Crouching under the window, hiding from the guards, MOMO decides this is the perfect time to ask her rescuer a million questions about himself. He explains that he’s an “ex-human,” a term both MOMO and I find extremely odd. He elaborates, “A cyborg.” Oh yeah, the outmoded, suicidal scum of the galaxy. I forgot. He explains his horrific post-mortem fate to MOMO, who identifies him as a victim of the “Life Recycling Act.” That’s like calling Tightass macking on Yuna a “Stomach Contents Adjustment” instead of the “Vomit-Inducing Night Terror.”
MOMO notes that Mr. Recycled hasn’t yet told her his name. He introduces himself as Ziggurat 8. MOMO, looking scandalized, says, “You’re a real human, but your name sounds more like a model number.” THUD! “I know!” she says in Yummy Cookies Mode. “How about I call you Ziggy instead?”
Thanks for clearing that up.
At this moment Ziggy gasps and zooms into the Flashback Zone. In a city courtyard, a little boy with terrifying anime eyes and a dark blue skullcap (the hell?) is playing with a yappy-looking, Pomeranian-esque dog. He thanks his dad for the ankle-biter, and the dad (Ziggy) reveals that it’s an AI puddie-dog. The freaky child wuvs it anyway, and asks his dad what its name is. “Nexus 6,” Ziggy replies. Hey, I think that’s a great name for the dog. But the kid, in a pure genius twist, totally out of left field, scoffs at Ziggy: “That’s just his model number, isn’t it? That makes him sound like a robot.” Ziggy says, “Ah…yeah…” in a tone that suggests he thinks his kid is a nitwit, since the dog IS a fucking robot. The kid decides on the name Nex instead. Jesus. Be creative, could you? I don’t see how a name that’s short for the model number is better than the actual model number.
As the dumbass child and his robot dog frolic around the plaza, Ziggy leaves his flashback and finds MOMO staring avidly at him. She asks, “Do you think it sounds like a puppy’s name?” On a personal note, I once had a German shepherd named Ziggy. So yes, MOMO, it does. Ziggy the Cyborg reassures MOMO that it’s a fine name, so they can finally leave the room and escape the planet full of people hunting them down.
In the control room, Margulis is informed that the intruder is after MOMO. “Probably one of the government’s dogs,” Margulis says. God, really. We freaking GET IT. Margulis orders his troops to surround them so they don’t escape. And that’s the whole scene. Tell us stuff we already know, and then have the generic evil guy give a generic “SEEEEIZE THEM!!!” order which will fail spectacularly to be effective. I think every time Margulis talks, I’m going to press the mute button and make stuff up. It’ll be like Mad Libs!
So. Ziggy and MOMO, fleeing from U-GEE soldiers and evil inhuman robots alike, take to the sewers below the complex and run like crazy. They emerge, first in the temple area to collect swag, and then up a ladder into the A.G.W.S. hangar. Ziggy gets the impression from the three A.G.W.S. on patrol that the Jedi Council has severely underestimated ol’ U-GEE. MOMO brightens their outlook by stating that in about eight minutes, this very room will have over a hundred armed grunts bearing down on them. “Recon Realians are pretty handy,” Ziggy says, and this is all the explanation we get concerning how the hell MOMO knew that. Ziggy figures he’d be dead five times before he hit the ground if he just ran in with guns blazing, but MOMO has a solution. She can use the Hilbert Effect to fuck with their sensors. “Using inverted Hilbert wavelengths, I can create cross-interference that automatically shuts down the A.G.W.S.’ D.S.S.S. enemy sensor system.” This is where I say “Whatever” and we move on because I hate the writers.
MOMO does, uh, that thing she said she would do, and it turns out to involve her clasping her little hands together and making the jewels on her collar and hair glow with magic orange sparklies. Then, as KOS-MOS did, she emits a field of blue and purple psychedelic light. If she shouts “Moon Prism Power Make Up” my brain just might leak out of my skull. After her glow fades away, MOMO gasps and falls to the floor, spent. And I just took that the wrong way, how about you? The dudes in the A.G.W.S. realize immediately what has happened, and start searching the room for the responsible Realian. I would think, then, that MOMO’s actions have hurt their chances of escape, rather than helped. But she got to use her special Magical Girl Powers!
Whoa…dude… *puff*
Once MOMO’s recovered a bit, she and Ziggy go to take on the incapacitated A.G.W.S. This is one of those “trick” battles where it’s a pain in the ass if you just try to fight straight on, but it’s really easy if you follow a certain pattern. The trick here is using MOMO’s Sheep Beam to put the two green mechs to sleep, which will in turn make the red one smack them awake and deplete their hit points. Then Ziggy hits things, and MOMO heals him with her “nanorepair,” which she nonetheless refers to as “mystic power” when she uses it in battle. Yeah, nanorepair is filled with ancient magic. God. I LOVE THIS GAME! IT IS PERFECT!
Once the A.G.W.S. are dispatched, Ziggy and MOMO reach the now conveniently empty control room, with its even more convenient save point. I bet it’s going to be smooth sailing from here! They won’t run into any problems between the save point and their escape!
Not so fast! Just when they’re about to reach the end of the docks, the cyborg and the Realian are confronted by Margulis. He, of course, wishes them a safe trip and gives MOMO a lollipop for being such a good girl while he babysat. Or not. Instead, he–SURPRISE!–pulls out a sword, which he uses to conjure up a big-ass blast of fire. MadLibs!Margulis says, “I see. It’s that delectable metal bosom of yours that got you into my bedroom.” He continues, “Still, what a sexy, erotic cake. I can’t believe that penis is made out of buttercream frosting.”
Buttercream penises. Yeah, I think that’s about it for my sanity.
“Ziggy,” MOMO says fearfully, “this is the guy…” I think we’ll just leave the implications of that unspoken. “Yeah, I know,” Ziggy says. He’s crackling with electricity from Margulis’s phallic fire spell. Margulis smirks, no doubt thinking about how hot that is. “Looks like I’m about to get some decent nachos.” Rubbing his sword with obvious homoerotic lust, he adds, “And this baby’s quite pleased as well.” I just couldn’t change that one. It was too funny.
You might have guessed that this exchange is the lead-in to a boss battle. Ten points to Gryffindor. Facing Margulis, Ziggy says, “MOMO, be careful! He’s no ordinary enemy.” Well, in the sense that he’s actually kind of a pain in the ass. In the sense that he’s in love with himself, he has a sword, and he talks a lot, he’s very ordinary.
At any rate, this battle is just a matter of staying alive long enough to do enough damage. MOMO works her “mystic powers” and blows a lot of ether-replenishing items so Margulis’s strong, rhythmic sword thrusts don’t impale kill her bodyguard. Ziggy, in turn, uses his built-in corkscrew to ream Margulis in the butthole. Or he kicks and punches him. Whichever you prefer. The battle automatically ends when Ziggy’s done a certain amount of damage, but before Margulis is actually defeated. Advancing on MOMO, he quips in a lamely evil manner. Ziggy chooses this moment to set off the remote-control explosives he planted earlier. While Margulis stands stoically in the middle of the firestorm, they run toward a ready ship. This isn’t a criticism of Ziggy or anything, but he seems constantly pick the path of least resistance. I guess Ziggurat Industries must have cut off his wang or something, because he doesn’t seem to get the testosterone surges that usually precede acts of idiotic and manly bravery.
Before Ziggy jumps into their escape vehicle, he takes a quick look back in Terminator!Vision. He seems to be scanning for something, though for the life of me I don’t know what it is. It could be my shitty tape quality, it could be nothing at all, or it could be something miniscule and insignificant that I’ll get thirty emails about. Whatever it is, Ziggy must decide it’s nothing too interesting, because he quickly gets in the ship and they get the hell out of Dodge. Some U-GEE pursuit ships immediately follow.
Meanwhile, Margulis didn’t die. Shocking, I know. Sword glowing, he emerges from the blaze, and not even lethal levels of smoke inhalation will keep him from talking to no one about nothing. “Thorough, isn’t he…” he drones. “And probably a tiger in the sack, too.” As he watches his men put out fires, he slowly and lovingly sheathes his weapon. And judging by the visuals (see the caption), his scabbard is in his pants. Hoo hoo!
This explains a lot.
Turning to his right, Margulis tells someone, “You’re late.” The late person stops a few yards away and leers evilly and silently at him. This guy seems to have a thing for white. He’s wearing a white cape, white shoulderpads, and he has white hair. I’m sure this is just a design detail, and there won’t be any symbolism or meaning behind the color scheme. Adding to the man’s personal décor is a white-haired clone of MOMO at his side. The clone, disgustingly enough, seems to be wearing a naughty nurse outfit, complete with naughty nurse hat. Ew. And that is all we get to see. Which is fine with me. I get the distinct feeling Mr. White here is going to be eighteen times the talker Margulis is, and I’ve had enough of that shit for one recap.
Back to Ziggy and MOMO, who are winging their way through the galaxy. Ziggy is reflecting on his last confusing look at the dock, and he and the game still refuse to let me in on the goddamn joke. Instead, Ziggy tells MOMO to find them a gate out of the area as soon as possible. “I want to get back on our return path, once we shake off the pursuit,” he adds. Until now, I had entirely forgotten they were being chased, because their ship is traveling at roughly the speed of an 85-year-old woman in a Lincoln sedan who’s had her right blinker on for the last seven miles. MOMO finds a gate, and they zip into it, with U-GEE hot on their heels. Fade out.
Well, my efforts to stay happy for my brief Shion vacation have been pretty much in vain. And next time, the bint is back. Sigh. To add insult to injury, in the next recap, the bint will be force-feeding her home cookin’ down the throat of my beloved Captain Matthews. Also next time, Shion takes another fucking tour of another fucking ship, and there are more flashbacks and Wang moments. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lie face-down in the bathtub.