The next day, Lloyd stands next to his bed and announces to himself that he’s finished with the complicated process of combining the string and paperclip. Then, he Sekhmets some more about needing to talk to his dad. The dwarven one. I’m not sure what all of this Sekhmetting is about all of a sudden, but it’s just more damn dialogue for me to recap and I’m not too happy about it. On the main floor of the house, Lloyd discovers a save point. I wonder how much it costs to get one of those installed in your home — it seems like it would come in handy.
Lloyd finds Dirk outside by his mom’s grave. I’m talking about Lloyd’s mom here — I don’t want you to think Dirk’s mom and whoever else are buried out here. I’m guessing that Lloyd and Dirk haven’t spoken since their abusive little tiff the night before. Dirk just kind of randomly disappeared after everyone showed up. Lloyd starts with, “Dad…about yesterday. I just…” Maybe he’s trying to be a mature person and apologize, but we’ll never know because Dirk cuts him off with the news that he’s finished the Wizard Crest Lloyd asked for. I hope it’s as well made as Lloyd’s fancy necklace for Suelette. This is a big deal because Dirk didn’t want to make the Wizard Crest but then he did anyway. Because they’re a family! Or something. But Dirk isn’t all touchy feely about it — basically, he’s all, “Here it is, I don’t want to know what you do with it, and if you get in deep shit, don’t forget I warned you first.” Lloyd is very touched because Dirk is a dwarf, and therefore his boundless love is shown in a gruff way or some shit. “Dwarven Vow #2: Never abandon someone in need,” Dirk explains his change of heart. I seriously need to start doing recapper vows. “Recapper Vow #1: Tidus is a wanker.” “Recapper Vow #2: Twink is gay.” “Recapper Vow #1582: Don’t recap sober.” Maybe that should be #1.
Lloyd takes this opportunity to announce that he’ll be leaving on Suelette’s Magical Mary Sue Journey because of that whole It’s Personal thing. Dirk already figured this out, probably because the conversation between Lloyd and Suelette took place within earshot of everyone. While Lloyd was furiously stringing together Suelette’s necklace, Dirk packed a few items for Lloyd’s journey. Unfortunately, this doesn’t include a pack of brains, but at least he remembered a map. “So you’re forgiving me?” Lloyd asks, although one interpretation could be that Dirk is trying to get him out of the house as quickly as possible by sending him on a death mission. But no, Dirk has to ruin my much more interesting interpretation by getting all sappy. What happened to all that gruffness that I described earlier? Dirk reminds us all that Lloyd is his Real Son and They Are A Family, then goes on to say that this little shack in the woods will always be Lloyd’s home. I bet Dirk will regret that one when Lloyd is thirty years old and wants to move back in. And just so that we don’t forget Dirk’s main character trait, he sends Lloyd off with yet another Dwarven Vow. This one is a real doozy: “Dwarven Vow #7: Goodness and love will always win.” “Recapper Vow #27: BLEEAARGHARHGARHGH!” At least Lloyd recognizes the toxic level of cheesitude in the saying. Then again, this might be another instance of game designers thinking they can get away with shitty dialogue by pointing out how shitty it is.
Before leaving, Lloyd calls his dog or doglike beast, saying, “It’s time to regenerate the world!” First of all, here he pronounces Noishe like “No-ish” which is different from before. So now Lloyd’s too dumb to remember the name of his own pet? Second, I want to go say this line to my rabbits, just to see their blank and disapproving stares, because that’s what actually happens when you say this type of thing to your pets. Noishe runs up, probably because of the name recognition (or not), but someone is with him. It’s Penis! When Lloyd asks what he’s doing there, my sick mind immediately assumes that Penis has been hanging out in the nearby forest spying on Lloyd while he was sleeping. Lloyd is bursting with the news about the Wizard Crest for Marble, but Penis couldn’t care less at the moment because something related to the Mary Sue has taken place. Penis wonders why the hell Lloyd isn’t in the village “seeing Suelette off.” When Lloyd explains to Penis that he’s planning to go on the MMSJ, too, Penis blows up at him. “Are you stupid or something?! [Suelette] and the others left a long time ago!” Wait, where would he get the idea that Lloyd is stupid?
Penis is being a dick here, since he’s totally going off on Lloyd in his shrill girl voice without even bothering to find out why his friend didn’t show up. And since Penis didn’t know that Lloyd was planning on going along, he’s just mad that Lloyd didn’t come to the village to say goodbye to Suelette. Which Lloyd did the previous night. That was the whole point of that visit, wasn’t it? How many deep fucking conversations does Penis think Lloyd needs to have with the Mary Sue? Anyway, Penis made the monster-laden trek from the village just to chew out Lloyd. And it’s doubly annoying that he’s being such a douchecanoe, since Lloyd risked himself to save Penis’s shorts-clad ass only the day before. Not that I’m considering Lloyd heroic or anything.
I bet you $100 this would be way more interesting than the actual journey in the game.
Lloyd is more concerned with the fact that the group left without him already, way in advance of the time Suelette told him the day before. Dirk and Penis both tell Lloyd to go to the village, because Lloyd is retarded and needs the reminder from everyone sharing the current screen with him. Thankfully for my blood pressure, Lloyd is automatically teleported to the village gate, saving me the trek. Let’s take this moment to get over our shock at the game designers’ uncharacteristic kindness. Then again, it was probably just laziness that happened to work in my favor.
Someone just inside the gate tells Lloyd that Grandma Phaidra was looking for him. I can’t tell who it is, since the giant text boxes block the NPC’s entire body. Let’s assume it’s Frank, since he’d be in the know. After a black screen releases control of Lloyd, the NPC is gone. But Lloyd decides to chat up the guards while he’s at the gate, since I’ve decided the Suelette-related stuff isn’t all that urgent. Unfortunately, that’s all these buttholes can talk about — namely, that Suelette must cross the Triet Desert. You know, the one that is probably hot and sunny because of the Seal of Fire. Also, I think this is the first I’ve heard of the name of the actual destination, so it’s good that the traveling party informed all the local NPCs. I don’t want to be ignorant, here.
It’s not out of character for me to not care about the Mary Sue’s immediate circumstances at all times, but it’s kind of odd that Penis decides to take this moment to throw another skit onto the steaming skit pile. It’s like he can’t decide whether he wants to find out everything about Lloyd in order to become his boyfriend, or whether he’s more concerned with Suelette’s well-being. I guess it’s that classic conflict between man-love and Mary Sue obsession that we so often find in games. This skit, Dirk the Craftsman, opens with Penis asking Lloyd how he and Dirk manage to make a living. According to him, he’s been wondering this “for a while.” This is just another opportunity for the game designers to shove exposition down our throats, because it makes no sense for Penis not to know this already. With all the evidence so far, I’m starting to think that Lloyd and Penis met about one minute before the start of the game. Lloyd is bogged down by the huge word “livelihood,” so Penis has to explain its meaning. The game designers must be getting paid by the word in this game. Basically, Dirk is a crafty motherfucker who makes “good money” by creating things for clients. “Wow. I didn’t know Dirk was famous,” Penis gushes. Oh, come on, Penis. You don’t have to be so obvious in your ass-licking of Lloyd. Seriously, how did Penis get “famous” out of that explanation?
Let me guess. They’ll all be magically gone by the time Lloyd catches up to her.
I do a quick round of Talk to Everyone on the off chance that someone will say something full of dirty innuendo, but these people are boring and lame. Only one person has an interesting scoop, which they want Lloyd to keep a secret. Why they randomly decide to spill this to Lloyd, I don’t know. But according to this nameless person, in the past 800 years, not a single Chosen survived a Journey of Regeneration. Supposing this is true, I wonder why this isn’t common knowledge. And if the secrecy is due to some conspiracy, how did this random NPC come to know it? Also, given that the Chosen most likely sacrifices him/herself at the end of the journey, does this mean that the Chosens succeeded or failed? And does it mean that there was a Chosen that didn’t die 801+ years ago? I’m reading entirely too much into this one comment, but it’s frustrating as a recapper how much vague conflicting information I’m getting on this whole thing. You could always say that the game designers did this on purpose so that no one really has the whole story — at least until Suelette finds out for herself — but it’s much more likely that none of them really thought it through.
Before I even reach Suelette’s house, another skit option pops up, called “What is [Suelette] Hiding?” Surprisingly enough, this actually has to do with the events at hand. Lloyd wants to know why Suelette told him to arrive at noon and then left earlier. “She was acting overly cheerful before she left, telling everyone ‘I’ll be fine.’ and ‘I’ll do my best,'” Penis tells him. “I bet…she’s hiding something,” Lloyd decides, shorting out every single one of his overworked brain cells in the process. How noble of the Mary Sue to bury her own fears and worries, putting on a brave face for her loved ones. Jesus. I would love to meet a Mary Sue who thinks the “sacrifice yourself to save all the selfish asshats in the world” is total bullshit.
That would make her unique in this game.
Finally, it’s time to enter Suelette’s house and find out the truth about what’s going on. Both Phaidra and Frank are seated at the giant dining room table when the boys walk in. After an exchange where we find out, again, that Suelette and her guardians traveling partners have already left, Phaidra hands Lloyd a letter from Suelette, explaining why she lied about the time. This is an important moment, which I know because both the camera angle and the music change simultaneously. The letter is narrated in Suelette’s voice run through a reverb filter, for that extra nausea-inducing effect. I won’t type out the contents of the letter verbatim, but the gist is that Suelette lied on purpose about the time because — shock! — she wanted to protect Lloyd from the dangerous journey. She even mentions that “many Chosens have failed” so I guess there’s my answer about whether they died of success or died of failure. I also like how she says “many” when we’ve already been told there were six Chosens total before her — unless that’s another fact that keeps changing. I guess that NPC’s information wasn’t quite as top secret as she thought. Suelette’s written goodbye sounds quite final, as she thanks Lloyd for everything and tells him to have a happy life. You know, if Suelette had just told Lloyd up on the terrace, “Sorry, you still can’t come along,” then I would have avoided most of the sappy shit in the last several minutes, including the drama of Suelette’s “betrayal.” To add insult to injury, we all know Lloyd is eventually going to go on the damn journey, so all these obstacles are not only annoying, but completely pointless.
Loading ...“…What is this? This almost sounds like a will,” Lloyd comments. Well, no it doesn’t. I suppose we should all be proud that he figured out the “final goodbye” nature of the letter, but it’s still nothing like a will. Even so, Frank agrees with Lloyd’s assessment. When the boys turn toward him in surprise, he continues, “Lloyd. [Penis]. There is something we hid from you and everyone in the village. [Suelette]…no, the Chosen…is already–” But we never find out what he was going to say, because right on cue, the sound of death and destruction comes from outside. Oh, come on. Is already what? We know she’s going to croak at some point — okay, she’s not because that would be an interesting “twist” — but I don’t know how you would fit the term “already” into that. Frank and Phaidra remain seated and unperturbed as Lloyd and Penis run outside to investigate the conveniently timed incident.
‘Suelette is actually a man.’
The peaceful town tune has changed to an urgent, pounding musical theme complete with porno guitar. This can’t be good. A nearby house is in flames, courtesy of two Desian clones from My Human Ranch. Yes, that means that the game designers are actually following up on an earlier plot point. It could have gone either way, as neither Lloyd nor Penis have shown any anxiety or concern over the earlier incident since it happened. But it looks like the Desians were successful in figuring out that their attackers must have come from the nearby village, and now it’s time to teach those filthy humans a lesson. The camera lingers on the burning house for a long time, but only spares about half a second to show Captain Dildo and his teal hair strolling through the gate. Suddenly, I have control of Lloyd again, so I force him to run around the flaming village — yes, I just like typing “flaming” — saving random townsfolk from Desian clones.