A woman in another house (which doubles as an inn) asks if the group got hurt walking around the village. She also says that there is plenty of room to rest, but I decline — the thought of climbing into a bed in a trap-filled village fills me with a sense of terror that only a long car ride with Tidus could equal.
Outside this particular house, we encounter our first trap! I know you’ve all been salivating at the thought of Ruley, Sandy and Clay caught in a nice big bear trap. Or is that just me? Anyway, this particular trap is a weird circular thing which, when stood upon, explodes around Ruley with the force of a small atomic bomb. However, it doesn’t seem to have any visible effect on him. In the real world (yes, hard to believe, I know, but there IS such a place) it would have killed him. But then again, in the real world people don’t run around randomly turning into Non-Dragons and fighting dollops of vomit. Unless they’ve taken something that causes hallucinations, which I believe the entire creative staff of this game have.
A little further away is an outhouse filled with barrels and a ladder leading down, which the party can’t access yet. Unfortunately, one thing they can access is yet another excruciating Minitorture. This one is triggered when I accidentally move Ruley onto another trap — escaping from it requires the frantic mashing of the d-pad. And this is fun and/or entertaining how, exactly? Even the one fucking treasure chest in the area is rigged, as I discover the hard way (fighting three Mimic-like monsters, and gaining a weapon for TikTok). Also, there are many holes around the village, which lead to more chests in an underground cavern (none contain anything particularly interesting). Climbing a ladder leads back into the outhouse, where Clay can push the barrels aside.
Uh…doesn’t this sign DEFEAT THE WHOLE FUCKING PURPOSE of the traps?
At the far side of the village is the Mayor’s Residence. The helpful sign right outside the door says so, but I decide not to talk to him yet, just in case he has the urge to run at me with a landmine or bear trap. A second sign, next to a dog kennel, reads “Feel free to play with the pet”. Unfortunately, the ‘pet’ turns out to be a 6-feet tall bee holding a spear and shield, which I now have to fight (the pet, not the spear and shield). Seriously, what the hell have the Game Designers been smoking? I want some.
After this pointless battle, I find our old friend the ventriloquist. Predictably, she still gives shitty information which a five-year-old could pick up after fighting a few battles. Man, has ANYTHING in this God-forsaken village advanced the plot in any way whatsoever? Hoping to end this madness quickly, I head towards a mountainous path, which appears to lead somewhere interesting. However, the guard standing in front of me, and sign reading “Entry Without Permission of the Mayor is Prohibited!” (no, I don’t get the erratic capitalization either), tells me that this path is, for now, blocked. Ah well…I can just visit the mayor and ask him to let me through, right?
Wrong. The party hasn’t taken two steps inside his house before a huge cage falls on top of them. Shit. Suddenly, they’re alerted by an evil-looking green parrot. Now, take some deep breaths before you continue. Really, please do. The dialogue in the next few paragraphs will be complete gibberish to you, unless you’re a fan of Steve Irwin. That’s right, SteveIrwin!Parrot has entered the building.
“Whoa! Gotcha! Gotcha good!” it squawks as the party look on in a mixture of amusement, bewilderment, and unadulterated horror. I should take the time to mention that Australian animals are becoming a series trademark; in Breath of Fire III, for instance, there is an evil pink Steve Irwin dolphin. I shit you not.
Moving on…our insipid heroes emerge back outside the mayor’s house, where a handy message tells me that the door is trapped, and I’ll have to find another way inside. No shit. I really hate these messages that keep popping up at strange, unnecessary periods, because they remind me of trying to write recaps in Microsoft Word while being distracted by that stupid fucking Clippit every ten seconds. Oops, that was a big tangent. Aaaaaaaanyway….right now, it would be easy for a first-time gamer to not know what the hell to do next. Since I’ve played the game multiple times, however, I know that the only way back into the mayor’s house is to fall down one of the holes I mentioned earlier, and find a ladder that leads up through a trapdoor into the mayor’s living room. ::takes breath:: Now I have to talkto the evil fucking SteveIrwin!Parrot:
“Drop-in’s, bonza! How’s about a flutter?” For the record, I have yet to meet one Australian who actually talks like that. Then again, I haven’t spoken to many Australians. The parrot from Hell continues: “Can’t do it, mate. Time’s a-wasting!” This is really confusing, as the parrot appears to be having a conversation with itself:
“Got him, yes!”
“What?”
“No good, mate, but you sure put in the big ones!”
…I’m not sure I even want a translation of that. I now have to ‘reply’ with a series of correct answers to proceed, and end this annoying and completely pointless conversation: answering “We really have no time for this”, “No”, “No”, and “Not really” persuades the SteveIrwin!Parrot to reveal that the mayor is:
“In the woods out back west. You want a chat, that’s the ticket.” I run outside quickly, feeling like my soul has just been sucked out with a straw. Seriously…WHAT THE FUCK was that?! I know that most of the events in this game are pointless at the best of times, but that scene is beyond inane.
Crikey! What a beeeeuwdy!
Anyway, at least it’s over…but this recap isn’t. So, I head “out back west” to the woods, hoping to find the mayor without having to do any of the following:
1: Play any Minitortures
2: Have a pointless conversation
3: Meet any more SteveIrwin!Parrots
The forest is one of the most boring dungeons in the entire game. The only interesting points to note are that TikTok can headbutt a tree to obtain an unlimited supply of Apples….and there are TRAPS! Yes, the mayor’s insanity has spread from Kyria to the surrounding area. Yay.
A guy by the entrance says “I said you can’t come in…” Obviously, this assumes that the player has already been to the forest before speaking to the SteveIrwin!Parrot in Kyria. Whoops, Game Designers. Apparently, in the BoF Bizarro World, speaking to a spastic, Australian parrot is some form of authorisation, as the random guy decides to let the team inside the forest this time. He basically says that the mayor decided to come to the woods to get rid of the wild animals who had recently moved here. No good at hunting, laid too many traps, got lost, blah blah blah. It serves the bastard right. As we listen to/read this exposition, the camera-with-a-life-of-its-own follows a weird hog-faced, two-legged creature around a part of the forest filled with assorted traps. Miraculously, the animal doesn’t fall into any of them. The guy guarding the forest tells Ruley to put apples on top of tree stumps to lure the animal out, who will then lead the party back to its lair, where the assholic mayor presumably is.
“But…be careful…” he finishes. “There are lots of traps in the woods.” For the love of God, we get it. After about ten minutes of wandering around and avoiding the dreaded traps, I find an ideal tree stump. Placing an apple on it does indeed lure out the weird hog creature. However, it spots Ruley and runs away. ::sigh:: You know what time it is, right? Minitorture Time!!! This time, I have to follow the rapidly-fading tracks of the animal around the forest. To make it even more difficult, I can still be caught up in the traps. Also, the tracks don’t run in a straight line. No, they go around corners, over bridges, around more corners, down slopes, and into the trees, for full controller-grawing effect. Actually, this is quite fun (GASP!) and, even more amazingly, I manage to do it on my first try.
Loading ...Finally, via a waterfall and a river, I emerge in a peaceful glade. The mayor of Kyria is there, but, rather than showing gratitude for being rescued, he tells the party to shut up. Charming. He’s trying to catch the hog creature in a trap. The poor animal walks straight into the explosive trap before running away into the undergrowth. The mayor gloats about this.
“Ha ha ha! That’s what you get, you dumb furball! How’d you get so stupid, anyway? Run in the family?” What a bastard. Unluckily for him, the ‘family’ turns out to be an 8-times-bigger version of the animal. Oops. My hopes of the mayor being torn to shreds are dashed when the Boss Battle music kicks in and I realise that I have to fight the damn thing.
After a standard battle, the creature dies. At least, I assume it does; when the battle ends, it’s just disappeared. The mayor thanks the party and gloats some more, because you know slaughtering innocent animals trying to protect their young is just so TEH C00L. He asks Ruley and the others to head back to the village if they want to talk.
Remember when, back at the end of my last recap, I told you we might uncover the mystery of that weird dream? Well, I lied. That issue will be addressed in the next recap, along with Synesta, City of Nightmare Camera Angles. We’ll also re-acquaint ourselves with Triple H and his big nose. Crikey! Until then, have a bonza time, mates!