The U-GEE mothership launches a lifeboat, but Jailbait’s still feeling chastised and tiny and lets it go. But he does stick a tracer on its ass, so they can maybe figure out where that shiny Golden Penis Plate is. That’ll boost the ol’ ego. Jailbait walks out of the bridge without Chesty, shouting technobabble orders at the top of his lungs in order to get back a little of his dignity. Chesty sits down and grouses to her sister about how he goes all Wild West Hotshot whenever he’s holding his pistolas. Busty basically says what I’ve been thinking all this time about Jailbait needing to compensate for being a teeny tiny thing. Chesty laughs because it’s funny to make fun of a 12-year-old boy’s eensy penis, especially when he’s not around to hear you. “But I think Little Master’s attractive just the way he is,” she adds. Wow, suddenly I don’t feel so alone in the world. Now I know I have someone to share the fiery bench with down in the Second Circle.
That’s MY line, girlfriend.
Before heading back to the Durandick, Chesty says to no one, “It’s a shame…Little Master doesn’t have any choice in the matter but to stay that size…” So…what? He can’t get it up? I’m confused. Don’t they have Viagra in 60xx?
And on that note, our little side trip with Jailbait and his Space Strap-On comes to an end. And even better: I get to spend more time with Shion! Oh, fabulous! We pick back up with the Moron Gang as the Elsa pulls into the Dock Colony. And may I say that the Elsa doesn’t look even remotely penisy after what I just witnessed. I’m going to have to re-evaluate my entire concept of What Is Phallic.
On the bridge, Shion jiggles in, wondering about the whereabouts of Commander Jerkinov. When asked why, she whines, “Well, he skipped dinner again, so I’ve been looking for him…” Hammer mentions that he might have gone outside, to search for a charter flight in town. And, apparently, to get as far away from Shion and her home cookin’ as he possibly can. Smart man.
Captain Matthews is worried about something else, though. “Wait a minute…” he says, nearly dropping his PBR and Marlboro. “Wearing that uniform?” No one else understands why this is a problem, so Matthews explains: “This area was abandoned by the government and never properly restored after the war. The people here haven’t forgotten how violent the military was, though. It’s no place for a soldier to be wandering around.” Well, that basically sounds like the history and collective attitude of every colony ever.
Of course, Shion has to show her ignorance, again, of the world around her. “Is it really that dangerous here?” she asks, boobs thrust out and hands on her hips. Matthews reiterates that it’s only dangerous because Jerkinov is obviously military, and takes a long, soothing drag on his cigarette, letting the nicotine mellow out his desire to smack Shion like a bitch. Hey, maybe I should start smoking.
Cut to Jerkinov wandering around the Dock Colony. He starts to get slightly suspicious when he sees, oh, I don’t know, the entire town gathering around him wearing brass knuckles and ripped leather jackets. The space-age equivalent, anyhow. He glares at them as the music gets all sinister. Gee, I hope nothing bad happens to this guy I know is working for the talky, irritating villains. I’d be so sad.
Back on the bridge, CHAOS!!! and his vile appendage think it’s a good idea to go look for Jerkinov if he’s going to be roughed up by gangland cronies. Shion agrees, and adds, “I’ll go get Ziggy. He’ll probably come in handy at a time like this.” I’m sure Ziggy would be thrilled to know Shion views him as the equivalent of a waffle iron you keep on the top shelf in the pantry save for one Sunday a month. Hammer begrudgingly says that he’ll go with Corey and look around. “He doesn’t look very useful, though…” A quick cut to the galley shows Corey sitting by his lonesome at the bar and suddenly letting out a sneeze, then glancing around with a “Whuh?” expression. The first TROO AH-NEE-MAY FAN ZOMG who feels the need to email me with an explanation of the Japanese cultural significance of this gesture will get a virtual kick that will relocate his virtual balls somewhere in the vicinity of his virtual small intestine.
And now I’m in control of Shion, which I have just missed so terribly. Right off the bat she receives an email, but I’m not complaining because it’s actually something cool this time. “An intelligence bureau investigation has confirmed that Gnosis with stronger battle capabilities will appear,” the email understates. “To counter this, you have permission to remove the seal on KOS-MOS’ battle technique program.” This means that KOS-MOS gets to use a new Tech called R-DRILL. Because R-CANNON just wasn’t enough phallus for one android girl. Shion and A.I. Bunnie chat about this development, and agree that Gnosis have adapted to measure up better against anti-Gnosis weapons like KOS-MOS. Except that Shion seems to think that the Gnosis “got together” and “devised a new scheme” with the explicit thought of beating KOS-MOS, the Superman to their Legion of Doom. There’s a new layer of dumb for our heroine. Christ, Shion, they’re space whales.
After reading her email, Shion goes looking for Ziggy. She finds MOMO hanging around in the lounge, and after a moment the Realian is able to locate Ziggy outside the elevator one floor down. Shion’s all, “Aren’t you cute with your widdle twacking abiwities!” and MOMO’s all, “Tee hee, thanks!” This kind of interaction throughout the game is apparently sufficient for people to create doujinshi of Shion hacking forcibly into MOMO’s “pleasure programs.” And I thought Shion/KOS-MOS porn was gross.
Shion finds Ziggy pretty much exactly where MOMO said he would be, and after some convincing he agrees to help find the Commander. During this exchange there’s some kind of framerate problem, because Shion’s head keeps jerking back and forth, and not in her usual blowing-the-bunny kind of way. She looks more like she’s attempting to get funky to a Bell Biv Devoe album. Oops, I think I just dated myself. Or I’ve been watching too much fucking VH1.
Now that I have a full party, I pick this totally non-crucial point in time to return to some previous locations and grab treasure chests from behind red Segment Address doors, now that I have the decoders for a few of them. Shion, CHAOS!!! and Ziggy go snoop around the KOS-MOS training area and the now twice-obliterated Hoglinde. I’d just like to state again for the record how completely ridiculous and asinine it is for Shion to uncover a Stim DX from a ship that’s been destroyed twice now, and it’s still there because the place still exists on the Internet. I mean, if I order something from Amazon, and all their warehouses are blown up, do I still expect to get my shit? Only if I’m a entitlement-filled dumbass, and as I’m playing as Shion right now, I guess I am.
After wasting a fair amount of time just to get a Stim DX and two booster packs for a card game I’ll never play, Shion exits the U.M.N. thingy and heads for the airlock. Hammer is standing there, and explains to Shion that he was going to go with Corey and assist in the search, but Corey was too busy crying about his music career to be of much use. So Hammer goes on ahead while Shion busies herself at the local shops. Commander who?
The Dock Colony will now and forever be known as Mos Eisley, because every NPC Shion talks to feels the need to tell her how rundown and horrible it is–one person even refers to it as a “den of outlaws,” which is as close to “a wretched hive of scum and villainy” as I’m going to get in this game. Shion enters the cantina clinic first, and finds a few depressing folks who were residents of Ariadne until it winked itself out of existence. To depress me further, there’s a “funny” little contraption on the left-hand wall which monitors the height, weight, and general health of the person who uses it. After reading her results Shion moans, “Oh, no, I think I gained a little weight…” OH NOES, you went from anorexic to merely waify! I’m sobbing. SOBBING.
For the metric system-challenged, that’s 5’4″ and 105 pounds. SHUT UP, SHION.
Next stop is the general wares store, which is called TALK TO ME!!. Yes, just like that. The girl at the counter advertises the place as selling “everything from A.G.W.S. beam cannons to toilet paper.” Let’s just hope they sell sandwiches, because Shion could use a few dozen, STAT. I spend as much money as possible on new A.G.W.S. equipment and new weapons and armor…at least for the characters who will fit into theirs because they’re not OMG SO FAT.
Please excuse me for the next five seconds while I beat my head against the corner of the coffee table.
Okay, done and concussed. Now it’s time to find Jerkinov and save his ass from Jabba and Greedo. Hammer finds him first, in the middle of being shit-kicked by four different guys. Instead of helping at all, Hammer just stands there, quivering and probably wetting himself. One of the Mos Eisley thugs calls Jerkinov “Federation scum,” which clearly puts a toe over the line, as Jerkinov suddenly glares up at them, and there’s this white glowing symbol on his forehead. And again with the Sailor Moon parallels. Dammit, game designers.
It only takes a minute for Shion to find Hammer, who’s having a Corey-style freakout: “Oh!! S-S-S-S-Shion! I-I-I-It’s terrible! It’s terrible!! In the thug, the alleyway is beat up all Commander!!” They manage to get the gist and follow him to the scene of the beatdown. But instead of finding one very beaten-up military guy, they find three civilians leaking blood out of every orifice. Well, Sailor Moon can’t do that. Ziggy checks on the dudes and realizes they’re somehow not dead. Hammer runs to get a doctor while Shion stands there with her typical clueless mug. Ziggy detects a “heat signature” most likely belonging to Jerkinov running back toward the dock. Shion’s all, “Commander…” in her own version of the My Puppy Died voice.
Cut to the Elsa, where Jerkinov is sitting on a couch, being tended to by MOMO. Not like that. Jerkinov has a highly lame excuse prepared for Shion and Ziggy about the thugs blasting the ever-loving hell out of each other. Even Shion looks skeptical, but no one really says anything to doubt him. Meanwhile, MOMO is just desperate to put her tingly touch on Jerkinov’s wounds, but the Commander isn’t a pedophile and backs away. “I’m sorry…” he tells her. “It’s just…I’m not a big fan of nanosurgery.” Is that the street name for it these days? I’m so out of touch.
MOMO looks all put out until Ziggy asks her to give him some sugar, so she forgets all about that prude Jerkinov and goes with him. MOMO checks Ziggy out and sees that his rusty metal body seems to be working just fine, regardless of what he says. “But you know,” she tells him, “you may be better off if Shion were to look you over.” “Gross, who knows where that’s been,” Ziggy basically replies. Actually, he says he’s not really comfortable with…you know…those lady doctors. What if they go shopping while you’re on the operating table?
MOMO assumes he means that he’s more comfortable with her because she’s a Realian and therefore not human. But by no means! It’s actually much more stupid than that. “It’s just that I feel more comfortable around you,” Ziggy reassures, “but that’s probably because…because of the purity of your heart…” Yeah, I’ll just be joining Shion in the bathroom, to puke up my dinner. But MOMO thinks it’s just soooooooo sweet. She would.
‘But for those who do, may I suggest some doujinshi?’
Jerkinov totally dirties this “heartwarming” moment by staring creepily at MOMO. When they stare back he begs off that it’s nothing and runs out the door. Shion pouts. “I wonder if the Commander is really all right…” she says. “He’s been acting strangely ever since we boarded the Elsa…” Hey, Shion, maybe that’s because he was on a ship that blew up, he had to hitch a ride on the outside of the last escape pod, he was nearly turned to chalk by a Gnosis, he’s been forced to eat your cooking for a week, and then he was accosted by thugs in an alleyway in the middle of nowhere. Jesus Christ, yeah, I’m sure he’s fucking fine.
Elsewhere, Jerkinov is stumbling blindly through a corridor, obviously not fucking fine. His breath is all foggy and he keeps having flashbacks of being attacked by the Gnosis. Then he gives himself an injection of something in the neck and feels better. I don’t know what drug would make me feel better, if I were confined to the company of these people. But it probably would require injection.
On that happy note, it’s time for me to wrap up this recap! Hooray! Next time, I take on the three-hour binge drinking session known as Cathedral Ship, during which I should be able to forever dispel the notion that the long cutscenes are what make this game such a tedious pain in the ass. And I’ll get to watch CHAOS!!! use Angel Blow! Again and again and again! See you in part nine, if I live long enough to recap it for you.