Sinister music accompanies Chesty and Little Master’s exploration of the Hoglinde’s hull. This should be their clue to get out, before they’re besieged by whiny broads or guys who eat brains. “Bingo!” he cries. “I’ve found the remains of a [Golden Penis Plate] [cock] ring. I guess this was where they were storing it.” So Little Master is also interested in the Golden Penis Plates? I’m sure he’s not compensating or anything. He asks Busty to do something technobabblish, in order to track the GPP. Chesty is all freaked that her boy-toy boss actually wants to pursue the Gnosis. “Aren’t you scared, Little Master?” But of course he isn’t! He may be physically tiny, but he’s a real brute man! Jeez, look at his ship! All man!
Pedophiles, for instance.
But our protagonists from the Durandick are to get no further in their search of the Hoglinde, because suddenly they’re surrounded by U-GEE A.G.W.S. units. Chesty’s all “Oh shit” and Little Master tells her to get her ass back to the Durandick with everyone else while he takes on their unwanted guests. And then for no reason he does this fancy, show-off backflip in his own A.G.W.S., as if to say, “I’m gonna whip your ass with my gymnastics.” I’m sure they’re shaking in their little space-boots, seeing how he just sent away the entirety of his reinforcements. Really smart move.
Little Master’s stupidity is exposed to be something more like justified arrogance once the battle starts, because his bitchin’ A.G.W.S. is more than a match for the four wimpy little babies he’s up against. And following the battle, I finally see that Little Master’s “real” name (which it isn’t) is Jr. Another stab at the poor dear’s lack of a large penis, I see. Well, he’s my illegal boyfriend now and I’m not having that.
Once Jailbait has decommissioned the A.G.W.S., a bunch of U-GEE battleships start popping out of hyperspace outside. One of them fires a few rounds at the Hoglinde while Jailbait is still inside. “Whoa, whoa, hold up… Trying to cover up the evidence?” he duhs. Chesty doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the evidence and tells him to hurry back, because “the mothership is comin’!” Well, good for her, Chesty. From the relative safety of the Durandick, Jailbait watches as the Hoglinde is blown up. How many times can they destroy that damn ship? Is someone going to come by later and blow up each individual atom?
Is her ass asymmetrical? Does she have scoliosis?
When Chesty and Jailbait arrive back on the bridge, a Realian girl in a very inappropriate miniskirt gives them the specs on the U-GEE mothership and tells Jailbait they’re awaiting his orders. But U-GEE beats him to the punch and fires first, a volley of lasers from penis cannons smacking the Durandick right in its shields. Busty orders the Realians to channel their energies into the “High Velocity Cannon System.” You will not need three guesses to figure out what this is going to look like.
Once the “High Velocity Cannon System” is ready to go, Jailbait approaches a console in front of him with two large round orbs sticking out of it. There are enough boobs on this ship already, and since these things are connected to the Durandick itself, let’s just assume they’re its testicles. So Jailbait places his hands above the Durandick’s balls and the balls and his hands start glowing with arousal. Dramatic quick pan up to Jailbait’s face, as his eyes glow electric blue and he fires the cannon. Wow. That was the sparkliest masturbation scene ever.
Someone’s gonna need a cigarette.
The fantastic money shot of the Durandick spurts in all directions and hits every ship in the U-GEE fleet. Holy crap. The mothership, too, is hit, and begins to retreat. “It’d be nice if we could just let ’em go,” Jailbait says, crossing his arms and pouting adorably. “But we can’t do that, now can we?” No, Jailbait must have his way with this woman. To show us all how manly he is.
“[Busty],” he says with a smirk, “give ’em a little nudge.” Oh, I don’t like where this is going. Playing into my worst suspicions, Chesty winks knowingly and chirps, “And when he says a little nudge, you know what that means!” Busty makes sure we’re all on the same page with what’s about to happen: “Set engines for ramming speed! Penetrate the port side and prepare for combat!” Ramming speed? Penetrate? Are you shitting me with this?
Sure enough, once the Durandick has primed itself with revved engines and a generous helping of K-Y, it plunges, shaft-first, directly into the ass of the U-GEE mothership. There’s a loud, fiery explosion, and you can practically hear the ship screaming “OW! OW! I am not that kind of girl!”
And on the first date!
Cut to Chesty giving orders to the troops about obtaining the ship’s mainframe and basically beating up anyone they find inside. But with a lot of drawling. Several shots of gay male Realians with long rifles sliding on their butts down to the mothership. Chesty and Jailbait follow behind them.
Inside the U-GEE ship, there are still fires raging from the bump ‘n’ grind with the Durandick. Miraculously, one corridor later everything is perfectly intact, including all the explodable canisters along the walls containing healing items and swag for Jailbait. Seriously, the entire ship was just reamed in the ass. None of this should even be here. Also lying in wait for Jailbait and Chesty are U-GEE grunts in convenient hidey holes. It’s like U-GEE designed this ship with the expectation that it would be invaded. Sadly for them, it doesn’t do any good, because not only are Chesty and Jailbait awesome, but they even have a generic guy with them to do extra damage and serve as cannon fodder. Of course, Jailbait doesn’t fight from his A.G.W.S., because if he did I wouldn’t get to hear him say “Moonlit Serenade” and “Sayonara, baby.” And I wouldn’t get to see him play with his Pistols of Non-Compensation. Obviously, getting the opportunity to squeal like a pervert every 10 seconds is much more important to me than keeping the boy’s hit points intact. Also, this way I get a close-up on Jailbait’s gay earring at the end of every battle, giving me time to further reflect on what the hell he’s thinking with that fashion monstrosity on his earlobe.
Loading ...The U-GEE battleship is one of those “clever” dungeons that has a bunch of locked doors and corresponding keys that are five miles away from their respective doors. It also has several “If you fuck up and blow up the wrong thing, soldiers will come to kill you” hotspots. In terms of frustration, though, it generally fails because 1) if you follow the natural progression of the hallways, you’ll end up right where you need to be and 2) all the soldiers are pussies. In fact, Jailbait chooses to blow up every single thing he sees, because, well, he’s large and in charge. Wink.
Outside the door marked with an enormous “3,” Jailbait runs into some of his Gay Male Realian Squad. One of them tells the boss, “Oh, Little Master, you aren’t hurt, are you? We were attacked when the door closed suddenly. My carelessness resulted in our men being wounded. I’m sorry.” I think the guy is understating matters a teeny bit, considering that the Realian to his left is leaking pints of blood all over the pristine corrugated steel floor. The bleeder tells Jailbait that he just needs a little rest and he’ll be back on the front lines. I’m sure if Shion were here she’d be sobbing all over the guy right now. Thank Jesus she isn’t.
The other Realian fills in the gaps as to what happened: “Door No. 3 was open, but it started to close suddenly, so we scrambled to get inside. That’s when they ambushed us.” “They” refers to the three extremely dead U-GEE soldiers next to the door. Upon examining the general area between the corpses and the door, Jailbait says, “So this is the location I heard about. Attacked in such a confined area where all the corridors meet.” I like how he acts like he “heard about” this location in some horrid story a long time ago, when it was really two seconds ago, all of five yards away. Also, the entire ship is built in corridors like this, so every battle Jailbait and his crew have been in has been in this “confined” of a space. And they’ve been in A.G.W.S., for crying out loud. This is one of those all-too-frequent situations in videogames where the in-game logic and the story logic are in completely separate universes, and trying to rationalize any of this is going to be good for nothing but a headache. Moving on, then.
Gee, you think?
After another half hour or so of this truly tedious place–broken up slightly by the occasional “Looks like I’m gonna get some exercise after all!” by Jailbait and my subsequent giggling–Jailbait and Chesty reach the bridge. It’s completely deserted, so they get to work on securing the ship’s mainframe. Chesty, what with her bubble ass and impressive hooters, looks more than competent enough to do this on her own, so Jailbait wanders around the bridge for a few minutes to pass the time. When nothing happens, he figures This Is Man’s Work and goes to help out. And to show that, wise and mature ship captain or no, he’s still a 12-year-old boy, Jailbait is all, “Oooooh, what does thiiiiiis button do?” and presses something that causes a whole lot of alarms and sirens to go off. To make matters worse, a large spider-bot materializes out of nowhere and comes skittering toward them. Chesty scolds Jailbait all the way into the boss battle.
Spider-bot, or Ambix, if you prefer, is hardly a difficult boss, but just to be safe I have Jailbait kick it in his A.G.W.S. Pout. Chesty and her girly-ass pale pink A.G.W.S. do most of the damage to the thing, and the generic guy takes most of the damage, meaning Jailbait gets to sit on his ass in this battle and munch on popcorn. Once the thing is dispatched, the “Exciting Technobabble Action” music starts as Chesty and Busty (back on the ship) prepare to transfer the data from the mainframe back to the Durandick. Chesty does this by hooking a ribbon cable to her earpiece and sending the info to her sister. With her mind. “I tell ya,” Jailbait says, “being able to interlink with your sister has to be real convenient.” Yeah, “convenient” would be my word for it, too. Busty admits that it kind of sucks because Chesty’s so dumb that she’s constantly inundated with random thoughts. “I can’t help it!” Chesty drawls. “We’re humans, not Realians.”
Loading ...“You can telepathically talk to the Kaiser, right, Little Master?” Chesty asks. “That sounds a lot more convenient to me.” Jailbait doesn’t seem to think psychically chatting with “the Kaiser,” whoever the hell he is, is all that cool. “I have to constantly make sure I watch what I’m thinking,” he whines, “or else I start sending thoughts I don’t want to send.” I wonder if “The Kaiser is so hot, I wish he liked me back” is one of those thoughts. Unless the Kaiser is some NORG-like ugmo. Just kidding. There are no ugly people in this game.
…No comment.
As much as I wish this absolutely fascinating conversation could keep going, it’s interrupted by some leftover U-GEE soldiers barging in with their guns a-blazin’. Of course Jailbait can’t be outdone in that department, and has to whip out his own in retaliation. He quickly clears the room because he’s a stud and all that, but he gets an earful from Chesty once the ringing in her ears has stopped because his Bullets of Blue Steel tore through the cable Chesty was using to transfer the data. Busty reports that all the mainframe data has sizzled into the ether. Jailbait’s all, “Uh, my bad” and puts on his best pouty face. Which is a pretty damn good pouty face. Aww. Chesty’s having none of it, and tells him, “It’s because of all those cheesy action flicks you keep on watching!” And now I’m picturing Jailbait on the Durandick’s holodeck, pretending he’s Emilio Estevez in Young Guns. Thanks a lot, Chesty.