Anyway, dramatic stuff. Rudy (and me, for that matter, goddammit) is anticipating a nice little reward for rescuing the poor wyddle chyyyuld from certain death – a generous cache of Gella, perhaps, or a free PENIS upgrade, or even a four-foot trophy. But nooo. Awed by Rudy’s magnificent PENIS-wielding skills, Tony’s all “Dude! You killed the [Chewbacca]! Coolies!” But his entitlement moo mother quickly pulls him away and, I imagine — it’s kinda hard to tell with the sprite graphics — clutches him to her bosom (when she gets back to Surf, she’ll probably spend a nice afternoon begging from people over the internet). A random male villager then steps forward and pulls “…You have brought tragedy to the entire village of Surf!” out of his ass. …Say WHAT? Would this be the type of tragedy that involves killing a dangerous monster and saving a kid from certain death because none of you wankers seemed to give a flying fuck? God, some people have no sense of gratitude. Another villager clone snits “I know about you. You possess the ‘PENIS’. The forbidden power!”

Ah. So this all comes down to a village-wide case of PENIS envy. At this point, the stupidity is so thick I could cut you all a nice big slice of it. But we’re not done yet. PENIS Envy Man #2 continues “I know I shouldn’t have, but I looked through at your stuff yesterday. The PENIS has brought doom to us all!” Man, his DNA must cry itself to sleep at night. Also, am I the only one who thinks these guys are overreacting just a tad? God, Rudy was only hiding his large PENIS, not a stack of Tidus x Auron doujinshi. Get over yourselves, people. And this scene still isn’t over. More and more villagers chime in with their jealous snipings, one in particular taking a page from the Suikoden Grammar Handbook and yelling “That earthquake was probably caused by Rudy!!!” Hey, why use one exclamation point when you can use 26?

At this point Mayor Pifer, attempting to restore calm, jumps on the punctuation abuse bandwagon and cries “Be quiet everyone!!!”. He turns to Rudy. “Rudy…thanks for saving the boy…but you opened the forbidden path and put us all in danger. You also possess a PENIS!” Once again, he proves that, forbidden paths and threats of danger aside, it all comes down to the fact that Rudy has a big PENIS. And that’s pretty fucking sad. Also: forbidden path? Did I miss something? He stole some weed from a sealed cave – hardly a hanging offence. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting the impression that Surf Village likes making mountains out of molehills.

The Mayor continues that Rudy must be judged on this offence according to village law. He asks for his consent, and I’m even presented with a Yes or No choice. Since I’ve detected the ever-so-faint whiff of bullshit throughout this scene, and find the villagers’ reactions to Rudy’s PENIS to be ridiculously OTT, I force him to reply “No.” I’m such a rebel. “I’m sorry Rudy…” Mayor Pifer replies. “Even though you’re a ‘Dream Chaser’, you still have violated our law my ass. We must judge you.” Well, I guess that renders the entire choice redundant and unnecessary, not unlike 50% of the other things in this game. Scene!

Asshat Village. As a bittersweet melody plays in the background, we hear the villagers’ conversation about the evil bastard Rudy, who is waiting to hear his fate upstairs in the Mayor’s house. “The boy brought a terrible omen to the village! We must do something!” and “He’s just a ‘Dream Chaser’. It may sound cruel, but he may bring harm upon us all!” are just two of the offerings from the disgruntled males of the village. Having waited enough, Rudy heads downstairs just in time to hear the verdict. “We all agree then…” Mayor Pifer concludes. “We’ll ask him to leave. I took him in, so I’ll inform him of our decision.” The Mayor hobbles over to the stairs, taking about half an hour to do so. There he finds Rudy, and is all “Were you listening in? Damn you and your large PENIS!”, adding eavesdropping to the ever-growing list of crimes committed by Rudy against the poor innocents of Surf. “I must ask you to pack your things and leave. And please, don’t come back.” Colour me indifferent.

Of course. Someone please think of the children!

None of the villagers, save for Tony and his dad, have a positive word to say to Rudy. He decides to leave straight away, as the dialogue, depressing music and bitter farewells rain down like mournful anvils to the head, giving multiple whacks with the This-Is-Really-Tragic Mallet for good measure. In short, we’re supposed to understand that, right now, Rudy is feeling more unloved than a red-headed stepchild, although, if you ask me, I’d say he’d be more than happy to finally have an excuse to get the fuck away from this podunk hellhole and its cuntish inhabitants. But hey, what do I know?

As he prepares to leave the village, Rudy is approached by Tony, who thanks Rudy for his help and expresses his feelings about the villagers’ assitude. Rudy, safe in the knowledge that at least one person appreciates him and his PENIS, turns and leaves Surf as the screen turns grey (to match the bleakness of his sooooul!) and is littered with writing. “Even though he used his skill to protect them, they rejected him out of fear,” the Random Text God ejaculates. “Within him is a power he never asked for…the skill to use the forbidden PENISes.” Wait, whose PENISes is Rudy going to be using? This question spins around my head, mingling with the collective sound of a hundred disturbing fanfic writers springing into action. “He still wanders the world in search of his soul, unaware of his inborn power…” the Random Text God continues, reading aloud from Chapter 32 of the Book of Clichés: Heroes and their secrets – a study in inborn powers.

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With nowhere else to go, Rudy decides to head to Adlehyde, sure that he’ll be able to find a use for his PENIS in a big town like that. I’m sure you all remember that Cesuelia and Indy are also headed there. I’m equally sure that they’ll all go about their business without even setting eyes on each other. Wait, what am I thinking? That would be an original concept. Skipping over the obnoxiously random battle-filled trek across the World Map, I guide Rudy into Adlehyde. The first thing I notice is that the music is rather bright and cheery, which means that it probably won’t stay that way for long. Just a hunch. Before Rudy can even begin to take in the sights, a cry of “Holy cow! There’s been an accident at ‘Lolithia’s Tomb’!” pierces the air. A trio of generic NPCs barge into town and begin running around like headless Mary Sues. “Let’s find Emma, this is out of our hands!!!” one yells. Another replies that, like, bitch, please, the injured should be the priority. Before I get the chance to learn what the frell is going on, all three NPC wankers head offscreen, presumably to find “Emma”, whoever she may be. What a coincidence that this terrible accident occured at exactly the same moment our heroes showed up in town! Also: in case anyone somehow forgot, Lolithia is the “heartbeat of annihilation” mentioned in both Indy’s and Cesuelia’s introductions. The plot, she thickens! The recapper, he snores!

Looks like Adlehyde isn’t such a big place after all.

Before heading off to find Emma (Let’s face it, she’s going to advance the plot. It’s more obvious than Squall’s sexuality.) Rudy decides to explore town. The zillions of NPCs don’t have much to say apart from gushing about the upcoming “Ruin Festival”, a fair/exhibition involving ancient artifacts and other cool shit. You know, just your standard Ruin Festival. For a moment I ponder on the possibility of this festival being the Filgaian equivalent of an anime convention, and think that it would be a cool idea…except not. Lord knows the damn game is fucked-up enough without brutal-rape-fanfic writers and sweaty middle-aged men dressed as Sailor Moon characters.

‘Really? Can she tie her shoelaces too?!’

While trying to find Emma’s house, Rudy stumbles across the shop, which houses an auspicious-looking bookcase with “a slot to insert something into”. Rudy won’t be able to insert anything until much later, so I leave it for now and instead spend some of my hard-earned Gella on oddly-named healing items such as “Toy Hammers” and “Violet Roses”. Oh, and no prizes for guessing how the game designers came up with the idea for “Light Shrooms”. I’m sure the drug references must be hitting the double-figures by now. Spotting a new one is quickly becoming my favourite part of taping the recap footage. Seriously, it won’t be long before Rudy can scurry into a dark corner of town and score a line of cocaine from a shady NPC. Speaking of shady NPCs, Rudy gets lost and ends up at the far North part of town, behind a group of trees. A man stands guarding a chest containing “Heat Salve”, and proclaims that Rudy “must have been bored to come all the way up here”. And yes, I did intend for that to sound dirty. Blame VGR. Also, the idea of an NPC lurking in the bushes with a tub of lube creeps me out, so I guide Rudy away as fast as the controller will allow.

No comment.

After a few more minutes of mindless wandering, Rudy finds the dwelling-place of Emma, who, according to a scary stalker NPC loitering outside her house, is a professor in charge of excavating the exhibits for the oft-mentioned Ruin Festival. Inside, Emma’s boy-toy assistant exposits that the big machine behind him is “the Emma-Motor”. This Emma doesn’t sound at all conceited, naming machines after herself and all. “It’s still experimental, but she’ll get it going soon,” Boy-Toy Assistant continues, uttering a line that could be taken deliciously out of context if one so desired. Of course, my unsullied mind, pure as the fallen snow, would never do such a thing. “Then we’ll have…Ooops! Are you here to see the Professor? She’s upstairs.” Wait, you’ll have what? The elixir of eternal life? An original RPG? A spiny dildo? You can’t tease me like that! I need to knoooow!

Of course, we won’t find out until later, so I trapise upstairs to finally meet Emma. After all the fanfare about how cool and clever and awesome she is…well, she looks pretty unremarkable. Looking like a 12-year-old schoolgirl (ooh, smell the spank material!) in white knee-high socks and a pink jacket, her sprite graphic bears as much resemblance to an inventor as I do to Brad Pitt. Of course, she looks considerably more detailed (and hotter, complete with a PENIS of her own!) in the PS2 remake, but since the never-ending delays mean that none of us will ever get the chance to play it, it’s a moot point. At least the book on her shelf – “All About the PENISes” – seems a little more interesting: “To operate a PENIS, the user must synchronize with [it] completely. That is why the military models are fussy about who they synchronize with”. See, those military models aren’t easy! They won’t synchronize with just anyone, you know!

Apparently, the three distressed NPCs haven’t managed to reach Emma yet, despite Rudy taking about a million detours en route to her house. Maybe they stopped off for a quick crack fix behind the Inn or something? Emma’s all “Did something happen? And who the heck am I?”, gently driving home the fact that she doesn’t seem to be the sharpest knife in the drawer. “How exciting!” she continues. “Listen to that commotion! I wonder what’s happening.” She doesn’t have to wait long to find out, as the three distressed NPCs, now cracked-up to the eyeballs, dash into the room. “Alarm!” one yells. “There has been an accident at ‘Lolithia’s Tomb’!” I don’t know if it’s just me, but “Alarm!” seems like a strange choice of word to use. Is it just a clumsy error by the localization team, or is it supposed to signify a sound effect? Did Distressed NPC #1 run upstairs yelling “NEE NAW, NEE NAW!” to get Emma’s attention? Anyway, it’s revealed that the NPCs blasted through a wall inside the tomb and released a veritable buttload of monsters. In response, Emma tells them to gather anyone with military experience to slay the monsters. However, the NPCs show their true chicken-shit colours by refusing to fight the monsters. Emma, to my surprise, doesn’t call them out on their cowardice, but instead tells them to get to work on the repairs. This leaves her in a never-before-seen predicament – who can possibly kill the monsters and help get the excavation back on track? Hands up if you can see where this is going.

Emma turns to Rudy for help, promising to pay 500 Gella in return. Rudy, excited at the prospect of having some more cash to spend on Light Shrooms, accepts without hesitation. Emma assures Rudy that she will pay him after the excavation, and warns him not to underestimate Lolithia’s Tomb. “Bring friends!” she instructs before leaving. This leaves Rudy in a predicament of his own. The poor guy, having only been in town for ten minutes, hasn’t had a chance to make any friends yet. I know! Those two random wankers loitering around the Save Parrot will do!

‘…Or a couple of random strangers you’ve never met before. I’ll take whatever help I can get.’

Before leaving, Rudy has Emma’s other, older assistant “upgrade [his] PENIS”, then heads to the Inn. The benefits of a strategy guide foresight helped me to minimise irritation by bringing Cesuelia and Indy into town already and leaving them next to the Save Parrot, where they stand around like dorks waiting for nothing in particular. After a few lines of unremarkable dialogue (I really hope their character development runs deeper than this) they remember the references to Lolithia in their own prologues and offer themselves to Rudy. Not like that. Party all set, Rudy is ready to leave. But before heading off to Lolithia’s Tomb, the Cliché Trio makes one final stop – at the Adlehyde Magic Shop. Cesuelia has three spells in desperate need of new names. I’m sorry, I had to do it! Come on, letting a recapper name their own magic spells is just too tempting. Thus, “Heal” becomes “Sue Heal” (a condensed version of “Super Mary Sue Healing Tears”, “Flame” is now “Flaming” (to match a typical RPG hero’s sexual orientation), and “Break” (an Earth-element spell) shall now be known as “Get Stoned”. Look, now I can make my own blatant drug references! Take that, game designers, and bask in my glory.