‘Assuming I can stay alive long enough to cast it!’

This is WAY too much fun.

With my inner 12-year-old satisfied for now (and yes, I realise that sounds completely wrong) Rudy and his new friends leave to take care of business. And yet again, the hero and his party are the only ones who can possibly rectify a bad situation. This is something that has always puzzled me. Just once, it would be great to see a group of RPG heroes sitting around, doing a fat lot of nothing because nobody needs them to solve their problems.

Lolithia’s Tomb lies a stone’s throw from the town, and before long the party is being briefed by Emma. “Past the room with the spooky demon statue lies a…huge fucking monster,” she reveals, minus the last three words. I don’t understand why she decides not to tell them about the biggest monster in the place. I mean, wouldn’t giving them a fair warning increase their chances of killing the damn thing and getting the excavation back on track? God, this game. “You’ll be fine!” Emma concludes. “With confidence, one can even learn to fly.” With this laughably forced nugget of foreshadowing out of the way, Rudy can finally blast through the wall behind her and get on with the slayin’.

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The dungeon itself is fairly dull, but a neat touch (and one that will be apparent in the few-hundred other dungeons in the game) is that all three of the Cliché Trio have to use their individual Tools to bypass puzzles and obstacles. For example, Rudy uses his explody toys to destroy debris and cracked walls, Indy uses poor Scabbers to detonate exploding treasure chests, and Cesuelia loses all her MP through healing and falls over dead a lot. In the rare instances when she’s actually alive, she goes all Dr Who with her Magic Pocketwatch and travels back in time a few moments to reset puzzles I have the party has fucked up. Maybe if she was carting around a TARDIS instead of that damn watch, she’d be a little more interesting.

In the room with the “spooky demon statue”, Cesuelia uses her Tear Drop to break the seal on a huge door. Unfortunately, the gargantuan monster Emma failed to mention earlier emerges and attacks. The monster (called “Magtortous”) looks intimidating (well, as intimidating as something can look when rendered in God-awful blocky graphics, at least), but our heroes with their L337 Lv 4 skillz ensure that it goes down faster than a plane piloted by Tidus, with Shion as co-pilot. I is winnar!

The next room houses Lolithia herself – but she isn’t a person. No, she’s a 50-foot tall iron giant. In fact, she’d be pretty fucking terrifying if she wasn’t deep in a perpetual slumber. The Cliché Trio (and Scabbers) stare up in awe, as tinkly mysterious music plays in the background. “…That’s the golem…” Scabbers squeaks out of the blue. “The same golem written about in the legend?!” Cesuelia gasps. No, you idiot, the other golem who was never written about and whom nobody even knows exists. Scabbers, twitching his Exposition Whiskers, launches into full-on “arcane legend” mode. “In the ancient days, when Filgaia was surrounded by forests, it was said that there were eight weapons of the ancient giants. They were sealed away in some secret place after they nearly destroyed the world [I’m sure history won’t be repeating itself!]. Some of these weapons were found in ruins in this area. I had no idea that a golem was hidden near Adlehyde!” Fuck. Scabbers, I like you and all, but shut the hell up already. If Lolithia weren’t already asleep, I’m sure that story would have done the trick.

‘You don’t look like a “Lolithia”!’

As if things weren’t yawn-worthy enough, Scabbers’ exposition fever runs riot among the rest of the group, like some contagious disease. “I wonder if the power in this tomb is different from the ‘Power’ that I have been seeking all this time?” Indy ponders aloud. “The power we felt here is probably the golem,” Scabbers replies. No shit. “Geez!” Indy goes on. “How am I supposed to use this? It’s huge! I can barely lift it!” And yes, he is talking about Lolithia, more’s the pity. The dirtier possibility would have at least livened things up a little. And — huh? The scene’s over? There is a God.

After Scabbers suggests that it would be a good idea to tell Emma about the golem, the party goes to do just that. And they must trek all the way back through the dungeon to do so. Dammit, why do the Black Screens of Doom never pop up when you actually want them to? Several random battles later, the Trio reaches Emma, who creams her corn over the exciting discovery. “We can’t just sit around here! We have to excavate it now!” she cries, seeming to think that she wasn’t the only one standing around with her thumb up her ass. Whatever, Emma. Miraculously, I’m spared the torture of guiding the party all the way back to Lolithia. After a quick number by the Black Screen of Preserving the Recapper’s Sanity, a team of Emma’s workers are swarming all over The Iron Woman, attaching all manner of ropes and pulleys. Before long she has been yanked from her resting place and hauled through a hole in the roof, above which Emma and the Cliché Trio wait with bated breath. “It’s a pleasant surprise that my Emma-Motor was effective here,” Emma twitters. “Thanks to you and my Emma-Motor, we were able to pull her out. Did I mention that I love my Emma-Motor?” Well, she doesn’t actually say that last part, but it doesn’t seem out of place in her actual dialogue. Sweetie, we know you’re proud of your machine, but you don’t need to squeeze a reference to it into every damn sentence that leaves your mouth. She reminds me of an over-proud mother who insists on giving everyone she meets the intimate details of baybee’s latest bowel movements. And make no mistake, I’m sure Emma would get every bit as pissy if somebody told her that they weren’t the least bit interested.

Not finished with the self-servicing yet, Emma continues, this time without mentioning her beloved Emma-Motor. “Yes, this is ‘Lolithia’,” she reveals to those of us who weren’t paying attention for the first fifty times this was confirmed. “One of the eight golems. Isn’t it cute?” Whatever bakes your cake, Em. “This thing is unbreakable. It’s in mint condition and is completely dormant.” Once again readers, I’m sure LOLITHIA IS GOING TO STAY DORMANT. Emma concludes by assuring the party that she hasn’t forgotten about their payment, but it will have to wait until tomorrow morning as she’s too busy preparing for the Ruin Festival at the moment.

Back in Adlehyde, Rudy and friends stop for a little chat. Indy reveals that after collecting his payment, he and Scabbers will leave to raid more ruins. Cesuelia seems saddened that the Trio will be going their separate ways so soon. Never fear, Innocent One. These guys are going to be saddled with you for quite a while yet. Booking their room at the inn, Cesuelia tells her new best friends that she’ll see them at the festival tomorrow, but for now she has to get back to the castle and do princessy stuff. “After I go, I may not be able to travel with you…” she reveals. I’m sure they’re both crushed. “But I will never forget our adventure!” she continues, her angelic eyes probably brimming with pure Sue tears. Jeez, girl, you’ve known these guys for all of fifteen minutes. Clingy much? Thing is, I actually like Cesuelia a lot more than most female leads, and feel kinda guilty about laying down the snark. But then she goes and spews lines like this, and I soon get over any guilt I may have had. “I hope you guys will treat me the same way I’ve treated you,” she finally finishes, mind-bogglingly, before skipping off back to the castle.

Festival day. The Adlehyde background music is even more cheery and jolly than before, giving us a tiny inkling that Something Bad Is Going To Happen. Rudy and Indy head over to the recreation ground, where colourful flags blow in the breeze and confetti rains down upon the joyful festivalgoers. There are several minigames (such as Lucky Mole Catching) on offer, but Rudy has one objective: to get his money, dammit! He and Indy come across Emma doing what she does best (ie, nothing) slightly away from the hustle and bustle. As promised, she hands over the precioussss 500 Gella. Taking in the sights, Rudy admires the impressive size of two more dormant golems (a red armadillo-esque giant called Diablo and a green monstrosity named Barbados) as well as the Iron Woman herself. But Rudy isn’t interested in these ancient relics. Instead, he sets his sights on an infuriating minigame called ‘Ultimate Chicken’.

The basic idea is to run towards a wall at top speed and use the X button to stop at the crucial moment before said wall is left with a Rudy-shaped imprint. This is much harder than it sounds. In fact, from what fuzzy details I can remember, when recording the recap footage this minigame very nearly tipped me over the edge into a murderous rage. I’m told that I started foaming at the mouth and, eyes glowing crimson, began to growl “Kill. All. Game Designers”. I’m unclear as to what happened after that, but I think the nurses may have injected me with something. I’m all better now, though. My invisible friend Mr. Wookie says so.

I really don’t want to know what he has in mind.

First prize having eluded Rudy, he heads over to the eastern side of the festival ground (bypassing an equally annoying minigame involving throwing a ball at a target) and is accosted by a flustered young woman who is looking for her child. Rudy and Indy, being heroes and all, agree to look for the boy, marking the second “save my kiddy!” event of this recap. Apparently the lost boy is holding a red balloon, rendering him distinguishable from all the other NPC kid clones, so the Cliché Trio -1 heads back into town to begin the search. Before long they find the kidlet, complete with his red balloon, which duly escapes from his grasp and floats up into the sky. Right at that moment, the sky darkens and the jolly festival music stops abruptly. Houston, we have imminent disaster.

Penis lightning!

The camera pans upwards and we see a shot of an angry purple sky, with black clouds a’rollin’in, as dramatic music kicks in. Jagged lightning pierces the clouds as the kid’s red balloon ascends to the heavens. As the townspeople “watch the silent nightmare spread over their heads”, something completely mind-boggling happens. The sky cracks. Yes, the sky itself cracks open. I think my brain just broke. Behind the cracked sky, a swirling purple vortex is visible. Phallic beams of light flare out of the fissure as fragments of the sky fall like shards of glass. “The ‘Beginning of the End’ is here…” our old acquaintance the Random Text God scrawls across the screen. “A sword of light strikes the land and a wall of fire rushes across the horizon.” Folks, this isn’t good. And if this scene was created without the influence of mind-altering substances, I’m Jesus of Nazareth. As the sky continues to break apart, complete with cracking sounds, we fade back to normal gameplay mode. Before Adlehyde’s citizens have a chance to catch their breath, fiery meteors rain down on them and engulf the town in flames. Man, this day is going from bad to worse, huh?

The screen whites out for a few seconds, and when colour is restored we see most of Adlehyde’s inhabitants lying dead on the ground. As creepy music plays, assorted monsters warp in and begin terrorising the few survivors. Making haste to the castle gates, Rudy and Indy find Cesuelia surrounded by a group of monsters, who are swiftly vanquished in an impromptu battle. In an unprecedented move by RPG standards, she doesn’t thank the strong manly heroes for saving her pathetic life, but instead reveals that the gates to the castle will remain open for five minutes. In this time limit the party must round up the survivors in order to get them to safety. As Cesuelia muscles her way into the party, a clock appears in the corner of the screen and begins to count down, complete with annoying ticking sound. Fuck, this is turning into an episode of 24.

When Indy dreamed of a meteoric rise to success, I don’t think this is what he had in mind…

The party finds one old guy in the deserted hospital (after these events, it won’t be deserted for much longer), another guy wandering around in a daze near the “Guardian statue of Zeldukes” — tick tock — and a little boy among the trees. A woman near the church, a drunkard in the pub — tick tock — and so on. The remaining NPCs are herded into the castle with a few minutes to spare, ending this contrived sequence. We see a rather large lizard-like creature, sporting a long tail and a purple helmet (*cough*), accompanied by a generic skeleton and lizardman, waddle into town. The creature – known as Belselk – surprises absolutely no-one by revealing he’s a bad guy. “Not even close, you weak humans!” he gloats. “This is no contest.” He utters an annoying generic villain laugh, before continuing “Well, I guess my superior power is too good to use on humans.” You know, I’m getting the impression that this guy has an over-inflated view of his own importance. This, coupled with the annoying laugh, prompts me to bestow upon him the honourable moniker of Squatt. And it will only become more fitting as the game progresses and we meet the remaining Power Rangers villains. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

‘…And before long, the Power Coins will belong to Rita! Bwahahaha!’

“Give this message to one of the humans running into the castle,” Squatt instructs one of his generic cronies. “If they don’t give up the ‘Tear Drop’, we will tear this castle to pieces!” The dialogue in this scene was obviously written in crayon by the script editor’s infant child. Another generic monster runs onscreen and informs Squatt that there are golems in town. Pleased that the golems lay dormant, Squatt replies “All junk? Good! We don’t want to fight those things…” He turns towards the camera. “We have the golems now. This is a very interesting situation…” Then he does his stupid laugh again as we fade to black. This guy needs to die, preferably in a situation involving boiling oil, red-hot pokers and multiple forced rewatchings of the FFX pond scene. It’s a good job he won’t be around for long, or my sanity would have been at risk. Equally fortunate is the fact that this recap draws to a close – I’ve had more than my fill of Filgaia for the time being. Next time, one of our beloved heroes gets a haircut. Now how’s that for a cliffhanger?