There’s some minor puzzle “solving” in between the long stretches of monsters, involving an elevator, some boxes and a ladder. Fascinating stuff–not falling asleep at all right now. Eventually the party makes it to a staircase, at the top of which I can find something for MOMO if I make her the lead character. An excuse to boot Shion’s ass from the party for five minutes? No need to tell me twice. MOMO sees something sparkly on a nearby wall, and squeaks to herself, “Battle armor exclusively for the 100-Series Observational Realians?” She rightly deems it suspicious, but takes it like a good girl. It’s not exactly armor, though–it’s a new tech, Magic Caster, and a new Ether, Star Wind. Star Wind enables MOMO to go all Card Captor Sakura on enemies’ asses, and Magic Caster is a tech she can use as CCS!MOMO to get rare items. I’d provide screencaps of this stuff, but for one thing, I forgot to actually have her transform at all in this run through Cathedral Ship, and for another, I’m sure there’s some perv reading this who would print out the images and do bad things with them. Maybe next time, guys.
While upstairs, MOMO blasts a bridge of some kind with her Boom Stick, causing it to fall to the level below and create a bridge to a where large, red, pulsating Penis Head Gnosis is wafting around in anticipation of a battle. Its arms are also vaguely penis-shaped. As a reward for killing this optional boss Gnosis, the party finds a Tuned Circuit, aka one stupid accessory for an A.G.W.S. So very worth it. At least it wasn’t cards or something. Continuing onward, there’s another new species of Gnosis, an Ogre, which looks not unlike the Cave Troll from the first Lord of the Rings movie. They’re kind of tough because they enjoy smacking around poor MOMO and KOS-MOS, but they also fear the magic attacks of CHAOS!!!’s and his powerful wang. Hey, it’d better be good for something. Other than that.
Three or four Ogres later, the party finally, finally reaches a save point. Unless it’s a hallucination brought on by too much Bacardi and I only think I saved. Anyway, a couple things to comment on here. One, according to the counter on the VCR, it has been one hour and 47 minutes since I departed from the last save point. Given that every minute I play Xenosaga feels like a lifetime, we’re talking about a long fucking time to go without saving at all. Second, there is also a silver shopping point next to the save point, and the strategy guide has a rather long list of things I should stock up on before continuing. Yeah, that’s great, except that none of the fucking monsters in Cathedral Ship up to this point give up any money. I even checked when I saved, and the money total remained exactly the same from one save to the next. Given that none of the Gnosis gave up any decent sellable items, either, and given that this very strat guide was the one that told me to blow as much money as I could back at Mos Eisley, I’d like to issue a big ol’ “what the frelling fuck” to the people at Bradygames. And no, “come back here after getting money and items from the monsters further ahead” is not a acceptable alternative, since everything in Cathedral Ship regenerates once you leave the room. Considering how many hours it takes me to get the fuck out of this place without backtracking at all, I’d really rather not voluntarily pile on more misery just for the sake of some more status-healing items.
Anyway. The save and shopping points are actually outside a building that turns out to be the Mega Super Ultra Mall of Ariadne. Yes, the whole planet has one mall. Not that great of a mall, either–no Pottery Barn, no Orange Julius, not even a Sharper Image to wander around in and not buy anything. Just a fuck-ton of Gnosis. I guess it could be worse–it could be Gnosis at kiosks trying to sell me back massagers and hair extensions. Or teenage Gnosis in unflattering tube tops wheeling around their crying Gnosis babies.
Almost immediately inside the mall, the party runs into another boss monster not unlike the optional one earlier. MOMO jumps into Shion’s A.G.W.S., while CHAOS!!! and KOS-MOS deal out damage. When MOMO gets in the A.G.W.S. it sounds like she’s groaning, “Oh! A.G.W.S.!” I have no idea if that’s what she’s actually saying, and I’d rather not know, one way or the other. This Penis Head Gnosis, to my great annoyance, is healed by lightning attacks, and I think I’ve covered my problem with this adequately already, so let’s just say MOMO kills the thing. Go A.G.W.S. and stuff. Beyond the Gnosis’s corpse, the party finds a staircase–or a non-working escalator–and heads to the second level of the mall. Inside a flower shop, the gang takes on a large group of girl parts-esque plant Gnosis in order to retrieve a Segment Address door decoder and a packet of fucking flower seeds. I would complain about this, but hey, at least these things don’t absorb lightning.
Um…vagina?
Through a few more doors, past a few more Gnosis, and down an elevator, I reach an exciting room with a whole lot of swag-filled crates. Trapped in the space in between the crates are, according to the onscreen info, Unicorns. Yeah, okay. They are horse creatures with mega-phallic horns, but the resemblance basically ends there. But I am getting the message–gradually–that Gnosis = normal fantasy creatures under five crack filters in day-glo colors, and that’s basically what’s going on here. Their horns are also worth a crapload of money. I would have never guessed a phallic object would have so much value in this game.
CHAOS!!! is almost jealous.
After killing the Unicorns, collecting some treasure, and discovering a new Segment Address door that I don’t have the key to so I’ll have to come back here in cyberspace long after this place is evaporated into the void, it’s time to leave the Mega Super Ultra Mall of Ariadne. Let’s just say the rest of this dungeon comprises the party trying to find which parking lot the Elsa is in. Outside I get very confused because there are two lengthy paths to follow. This complicates my normal dungeon-exploring MO, “find the dead end with the treasure and then go the other way.” I feel even dumber when I realize the path is circular and both ways end up going to the same place. Along the way Ziggy gets his new tech, Meteor Shot, and Shion gets Thermal Blade. Both are fire-based, so guess what the next Penis Head Gnosis boss is weak against!
Surprisingly, it actually is fire. Wow, I guess the game designers are trying to patch things up with me. Unfortunately, in order to benefit from their display of kindness, I have to put Shion in the party. If it weren’t for the fact that I need to use her later anyway, it wouldn’t be worth it. So Shion, Ziggy and CHAOS!!! team up and take care of Penis Head #3 in short order. The strategy guide recommends CHAOS!!!, because Heaven’s Wrath works really well against PH#3. Fair enough. But it adds this as a caveat: “Unfortunately, this Tech Attack might not yet be available if the spiritual member of the group has not seen much battle.” Yeah, he’s just been rotting away in reserve, because I’d rather not use the guy who can evaporate Gnosis with his fucking hands when I’m walking around inside the biggest Gnosis in the universe. Because I’m a dumbass. Also, “spiritual”? Has CHAOS!!! discovered Jesus? Possibly he is Jesus? You guys figure it out.
Loading ...A new branch goes north from the circular pathway, and following it the gang shortly comes upon a…um…tower. Shion figures they must be at the center of Cathedral Ship, making me wonder why it was a good idea to go closer to the center of the thing you’d like to escape from. But whatever. The group stares, awestruck, at the large building before them. Let’s jump to the point: it’s the original Golden Penis Plate, or at least it’s a building designed to look like it. And it’s actually black, with blue veins of mystic power running through it. I’ll keep my comments on that to myself. CHAOS!!! wonders as to the significance of this impressive structure, so Shion can guh stupidly back at him. “Well,” CHAOS!!! goes on, “if this is really the center, it’s possible that it may be of some importance to the Gnosis…” Then he lamely qualifies his remarks with a bunch of bull about it maybe being totally insignificant in a larger frame of reference. Shut up, CHAOS!!!. You’re just mad because it’s bigger than you.
You could say that.
Ziggy draws the totally out-of-the-blue conclusion that this thing could be wreckage, just like every other damn thing they’ve seen in here. This makes MOMO all scared, because she doesn’t want to end up like a moldy Penis Plate stuck in a Gnosis’s butthole. Shion leans over–thanks, game designers–and talks to MOMO like she’s four years old. “We’ll be sure to get out of here before that happens.” I guess if you pretend you have control of the situation for long enough, maybe it’ll come true.
Speaking of getting out of here, what ever happened to the Elsa? KOS-MOS tells Shion that she has lost the Elsa’s signal. “Lost…?” Shion asks. Yes, that would be what she said. Also, I was about to pose the question of why the hell they weren’t going in whatever direction led them closer to the Elsa, but then I realized they’ve been walking along a basically unidirectional path all this time, leading directly to the super-important plot intrigue rather than the way out. And I know that’s nobody’s fault but the stupid game designers. At any rate, the previous rant is irrelevant, because KOS-MOS elaborates that she lost the signal due to distortions coming from the GPP building, and that the last signal she had from the Elsa was “300 meters below our present position.” So the pathway leading to the plot intrigue is also leading to the way out. Fuck. Convenience and complete lack of sense. They agree to go on–like there’s an alternative–with the dim hope that the Elsa is not also embedded in one of Cathedral Ship’s fleshier appendages. I can only hope that it is, so that the game terminates in a Hamlet ending at the conclusion of this dungeon. Humor me.
And with that we rejoin Jerkinov and his fucking flashbacks. I think you should know that I just started gnawing on my left hand. Which makes typing kind of a bear, but there you are. Jerkinov is now recalling the Golden Penis Plate building in its former glory, with ominous glowing spotlights dancing up and down its length. Hey, it’s an annoying plot device, but at least it’s fabulous. Cut to Margulis on the bridge of some ship somewhere, talking to Jerkinov onscreen. “Preparations for the [Golden Penis Plate] Link Experiment are complete,” Jerkinov monotones at his boss. “We’ll begin phase one in 60 minutes.” Margulis hmphs in acknowledgement, and from his point of view we see that Jerkinov is standing in front of the faux GPP. He asks the boss, “Why was I assigned this mission?” Margulis answers, “I wanted to test your loyalty to the Organization…that, I had to get you out of the office. The secretaries were a little annoyed by your requests to impregnate them.” Margulis and Jerkinov “cryptically” hint at what will happen to the citizens of Ariadne, whether or not the experiment on the GPP, whatever it is, works. “They’re of no consequence to me, nor to our Organization, or anyone else…” Jerkinov says of these people. Ooh, I think I smell an ironic twist coming! Can you guess what it is?