Suddenly, Nina points again, this time at something we can’t see yet. We see a different camera angle as some deserty pipe music plays (Wait, Game Designers! I said pipe music, not crack pipe. Sorry to disappoint you) and we are shown the Sandflier…well, sandflying, towards us. There’s a crappy mirage effect that only serves to make the Sandflier look as though its pilot is retarded…looking at Clay, I have to agree on this point. The screen fades out and we see some sparkly light effects along with:

I: Awakening.

We return to Clay and Nina aboard the Sandflier. Um, that was pretty pointless. Besides, how long is this journey going to take? I’ll have finished this recap before they’ve reached the end of the desert at this rate.

Nina sits down and breathes “Whew! It’s hot out here!” Just before she can strip off to show Clay just how hot it is, she continues “Oh…Don’t worry, Clay – I’m all right!” even though he hasn’t shown the slightest hint of concern. They continue to babble for a while, until Clay, ever the gentleman, says that they should rest until nightfall. Nina immediately shoots him down, and declares “I want to find my sister as quickly as possible!” Okay, Nina, WE. FUCKING. GET. IT. You want to find your missing sister (I’d go missing too, if I had a sister like Nina). Be a good girl and put the Plot Point Mallet down (to steal a term from Jeanne).

Just as I’m getting ready to pull my brains out through my nostrils with a rusty hook, Clay bellows “What the?” so we can safely assume that some Big Shit is about to go down. Sure enough, another Non-Dragon (so far, that’s a Non-Dragon count of 3249) emerges from the sand and begins to chase the Sandflier. Just in case we thought the creature was a fish or something, Clay screams “A dragon?!”

I cross my fingers and telepathically beg the Non-Dragon to devour the Sandflier complete with its brain-dead passengers. Unfortunately, it doesn’t, as Clay makes a sharp U-turn and speeds off in the opposite direction with the Non-Dragon in pursuit. Golly gosh, this is so exciting, even though it’s pretty pointless to try and run (or fly) away from the Non-Dragon. The phrase “switching cabins on the Titanic” springs to mind. Suddenly Clay yells “Hold onto something!”

I giggle like a schoolboy as I wonder just what Nina grabs on to. Obviously it’s not what my filthy mind thinks, because Clay doesn’t squeal. Suddenly the Non-Dragon flies up into the air and crashes down on the Sandflier. Nina screams like the stereotypical Weak Female Character she is, before the screen whites out. Again.

After a few hours, we see a black screen. Kill me now. I live in hope that the next scene will actually show something that isn’t completely white or black. My prayers are answered, as we see Nina and Clay sitting on the deck of the wrecked Sandflier, looking somewhat depressed.

In utter despair, Clay sighs “It’s no use…the sand’s gotten into everything…!” I really hope that he’s merely talking about the Sandflier. Incidentally, it’s only now that I notice that Nina is wearing a very slutty blue dress. Let’s just say that the bottom half could go to a fancy dress party as a belt, and if I were female my mother wouldn’t let me out of the house wearing it. It also goes very well with her hideous blue knee-high boots. Despite the slutty dress, though, Nina is quite sweet and innocent. In fact, she’s so sickly-sweet that she reminds me of Olivia Newton John, circa Grease. Guess what her new name is?

Clay tells Sandy that they’ll need some spare parts to get the Sandflier to work again. Through the miracles of coincidence, the Sandflier crashed near the edge of the desert. Sandy offers to go to the nearest town alone, and Clay doesn’t exactly try to stop her. He probably wants to spend some time with the young men stowed away in the Sandflier’s cabin. At least, he does in my sick mind.

Clay tells Sandy that the nearest town, Sarai, is a short distance away, and hands her the King’s Sword. Of course, being a female, there’s no chance in hell that Sandy can give up her magic wand in order to equip the sword. Sandy cheerily says “Don’t worry! I’ll be back before you know it!”

Something tells me that she won’t.

On the ‘World Map’, which consists of dotted lines and locations (I can hear RPG Purists weeping even as I type), Sandy enters numerous random battles with Goos and Scorpions which resemble normal scorpions with freaky faces stuck on their tails. Speaking of battles, remember FFX’s ‘revolutionary’ battle system, where you can switch characters at any point in the battle? Sure, it was revolutionary, when this game first used a variation of it. Thieving Squaresoft bastards.

Anyway, halfway between ‘Crash’ and ‘Sarai’, Sandy stumbles upon a random location which is displayed with a huge jagged speech bubble containing an equally huge exclamation point. I can’t pass it, so it’s fairly obvious that I have to enter it. Why didn’t Capcom go the whole hog and show a message saying: “YOU MUST GO IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in size 84 font? They probably didn’t want to seem too pushy.

I enter the said location, and see a merchant, who looks creepily like Saddam Hussein, on a weird bird creature desperately trying to climb up the side of a steep pit, at the bottom of which are his abandoned supplies. Said merchant disappears, and Sandy, foolishly stepping to the edge of the hole, ponders “That merchant and his goods must have fallen in!”

If you guessed that our resident dumb blonde (no offence to any other dumb blondes) would be the next one to take a tumble, you’d be right. Sandy squeals as she falls into the hole and lands at the bottom – HORROR OF HORRORS! – getting her hair out of place. As Sandy dusts the sand off of her slutty dress, she squeals again after seeing a transparent Non-Dragon hovering in front of her.

I know those last few words made no sense, but if you could see the effect used in this scene, you’d understand why I said “transparent Non-Dragon”. It’s a nice ripply translucent effect. Make the most of that compliment, Capcom, because it’s the last one I’ll make for a long time. Anyway, some ominous exotic music begins to play as the Non-Dragon flies up into the air and fills the screen with bright light. For a minute I think that we’re going to get yet another white screen, and prepare to throw my shoe at the TV. However, we see Sandy looking down upon a naked young man with blue hair (could it be…yes! It’s Ruley!). It looks like the transparent Non-Dragon transformed into Ruley or deposited him at the bottom of the hole. After about half an hour, she finally realises that he’s naked, and turns away with a cry of “Whoa!”. She acts like she’s never seen one of those before. I think this scene is supposed to emphasize Sandy’s innocence and purity, but it just makes her look dumb, like those 14-year old teen mothers who didn’t think they could get pregnant if they did it standing up.

I think it’s all an act anyway. Sandy’s like one of those people who you think are really prudish until you stumble across their hidden stash of whips and handcuffs. Not that I speak from experience or anything. Now, Sandy is reluctant to see Ruley naked after noticing that he actually has no genitalia. I’m being serious. He looks like a naked mannequin. With blue hair.

Sandy, blushing, tells Ruley to put on some clothes, as there should be some among the merchant’s supplies. The amazing powers of coincidence weave their magic once again, as the clothes are a perfect fit. It sure would’ve been funny if Ruley had to walk all the way to Sarai in his birthday suit.

After a conversation that’s pretty one-sided, considering that Ruley is the Devil Incarnate, aka Silent Protagonist (and during which Sandy asks, literally, 20 questions) they somehow get out of the pit. After deciding that Ruley is lost, and that he has amnesia (another failed stab at originality), Sandy asks him to accompany her to Sarai. To the World Map-that-isn’t-really-a-World-Map!