Xenosaga Part 12

Posted by Jeanne
06.30.11

Sam suffered through 11 mofoing hours of Xenosaga in order to bring you the latest recap. If that weren’t torture enough, the recap includes that scene. Yeah, you know which one I’m talking about. Don’t let Sam’s sacrifice be in vain — go read the recap already.

Also, as a bonus, here’s the exchange that took place after Sam sent me the magnum-sized recap:

Sam: I apologize in advance for how motherfucking long it is.
Jeanne: That’s what Phoenix said.
Sam: Phoenix would never have to apologize for THAT, though.

11 thoughts on “Xenosaga Part 12”

  3. Jeanne Post author

    The icing on the cake is that you got to vent over that idiotic 35-minute presentation you endured all those years ago. I know you’ve been waiting a long time for this. (That’s also what Phoenix said.)

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  4. Vincent Valentine

    ” Even looking past how personally grossed out I am, because words fail me, why and how in the holy hell is a nude, adult Shion acting as a decade-and-a-half-old firewall for the data in a little girl’s brain? What the fuck? What in the motherfuck was that? ”

    ” “I see!” he says through his giggling. He looks at KOS-MOS, and then at Shion, before declaring that “It all makes sense now…” No, it doesn’t. Fuck you for saying it does.”

    The big highlights for me.

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  6. Ben

    Whoa, unless I’m mistaken, this is the longest recap ever. I actually feel kinda guilty that I’m finding such hilarity in your pain, but at least I now know I was right to give up on Xenosaga after the first few hours.

    Makes all the suffering…well, not exactly worth it, but close.

    I don’t think anything could make the suffering worth it. Seriously, that Albedo scene (well, all of Albedo’s scenes) sounded excruciating.

    Also, Naked!Shion is something I could have quite comfortably lived the rest of my life without seeing, so I can only imagine how disturbed you must have felt when she popped up…so to speak.

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  7. Sam

    I actually checked on this, and Jeanne’s Cockarina of Time part 3 recap is longer by a couple thousand words. Which is fitting–I can’t think of two more insufferable gaming experiences covered by VGR than the Song of Nephilim and fucking Jabu-Jabu.

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  8. [Insert Name]

    Nine pages?!
    …
    …
    …Still takes a shorter time to read than to actually play through the goddamn Phallus of Nephililm dungeon.

    Joking aside, great recap! Even though I love Xenosaga, it’s fun to see the series (and those stupid, stupid, STUPID scenes with the main cast just standing around doing nothing) get the riffing it deserves. Definitely worth the wait.

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  9. MintWhelp

    Man… I believe that us readers should make a “Refill Sam’s Liquor Cabinet” donation drive just for this…

    Well at least recapping Xenosaga part One will be over soon. And, if I remember correctly, Xenosaga part Two doesn’t feature MOMO’s underwear as much! –Well, not that I know if you’ll recap that or them future games. I did give up on Xenosaga after playing the first game… Not even the promise of Jin and his phallic weapon and sword convinced me to keep on playing the sequels; and I was a patient enough person to not punch the TV screen when going through Babel Tower in Xenogears and it’s bullshit “LOL, please wait while we load the battle screen, pls do not jump unless you enjoy repeating the tower from the very beginning, LOL” mechanic–

    Also, seriously? Someone made a 35 minute presentation on Albedo’s mindrape scene? And nobody punched the guy? Or made sure his name wasn’t Sal Manella? It’s… too mind-numbing for it to be not true, really.

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  10. TsuNoBa

    I don’t know why I never checked out Xenosaga before, especially since Sam is my favorite recapper. (No offense to everyone else. I like the rest of you, I just like Sam a bit more.)

    Just finished reading EVERYTHING that’s there so far. A couple comment:

    Wow. I had to go to Youtube and watch the (first) MOMO & Albedo scene because I couldn’t quite imagine the scene as you described it, and had trouble comprehending it.

    I’m now even more confused, because your description was entirely accurate. I mean, seriously, what the fuck? I wish My Train Wreck Syndrome wishes I could have heard that lecture you mentioned because I can’t possibly think of what kind of presentation you could possibly make of that beyond “Albedo is a creepy bastard, and I think Crispin Freeman enjoyed that role more than he should have.”

    On the plus side, I did learn that I’ve been pronouncing Rubedo wrong. And likely Albedo as well. And I learned not to question your descriptions in the future.

    Except for with that scene on page 8 or 9 that you blocked out. I honestly thought you were joking until I saw the screenshot. But I promise I won’t doubt you any more.

    To end this on a lighter note:

    Thankfully, it is not one of MOMO’s crystallized tears, turned into the Silver Moon Crystal

    Well, of course not. They don’t have the seven Rainbow Crystals. And anyway, she’s clearly Chibi-Usa.

    Also, thank you for playing through this game and recapping it. I’m not sure if I would have been able to tolerate it, and I’d be annoyed as hell if I put all that time and effort into a game where I couldn’t understand the story at all.

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