Some excited music plays as a blond guy in a long brown coat walks up to an old temple. Yes, it’s BlondRuggedPrettyBoy. A large blue rat emerges from inside BRPB (that really wasn’t meant to sound dirty) and blurts “The Temple of Memory…I hope you didn’t pay much for this information”. The rat is called Hanpan, but, as a Harry Potter fan, I can’t resist the temptation of nicknaming him Scabbers. Come on, I don’t get to do this every day. Cut me a little slack over here. BRPB – referred to as Treasure Hunter – replies “Hey…So you know about this place?!” “Yeah, sure. It’s a famous site.” Scabbers responds. Yes, so famous that a seasoned treasure hunter has never heard of it, while a big blue rat has. Whatever. The two bicker for a while before BRPB mentions the ‘Power’. They then enter the temple and examine a strange stone construction, which asks them to “engrave the name” in order to proceed. BRPB decides to enter his own name to see what happens. I love the way the game designers keep thinking of unusual ways to utilize the “Enter Name” screen. Such a shame they didn’t try to be more original in other, more important areas of the game. BRPB’s real name is Jack, but, as he totally has the Indiana Jones thing going on, I rename him Indy.

Unfortunately, the name “Indy” finds no matches on the temple security system, which now drops Indy and Scabbers through a convenient hole in the ground. Shit. Improbably Luckily, despite falling quite a distance, they land unscathed in another room. Well, unscathed until a bed of spikes rises from the floor and impales Indy momentarily. Ouch. Indy doesn’t appear to be hurt by the spikes, even though a few of his HP are depleted. Hey, game designers, that’s cheating! Now some frantic music plays as we see a long, overblown Indiana Jones sequence in which Indy outruns huge boulders, runs across collapsing walkways, and narrowly avoids spears jutting out of the walls. It actually does look quite fun and exciting. As the action unfolds, we see text written across the screen. “Indy Van Burace, Master of the <Fast Draw>, Dream Chaser, The Treasure Hunter”. I’m grateful that the kindly game designers just provided me with a condensed version of Indy’s resumé and all, but unnecessary capitalization makes me spit bile. Regardless, the text continues. “His Wind Mouse companion, [Scabbers], is curious and knowledgeable, but also a little arrogant. Indy seeks the ultimate ‘Power’ surpassing any other in existence”. The scene ends when Indy charges straight into a wall and falls through another pit in the floor.

You know, I could swear I’ve seen this in a movie…

After this fun interlude, Indy must find his way out of the temple. I soon learn that Scabbers is not a member of the party – instead, he plays the role of a Tool. If Indy can’t reach a certain treasure chest or switch, because of a hole, for example, he can send Scabbers across for him. Scabbers’s first task is to nab the contents of a chest across a chasm. The chest contains a Cowboy Hat, pushing the Indy/Indiana parallel to new levels. I half expect to find a whip lying around somewhere. While dodging spikes and spears, I’m forced into numerous random battles. Indy proves to be a darn sight better in a fight than Cesuelia, what with his sword and all. His initial skill is called – wait for it – Psycho Crack. I really don’t need to add anything to that, do I? He uses his mad skillz to vanquish an assortment of skeletons, balloons (weird red monsters) and Pillbugs. I guess the game designers had to sneak a blatant pill reference in somewhere. First magic carrots mushrooms, then crack, now pills. What next?

The game designers’ skill of choice.

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After about fifty screens, and several push-block ‘puzzles’, Indy is faced with a conundrum: the currrent room is a dead-end containing two switches. Indy can only stand on one switch at a time, so he hurls Scabbers over to stand on the other switch. When both are pressed at the same time, a glowy red magic circle appears in the middle of the room. Standing in the circle sucks Indy into the air – in the same manner as Cesuelia earlier – then deposits him in a weird room filled with wires and cables and shit. Wild West + medieval castles + magic schools + sci-fi gadgetry = does not compute. You know, I think the game designers just abandoned the whole pretense of the Wild West theme after about five minutes, forgot to remove it from the game manual, then combined as much stuff from different settings as they possibly could. I’m expecting to see some dinosaurs or spaceships next. Well, it turns out that we won’t have to wait too long for the latter, but I digress.

“Don’t touch it!” Scabbers screams, but it’s too late – Indy, having a Marle moment, has already pushed a button on the terminal in front of them. This activates something which looks for all the world like a glowing green disco ball. A humanoid figure can be seen within the disco ball, which appears to be some kind of hologram projection screen. Sure enough, Scabbers reveals that the figure is a hologram of an Elw. At least now I know what the hell those elusive Elws look like. Scabbers exposits that the Elw were an alien race who used extensive technology paired with magic. They were also in sync with nature and the planet. Hmm, sound familiar? Suddenly, Indy cries “Wait! The Elw is speaking directly into my mind!” “Wow! With your thick skull?! This certainly is advanced technology!” Scabbers quips. I like Scabbers already.

Apparently, “speaking directly into [Indy’s] mind” translates to “writing more inane text across the screen”. The Elw says “Seek not Lolithia. She sleeps in her tomb. Lolithia’s icy breath can only destroy. Seek not Lolithia in her tomb. The Elw have departed. Seek not Lolithia, for she is bound in the ‘Land of Light’. She is the Death Wind, the heartbeat of annihilation, an absolute destructive power…” Man, this Lolithia sounds like fun on a bun, doesn’t she? I’m hoping I won’t feel her icy breath anytime soon. The Elw hologram disappears as quickly as it appeared, as a convenient glowy red magic circle materializes to transport Indy and Scabbers out of the temple. It would have been really funny if they’d been stuck down there forever with only that dumb hologram for company. Hearing “Seek not Lolithia” for the hundredth time would probably have driven them batshit insane. Hey, I was close to the brink.

Indy asks Scabbers where the ‘Land of Light’ is, seeing as Scabbers seems to know every other damn thing. Seriously, what kind of adventurer is Indy if he needs to consult his pet rat every minute or so? Scabbers responds that “In an ancient tongue, Adlehyde means ‘Light'”, so they duly decide to head there. Hey, isn’t Adlehyde where Cesuelia is headed too? And wasn’t Lolithia mentioned in her scenario as well? Maybe they’ll meet up!!!11 Nah, that would be too much of a coincidence. Indy and Scabbers leave the temple, prompting me to step into the shoes of the final member of the Cliché Trio, the wandering youth. And for those of you wondering why I left the supposed hero until last – I just like to mix things up a bit. Helps to take my mind off the grinding tedium, see.

Mr. wandering youth turns out to be RedBandanna from the intro. He lives in a podunk coastal village called Surf (ah, nothing like subtly punnish names). As we see a new day dawn over Surf, more inane text appears painfully slowly across the screen, telling us that Filgaia is currently “a devastated environment filled with ferocious monsters”. It sounds pretty much like my city on a Friday night. “Those who dare to venture out are called ‘Dream Chasers’,” the snail’s-pace text continues, as the music swells dramatically. Music seems to do that a lot in this game.

Don’t you just know this is going to be an upbeat game?

“It’s hard to believe that this boy has the potential to become a ‘Dream Chaser’,” the text rambles on, as we see the sprite version of RedBandanna shoving some barrels against a wall. It looks like he works on a farm, because there are horses and chickens all over the place. A random NPC appears from an outbuilding and tells RedBandanna to call it a day. I guess he works night shifts, or the days pass real quickly in these parts. “I hired you at the recommendation of Mayor Pifer,” he exposits, as if RedBandanna doesn’t know this already. “What’s your name?”

Cue Enter Name screen. RedBandanna’s default alias as Rudy, and it shall stay that way, because I can’t think of a suitable nickname. Besides, I figure his surname, Roughknight, is unfortunate enough. It soon becomes apparent that Rudy is a dreaded Silent Protagonist. Yes, another one. I seem to be cursed. I either end up recapping the mute ones or the ones who never stop spewing badly-translated crap. It’s hard to say which is worse. Generic NPC gives Rudy his day’s wage – a Heal Berry. Yes, a fucking berry. I think this is supposed to subtly indicate that the people of Surf are piss-poor. If I were Rudy, I’d shove that berry so far up Generic NPC’s ass he’d be choking on it. Generic NPC advises Rudy to speak to the Mayor, which he does.

HORSE MOLESTER!!!!!

Mayor Pifer seems very happy with Rudy’s work – so much so that he offers him some Bombs as a token of his appreciation. Isn’t that kind of a random gesture? If my boss called me into his office one day and said “Hey Ben, take these Bombs”, I’d be dialling for the police faster than you can say “terrorist”. Rudy, however, accepts the Bombs, giving him his first Tool. I’d imagine explody things are a tad more useful than blue rats or magic pocket watches, so I’m eager to test out my new toys. Before I can start blowing shit up, though, a random NPC charges into the room. He reveals that a child from the village has ventured into the Berry Cave, whatever that is. Mayor Pifer gets all frantic and worried because the cave is full of monsters. Oh noes, what are they going to do?! If it were up to me, I’d leave the snot-nosed little shit in the cave, but the story won’t progress until Rudy does his good deed for the day by rescuing him. So, off to the Berry Cave I go!

Dude, a lot of married men say the same thing.

Before leaving the village, I check Rudy’s skills menu and discover that he holds an ARM – in this case, a multi-purpose gun. For sheer immature comedy value later in the game, ARMs – Ancient Relic Machines, remember? – shall henceforth be known as PENISes – Perfectly Erect Not-young Instruments of Shooting. Hey, I’d like to see you do better!

Rudy will get to shoot from his PENIS very soon, but not just yet – since this recap is too damn long already, the conclusion to the Berry Cave saga will have to be addressed at a later date. I’m sure you’re all trembling with anticipation. Next time, we’ll complete Rudy’s introduction, run into more clichés than you can shake a PENIS at, and sample the horribly frustrating minigames delights of Adlehyde’s Ruin Festival. Also, the Cliché Trio will finally meet, and lots of destructive shit will happen at said festival. I bet you never saw that coming.