Just before I reach Sarai, I’m stopped by another exclamation point. For cripes sakes, Sarai is harder to reach than Atlantis. This time, we see Sandy and Ruley walking along a cliff. The ledges are very narrow, and, being a cliff, it looks like it’s a long way down. Along the way, I get into more random battles with goos and Caps (stoned-looking birds). What fun. I discover that you can learn new abilities by Guarding and hoping that an enemy will use an acquirable skill on you. Unfortunately, right now this seems pretty useless, as the only skills I can learn are the crappy Distracted skill (which is as useful as it sounds – in other words, completely useless), and the not-so-crappy Burn. I cast the latter on Sandy and watch in evil glee as her hit points rapidly deplete.

Ahem. As I valiantly march onwards, negotiating the annoying twisting cliff paths, I cross a bridge with ropes about as strong as Rinoa’s legs and planks which are so narrow that there’s more wood in a splinter. It’s a good job that Ruley isn’t afraid of heights. It’s here that I accidentally press the Triangle button and discover that each character has their own special ‘action’. No jokes about Sandy’s ‘action’ involving her getting down on her knees, please. Ruley’s action is a nifty sword slash, whereas Sandy’s is predictably useless. She floats up into the air, giving you a bird’s eye view of your immediate surroundings. Unfortunately, it’s crap – you can only see about three paces further than if you had been on the ground. Well, I guess it’s fitting that the crappiest character should be blessed with the crappiest action.

Further along the cliff, I come across a gap in the path. Gasp! What am I to do? However, to my relief (ha) I discover that I can jump across small gaps by pressing X when I see an orange arrow. I think this was supposed to be a really innovative feature, and I suppose it would have been if 15 other RPGs hadn’t implemented the same feature five years ago. There is another gap a little further along. Sandy, stating the obvious, bleats “It looks like we’ve run out of road!” Yes, and it looks like your dressmakers ran out of material about six inches short. Once again, I clear the gap. Just in case we didn’t grasp the fact that we’re on top of a cliff, Sandy says “Good thing you were able to jump – we’re really high up!” I wish she would jump off to demonstrate just how high we are.

I think we can safely assume that this face won’t be gracing the cover of ‘Vogue’ anytime soon.

My wish is granted! Well, sort of. The ground beneath Sandy crumbles, taking her down with it. Ever the hero, and despite only knowing Sandy for five minutes, Ruley jumps off the cliff after her. Um, if someone fell off a cliff, I’d be bright enough to realise that I’d die with them if I followed them down willingly. Ruley passes Sandy – who is floating – halfway down, then, breaking every rule of science and common sense, lands at the bottom of the cliff without a scratch. Oh, please! This is impossible even by RPG standards. That had to be a drop of at least 100 feet. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. Rubbing salt into Ruley’s wounds (or lack thereof) Sandy floats gracefully down and lands beside him. As she asks if Ruley’s okay, Sandy’s face portrait changes, making her look really bug-eyed and ugly, although I think her expression is supposed to be ‘concerned’.

“Oh…I didn’t tell you about my wings!” she titters blithely, making me want to leap through the TV screen and throttle her. Can Sandy get any more stupid? Why didn’t she tell Ruley about her wings when they first started walking ON TOP OF A CLIFF?! Having said that, though, it’d be impossible for Ruley not to have noticed her fucking wings. Did he think they were just fashion accessories or ornaments for her little blue dress? Anyway, the sun goes down and Sandy thanks Ruley for risking his life to save her when she didn’t need saving. My patented Mary Sue Sensitivity Device can feel a moment coming on. The sappy romantic music even begins to play. Sandy remarks that they should find somewhere to sleep, after sucking up to Ruley some more while trying to hide her Sycophants Society membership card.

I find a conveniently-placed cave. We see Ruley and Sandy sitting around a blazing campfire. Sandy is wearing a blanket to cover up her legs. I don’t blame her – when she sits down, that dress probably rides up so high that she can use it as a scarf. After an inane conversation, which wastes another five minutes of my life, they settle down to sleep. Not with each other, of course. Not yet. And, hopefully, not ever.

The scene switches. Now we see an old temple, the floor of which opens up, filling the screen with light as we hear the Star Trek ‘beam me up’ noise. Ah, so the characters aren’t the only things to be re-used — sound effects are recycled, too. It’s nice to see Capcom doing their bit for the environment. Something that looks like a deformed dog climbs out of the hole, followed by the guy with white hair from the intro. Some ominous oriental music plays as White Hair says “So…the time hath come.”

It becomes apparent that White Hair speaks primarily in Old English, bringing back bad memories of Shakespeare in English Literature classes at school. White Hair (hereafter referred to as Hamlet) speaks to his deformed pet (which is about two feet taller than Hamlet himself) some more, before Fido says “T’would appear that something is amiss. Where art the courtiers? The priests?” Ah, t’would appear that Hamlet is someone pretty important…or used to be. Hamlet replies “T’is not of import. They art mortals.”

Aha, so Hamlet is immortal. I like the way in which we’re being steadily drip-fed tidbits of information. Actually, who am I kidding? I hate it. Hamlet asks Fido if he can feel the presence, whatever that is. He cries “Fido! Guard our place of rest!” Of course, Fido isn’t the deformed dog’s real name, but it fits him better than ‘Won-qu’. What is it with these ancient beings? Is it a rule that all of them must have a name comprised of two syllables linked by a hyphen? Let’s see, so far we have ‘Fou-Lu’ (Hamlet’s real name), ‘Won-qu’ and ‘Mary-Sue’. Oh, wait, that’s just Sandy.

Now I’m controlling Hamlet, who’s on a much higher level than Ruley and co. Go me!

I emerge in a forest and spy two guards. In typical guard fashion, one cries “Who goes there?” Hamlet replies “What…what be ye doing in this place?” This particular sentence makes him sound Scottish, if anything. I should have called him Macbeth, but never mind. One of the guards puts the Exposition Helmet on and reveals “They say a dragon or something’s supposed to appear tonight…not just any dragon, either! They say it’s the legendary Dragon of Doom, which will bring ruin to the empire.”

‘Dragon of Doom’? Ooh, that’s scary. About as scary as my six-year old cousin’s Halloween costume. Seriously, is that the most imaginative name they could come up with? ‘Dragon of Doom’ is the kind of thing I’d expect to see in a NES game. Or Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest. It’s hard to say which is worse.

“Whoa! I just dreamed I was stuck in a cave with a Mary Sue- oh, wait.”

Anyway, Exposition Guard goes on to say that when the Dragon of Doom appears, they will destroy it. Big mistake! Hamlet whispers “Thou art but mere mortals. They are to thee as thou art to an insect. They are gods” before, just like in the intro, summoning something from a ball of light in his palm. This time it’s a Non-Dragon, which makes dragon noises for a while before blasting the guards with 1997 graphical effects. The screen whites out for the millionth time in the game, and we see Ruley, who jolts awake. Then we go back to Hamlet. WTF? That was utterly pointless. Unless, of course, the Plot Point Mallet was trying to gently tell us that Ruley and Hamlet are somehow linked. It makes a change from having plot points shoved down our throats, anyway.

“Mom, I didn’t mean to light the match, I swear!”

Now the ground where the guards were standing is charred, and I’m controlling Hamlet again. I make my way through the annoying forest, which is filled with spiky plants that injure me when stepped on. Needless to say, I get pricked countless times. Go to hell, Capcom, and those of you who took that last sentence the wrong way. Finally, Hamlet stops. Just ahead is an area of darkness, in which something is crouching. The something, who turns out to be a ‘human’ with the reddest nose I’ve ever seen, makes the darkness recede, then says “Pardon my presumption, but I believe you are the God Emperor Hamlet…yes?” For some reason, Hamlet takes offence to this and fires a magic bolt at the man (Rudolph the red-nosed retard), which Rudolph dodges easily. Rudolph now summons a monster to battle Hamlet.

Even though this is a boss battle, I win easily, because Hamlet is da bomb in battle. Afterwards, Hamlet and Rudolph chat for a while until Rudolph calls more guards (it turns out that the Exposition Guards were his) to attack Hamlet, who has by now escaped through a gap in the trees. Rudolph commands his soldiers to set fire to the trees. We cut to Hamlet in another part of the forest, where, literally two seconds later, almost every tree is ablaze. I find my way around the forest, dodging falling trees, until I emerge by a rope bridge over a chasm. Unfortunately we can’t make out just what is below or around the bridge, as there is just blackness. Maybe this was to emphasise how dark the forest is, or maybe the graphic designers just got lazy. Which do you think?

Rudolph appears again, and, after more boring dialogue, he takes Hamlet by surprise with magic, sending him off the rope bridge, ‘to his death’. Yeah, right. If Retarded Ruley can survive a 100ft fall, so can the God Emperor. Rudolph commands his lackeys to find the body. Do you really think Hamlet is dead? Maybe we’ll find out next time. Or maybe not.

Well, that’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed this recap just as much as I haven’t enjoyed playing the game (just kidding, Capcom). Maybe next time we’ll finally reach Sarai, but don’t hold your breath.