End of mourning! As if to signify this, the usual overly-jolly Adlehyde town theme is playing when we fade in to the next scene. Indy and Rudy are in one of the castle’s bedchambers (nudge, wink), just minding their own business, when the PTG butts in and starts doodling on the screen. “One week from the date of the attack…” he scribes at a painfully-slow pace. Hurry it up already. Some of us have a world to save! Indy tries to force a two-sided conversation out of Rudy, only to fail miserably. “This is our destiny!” he blurts out of the blue. “The three of us going after the monsters!” He turns away, before continuing “I really don’t want to do this…but we must fetch the princess. We’re running out of time.” Come now Indy, don’t talk like that! She cut her hair for you guys, remember? That kind of dedication just can’t be forgotten! As much as I would like to leave Cesuelia behind, the damn game won’t advance until we go pick her up, so Rudy and Indy navigate the maze of corridors to reach the princess’ room.
Someone call the fashion police!
Cesuelia has decided to change her clothes again, and is now wearing a truly hideous ensemble comprising of a bright red hairband, a blue jacket and a green skirt, which, when combined with her new 1930s British schoolgirl hairstyle, makes her look like a six-year old on her way to a friend’s birthday party. Actually, a six-year old would probably be a more welcome addition to the party. Cesuelia seems happy with her second fashion faux-pas of the recap, and so the Trio prepares to head out. But before they can all get on with that unimportant saving the world crap, Cesuelia, much like a clingy puppy, needs some attention. “Do you like my hair? It’s a lot easier to manage,” she compliment-fishes, showing off her new ultra-conservative ‘do. Personally I think it looked better post-hack and pre-styling. Not content with just harassing her friends about her hair, she awkwardly reveals “This is easier to move. I can’t sit and cry forever”. No, but there’s a high chance I will if this fucking script doesn’t improve soon.
Gack. …Sorry, I just had to throw up.
She isn’t done yet. “I’m waiting for the rainbow after the rain stops. I’ll be strong again!” she says hopefully, giving me an almost uncontrollable urge to wreak havoc with a cheese-grater. Fortunately for all involved, the conversation ends here. Before leaving the castle, the Trio stops by the meeting room to say goodbye to Minister Johan. I they are very glad they did, as soon as their eagle-eyes spy a line of ten, count’em, ten treasure chests just waiting to be emptied. Before grabbing their swag, however, Johan launches into the obligatory “I’m worried about you all, come back safe!” speech. Cesuelia assures him that all will be fine — after all, the Water Guardian has spoken to her. She finishes by declaring “If you say I am the Shaman Princess of the Guardians, then I’m proud to be the Innocent One”. I have a feeling that another Innocent One (say, 5 years old?) wrote the very lines she’s speaking. In all seriousness, I firmly believe that a chimpanzee locked in a room with a malfunctioning typewriter could have produced a better script than this. Johan creams his corn — “The Princess has had a vision! There is no doubt now. You must follow your destiny, Princess!” — before advising the Trio to head west through the Mountain Pass to the town of Milama. There, he informs them, is a large shrine that Cesuelia simply must visit if she’s serious about the whole “Innocent One” thing. While we’re on the subject, I’m getting heartily sick of having those two words rammed down my throat. So, from now on, every time somebody refers to Cesuelia as the “Innocent One”, I’m going to make a slight modification. That’s right, she is now the Insipid One. Conversation finished, Rudy raids the cluster of chests, gaining some nice items and oodles of Gella.
With nothing more to do in Adlehyde (for now), I try to locate the Mountain Pass. This task is easier said than done, even without the ungodly radar system they introduced later in the series. Yeah, wandering around the World Map tapping at random intervals is so much fun! Eventually (after winding up back at the Berry Cave, Memory Temple and Mary Sue Abbey) I find the cave, a hair’s width away from being driven batshit insane.
Speaking of insane? I’m sure you’re delighted to know that this dungeon could drive anybody to it. Where to start? Okay, the darkness. Yup, roughly 75% of the cavernous dungeon is enshrouded in blackness, except for a tiny circle of light around the Trio as they stumble around like drunken teens, lose their way more times than I care to count, and bump into walls enough times to give them permanent brain damage (insert your own punchline here). Secondly, the weird toxic grass stuff that rapidly depletes the Trio’s HP if they happen to walk over it. Which, as you might imagine, tends to happen a lot when the entire area contains less light than the inside of an unopened tin can. Thirdly, it’s necessary to walk through the dungeon (taking twice as long as dashing) as, when running, Rudy tends to trip over stones on the ground, sending him flying straight into a convenient patch of the Poison Grass of Doom. Fourthly, the ratio of random battles is roughly equal to the number of steps Rudy takes.
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I can’t wait to see the size of the cigarette that thing’s going to light.
In case you haven’t noticed, this isn’t exactly my favourite area of the game. A few screens in, the Trio walks straight into a gigantic cigarette lighter, which turns out to be Indy’s second Tool (doesn’t this game already have enough tools?), allowing him to light the torches dotted sporadically around the cave. This, at least, allows me to see where the hell I’m going, but of course it has a catch — the torches only remain lit for a short amount of time, forcing me to make a mad dash to find the next one before I’m once again plunged into inky blackness and sneakily-placed tufts of fucking annoying poison grass. You know, it’s just struck me that, while I’m finding these early dungeons so irritating, they are nothing compared to some of the sadistic shit I’ll be forced to trudge through later in the game. De Le Metalica, anyone? *shudders*
Some way through the pass, the Trio emerges outside on a rocky cliff edge. As they run walk cautiously across a particularly narrow stretch of path, a sharp wind blows in, carrying bucketloads of leaves along with it. Man, they’re really overusing those leaves. After a few seconds, the gale dissipates as quickly as it appeared. Instead of, I don’t know, trying to get away from the damn cliff edge before another blast comes along, Indy stares thoughtfully into the distance. Scabbers, appearing to channel me, wonders why Indy has a bug up his butt all of a sudden. “These gusts of wind…” Indy replies impatiently. “If I could just harness the power…” This seemingly random scene leads to Indy acquiring a new Fast Draw technique, Sonic Blast. Hmm, doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like Psycho Crack, but since it affects entire groups of enemies, I won’t write it off just yet. Soon enough the Trio ventures back into the depths of the mountain caverns, which means one thing — more monsters, more poison grass, more darkness. Thankfully I soon reach the exit of the pass, which is very fortunate considering that, had I been forced to stumble around in the dark for a second longer, I would have killed the person responsible for creating this dungeon, shortly followed by myself. And what good would that have done, huh?
It takes me considerably less time to locate Milama than it did to find the Mountain Pass, which can only be a good thing. The first person Rudy sees is a female townsperson clone who immediately gushes “This is Milama. Huge, rich and full of water. The oasis of the world!!” Water? Wow. I swear, if I can buy overpriced bottles of the stuff at the item shop, I’m turning the game off. An informative NPC tells Rudy that the pub owner has some valuable information for anyone attempting to enter the shrine, but, for now, Rudy files the snippet of info away in that computer-like brain of his (oops, spoiler!) and continues to explore the surroundings. One NPC mentions a large pyramid to the north, inaccessible for the foreseeable future as the door is sealed by magic. How the hell does he know it’s sealed by magic and not, say, a large heavy door? Is the lock in the shape of a pointed hat or something? Another NPC provides us with some light foreshadowing as he reveals “As you can see, nothing remains of the deep Guardian worship that used to go on here.” Fortunately, he doesn’t continue by declaring that the moral fabric of society is being torn asunder by wrong different faiths, contraception and gay marriage, and that we’re all going to Hell in a handbasket unless we renounce our sinful mortal pleasures. Combined with what I’ve already suffered for the past hour, I don’t think I could have coped.
I really don’t want to know.
Other morsels of information are extracted from various townspeople. The pub owner claims to be the descendant of a Guardian priest, you can never get a drink in the pub as it’s too crowded, yadda yadda. I don’t know why the NPCs aren’t all wearing t-shirts reading “Go to the pub already!!!” Speaking of repeated references, at least two other people mention the fact that humanity has lost its faith in the Guardians. I bet none of this will have any impact on the plot whatsoever. Eventually, I reach the pub, where a green-haired lady talks about “a desolate ocean made of sand”, leading to a town called Ship Graveyard. Apparently, only the crème de la crème of Dream Chasers will ever be able to navigate the sand ocean. Well, by what we’ve seen so far, I guess that means our Trio of Clichés will never get to see the sights of the Ship Graveyard. Sucks to be them!
I really don’t want to know: the sequel.
The pub owner seems pleased that somebody has finally asked him about the Guardian Temple, but asks that the party waits until all the customers have gone. To pass the time, Cesuelia orders five hamburgers…all for her. God, there’s a bulimic if ever I saw one. We cut to a short time later to see Cesuelia polishing off the remains of her feast (for those keeping score, this is the beginning of the series tradition of females with gluttonous tendencies). Indy “can’t believe she had seconds”. Christ, shouldn’t she be discreetly going to the bathroom right about now? “Magic casting requires a lot of energy,” Cesuelia retorts (I guess the same principle applies to spouting line upon line of badly-written bullshit). “That’s why I’m always hungry after a battle. Plus, I love hamburgers. I learned how fun it was to eat through cooking and eating hamburgers at the abbey. Everyone loves me because I’m a princess, not because I’m Cesuelia. If people need me because of what I symbolise, then I shall do what is asked of me. I will retrieve the Tear Drop.”
Loading ...…Shut UP, you cotton-brained dolt. Seriously, I know I’ve seen some pretty bad dialogue in this recap, but that takes the cake. Was it supposed to be character development? Yeah, I view Cesuelia totally differently now that I know she likes hamburgers. I was wrong about her all along! …God, that was the most awkward transition ever. I think I’m getting a migraine.
Proving to be my saviour, the pub owner decides to step in and interrupt her tirade of wank. “There is a room that only priests were permitted to see…” he reveals about the Guardian Shrine. “My father probably wanted me to be a priest because he made me memorize the password to the room.” The password — a predictably cryptic riddle — is reproduced verbatim below.
“Light the fire at 2, then at 10.
When you light the fire at 6, the doors will open at 12.
Go through the temple with the light.”
Don’t worry if you don’t understand — we’ll be figuring it out together in the next recap! I know you can’t wait. With a Holy Medal in hand, the Trio heads off to the temple, but for now I’m outta here. Just a word of caution — don’t eat cheese before bedtime, or you’ll probably have nightmares about horrible dialogue.