character that I had to spend fifteen minutes Googling to find out his name (Ilgor, if you cared), which is probably a good thing — this game is giving me enough nightmares already.