In response to this, Marlok pauses to blow his cigarette smoke dangerously close to Clay’s face. “Zere is nozing to tell! Zee Empire asked zee Princess to come to zee capital!” Clay, ticked off at this, suddenly grabs Marlok by the lapels and lifts him into the air. “Why would Elina go there, huh? What reason would she have to go to the heart of the enemy’s country!?” Yes, that’s Clay being short-fused and hotheaded. It’s so out-of-character for him. This time, his avatar changes to show him looking even more angry than usual, and for a moment I think he’s about to spontaneously combust. Now that would make things a little interesting. Maybe then, Crapcom could go with the whole X-Files angle, complete with UFOs and predatory lizard creatures and phantom twins murdering people.

Clay eventually takes a chill pill, putting Marlok down and letting the old slimeball blow smoke in his face again. “You are asking zee wrong person, eh?” Marlok says. “Besides…I am thinking zat you will be wanting my ‘elp in looking for zee princess, no? If zat is so…zen I think you should be a little more polite, eh?” Defeated by all the thinly-veiled-mind-games-passive-aggressive crap, Clay sweatdrops. Why are he and Marlok suddenly the only ones talking here? Granted, I can hardly expect Ruley to burst into conversation, but I expected Sandy to be a little more vocal in her search for information. Marlok blows smoke for the third time, which isn’t getting at all irritating, then reveals that he has a deal for the party. Fade out.

Outside, Clay exposits “So he wants us to go catch some thief, huh?” I guess we missed a huge chunk of the prior conversation, and I don’t know if I’ll ever come to terms with this loss. Clay, bug still up his butt, continues “Merchants! They can’t think about anything but money!” Um, Clay, that’s kinda their job. He continues to rant, leading TikTok to go all googly-eyed and remark “[TikTok] reminds me that we were responsible for the loss of his bodyguard, and she says that it is unrealistic to expect someone like Marlok to provide us with services for no cost.” Yeah, Clay, what she said. It’s only now that I notice Sandy is not with the group – apparently Marlok asked her to stay behind. Bam-chicka-bam. “She’s a princess herself, not a maid! I love her and want her to have my beastman babies!” he shrieks, before finally calming down and staring up at Marlok’s bedroom window.

Marlok’s boudoir. His sleazy theme music still playing in the background, Sandy gives the ceiling a thoughtful glance. “Um…Mr Marlok?” she says hesitantly. “What exactly is it that you, um, want me to do?” God, the poor bitch is so clueless. Marlok, still puffing smoke into the air, replies “Well, until your friends come back with zee items zat were stolen from me, I was thinking zat you could some work [sic] around ‘ere. You know, ‘elp take care of zee ‘ouse…and me.” Marlok gets a twinkle in his eye as we fade out. Meanwhile, I start projectile-vomiting and trying to jab my eyes out with my own thumbs. I mean, Sandy may annoy the ever-loving shit out of me, but not even she deserves this. Maybe Chinese Water Torture, but not this.

Back outside, Clay and the others are STILL jabbering away to each other. They decide to seek out our old friends, those fountains of wisdom the travelling merchants, to get the scoop on this thief they’re now chasing. Not wanting to spend any more time in Synesta than is absolutely necessary, I decide against fishing for clues with the various braindead NPCs in the area, and head straight out onto the Not!WorldMap, where a new road leading to “Hideout” has conveniently appeared. However, the hideout appears to be deserted. At first, I assume that I must be mistaken, but another search of the premises confirms that nobody, thief or otherwise, is at home. Fuck. Resigned to my fate, I head back to the City of Nightmares and talk the talk with a few NPCs. One is surprised at the news that Marlok has been robbed, but calls it “poetic justice”, as Marlok is apparently a thief himself. Huge shocker there. Another reveals that a suspicious-looking individual with a large sack over his shoulder (probably marked “SWAG”) was seen heading to the Eastern Highway.

Off to the Eastern Highway I go. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but sometimes little “?” bubbles pop up on the Not!WorldMap. Pressing the X button when one of them appears takes the party to a battle area, where they can search for a few items or fight lots of random battles. One of these bubbles on the road to the Hideout leads straight to the weaselly-looking thief, who dumbasses “Ho there! Where you folks headed to?” when he catches sight of the party. After some inane conversation, the thief takes off at the mention of Marlok. Unbelievably, none of the party realise that he’s the thief for about a minute afterwards. Fuck, they’re ALL SO DUMB. Also, this random oasis only appears after speaking to a random wanker in a city full of random wankers, and what I assumed would be a shortcut has actually taken up more time and effort than necessary. Another five minutes of my life, gone forever. Fuck you, Crapcom. Sincerly.

We see a quick update on the hawt Sandy/Marlok action, during which the slimeball leers “Hmm…for now, why don’t you rub my shoulders ‘ere, eh?” Someone kill me now. Luckily, we cut back to the main party before anything X-rated occurs. Clay and the others have somehow managed to find their own way back to the Hideout, where I must now endure yet another Minitorture to apprehend the thief. This involves chasing him around the cave, in much the same way as the Chino incident from earlier. This time, though, there are a myriad tunnels and passages for the little shit to scurry down. Clay can block a few of them up by pushing barrels (finally, something he’s good at!) but this is still insanely annoying. Oh, and did I mention that I’m bombarded with random battles throughout the whole thing? However, I manage to catch him before I get the urge to smash the PS2 over my head. It transpires that the thief — punnishly-named Stoll — was in fact only taking back what Marlok and his heavies had forced him to sell for a pitiful price. Dun dun DUN! And there I was, thinking that cad Marlok was an honest, decent pillar of the community. As the group begins the trek back to Synesta, we briefly cut to another Marlok/Sandy scene, in which he asks for a foot massage. Enough already! I’m going to be sick. I think this is supposed to instill the player with a sense of urgency (OMG, will they be able to rescue Sandy before Marlok asks her for a wang massage?) but it only serves to make me reach for a paper bag.

Back in Synesta, there’s some back-and-forth crap between Clay and Marlok. Clay’s all “You didn’t tell us the full story!” and Marlok’s all “No matter how much I pay for it, it’s mine!” and I’m all “Just throwing myself off of a bridge, here”. Unfortunately, this situation shows no signs of being resolved anytime soon, as Marlok sends the party out to do some work “where thinking is not required”. I hope we’re all ready for our new batch of game designers, people! In actuality, he sends them to do some hard labour on a nearby wharf. Christ, there’s so much pointless filler in this recap, it could almost be an episode of WWE Raw. I’m shutting the damn game off if I see an 80 year-old woman giving birth to a jelly hand.

Before heading to the wharf, I get a severe attack of déjà vu as we see EXACTLY THE SAME SCENE from earlier. All that’s changed is the dialogue. Clay is still pissed, TikTok offers some words of wisdom, Clay laments having to leave Sandy behind, and they all look up at the window. EXACTLY THE SAME AS BEFORE. If Crapcom dragged this game out any more, it’d probably snap in two. Blah blah, Marlok and Sandy, back massage, blah blah kthxDIE. Eventually, I can once again leave Synesta and head for the wharf.

At the wharf, lots of burly anthropomorphs are wandering around aimlessly. The head of the workers asks the party to move some barrels and jars in a nearby outhouse. This takes the form of yet another dumb Minitorture, which seems more out of place than Rinoa. A few short minutes later, job done, Ruley reports back to the head worker. But this can’t be over so quickly. No, first there’s another task to perform: loading crates onto a sandflier using a crane, within a strict time limit. Come on, this brings the count to FIVE mandatory Minitortures in the space of an hour. I enjoy the occasional minigame as much as anyone else, but this is just overkill, and comes across as an incredibly contrived attempt at dragging out the filler-laden sections of the game even more. What’s worse is that most of them aren’t remotely fun or enjoyable, unlike, say, Suikoden (not counting TGTSNBN, obviously).

 Loading ...

Anyway, the Minitorture is soon a distant memory. Suddenly, Sandy dashes onscreen, closely followed by Marlok. I’m glad we didn’t actually see all those assorted rubs and massages she gave to him. Marlok praises Ruley for actually doing some work this time, and I procure a straw as the result of my crappy efforts in the crane Minitorture. Apparently, I could have received different items had I performed differently in the task, but come on – do any of you really think I would want to replay any of this hellish hour for the sake of a crappy treasure? After handing over the straw, Marlok advises: “‘Ere–go get something good to eat with zis, eh?” …I really don’t want to know.

In return for their graft, Marlok now allows the party to use his sandflier, in the VIP room, no less. In the classic comic relief moment of the recap, the VIP room turns out to be a large crate on the deck of the sandflier. Oh, this is killing me. Well, this or the alcohol I’ve suddenly started downing in copious amounts. Potato, potahto. As Clay – you guessed it – rants about this terrible travesty, Marlok gently reminds him that they are being smuggled into enemy territory – they can hardly expect silk sheets and ensuite bathrooms. And another thing – Clay, you’re a facepainted drifter, not J.Lo, so lose the fucking ego. As the sandflier drifts further into the desert, we cut back to The Hamlet & Hagrid Show.

“Well, you’re looking a lot better,” Hagrid remarks, checking out Hamlet’s hot ass as he emerges from their bedroom. “Thank you for your caring ministrations, [Hagrid],” Hamlet replies. Heh. Hamlet – who, remember, speaks in Old English – continues that it’s time for him “to quit this place.” Way to go with the dialogue inconsistencies, Crapcom. Hearing this, Hagrid leaps up off of his trunk (hurr hurr), all “[Hamlet]…” Awww, bless his broken heart. Hagrid continues to speak, his pain etched into his face. Or maybe that’s just wrinkles. “I don’t need to know, but tell me this…is he a better lover than me?” Yes, I made the last part up. I’m becoming quite adept at this whole “make up dialogue” shebang now. In reality, the second part of Hagrid’s question is “You were on the run from someone, weren’t you? Does this mean there’s going to be another war?” In response, Hamlet does this weird motion that’s half-nod, half-shaking-of-head. Hagrid, getting into the swing of the conversation despite the fact that Hamlet is clearly uncomfortable discussing it (never an indicator of a healthy relationship) continues that he used to be a soldier, and that now, looking back, war seems so pointless. Hey, it has something in common with most of this game. He blabbers some more, pointing out that the war started by the First Emperor did have some kind of purpose, and this is all OMG SO CLEVER because he doesn’t realise that the First Emperor is the one who shared his bed last night standing right in front of him. Hagrid continues that, although the war originally had a purpose, it went on for so long that everybody forgot what they were fighting for.

In response to all this, Hamlet simply replies “The mortals…they understand not…”, then bids Hagrid farewell. Strangely, Hagrid doesn’t seem to find this comment odd at all. Now in control of the swishy bishie, I nab some Protein from behind Hagrid’s hut (and yes, that was intended to sound dirty) before heading down the winding mountain path. However, a short way down, he’s confronted by our old buddy Rudolph and a legion of Imperial soldiers. Shit. Hamlet’s all “How the hell did you bastards find me?”. Rudolph reveals that, although Hamlet still isn’t fully recovered, he is still a God, or “one of The Endless”. Therefore, the smallest act – such as farting, or speaking his name – “creates a ripple in the world large enough that those sensitive to such things can sense [his] presence immediately.” …Um, can I have that again, please? In English, this time.

Vowing not to let his former lord return to the capital, Rudolph summons a big wacked-out bird to kill him. The ensuing boss battle is won easily, but Hamlet isn’t out of danger just yet. After revealing to Hamlet that his “other half” has only recently been born (now WHO could that be?!) Rudolph commands an identical bird to chase after Hamlet, who has by now mutated into a Non-dragon and flown away. As is prudent to do in such a situation. After quite a thrilling scene (by this game’s standards, at least) the big bird shoots poor Hamlet out of the sky.

…And that’s as good a cliffhanger as you’re likely to get in this game. I know I promised another encounter with Triple H for this recap, but since this damn thing is long enough already, it will have to wait until next time. Hey, you’ll enjoy it all the more for waiting! Join me then as we gain a cool new ally, meet a fairy or two (no, not Twink) and finally discover the meaning of Part 3’s Fucked Up Dream. Yes, for real this time. Until then – stay away from orphans!