“No, sir, you don’t understand at all,” Shion says, surely about to break out into hysterics again. As she says this she shakes her head–wait, no, that’s not quite right. She shakes her entire upper torso, as if shaking only her head just wouldn’t quite show her level of disagreement. “Are you listening to me?” she adds. To be fair, she does go on to explain how KOS-MOS woke up on her own and all that. And though I think Shion is blowing the whole fucking thing way out of proportion, I can see where that detail would be just a liiiiiiiiittle troublesome. But up to this point she’s done nothing but repeat things in a sub-Comic Book Guy sarcastic voice and scream “Director!” What was there to listen to? Does she think her boss is fucking psychic or something?

Shion explains to her boss that she can’t turn over KOS-MOS until she figures out what happened. So basically, she’s never going to turn her over. But, “It’s still far too dangerous to use her at full battle spec!” Yeah, that’s all well and good, Shion, but I’m still putting her in my party later. Fucking try and stop me. “Besides,” she says, her voice softening, “you should know full well that I understand her better than anyone else.”

Okay. Let’s review. Just how well does Shion know KOS-MOS?

– She assumes that KOS-MOS, a robot, has feelings.
– KOS-MOS is designed to kill Gnosis, a quarry Shion admittedly knows nothing about.
– She thinks that KOS-MOS should have magically developed a conscience without any sort of programming for conscientious behavior.
– Apparently, KOS-MOS’s orders come directly from mysterious higher-ups, thus leaving Shion out of the command process.

I’ll just leave my feelings on the matter at “Whatever” and move on.

Anyway. The Director mentions the “incident” on the Hoglinde, which he just heard about. You’d think that would have been big news. Military ship with a bunch of your employees on it blowing up and all. “Fortunately, we didn’t suffer any human casualties,” he says, “but it sounded like it could’ve been catastrophic.” No, it was totally disaster-free. Idiot. “Do you really expect me to leave you and the others in such circumstances?” he asks her. I’m not even sure what circumstances he means. The ship was attacked because it had the Golden Penis Plate, not because KOS-MOS was there.

“I’m well aware of the risks,” Shion says, and Corey has a mini-heart attack behind her, since she’s pretty much saying she’s willing to risk his life, too. God, he must really want to get laid, to put up with her this much. “Even so…” the Director starts, but is promptly cut off with another “Director!” God. Would someone–say, Captain Matthews–walk into the room, give her an open-handed smack in the mouth, and walk out again? That would be the greatest thing ever.

Shion leans closer to the monitor, her anime bug eyes death-glaring with all the intensity she can muster. “All right,” the Director relents. “Have it your way. I’ll smooth things over with the people upstairs.” Shion thanks him, but he tells her not to do anything “foolish.” Sure, pal. You may as well ask her to become a nun. He adds that he doesn’t want anything like the two-years-ago incident happening. I’d say I would welcome such a repeat, but you know it’d only be someone like Corey dying under KOS-MOS’s wrath instead of Shion. She’s going to live forever. I’m learning to deal with it, one day at a time. It helps that she’s not really alive in the first place.

The Director says he’ll hand them over to Miyuki so she can handle all the paperwork. Yeah, remember her? The girl who keeps sending presents to Shion but gets as much thanks for it as a two-dollar hooker on buy-one-get-one-free night? Well, Miyuki turns out to be the girl that Shion was just screaming at. The cycle of abuse continues. Even though she was just berated not two minutes ago by this unreasonable woman, Miyuki is all smiles when she comes back on the monitor. “Hey, good going, Chief!” she squeals. Shion brushes it off. “I just did what I had to do,” she replies in a very snippy voice. And she’s pouting and crossing her arms again, even though she just got her way. Sheezus, take some Midol, girl.

“I’m just so glad that you’re safe!” Miyuki insists, getting this dreamy look on her face. I think she has a thing for Shion, which is so crushingly sad I can’t even make fun of it. “Oh, you should have notified us sooner that you were okay!” She informs Shion that the military put her on a list of fatalities in the Hoglinde attack. In some parallel universe, the military got it right and she IS dead. Unfortunately this game doesn’t take place in that dimension. (Shion Cheats Death Count: 8)

Miyuki is now totally swept up in Shion-love: “The whole department was in an uproar! You have a lot of admirers.” Even Shion is a little bit disgusted by this sentiment, though she’s not projectile vomiting, so she’s handling it better than I am. Corey, who’s still here, asks Miyuki, “So, what about me?” Though he’s standing half a foot away from Shion at the most, Miyuki giggles and admits she didn’t even notice he was there. In fact, everyone was sooooooooo worried about Shion, no one at Vector even noticed he was missing as well. But it’s nice that he’s alive too, and junk. Corey’s shoulders slump and he slinks offscreen. This is the kind of heartache only the Wang can soothe. Though “soothe” might be too gentle a descriptor.

Back to MOMO and Ziggy and their exciting hyperspace chase. It’s not really that exciting, but it’s friggin’ Top Gun compared to the last scene. MOMO is doing a bang-up job of evading the other ships, and is sending out an SOS to anyone who happens to be in hyperspace with them. Not anyone we know, that’s for sure! Right on cue, MOMO realizes that a ship in the tunnel is civilian. “We have to warn them!” she tells Ziggy. “No huge loss. The ship is full of wankers and freaky people, except for that stand-up guy with the cool hat,” Ziggy doesn’t reply.

On the Elsa’s bridge, Ziggy’s voice comes over the intercom, warning them of the hyperspace battle. Ziggy recommends they gate out so they don’t get caught in the crossfire, but Matthews is more curious than concerned. He yells over the PA for Shion to get her ass back to the bridge, and we see her running with a serious expression on her face, like the world depends on her being there for this emergency. Whatever. Walking through the door as Matthews finishes his announcement, Shion says, “You don’t need to shout, I can hear you just fine!” This is yet another one of those situations where I’m not sure if the game designers intend for Shion to look like a total hypocrite, or if it’s just my interpretation getting in the way again.

The Elsa crew and Shion–and Corey, who enters a few moments later–check out the ongoing chase. No one knows who they are, but Tony seems impressed at the flying skills of the lone pilot. CHAOS!!! receives the distress call from Ziggy, but Matthews doesn’t seem inclined to help, since he accumulated more than enough Good Samaritan points by saving Shion and Corey’s benighted asses. Then the U-GEE ships start firing at Ziggy and MOMO, with the Elsa unfortunately right in the middle. Tony does some maneuvering, while Hammer and Corey wet themselves and pray for their lives. Shit, I don’t know why they’re bothering–Shion’s on board and she’s not gonna die.

Now that his own ship has been put in danger, Matthews is suddenly willing to help out the enemies of his enemies. And when CHAOS!!! reports a hit to their outer hull, Matthews is so pissed that he kicks Hammer in the head. Hee. Apparently Hammer’s impending concussion is the signal that the Elsa’s going to fly into the fray. Corey loses control of his bowels a second time, but Tony reassures him that both he and the Elsa are plenty cool enough to hang with these other ships. With a few laser blasts, three of the enemy ships are gone. Tony sure is accurate with his guns. Wink.

MOMO glows with delight when she sees the guys behind them die in fiery pain. “Yeah,” Ziggy acknowledges. “These guys must like trouble.” Or they’re just gluttons for punishment, given who they’ve already helped out.

Some more jukes and four more ships are wiped out. Tony gets a hard-on just watching the other ship move. But there are still enough ships on their ass to do some damage, and a second later Ziggy and MOMO’s ship is careening into the hyperspace tunnel wall. “It looks like…this is the end of the line,” Ziggy rightly says. I honestly like that he’s straight with her and treats her like an equal, rather than a little girl. He adds, “I’m sorry I couldn’t see you through this safely,” even though MOMO was the one who was piloting. But she accepts his apology and thanks him for being so cool. Ziggy asks if she’s scared, and she admits that she is. “But I’m okay,” she says, “Because you’re here with me…” Aww. But also ew.

Suddenly, there’s a lot of shaking, and it looks like they’re about to bite it, but on the zoom-out we see that the Elsa has caught Ziggy and MOMO’s ship with its Space!Crane. Tony exclaims, “Nice catch, Shion!” and I roll my eyes most gratuitously. Shion simply looks relieved that she saved them, to her credit, so at least she wasn’t doing it just to show everyone how amazing and multi-talented she is. I do wonder, however, if this is the game’s subtle way of nudging me and saying, “Good thing she’s played that mini-game with the crane on the Hoglinde! Go play it some more, stupid!” If it is, it’s not working.

Matthews informs Ziggy and MOMO over the intercom that they’re going to be pulled into the Elsa. MOMO cheers, and Ziggy restates that these guys must be all up in the trouble-loving. So, everything looks peachy, right? Everyone is safe. That would be the cue for things to go very wrong.

Before the ship can be erotically pulled into the bigger ship, there’s a jarring jolt and the mechanism stops. “Could it be that…?” Shion asks, and Matthews damns the ship’s “electrical problems.” Yes, that’s right, the catapult deck has decided to stop working. If only they had checked it earlier to make sure it was operating properly! Oh. WAIT.

Obviously, no one says a word about Shion being incompetent, because it’s not really the time or the place to assign blame Shion can’t be responsible for anything bad. CHAOS!!! asks Ziggy and MOMO if they can run the rest of the way on their own, which isn’t a problem since they’re both non-human and therefore don’t need to worry about that pesky breathing thing out in space. Ziggy pops the hatch and jumps out to help MOMO down, treating us to our very first clear view of MOMO’s white panties. I can’t tell if Ziggy is scoping her out or not. I like him, so I’m trying my best to assume he has no dirty intentions. It’s hard, believe me. George Michael’s “Father Figure” plays on an endless cycle in my head every time I think about it.

Before Ziggy and MOMO can get inside the ship to safety, they see the remaining U-GEE ships flying alongside the Elsa. Deftly, one of them flips a bitch and flies over their heads, right into the Elsa’s cakehole. “We have no choice; we must enter the ship,” Ziggy says. Because you were totally going to jump off the side of the ramp before the enemies showed up. Okay. He asks MOMO to keep him updated on what the U-GEE guys are doing. He maintains that since they’re after MOMO, they “won’t do anything rough.” You know, until after they capture her. The sickos.

Up on the bridge, the Elsa gang catches up with what’s going on down on the catapult deck. A cruising U-GEE ship on their left side opens communications: “Surrender and maintain cruising speed. If you do not comply, we will attack. We guarantee you will not be harmed if you follow our instructions.” Matthews is a smart smartie, and replies, “My ass…Who are you kidding? We’re screwed either way.” Then he orders Tony to go full throttle and toast that mofo. That’s my man. Once the offending ship has been blown off the hull and into fiery death, the hatch closes.

The ship that managed to invade the Elsa drops off a bunch of A.G.W.S. units in the catapult deck area. CHAOS!!!, back on the bridge, spouts a bunch of technobabble to this effect. Matthews says, “We’ll just have to take ’em on! Prepare for hand-to-hand combat!” Not that he himself will be partaking in the festivities. He’d rather sit here out of harm’s way with a cold domestic draft and a cigar and kick Hammer in the head. CHAOS!!! gets ready to slither into the corridor for combat, but Shion begs to go along, obviously drawn magnetically to the Wang. She also volunteers KOS-MOS for this mission, but KOS-MOS is all up for a little killin’ so she’s fine with it. Obviously protecting Shion has nothing to do with it. Don’t pop my little bubble of denial, please.

After ordering Corey to protect Jerkinov (yeah, the wimpy engineer should protect the marine, that’s brilliant) Shion leaves with KOS-MOS and CHAOS!!!. Those of you playing along at home will note that this is the first time in the game the Wang has gone into battle. For the record, he does not do what many forum posters have suggested and unleash Third Form!Lady Yunalesca from his hot pants. That said, the horror of having to look at his thinly-clothed trouser sausage aside, he’s a very fine battle character, in my opinion the most well-rounded in the game. This bothers me, as I am torn between the desire to use good battle characters (i.e., not use Shion) and the desire to not look at CHAOS!!!’s penis for the rest of the game. The first impulse wins (he really is good), so you’ll just have to put up with my penis jokes for the duration of the recaps. I’m sad for you.

As a side note, following each battle CHAOS!!! appears to either a) dust off his ass or b) adjust his shorts to accommodate his magnum pistol. Either way, hands in the nether regions. Thought you’d like to know.