‘I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!’

Well, whatever Shion thinks about taking another trip on the Durandick, Corey is just jazzed. Thanks to the ship’s Gnosis-killing ejaculative power, he says he feels safer than he did on the Elsa. Plus, he adds, the rooms have “jacuzzis and minibars.” No one laughs at the mental image of Corey sitting in a hot tub (alone, of course) while getting drunk off mini-bottles of Jack Daniels. Well, except for me. I’m still laughing, actually. Meanwhile, Shion is shaking her head at how “easily swayed” Corey is, presumably because he was previously so suspicious of anyone linked to the Kukai Foundation. Of course, she’s been the one harping on him this whole time to just blindly accept them for the wonderful people they are. It’s funny how, when she can’t find something to rag him about, she just makes something up. And yet he’s still infatuated with her.

Now that Shion has seen the sights of the Durandick, found MOMO and eased her robotic mind, it’s time for some well-earned rest. As she leaves the park, Shion receives an email containing a fairly large monetary return on the investment she just made. This allows for a quick shopping trip before bedtime, so I can at least buy all the stuff I supposedly should have been able to afford earlier. How exciting. Another email before Shion reaches the shuttle is about the capture of that pesky hacker, a guy named Lev Vandevorst who goes by the appropriately phallic handle Snake Charmer. I think I’d have an erotic handle too if I had that clunker of a real name. The email tells an unnecessarily long and boring story regarding the details of Snake Charmer’s capture, before thanking Shion for all her assistance. You know what? I give up on trying to make sense of this. Because the only thing I can figure is that someone is playing my game save while I’m sleeping and is playing through all these parts with Shion working tirelessly to stop Mr. Snake.

A.I. Bunny and Shion chat a little bit about the hacker. I tell you, I live for these conversations between Shion and her imaginary cyber friend. Especially when they fill the discussion with psychoanalysis and moral judgment. Shion always knows how to please me. …Please, for the love of God, understand that that was sarcasm. Christ. I think I need to punch myself in the face for that mental image.

Shit, what is wrong with me. Anyway, Bunny and Shion come to the consensus that Mr. Snake’s mental defects or deviant lifestyle or whatever it turns out to be will come to light when he is prosecuted. Bunny says that the hacker case is finally over forever and ever, amen. “There’s no need for us to dwell on it anymore,” it adds. I’m kind of wondering if there was ever a need to dwell on it, but that’s just me being a hater again. Also, I’m bitter because I know it’s not over. Sigh.

Upon arrival at the residential area, Shion gets another goddamn email. I’m starting to have some serious Hoglinde flashbacks. It’s an ad for AceCombat 04. Why, I think I’ll go buy that right now! Oh, wait. No.

Shion makes it to her bed without any further interruptions, and after she goes to sleep we cut to space and the Durandick. The ship is approaching a large object in space that looks like a folded-up ceiling fan. The transparent dome (the light fixture, if you will) contains a city with a perfectly circular lake in the center. The gang, minus the Wang but Shion included, stares at the structure from the Durandick’s park. Shion must have slept for, what, five minutes? This floating space colony is revealed to be the Kukai Foundation. MOMO, her hands and face up against the window, says, “I can’t wait to see the [Durandick] turned into a skyscraper… It’s so beautiful…” What, Shion wonders aloud, is MOMO talking about? “We’re…going to dock, just like this?” she asks Jailbait. No, Shion, the ship is going to dismantle itself in space and fly, one piece at a time, into the dock. Jesus. Corey tells her what he saw in the galactic AAA travel guide: that the Durandick is “one of the most famous landmarks in the Foundation.” Shion’s all, “I wouldn’t know, because I love my job so much that I don’t waste my time reading vacation guides, Corey.” I mean, she could have just said she didn’t know about it–it’s not like anyone needs an explanation for Shion being ignorant of something.

MOMO announces that the ship is docking as we see the Durandick’s…um…head moving toward the bottom of the Kukai Foundation. A dark hole in the bottom of the Foundation, to be precise. Then, as gently as possible (which can’t be too gentle, given how pointy the thing is), the ship enters the Kukai Foundation. We know it’s gentle and consensual because there are no explosions, like there were with the Durandick’s violation of that U-GEE Mothership. The Durandick continues to push its entire length into the rear of the Foundation. I’m sure Shion, in her head, is jealously screaming, “That BITCH!!!”

The finest metal-on-metal pornography, brought to you by VGR.

Cut to the interior of the Foundation, where the Durandick’s point breaks the surface of the lake. If the Kukai Foundation were animate, I’m sure we would be hearing some serious moaning right about now. The shaft of the ship is soon sticking up above the water, towering higher and higher above the other buildings inside the Kukai Foundation. We get a shot from the Durandick again, where everyone is still standing upright, but everything is sideways. I am going to just leave this alone and assume there is some sort of scientific explanation for this sodomy of gravity, because, really, there’s much more interesting sodomy going on here right now. The Durandick has finally stopped its epic thrust, the point of it nearly touching the ceiling of the dome, and we get a long pan out of the majestic red penis, holding lord and domain over all the other wannabe penis buildings. Hail to the King.

The whole gang except for Jailbait is positively wowed by this “beautiful” display, in MOMO’s words. While they’re all gawping, a man with black hair in a black suit shows up in the park with Busty and Chesty as his escorts. “New Year’s Eve is the best time to visit,” our monochromatic visitor says, to alert the group to his presence. “The evening metropolis is quite a sight to behold with all her lights.” I wonder if the Durandick shoots fireworks from its tip when the clock strikes midnight. That’d be something to see.

So we don’t wonder one more agonizing second who this man is, Ziggy identifies him as “Gaignun Kukai. The managing director of the Kukai Foundation.” Shion’s head snaps up, and she’s staring at Gaignun like she’s never seen a sexier wealthy man in her life. But seeing his face, she blurts out, “[Jailbait]…?” Gaignun hears her, but she plays it off as nothing. Now, let’s hold on one moment. I’m not going to play dumb about this. We know that Gaignun is the little boy with black hair whom Jailbait held in his arms during his dream sequence earlier. In that scene, yes, Jailbait and Gaignun were identical except for their hair color. But I simply do not see how Shion can take one look at Gaignun and see a shocking resemblance, to the point of gasping aloud about it. Because the difference in aging has removed a lot of the physical similarities–they don’t look that alike. He does look like a black-haired version of Albedo, but of course, Shion doesn’t know that. Gaignun offers to shake her hand, at which point Shion notices the number 669 in red on his palm. Shion is taken aback, but attempts, poorly, to hide it as she shakes hands with him. I’m sure she’s just flustered at seeing a guy with a 69 tattoo. Gaignun had better watch out, or Shion’s going to have her hooks in him before dinnertime.

Gaignun tells Shion that Matthews and CHAOS!!! have informed him of her situation. Of course, he’s Very Concerned and wants to know if there’s anything he can do for her. Shion is fine, so Gaignun moves on after a curt nod of the head to Corey, who looks embarrassed beyond belief that he was even acknowledged. Part of the territory when spending that much time with Shion–everyone’s so obsessed with her welfare that Corey could probably die jackin’ it on the toilet and no one would notice his absence for weeks.

Shion, with her hand still out like she thinks he’s still standing there, is distressed that she behaved “so rudely” to Gaignun, a total stranger. Compared to how rude she’s been to people she knows well (Corey, Jin)? This is small potatoes. Gaignun, meanwhile, has moved on to introduce himself to MOMO. He kneels down to her height and puts a hand on her shoulder. “I’ve received word from [Yuri] Mizrahi of the [Jedi Council],” he tells her. “We’ll make sure you get to Miltia safely.” She’s all, “OMG, Mommy?” and Gaignun affirms this, indulging her in her sad delusion that her mother loves her. Of course, he adds that she “seemed pretty busy” when MOMO asks if she can talk to her. Yes, MOMO, Mommy loves you…just not right now. No, tomorrow’s not looking too good, either.

As Gaignun, Chesty and Busty are leaving the area, Gaignun casts back a positively sinister glance at Shion and Corey. His lovely green eyes glow–in an evil way–for a moment, and then he says, “No… It can’t be…” I don’t know. Maybe he has X-ray vision and he just saw that Shion’s boobs are real.

Cut to a well-adorned office, complete with mahogany furniture and decadent curtains. Apparently Gaignun’s sense of style does not stop at his dapper wardrobe. (Well, that crazy flamboyant left lapel is a little strange, but it’s still, in essence, a sexy black suit. Anyway.) Jailbait is reclining with his feet up on Gaignun’s desk and telling the older man about KOS-MOS. He’s thinking about how KOS-MOS “resonated” with the Golden Penis Plates and how he doesn’t like strange robot girls touching his toys. Gaignun says, “The Hilbert Effect”–I have no idea why–and notes that the original KOS-MOS archetype was “lost” a while ago. Gaignun is, essentially, suspicious of the KOS-MOS Project in general, and of Shion in particular. “I think she might be on to us…” Gaignun says. Whoa. Is there some illicit man-boy love going on here? Did Shion blurt out Jailbait’s name upon meeting Gaignun because she could sense Gaignun’s pedo eyes leering at Jailbait across the room? Is Shion going to call social services? Gaignun finishes his thought, “…and our powers.” Oh.

Jailbait is skeptical. “No way,” he says. “She’s just an ordinary human.” Gaignun whips around. “She might not be as ordinary as you think.” The way everybody in this game acts? By the end of the series she’ll probably be giving birth, via immaculate conception, to a CHAOS!!! clone who will save the universe with the power of his immense pecker. And they’ll expect us to believe all that. Really, now. Shion, a virgin? I’m not gullible. Jailbait, however, isn’t too worried about the possibility of the universe one day praying to the Holy Whore. She’s a normal enough slutty engineer, he says. Even if she is involved in super-classified stuff. Jailbait mentions that someone named Helmer is also involved in the same project. Well, if Helmer is a guy, I guess that’s one more person on Shion’s “sleep my way to the top” ladder. She’s nothing if not career-minded.

While Gaignun angsts and looks through his drapes at the city below, Jailbait says they should “lay off the Mizrahi talk for a while.” Gaignun correctly interprets this as concern for poor widdle MOMO’s feewings. “Don’t look at me like that,” Jailbait whines, a little defensively. “You think she likes being called the child of a madman?” Gaignun says nothing, but he’s no doubt wondering why he’s getting this lecture, since he hasn’t said one mean thing about Mizrahi to MOMO. But it turns out this is just an excuse for Jailbait to spout some frustrating vaguery about our favorite basketcase. “After all,” Jailbait tells Gaignun, “we were both there when Mizrahi finally met his end. We saw what happened.” And more to the point, he says, MOMO was his Realian so it’s likely Mizrahi programmed her to see him as Walt Disney, Mother Theresa and Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie, all rolled into one. So, he finishes, “That’s why I want you to lay off when you’re around her.” It’s so cute that Jailbait’s trying to alleviate his guilt about MOMO by reprimanding someone who didn’t do anything. Gaignun indulges Jailbait’s ridiculous behavior, and suggests that he take MOMO on a date to the beach if he’s so worried about her well being. Jailbait gets all defensive again–he seems bound and determined to dispel Gaignun of the notion that he’s into MOMO like that. Oh, just make out already.

Jailbait gets up from behind the desk to pace across the room in a sulky manner, but he doesn’t get very far before Gaignun chucks a box at him to open. He smirks and says nothing when Jailbait asks him what it is. Oh, how sweet, a present. Jailbait finds a child-size handgun in the box, which he jubilantly labels a “stainless-steel finish Makarov.” Whatever that is. I don’t know about guns, and I don’t really care to know anything, either, so I don’t need emails about any Deep Significance regarding the model of the gun. As far as I’m concerned, the only Deep Significance is that Gaignun just gave his underage boyfriend a phallic object as a gift. Gaignun tries to downplay it, saying he won it at an auction, but aww! Their love is so pure! Well, pure if you don’t think of it as illegal and borderline incestuous.

Heeeeee.

Gaignun leaves Jailbait with his toy, after the standard warnings to be careful with it. “Remember, you’re older than I am,” he says as he goes through the door. “Try to act like it once in a while, all right?” After the door closes, we can hear Jailbait whoop and shout, “Sweeeet!” My God, could he be any more adorable?

We now return to Shion, who is alone in her jacuzzi- and minibar-free living quarters. I wonder why Corey got the deluxe accommodations and not Shion. Not that I’m complaining about the lack of a hot tub in her room. I’m quite happy about it, actually. Anyway, Shion is sitting at the table in her room and moping some more when there’s a knock on the door. It’s Corey, come to fetch her to do maintenance on KOS-MOS or something. And for what feels like the ten thousandth time in this recap, he has to ask her what’s bothering her. “Maybe it’s just me,” he says, “but…you’ve been acting gloomy ever since we boarded this ship.” Yeah, it’s just you. Not. Shion is still insisting that she’s fine, just fine, and is surprised Corey thinks she’s acting like anything’s wrong. Really, now. Morissey crooning in the background couldn’t make her seem any more depressed. Corey basically says that, to which Shion responds, “Oh, I just have a lot on my mind…I’m sure that’s all it is…” Well, Shion, when you’re depressed, it tends to have something to do with what you’re thinking about, no matter how bad you are at thinking. Jesus. Corey’s just about to lend a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on, like helping Shion deal with her feelings is going to give him any more of a chance to get her in the sack, when Jailbait bursts in, all full of pith and vinegar. And, more than likely, sugar. Nearly barreling into poor Corey, he shouts out, “Hey Shion, let’s go out and play!” No, for real, that’s what he says. I am so going to burn in hell.