Maybe now I’ll finally be able to recap something relating to this game’s minor detail – plot.
I come across the infamous merchant from earlier telling another patron about a ‘giant monster’ he saw at the bottom of a pit. Hmm, could this be the same pit as the one where Sandy found Ruley? Surely not. And I wonder if this ‘giant monster’ will be somehow linked to Ruley. It’s just a hunch. It’s not like the Game Designers would tip a bucket of bad exposition over our heads rather than develop the story naturally…is it?

(Note: This is the ‘short’ version of the next few events. If you want to share my pain by reading the full account of the L0ngezt feTch Quest eva!!!!111, go right ahead. Don’t say I didn’t try to stop you. Play minigame with old guy. Old guy tells me to find the information broker. Meet up with Sandy. Go find information broker. Get the information. Go out into desert and find travelling merchant. Get password. Take password back to tavern and give it to the bartender. Go into back of bar and get told to go to Sandflier Valley. Go to Sandflier Valley and find the Sandflier parts. Return to Sarai. So, that was the condensed version of events. Unless you want to torture yourself, skip to the last few paragraphs of the recap.)

I see an old guy with glasses eating what appears to be raw meat (ew), and speak to him, whereupon he tells me where to find some Sandflier parts. Woohoo! Finally.

Alas! First I must play the first of many ‘fun’ minigames. Needless to say, they’re so ‘fun’ that I’d rather watch reruns of The Waltons while sliding down a 10ft razor blade using my balls as brakes. Yup, they’re really ‘fun’. In this case, I have to buy the old man food and drink and increase his ‘happy’ meter. Wait! There’s more! While trying to increase his ‘happy’ meter, I have to make sure that the ‘food’ meter doesn’t get overly higher than the ‘drink’ meter, and vice-versa. This is so tedious. Oh, and did I mention that you have to pay for the food and drink you give him? My ‘annoyance’ meter rockets off the chart at this point.

After this ‘fun’ interlude, the old man tells me to find the information broker in front of the inn. So, in other words, the last five minutes were a complete waste of time. Kinda like the rest of the game.

On my way to the inn, I notice Sandy talking to the creepy monkey dude. She happily lisps “Ruley…this person says that if we give him money…” What the hell? I really, really don’t want to hear her next sentence if she says what I think she will. That kind of thing should happen behind closed doors, or down one of those alleys. Fortunately, she only says “He’ll buy us the parts we need for our Sandflier!” God, she’s so gullible she probably thinks there’s a way to revive Aeris (I can just hear the typing of millions of deluded FFVII fanboys everywhere – “HaY u siad teh Aarois c4nt b resewerecttid!!!111 u hav 2 g0 undrw4tr w1th teh wh1t3 ch0kjb0 adn fite teh S4pph1r3 W3PN!!!1111”). Luckily for her purse, Ruley cunningly (or just by using plain common sense) realises that Sandy’s being played for a fool (not that it’s a particularly difficult task), and tells her that he already found the parts that they need. Hearing this, Sandy politely tells the monkey crook that she has found help elsewhere. God, pass me the sick-bag. Sandy’s so sickeningly saccharine that she’s even courteous to criminals. Please ignore the sack-load of alliteration in the last sentence.
Of course, Ruley hasn’t found the parts they need – yet – but said this as an excuse to drag Sandy away from the creepy monkey man. Predictably, Sandy doesn’t understand this terribly complicated stuff until Ruley explains it to her (we don’t actually hear him, of course). God, I hate her more with every passing minute.

Now Sandy rejoins the party. Oh goody. I can hardly hide my excitement. I now go to find the elusive information broker. Upon asking for his help, he tells me that I’ll need to pay for his information. Yippee, another minigame already. Jesus Christ, this game has more minigames than all four Mario Party games put together. Now I have to estimate the amount that the information broker wants. Through divine intervention, a.k.a Strategy Guide, I choose the right amount (around 120 zenny) on my first try. Now the moron tells us that “There’s a man who sells parts behind the tavern.” Hmm, there are several people selling things behind pubs near to where I live, but I’m certain that they ain’t flogging Sandflier parts. Their own parts, maybe. Apparently, we’ll need to learn the password before we can speak to this guy, and, naturally, the only people who know said password are travelling merchants. Go figure.

So, back onto the World Map. It doesn’t take me long to come across a ‘?’ location, which I enter to find a travelling merchant (from what I’ve played of the game so far, merchants have more importance to the ‘plot’ than the so-called main characters). He promptly blurts out the oh-so-secret password to a bunch of strangers he’s never met before. Hello? Do all babies in the Breath of Fire world have their brains removed at birth? I’m beginning to think that I’d rather have my brain taken out than play any more of this inane tripe. And another thing. I absolutely hate the way that the game keeps using red and blue writing, as if we’re pre-school retards who spend 18 hours a day watching Yu-gi-oh, or however the hell it’s spelled. This is almost as bad as FFVIII.

If ever there was a hybrid of a Mary Sue and a valley girl…

So, after learning the not-so-sacred password (we never actually find out what it is), I trek back to Sarai and head for the tavern. I speak to the guy behind the counter, who beckons me behind the bar. Maybe he’s going to offer me some cut-price porn flicks, or maybe he’s just going to tell me how to get the parts I want (sandflier parts, people! Geez, do you have to take everything in the dirtiest way possible? Wait, that last sentence sounds even dirtier. I’ll shut up now). It turns out that there’s a shady group of gangsters living in a room behind the bar. They tell me that, you know, Sandflier trading is a dangerous business. It can’t be as dangerous as walking on top of a cliff with Sandy for company, that’s for sure.

After a few more moments of brain-numbing dialogue, during which I learn that Sandflier parts, fittingly enough, can be found in Sandflier Valley, Ruley and Sandy go on their merry way. Back on the World Map, I get lost trying to find Sandflier Valley and end up at a Fishing Spot instead. Fortunately, I bought a rod in Sarai. Unfortunately, I suck at fishing. It’s just my luck that I completely blow at the one minigame in this game that is any fun at all. Resigned to defeat, I return to the World Map and eventually find my real destination.

Sandflier Valley is a barren stretch of desert walled by sand dunes, with all manner of scrap metal and – of course – Sandflier parts liberally scattered across the landscape. Sandy says that they’re sure to find the parts they need here. She’s also secretly hoping that she’ll find something battery operated buried somewhere. As a dungeon, Sandflier Valley isn’t bad – if, of course, you don’t count the annoying camera angles, confusing landscape, and random battles every three steps with weak-ass Goos that can now even be killed with one hit from Sandy, of all people. God. When a naïve princess in a blue dress can vanquish you with one dainty flick of her wand, you know it’s time to hit the weights. Either that or kill yourself.

Around the valley lie huge heaped metal tubes, which can be climbed to access treasure. These just serve to bring back memories of FFVII and that fucking annoying scrapyard/playground area. For fuck’s sake, even the dungeons are being copied from other games. At least this game doesn’t have FFVII’s atrocious translation, or we’d be hearing things like “that girl are an airhead”. The chests that I spend half an hour trying to reach, unfortunately, are full of absolutely shitty treasure. In one chest, however, I find some Aurum. To me, this sounds eerily like ‘Auron’, but, sadly, this chunk of rock doesn’t wear a red robe or carry a kickass sword. Auron joining my party sure would have made this game a lot more bearable. Maybe he would’ve used the Murasame on Sandy, and put an end to my pain once and for all.