We find out through clumsy exposition that the next morning is the fateful day they will awaken KOS-MOS. Kevin, the current head of the project, is nervous about it. He and Shion stare with longing at KOS-MOS’s Big Black Phallus home. “Tomorrow, she’s finally going to wake up,” Kevin says wistfully. “I’m looking forward to seeing her come to life, but…I have no idea what to say to her when she wakes up.” Now is the time for Shion to impart her incredible wisdom: “Why don’t you just say…’Good morning, KOS-MOS’?” Kevin looks pained. “G…good morning?” he asks shakily. Shion elaborates, her voice gaining perkiness by the second. “Well, that’s what you say to someone when they wake up, right?” Kevin stares at her. I think for a second that he’s about to smack her for being so base, but to my dismay, he turns out to be blissfully stupid, too. A grin spreads across his face as he thanks Shion for her wonderful suggestion. I, in the meantime, hide under my desk and cry weakly, for Shion’s incredible idiocy has broken my fragile spirit. Why, in the face of such undeniable vapidity, does everyone insist on acting as if Shion is anything more than an empty-headed bimbo? WHY?
But I press on, because dealing with stupid wankers is just what we do at VGR. After all of this “good morning” business that makes me wants to rip my hair out, Shion and Kevin exchange Meaningful Glances and Kevin touches Shion tenderly on the shoulder, so we know for sure that there’s something between them. I try to ignore the bile rising up in my throat. But thankfully, Shion’s True Lurve Flashback is at an end.
‘It’s…so…big!’
Back in the cargo bay, Shion shocks me by wanking to herself. “Yeah… Everybody’s so eager to see her…” She stares up at the Golden Penis Plate, lost in thought (I use that term loosely). But all “thought” of KOS-MOS is driven from Shion’s head as she has another creepy vision. There’s a ping noise, and the colors in the scene invert themselves in a flash. We get a brief glimpse of that godforsaken cross necklace (!) from Xenogears. Then Shion sees Miss Red appear again, out of the GPP. It’s only now that I notice Red, spitting image of Elly, is wearing said cross necklace. Hoo boy. The screen fades to white, and all of a sudden Shion and Red are in a misty graveyard, and in black and white. But how will the fanboys stand not having Shion’s wiggly ass in full, vivid color?! Close-up on the cross necklace resting on Red’s chest. She’s talking, but there’s no sound and no subtitles, so for all we know she’s cussing out Shion for being such a bint. It makes me feel better to think of it that way, anyway. Whatever she’s saying, Shion just listens with her usual deer-in-the-headlights stare. Red, finished with her silent speech, turns away and disappears, leaving Shion alone with the Shades of Gray Penis Plate. She begins to walk toward it, drawn to touch its firm penis-ness. It begins to ripple (oh, that sounds so dirty) as her hand nears it. Right before she can make contact, Strickland’s voice snaps her out of her reverie. Thank God–I think my snark sensor would explode if I had to see Shion touching such a large phallic object.
Strickland shouts at Shion to get the hell away from the Golden Penis Plate, and she jumps backward just in time to miss being brained by one of the mechanical devices circling it. Damn! Strickland bellows, “I’ve had three people vanish on me already!” Wait, you mean she, too, would have vanished if she had touched the Golden Penis Plate? Damn damn! Being deprived of Shion-death would have ruined my day, but Strickland goes out of his way to make it up to me: “My men’ll start slacking off if they see bimbos like you around!” Whoo, go Strickland! Shion runs away in embarrassment. It’s like all my dreams are coming true!
My new favorite person in the world goes back to punching and kicking people, and I get to control Shion again. I can hardly contain my excitement. She speaks to all the NPCs in the area and then moves on to the next corridor, where there’s some maintenance equipment. Shion is absently walking through this area, staring down at her hand and miraculously not walking into anything, when Corey finally catches up to her. He yells at her several times before he gets her attention, because she’s still staring at her hand, no doubt wondering what the Golden Penis Plate would have felt like. Oh, now I’ve gone and made myself ill. Corey chastises Shion for being absent-minded, before handing her the data. “You know, it’s dangerous wandering around in a daze like that,” he says, like Shion would actually listen to anything he tells her. She apologizes, saying she was “just thinking about something.” Yeah, right. There’s another Ping!Flash that signals another of Shion’s insane visions of Red, but when she turns around no one is there. She walks off with Corey, not noticing Red standing there staring at her. There’s that Enigmatic Character Anvil, dropping on my head again.
Shion and Corey walk side by side down the corridor. Suddenly she thanks him for “stepping in” back in the lab when she was questioned about KOS-MOS. Corey, of course, tells her it was his fault for not talking to Blue Hair Unitard #2 earlier about the issue. Yes, nothing is ever Shion’s fault. But, Corey says, she should try to understand how their Unitard employees feel, since they’ve been working so hard on KOS-MOS and want to see the fruit–heh–of their labor. Shion looks all upset, and Corey intimates that he understands her apprehension, what with that tragic accident two years ago that no one cares to explain. “Huh?” she says, imitating Tidus. “Oh…I see…you’re…” To round off this absorbing explanation, she finishes, “Sorry. That’s…not…quite…it.” You know, if she’s going to be a bald-faced liar like this, at least she could do us and Corey the courtesy of stringing together a coherent sentence in the process.
Shion’s just about to get the subject away from the “incident,” but she doesn’t need to–she receives a notice or an email or something, asking for her presence in the Realian maintenance lab. Whatever Realians are. Corey whines about this. It seems that the Realian lab keeps leaning on Girl Genius Shion to help them, even though Shion’s got a heap of her own work to do. But Girl Genius Shion is also Good-Hearted Shion, and Good-Hearted Shion always gives help to those in need. All this subtle as a bull in a china shop hinting at Shion’s sweet nature is totally changing my mind about her! I think I’ll stop calling her a stupid hosebeast right now. But first, I need to go down to Hell and have a snowball fight with Satan, the Easter Bunny and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Apparently engineers are qualified therapists now.
Corey brings up a good point: “Besides, aren’t they expecting you on the bridge?” Why yes, they have been for a good twenty minutes now! But never underestimate the power of Shion!Wank. “Oh, don’t worry about it,” she says dismissively. “I don’t want to brush them off. Besides, it’s on the way, and I’ve got some time.” By my watch, she’s late already at this point, but Shion’s internal clock is about 22 years slow. She wiggles off, leaving Corey with his mouth hanging open. And only then does he remember that he wanted to ask her out. It’s all right, Corey. You don’t realize it now, but it’s all for the best.
On her way to the Realian lab, Shion stops off in her room to grab some more data she didn’t have handy. She makes even the most absent-minded of my professors look like organizational geniuses, I tell you. The Connection Gear vibrates excitedly as she returns to the corridor, signaling the receipt of another email. This one is from Shion’s favorite verbal punching bag, Miyuki. She’s so happy that the M.W.S. worked well for Shion in the simulations that she’s sent a physical model to Shion via, um, space-mail. What a nice girl, even if her weapon design makes no sense. Of course, Shion sees fit to read the email with skepticism and make a snide remark. Poor Miyuki.
All chicks are obsessed with weight loss–didn’t you know?
Shion enters the Realian lab and is greeted by a doctor, Lieutenant Caspase. As we already know, he’s been having Realian-related problems and needs Shion to help him out. The news is that Realians are artificial people. The Realians on the Hoglinde were created for combat purposes, and the Lieutenant is having difficulties installing new battle programming. So what does Shion have to do? Why, it’s so simple and logical: she has to talk to all of the Realians about their emotions. Kill me.
There’s a lot of insipid cute dialogue between Shion and the Realians, most of whom are having some kind of emotional reaction to something, but don’t recognize it for what it is. The most amusing of these is a Realian woman who feels all hot and bothered whenever she’s near our very own Corey Feldman. Not so much amusing because she likes Corey (that falls under “disturbing”) but because of the bizarre dialogue that follows Shion’s initial conversation with her, which I will recap verbatim:
Shion: Hmm, it’s no good. I don’t know what the cause is!
(What? She can’t tell?!)
Shion: Could it possibly be that [Corey] is emitting strange waves?
(No, that’s not it, she probably has a crush on [Corey]…)
Shion: I guess we’ll need to examine [Corey]!
(She’s off…she’s WAY off base.)
I went through this dialogue four times without understanding what the fuck was going on. It was brought to my attention by someone much more observant than I that the thoughts in parentheses are actually those of a nearby nurse, who is thinking to herself that Shion is a clueless moron. It’s like the writers realized the task of making fun of Shion was too much for one person, and thus gave me some random NPCs to help lighten the load. How thoughtful!
It’s called ‘irony,’ you big silly.
A person at another computer terminal explains that the Realians are all messed up in the head because the stress of the new programming is “getting to them.” Their young brains haven’t fully developed or something, and it leads to emotional distress. Well, at least I’m left with this whole thing making some kind of sense. Once all the Realians have been psychoanalyzed, Caspase thanks Shion for her help. His thanks include some ass-kissing. Yay, just what I wanted to hear. “You know,” he says, “I’m really impressed. Providing Realian psych support on top of developing KOS-MOS. I hear even specialized counselors have a hard time…” We freaking get it, guys. Shion is Speeeeeeeshul. Shion brushes off the praise, and mentions “making the most of what [her] mentor taught [her].” I guess she means Kevin. In addition we find out that Shion’s always wanted to work with Realians for a living, and that she wants to transfer to the Third R&D Division of Vector once her work on KOS-MOS is completed. “But Vector’s First R&D Division has the best researchers in the organization!” Caspase exposits. “Everyone knows not just anyone can get in there. Are you sure that you want to transfer?” Shion, finally taking stock of how smart she’s perceived to be, replies, “Oh, yes! Besides, my family’s always asking, ‘How did you get assigned to the First Division? There must have been a mistake in the paperwork…'” This tiny bit of dialogue gives me a glimmer of hope that the entire Uzuki family isn’t afflicted with some kind of stupid gene.