My goal is to post the recap on the site anniversary (2/17), but here’s a little preview so you don’t think I’m totally slacking.

We join Bitch at the Gold Saucer, where he just met the newest party member…

Dropping the playing dumb facade, we all know that the stuffed animal riding the bigger stuffed animal is none other than Cait Sith, the object of much fanboy hatred. The reason for this extreme negative reaction is that Cait Sith takes away from the serious and deep nature of this game by polluting it with comedy and silliness. It’s apparently difficult to truly experience the intensely powerful emotions that this game inspires when there’s a huge stuffed toy bouncing along after the rest of the angsty cast members.

This is precisely the reason I love Cait Sith. Actually, I liked him from the beginning because I’m a huge sucker for cute things, but knowing that he also serves the purpose of annoying FFVII fanboys makes me happy in my blackened recapper’s soul. And this is also the last time I will refer to him as Cait Sith — from this point on, he is Jesus, the reason for which shall become apparent in a later recap.

Not only can Jesus read the future, but he has lots of other magical talents like finding missing people and things. You can almost see Bitch’s blocky sprite perk up at this information. “Then can you tell me where a man named Sephiroth is?” he practically squeals. Jesus’s mog does this obscene pelvic thrusting motion for a few moments before producing something that he hands to Bitch. I hope that’s a piece of paper. “…Ordinary luck. It will be an active fortune. Give into the good will of others, and something big’ll happen after summer,” Bitch reads in disappointment. From this, we learn that Jesus is not only a shitty fortune-telling machine, but he creates fortunes in Engrish. Neither of these things is unexpected. Although I would think that “something big’ll happen after summer” would not be entirely an entirely displeasing fortune to Bitch.

Jesus asks for another chance, and after thrusting his crotch into Bitch’s face several more times, the mog produces yet another lame fortune. You know, I can just feel the lightning bolts gathering above me as I write this. A third and final attempt produces the marginally more legitimate-sounding fortune: “What you pursue will be yours. But you will lose something dear.” Well, shit. That can only mean that Bitch will indeed end up in Sephiroth’s manly arms once again, but at the expense of something important like his wiener or his pointy hairdo. Why can’t he lose something he doesn’t give a crap about, like that stupid Cover materia or one of the girls?