Thing is, escaping Cathedral Ship was probably the least of the gang’s worries. All those Gnosis outside? The ones MOMO said were sleeping? Well, they just woke up. I’m guessing it has something to do with their daddy dispersing into the void. As Tony is flying full throttle to get them out of there, a blast of laser beams blows up a few dozen of the Gnosis on their tail. Matthews whips around to spot none other than the Durandick gliding through space toward them. And space likes it.
Jailbait grins, “You got it!” from the bridge of his billion-dollar space dildo. God, it hasn’t worn off, he’s still hot. God. Chesty confirms that the ship they just saved is the Elsa. Jailbait decides to worry about what the hell the Elsa is doing here later, because there are only about five million Gnosis still in pursuit. Jailbait orders his girl candy Realians to blast the Gnosis so the Elsa can get away, and the ladies comply, shooting lasers in every direction from the Durandick’s shaft. Thousands of Gnosis are hit right in the gas tank and explode. A freaking radial blast. Beat that, Ron Jeremy.
Back in the belly of the Elsa, Shion and those other losers no one cares about are moving slower than three-toed sloths with walkers toward the bridge. Ziggy points out that the fighting must have started, given all the rumbling going on. MOMO wonders if they can survive against the overwhelming number of Gnosis out there, to which Shion responds, “They destroyed an entire Federation fleet. It would be wiser for us to flee than fight.” Gee, my hearing must be giving out in my extreme old age. I could have sworn that MOMO was wondering if they’d even make it against the Gnosis, when clearly she just told Shion that they should stay and fight, dammit, because all those Gnosis can’t be that bad. Jesus, even when Shion says something intelligent she finds a way to make it sound stupid. It’s her special talent. Well, one of them. You know what I’m talking about.
Durandick bridge. Chesty is concerned since, despite the ability to fucking fire laser beams in every direction into space, there are just too many cum-guzzling Gnosis sluts out there for even the Durandick to handle. Jailbait moans that they’re low on supplies or fuel or something since they came straight here after dealing with the U-GEE ship. But why be prudent when you have the opportunity to ram a ship in the ass? Just my opinion. Busty informs Jailbait that the Gnosis are surrounding them, using battle formations and everything. Jailbait’s never seen them like this before. Well, maybe he’s never tried to abduct one of their shiny penis tinker toys before.
On the Elsa, the playable folks finally waltz to the bridge, just in time to see the butt-ton of Gnosis behind the ship. Though it really doesn’t look it, Tony says the Gnosis are faster than the Elsa and are gaining fast. And Matthews can’t even find comfort in his cool hat–things are going way south. This would be the cue for something dramatic to happen. And guess who didn’t follow the rest of the group up to the bridge!
Yes, we can now see KOS-MOS walking alone into the Elsa’s airlock. The folks on the bridge notice when the hatch opens, and Shion immediately deduces that it’s KOS-MOS. Hammer brings the GeishaBot onscreen, and she’s standing with her eyes closed and her boobs perked as she rides upward. Of course, Shion shrieks at her. “KOS-MOS! KOS-MOS!! Director!!! What are you doing?! Get back here!!” KOS-MOS admirably ignores Shion’s dire warnings about not being able to do what she’s surely about to do. Hell, there’s already been an example of KOS-MOS overclocking herself once in this recap. What’s one more time?
‘I want to be a real girl!’
Finally, KOS-MOS speaks, and it’s with a softer, less robotic tone than usual. “Shion… Will feeling pain…make me…complete?” As she says the last word she opens her eyes, revealing them to be pure, crystalline, Lake Tahoe blue. She does not, as of yet, have angel wings, six boyfriends or a beautiful singing voice, so I’ll let the eye color change go. No one else hears what she says, though, since she’s in space now and there’s not enough air for the voice to carry. She spoke to Matthews before from outside, but whatever. Point is, KOS-MOS is having a Moment, and all that’s really important is that the player understands what’s happening. Like that’s ever happened in this game.
KOS-MOS now faces the rear of the ship, and a whole fucking lot of Gnosis of all shapes and sizes. She floats gracefully to the very ass-end of the Elsa and lands with a clunk. Technobabble aboard the Durandick indicates that there are Golden Penis Plates acting funky, apparently in accordance to some sort of command by KOS-MOS. She has the command of penises everywhere at her fingertips. Jailbait issues some extremely technobabblish orders that sound to my ears as if he has no idea what to do about the current situation. Other than to stand there and look adorable.
Gnosis still coming toward our android heroine. She stares them all down very calmly, and then, with a flourish, she…opens up a vagina in her torso. Uh.
…
Of course, KOS-MOS’s second set of girl bits is imbued with magic Gnosis-squishing powers. As the, er, opening glows freakishly, a large penisy sprout comes out of her lower back and unfolds into a flower pattern. Don’t look at me. The full apparatus deployed, a positively ginormous bolt of blue light issues from the torso vagina and obliterates every Gnosis behind the ship. Once they’re all gone, the light comes back into KOS-MOS–like that–sucking along all the little Gnosis bits that were left over. Instead of smoking a cigarette, KOS-MOS allows her eyes to go red again. Holy fucking zonko. I mean, guys, I know she’s hot, but that would really change my mind about lusting over her, I don’t know about you. This unfathomably powerful and kinky attack is not officially hers until a little later, but I’ll tell you now that it’s called X-BUSTER, or, as I prefer, X-CLITORIS. Hey, who said she had to be all about the penises?
Elsa bridge. Everyone is quiet for a long time. Matthews looks like he needs a beer or ten. Finally, Shion murmurs, “Did…did that really just happen?” Not that that wasn’t an un-fucking-believable thing for them to witness, but what is it with people in this recap seeing things in person and then wondering if they actually happened? Trust your senses, guys. Corey gawks along with Shion. “It appeared as if she absorbed the Gnosis,” he breathes. Shion asks what I suppose is the pertinent question: “How could she have weaponry we don’t even know about…?” I’d say this confirms my suspicions that Shion herself doesn’t know shit about her own life’s work, but there’s no possible way KOS-MOS could have something that cool without Shion knowing. Plus, I would think Shion would be well aware of any gadgets involving KOS-MOS’s vagina.
Corey and Shion are sure that what they saw just now was impossible, but Matthews, my man, cuts right to it: “Who cares if it’s possible or not? She got rid of the Gnosis, right?” No doubt about that. They’re in her fucking womb for all we know. Maybe KOS-MOS will have Gnosis babies. But that disturbing thought aside, Hammer informs the Captain that “Little Master” would like to have a word. As Matthews and Jailbait gab over the comm, Shion wanksts to herself. “This isn’t the KOS-MOS I built,” she sighs. “Kevin… Is this your hand at work…? Is this the real KOS-MOS that you wished to create…?” Well, who else would have been responsible for this? Dumbshit.
Penis! And penis!
Out in space, the Durandick comes upon the freely floating Golden Penis Plate. A-ha! the ship’s AI must think to itself as it pulls the GPP onboard, A smaller penis for my penis dollhouse! Ah, it’s good to be the Durandick.
And we’re back to Margulis on Pleroma. Jesus, I must be 45 minutes deep in cutscenes by now. A U-GEE Purple Helmet informs Margulis that they have lost track of Jerkinov, so he must be dead. This news brings a deep furrowing of brows in Margulis, causing him to look slightly surlier. Wonderbra stares at Surly!Margulis for a moment, before asking the Purple Helmet to track Jerkinov’s last location. We all know where he just was and what happened there, so let’s skip it. Wonderbra tries, and fails, to look contemplative, while Margulis frowns more. Boy, what an interesting scene this was. Thanks, game designers.
Back to the Durandick, where Jailbait is puffing out his chest and giving orders to Chesty. Is he trying to look more manly, or trying to compete in chest size with her? Either way, he’s just delightful. In the background, most of the Elsa gang arrives on the bridge, and Matthews and CHAOS!!! immediately rush over to kiss Jailbait’s ass. Jailbait whines a little about having to bail them out, plus there’s something wrong with the ship’s computer systems, and wah. CHAOS!!! puts his arm around Little Master consolingly, the first of many touchy-feely gestures between the two leading to lots of eye-bursting Wang/Jailbait doujinshi and fanfic. Earring/trouser snake OTP!
Gold digger!
After introducing Shion and Corey as “a couple of guys,” Matthews is dismissed by Jailbait to start repairing the Elsa. “Why don’t you get it fixed over at the Foundation?” Jailbait adds. Oh yeah. That Foundation. Shion squees that he means the ever-lucrative and ever-wonderful Kukai Foundation. Corey whispers urgently, and not very quietly, in Shion’s ear that the Kukai Foundation is, like, bad, and they “can’t associate with these people!” Oh, Corey, you’ve been associating with them for the past six hours. Chill. Jailbait hears what Corey said just fine and threatens to dump him back out in space if he doesn’t like the digs. Corey reacts by characteristically wetting himself, while Matthews and Jailbait take turns verbally abusing him. Shion grins like a dork the entire time, because…well, I want to slam her for being a bitch, but Corey does totally deserve it. Fine. She wins…this round.
Oh, but once Shion turns around, it’s all about the sad music and the pouty face and the wankst. Of course. Jailbait, finished toying with Corey’s fragile feelings, notices that Shion looks close to crocodile tears and asks her if she’s okay. Seriously, he does not even know her name at this point and he’s already all concerned about her emotional well-being. Fucking Shion. She tells him it’s nothing–I’m not sure I even know what it is, she has so many different things she mopes about–and at least gives her latest admirer her name. Jailbait introduces himself as Gaignun Jr. “I got a real name, but let’s just leave it at that for now.” I know what his name is. It’s “Back the Fuck off Sam’s Strawberry Koolaid, Esquire.”
Jailbait orders Busty to whip the Durandick around, back toward the Kukai Foundation. “Make sure to tell Gaignun that we’ve secured the final [faux GPP],” he adds. The sentimental music tinkles as the Durandick cruises into a gaping purple hole…for gate-jumping. As it disappears, a large white mech stares after it. Gee, couldn’t be anybody we know.
And we’ve made it to the save screen! Oh my GOD, I am finally finished! I survived Cathedral Ship and all I got was this lousy hangover! Next time, the gang will arrive at the Kukai Foundation, and they’ll meet this Gaignun fellow. Is he Jailbait’s daddy? Yes, he is. Wink. Also, Shion and CHAOS!!! in swimsuits. I think I will be going blind.