TikTok explains that, as long as the zombie fish stays down in the mist, they should be safe. Why do I get the feeling that she’s wrong (apart from the scary luminous fish eyes gleaming in the darkness)? You’ll find out very soon…in the next paragraph, in fact.
After a few moments, I pass a red flag like the ones on the beach. In this case, however, instead of warning kiddies about the high tides, the flag warns a gang of wankers about a huge zombie fish lurking in the depths. As soon as Ruley takes a few steps further, some “Crap! A huge zombie fish!” music plays as the zombie fish leaps out of the darkness and begins to chase the party. Naturally, TikTok and Sandy abandon Ruley to fend for himself, because he’s the strong manly hero and they’re the helpless females. Or maybe they’re just a pair of chicken-shits who high-tail it at the first sign of any danger.
Now I must rapidly mash the circle button to outrun the fish. Thanks to my rapid fire joypad M4D G4M0R SK1LLZ, I manage to avoid becoming fish food. However, we’re not out of the hex yet, as the zombie fish attacks. Boss battle alert!
Although not as mind-numbingly feeble as Scrap Metal, the zombie fish is certainly no challenge. For once, Sandy’s lame healing magic comes in handy, as it damages the fish. Ruley makes use of his Non-dragon transformation (for some reason called “Meditate”), which gives us a nice anime-style still of a particularly constipated-looking Ruley about to turn into a Non-dragon.
Ruley, you really should try Senna for that.
This particular Non-dragon looks even less dragon-like than the multitude of Non-dragons we’ve met already; in fact, the new and improved Ruley looks more like a white-haired devil wearing facepaint. Believe me, this is even more crack-induced than it sounds.
Unfortunately, Ruley’s crappy magic act consumes a set amount of AP at the end of each turn, even if you decide not to use any skills. This means that Ruley’s Non-dragon powers are at my disposal for the grand total of two turns before he regresses back to the blue-haired wanker we know and hate. Eventually, the zombie fish keels over and expires, rewarding me with a Fish-head. How thoughtful.
After this thrilling battle (except not), Sandy squeaks “This hex…it’s horrible, isn’t it?” What the fuck did the moron expect? A walk in the park? If she wanted cakes and teddy bears and dollies, she should have stayed in her fucking castle. Maybe then I could have dropped a nuke on top of it, wiping out Sandy and her pathetic relatives — let’s face it, stupidity probably runs in that family.
Ahem.
TikTok responds by declaring “It was humans who created the hex. TikTok says that you get what you deserve.” What, TikTok isn’t human? For the love of God, it’s Huge Fucking Clue #5 that SHE. IS. NOT. NORMAL!!!! I swear, if this plot point could be rammed down my throat any more vigorously, I’d have choked to death by now.
Dear God, I just had the most horrific mental image. We know that TikTok hides inside her robot armour. Imagine if she discarded said armour to reveal….a clone of Sandy. It’s just too terrible to comprehend. If that scenario were to take place, I’d probably jump inside TikTok’s armour just to escape from them both.
Back to the game, and we’re finally out of that stupid hex. It seems that we’ve emerged on the far side of Chamba. I’m just glad I never again have to enter the Southern side of town and endure the NPC Obstacle Course of Doom. “TikTok says she wishes to accompany that man”, says TikTok as Ruley appears onscreen. Apparently, she has a thing for men with no genitalia. Oops, there I go mentioning penises again. Sandy asks TikTok if she is referring to Ruley. God, she’s such a dumbass. How many other men are on screen right now? Unless Sandy has something to hide, of course…like a twelve-inch howitzer. Okay, I really must stop with the penis references. Sandy looks all sad and rejected because someone else wants to run their fingers through Ruley’s oh-so-blue-and-perfect hair. I like TikTok.
Eventually, this conversation ends, and I emerge back on the World Map, where a new road leading to the Sandflier crash site has appeared. Isn’t it wonderful how these new roads keep springing up when I need them the most? Maybe a group of Plot Advancement Roadlayers wait outside towns for Ruley to come out.
Back at the crash site, Clay is lying on the ground, his long, thick tail moving up and down. God, now I don’t even have to try to make things sound dirty. I guess now I’m a true VGRecapper. Go me! Anyway, Clay appears delighted to see Sandy (he must have some kind of mental disorder), crying “I was beginning to worry something had happened!” Well, apart from being hounded by a wanky general, chased to a town full of braindead NPCs, teaming up with a walking trashcan, wading through a hex, and being forced to fight a mutant zombie fish, everything’s fine and dandy, Clay. But thanks for asking.
We can gather that one of these hapless morons explains the situation to Clay, as the screen fades out. Fade back in on a night-time campfire scene. We can tell that it’s night from the chirping crickets and darkened screen. Sandy explains to Clay that she and Ruley were unable to find the Sandflier parts they needed. I guess the ones they dug up in Sandflier Valley weren’t good enough…or maybe the game designers are being inconsistent again. No bets on the one I’m going with.
Suddenly, TikTok declares, out of the blue, that the Sandflier was attacked by a Non-dragon. Um, thanks for the info, TikTok, but we, like already knew that. More important is the fact that TikTok herself knew that, when she didn’t join the party until two recaps after the crash. I’m not even going to say it this time, but suffice to say what I intended to type involved TikTok, NOT BEING NORMAL!!!!, and Big Fucking Clue #6. Not in that order.
Loading ...Clay thanks Ruley and TikTok for taking care of Sandy, because we all know she has the brain capacity of a five-year old and can’t even tie her shoelaces without help. The entire party soon falls asleep, and for that I am glad. I’d be even gladder if they didn’t wake up.
Apparently, Sandy didn’t fall asleep immediately, as we see a nice shot of the night sky which is suddenly ruined by the pseudo-wanky-diary-entry text running across it: “That night…I had a dream.” This is…so fucking lame.
Some weird blurry green light fills the screen, accompanied by weird muffled groaning noises (that’s the only way I can describe them). The light gradually fades, and we fade in on the exit of an underground tunnel submerged in a pool. The camera lingers on this tunnel for a good 30 seconds, so we can safely assume it will be Very Important later. The camera pans up to show Sandy, Clay and Ruley standing at the side of the pool inside a prison-type room. Just in case we couldn’t figure out that the wankers entered the room via the underwater tunnel, they all start shaking their wet heads like dogs. I’m just thankful that the water didn’t make Sandy’s dress transparent.
“This is the place they’re holding Elina!” Cray yells, smacking his fists together to show us that he’s so strong and macho. So, apparently this place is in the Empire. Doesn’t Triple H work for the Empire? I wonder if he’ll show up in this recap. Of course, he won’t, but I’m trying to be all suspenseful and mysterious. “It’s just like Ruley’s dream showed us!” replies Sandy. WTF? Now I’m confused. So they’re in a dream…talking about another dream? This will be explained later, but right now it hurts my brain.
The Nice Sweet Dream music is somewhat spoiled by the plethora of torture instruments along one wall of the room. Some chains and manacles on a desk are accompanied by a creepy-looking iron coffin thing standing against the wall. It looks very painful. I think I can last until the end of this recap by visualising Sandy inside the iron coffin.
These instruments of torture make me wonder if Triple H has an S+M fetish. I now lose my lunch, and the tiny shred of sanity I’ve been clinging on to for the duration of this recap. I move through the area, entering numerous random battles. There’s nothing interesting to note about them, apart from the fact that the generic battle music has been replaced by Hamlet’s funky oriental-sounding one. This may be another clue that we’re in the Empire…however, I choose to believe that the game designers finally realised the original battle theme was crap. Oh, and Clay fights with his big, thick log. Seriously. I bet the chicks really dig that.
Eventually I emerge in what appears to be a throne room. Well, the big-ass throne in the centre of the room is kind of a giveaway. A huge velvety curtain runs behind the throne. Clay hisses “Somebody’s coming!” Due to the fact that Sandy and Ruley are hidden from sight when he says this, I get another disturbing mental image. Thanks, Clay. Some double doors at the far end of the room swing open to reveal two unnaturally tall robed men. They look somewhat creepy. The guy in the purple robe asks “What then is the status of the sacrifice?” “It continues to…grow, Lord Yuna” replies the other Unnaturally Tall Guy. Yuna? And he’s a guy. Thankfully, this Yuna isn’t an angsty, whiny, giggling female magic user. No, we already have one of those in this game.
After Yuna and the other Unnaturally Tall Guy have been in the room for about ten minutes, Clay finally tells the party to hide behind the curtain. Gee, you don’t think they’ve been spotted, do you? Unfortunately, we don’t find out, as the dream abruptly ends, just like this recap.
Next time I decide to torture myself again, we’ll head to a dam and meet the Mud Dragon. And maybe we’ll unravel the wankery mystery of the Confusing Dream. The rest of the game will still make little sense, however. I know you can’t wait.