“Well…I hope you’ll be able to…understand someday,” Shion says, like it’s KOS-MOS who’s stupid and not her. She’s not fooling anyone. But the good news is that Shion’s wanking is over with for this scene. She asks Corey to get the tests going as she saunters her way over to KOS-MOS, her butt moving like a freaking metronome. I’ve barely even become acquainted with it, and I already hate Shion’s ass. I feel as if the entire purpose of its existence is to irritate me.
Corey tells the girls and I that the droids in this test area are set to “random movement” and “enemy ambush.” This means they pace back and forth in the same place until they spot Shion, at which point they bull-charge. Hey, at least they’re not random and invisible. But before we get to them, it’s time for my favorite thing in the whole world…a tutorial! YAY!
Loading ...The tutorial area is entirely different from the previous area–it’s just an empty white room with a large, red Vector Industries logo on the floor. Shion and KOS-MOS are in the company of one random soldier drone, whom Shion must approach for each practice battle. She must first, though, set the parameters of each battle with KOS-MOS. You should note that the list of battle tutorials does not have to be taken in any particular order, and that it is possible to just skip the whole damn thing and go straight to actual combat. But part of being a recapper is prolonging my own pain for your amusement, so we’re doing the damn tutorials anyway. See how much I love you people?
The first tutorial is for normal attacks. You wouldn’t think such a thing would require a tutorial, but I learned to expect anything after Square taught me how to walk. Basically, different buttons attack in different ways, just like in Xenogears. The square button is generally for a physical attack, and the triangle button is for an ether attack. Okay, simple enough. But just to give me that “punished by God” feeling as often as possible, I get to hear the Shion x KOS-MOS camp’s mantra at the end of the battle: “My external appearance is down five percent. Shion, I need to be cleaned.” Goddamn you and your wanky fanboy ways, writers.
Following this first tutorial, Shion’s fan-servicey figure flashes for a few moments. Anyone who has ever played a videogame knows what this signifies, but Corey feels compelled to explain regardless: “Oh yeah, Chief, almost forgot to mention about the body flashing phenomenon.” I should be thankful that at least he’s not referring to Shion flashing her boobs at the camera. “After a battle, you’ll flash for a few seconds. [*twitch*] During this time, you won’t trigger a new battle, even if you come into contact with the enemy. [*TWITCH*] Remember this, okay?” The saddest part about this whole exchange is that we’re led to believe Shion doesn’t already know this. Was she born yesterday, and then kept under a rock for the first 23 hours and 59 minutes?
The next battle lesson involves learning tech attacks. The not-anal explanation is that tech attacks use ability points. You build up said AP with regular attacks. Each character gets a whole buttload of different tech attacks, but due to the nature of the gameplay it’s unnecessary (and rather stupid) to mix them up in battle. Instead, I get to use the same techs over and over and over for hours on end. This means I get to hear Shion wankily cry “Spell RAY!” 452360298347 times in battles with Gnosis. This, in turn, makes me want to spork my eyes out. So my progression of thought here is Techs –> Wank –> Sporking. Obviously, this puts me at odds with the tech attack system.
But KOS-MOS’s techs are neato.
Even KOS-MOS has a penis. They’re everywhere!
Third comes a lesson on the submenu. Ether = magic. Item = item. Move = move. A.G.W.S. = big fucking mech. Guard = Guard. Moving on. There’s also some unimportant stuff about boosting and abusing the turn system to get bonus points and critical hits. I only bring it up so the most severely annoying of Xenosaga fanboys don’t yell at me for leaving out crucial details of the battle system. So there you are, gentlemen. Move your hands slowly away from your keyboards. And keep them above the desk, where we can see them, please.
Now that we’ve “learned” the basics, it’s time for real combat. Thus far the enemies have just stood there waiting to die. Now they’re going to–gasp!–fight back. Shion, to her credit (I will not say that often), doesn’t curl up into a frightened ball on the floor and make KOS-MOS do everything; rather, she takes the fightey!bad guys in stride and as usual, sways drunkenly on her spindly toothpick legs between turns. Really–she moves like a balloon tethered to the ground. This description is doubly accurate because it implies that Shion’s head is filled with helium. Anyway. Despite this battle’s label as “real” combat, the Tutorial God (or Corey, perhaps) explains exactly how to attack the enemies–in what order, with what kind of techs, and so on. I’m guessing (and hoping) that not all battles will feature this sort of Dilbert-esque micromanagement. I’d have to be a drooling moron to screw this battle up, so within moments it’s over, and so is the tutorial.
Back in the lab, Corey and the other Unitards writhe in giddiness over the great research data they’re getting from all this. Shion, now returned to the warehouse area with KOS-MOS, agrees that things are going swimmingly, but she’s all melancholy about it. I fear another wankst breakout, but I’m spared for the moment. Unfortunately, for the Sad!Shion I lose, I gain a heaping helping of Stupid!Shion. Right after Corey and Co. have finished discussing how well the 300 tests will go (whatever that means), Shion tells Corey to skip ’em and go straight to 400 (whatever that means). Corey tells her it’s a stupid idea, and I’m sure he’s right, but he does so in a positively snivelly way. Not that Shion would listen to him anyway, since She Is So SMRT Smart.
Corey continues to make objections, for Shion’s own safety. He obviously has a huge crush on his boss, and whiner or not, I feel sorry for him for being in love with Miss Wanky Assets Jiggler. Shion, for her part, continues to dismiss his concerns. “I’ll be fine. If something happens, I’ll get myself out.” I can only pray that something does happen, and that I’m correct in assuming she’s too dumb and incompetent to make good on her promise. Spineless Corey finally lets her have her way, but insists that he’s going to shut down the program if anything goes badly. He nags Shion into being a good girl and not fucking around, to which she replies, “Okay…Mom.” Well, excuse him for caring whether you live or die. Why would Corey–or anyone, for that matter–like this girl, again?
‘Disappointed’ would be more accurate.
To himself, Corey wanks on a little more about Shion making him miserable. “…Jeez. This is so typical of her. Will she ever stop to think about the hell I go through for her?” Yes, Corey, because it’s all about YOU. Did YOU ever stop to think about how I have to put up with her? Hmm? A couple other Unitards look up from their work to make fun of Corey’s obvious unrequited LURVE. True to his name, Corey can’t take this with any sense of humor or grace and yells at his underlings to get back to work. They snicker along with me behind his back.
Inside Encephalon, it’s time for Shion to actually know something about what they’re doing. I’m shocked to the core. She explains to KOS-MOS that this warehouse area is based off of “some ruins from early 2000 A.D.” So now we can assume that Something Bad Happened to Earth. Something bad always happens to Earth. Their target in this test exercise is to find a red Vector box inside one of the buildings. I’m glad I now know what I’m supposed to do, but this is still extremely clumsy writing. We find out later that Encephalon is basically creating a virtual reality inside KOS-MOS’s own head. So why does Shion need to explain to her stuff that she, by definition, already knows? Maybe they thought if KOS-MOS and Corey did all the explaining, then Shion would look stupid and uninformed. This is a counterproductive way to look at it, because the more Shion speaks, the more stupid and uninformed she appears to be. Funny, that.
The first thing Shion does is run to the left of the starting point and climb up a ladder. Ladder-climbing increases her ass-gyration by about 500 percent. Needless to say, from now on I’m going to avoid ladders if I can help it. At the top of the ladder she finds a door leading to a treasure chest, but it’s being guarded by a soldier. There’s a big red canister nearby, and upon pressing square when it’s targeted, Shion blows it up with a thing called a Connection Gear. I will call it the Boom Stick, because like all good nerd girls I have a thing for Bruce Campbell. And when I say “nerd girl,” please do not confuse me with Shion. As much as the game designers would like you to think so, Shion is not a nerd girl. She is Rinoa with a pair of glasses.
Official stance of vapid, slutty girls everywhere.
At any rate, the Boom Stick blows up the canister, which creates a big firestorm in the room–this increases boost levels or something. As opposed to horribly burning everyone in the vicinity. Of course, the box contains cheap healing items. That was so worth it. Shion and KOS-MOS clear out the main outdoor area before heading inside. The red box they’re looking for is right at the entrance, but Shion needs a Mission Key to get to it. The key is found quickly enough–it’s in plain sight through a window, but the door to the room is locked. Lemme guess–the key to the room with the key will be behind another locked door, to which I’ll have to find a key, ad infinitum. This is so stupid.
Near the save point, Shion and KOS-MOS have to battle a mini-boss, just so the game designers can throw in another tutorial about using A.G.W.S. As I said before, that acronym is what we calls mechs in the Xenosaga-verse. KOS-MOS can’t use them, but Shion has a purty red one that’s apparently a Vector prototype. (Someone must like her. That someone is not me.) Using A.G.W.S. amounts to getting into one and attacking over and over, because you can’t use techs or ether while in one. Real exciting stuff. Not monotonous at all. Following the battle, we go back to the lab, where Corey is still trying to be the Responsible Leader, even though everyone under him clearly thinks he’s a prime-cut dork chop. Crew Cut Unitard announces that all the robots and soldiers in the warehouse area are now being changed to fake Gnosis. Gnosis, we immediately see, are ghost-like monsters. Their designs make no sort of biological sense, but neither do Shion’s or KOS-MOS’s body proportions, so just go with it.