Anyway, Phoenix presents the one piece of evidence from the crime scene he hasn’t touched yet, the note on Niceguy’s stationery. At Phoenix’s non-manly “Objection!” Gant claps in delight. “Ah, at last! An honest to goodness ‘objection’!” I admit, if I were in that courtroom I’d probably do the exact same thing. Phoenix takes entirely too long, thanks to many interjections by the judge, to point out that the knife has an SL-9 tag, and the memo, turned upside down, really reads, “2/21 SL-9.” Gant concedes, a little too easily, that the knife was stolen from the evidence room on the day of the murder(s). Edgeworth asks about the nature of the evidence, and whether it was a murder weapon. I’ll jump the gun here a little to say Edgeworth should already know the answer to this, and not just because it’s kind of dumb to ask if a bloody knife was a murder weapon. “Nice! Nice! Nice! Good show, Worthy!” Gant says, clapping enthusiastically. “It was a murder weapon, as it happens. It was evidence from a case long-since solved…” I wonder how long ago that case was solved? Might it have been two years ago? No way. That couldn’t be.
Stop perjuring yourself!
Now that Phoenix knows a little more about the evidence room–namely, that a piece of evidence used to be there and ended up in Edgeworth’s tailpipe–he can revisit that bit of testimony. Whereas the first time, Phoenix admitted to not knowing anything about the evidence room, self-explanatory as the name may be, this time he and Ema both manage to remember what Gant said about the knife five fucking seconds ago. But just in case we didn’t remember, we flash back in grayscale to Gant telling them about the theft. Son of a bitch. I really resent being treated like I’m Phoenix. But this grand revelation, in turn, allows Phoenix to press on Gant’s final statement, now that he has a definite link between the two murders.
The music stops since it’s time for Phoenix to get serious, and he, with some sexy assists from his man across the aisle, laboriously lays out the connection for the chief. Gant stares them down and then says with fatherly approval, “You two make a good pair.” Yeah, they do. These recaps would be so tedious if they didn’t. “It took my men two days to find out what you deduced right here.” Well, once Phoenix gets his rhythm going and Edgeworth matches it movement for movement, they can grind out truthful, sweaty deductions like no one else.
Edgeworth asks Gant to release the information on the other victim, because for having a mind like a steel-haired trap, he somehow hasn’t figured out that there obviously is no second victim. I mean, come on. “See, that’s the tricky part,” Gant says, since figuring out how to string these morons along further for his amusement is in fact a tricky proposition. “It hasn’t been announced yet, and all…” Phoenix asks, adorably, for some information on the down low if they can’t be official about it yet, and Gant is so charmed by his sweaty smile that he can’t help but say yes. He won’t reveal the name of the victim–I WONDER WHY–but he will once again reveal nuggets of truth via multiple choice. Gant reveals that the victim was male and was a detective in criminal affairs. “Homicide…that would be the same division as Detective Gumshoe!” thinks Phoenix, because he’s dumb and can only keep like three people in his memory at once. Ema more helpfully adds to his innermost thoughts that Detective Niceguy was also in the homicide division of criminal affairs. WHAT? HE WAS?! And what does Phoenix say to this? “It’s almost like a serial killer was after homicide detectives…” Jesus Christ. This is getting embarrassing.
Don’t worry, our boys know how to deal with that.
The final option Gant offers is the victim’s ID card number. Obscure or not, this is the only piece of information that could only be applied to a single person, so clearly it’s the money intel. “Hmm?” Gant asks, looking at Wrighto like the idiot mark he usually is. “Sure, why not. It’s not like you’ll be able to tell who it is from that!” He reveals with weird, robotic efficiency that the number is 5842189. It takes the judge about a second and a half to get the number completely wrong. Unlike with the other tidbits of useless bullshit he already got, the judge asks Phoenix if this number tells him anything helpful. Phoenix, of course, has yet to put it all together, but thanks to his unique disease of comprehending words only as they tumble, frightened and bewildered, out of his mouth, he rushes forward anyway. “Actually, it does, Your Honor. It does…!” Prompted for evidence, he finally gets an inkling of what the answer may be, and presents Bruce Niceguy’s ID card, which–all together now, DUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH–has the same number on it.
Edgeworth is at full mast right now.
Demonstrating once again that he doesn’t know what he’s saying until he’s said it, Phoenix shouts, “Witness!” and then pauses for like an hour while he actually considers the implications of the ID card. When he admits he’s confused, Edgeworth is all, “AS USUAL,” snaps his fingers in a circle, and then adds, “Just come out with both guns blazing…like you always do.” OOH, GIRL, IT’S GETTING HOT IN HEEEEEERE.
Just…damn.
After Phoenix and all the cops in the peanut gallery have finished fanning themselves vigorously, he collects himself enough to continue. He thinks over the evidence he already presented, and then tells Gant, “Actually, I happen to have a police ID number here.” Gant is all, “Ooh, you bad boy,” because Phoenix shouldn’t have that, but also because he too is suffering from the residual nuclear heat of an innuendo-dropping Miles Edgeworth. Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!
Phoenix barrels on, “Detective [Niceguy]’s ID number is…’5842189.'” Unsurprisingly, the judge doesn’t get the significance because he’s already forgotten the number Gant provided. But once the judge has caught up, it’s Edgeworth’s turn to be bewildered. “W-wait a second, Wright!” he asks. “What does this…?” Phoenix sweetly finishes his boyfriend’s thought, “Mean? That’s what I want to know! The two ID numbers are identical! In other words… The detective killed in the Police Department’s evidence room was Bruce [Niceguy]!” He jams his pointy finger in Gant’s face and shouts, “What does our witness think about that!?”
If Phoenix was expecting Gant to throw a screaming fit or perhaps go Super Saiyan–not that he does that ever!–he is disappointed. Once again, Gant is tickled at Phoenix’s courtroom prowess and applauds him. “Oh! Ho ho ho, sharp as a tack, Wrighto! Sharp as a tack!” The judge, Phoenix, and Edgeworth spend a whopping eight text screens, plus some gavel-banging and peanut gallery rumbling, to establish for the slowest among us that the same douche in the same white fedora was killed on the same day at the same time, but in two different places. My life is just ticking away over here.
Right when the judge is about to ask Gant what this all means, Edgeworth cuts in. “No…” he asks, “what I want to know is…why didn’t I hear about this!? Yes, it’s top-secret, fine! But I’m the prosecutor in charge of the case!!!” Whoa, triple exclamation points from Edgeworth! He must be pissed. I would make fun of him for continuing to make this case where one dude gets murdered two times all about himself, but he does have good reason, what with the involvement of the fuchsia knife and the Penismobile. Gant tries to tell him not to get “flustered,” like he’s telling a woman not to get hysterical. No, “like” nothing, pretty much exactly that. But Edgeworth insists, as he did earlier, that the police department done fucked up good. And as before, Gant summons his inner malice and sneers, “Wait. I said ‘wait.’ Or didn’t you hear me?” Edgeworth shuts up long enough for Gant to go on, tugging at his hair again, “The oversight…the grave error…? Mr. Edgeworth… They’re yours.” Oh man, burn number two. Phoenix is going to need to get out the novelty dildo ice mold later.
Gant explains: “We informed you yesterday. I believe it was our Officer Meekins who brought you the news?” Edgeworth doesn’t really remember, as only a select number of people are worthy of his attention, but Ema recalls the pathetic patrolman they met in Edgeworth’s office yesterday, who, we are reminded via flashback, had a report Edgeworth refused to accept. Edgeworth is looking like a sweaty food poisoning-stricken hunchback again. “B-but your officer, he told me!” he stammers. “He said that report had nothing to do with the Lana Skye incident!” If Edgeworth were on his game he would be able to predict what Gant says next. “Detective Bruce [Niceguy] murdered in the Police Department evidence room…” Gant reads, obviously enjoying this. “Mr. Edgeworth. The victim’s name is written write [sic] at the top of the report.” Oof. Edgeworth demands to know why Meekins didn’t make this clear, but Ema points out he seemed too dim to figure out the connection, or to read, for that matter. “In any case,” Gant says smugly, “this is a serious error, a gross negligence of duty on your part, Worthy.” If only he hadn’t been trying to impress Phoenix by acting like all haughty to a subordinate!
SOON
Edgeworth is pretty much begging for mercy at this point, and Gant is probably sporting a roll of Mentos behind the witness stand, but he pulls himself together long enough to say Gant, as chief of police, could have submitted this report as evidence to the trial himself. So hey, remember that first rule of evidence law, and how stupid it was? Buckle up, it’s getting dumber. Gant stares down Edgeworth for another interminable period, before gripping his creepy cross tie, leering at the prosecutor, and telling him, “No such luck this time, Worthy…or should I say, un-Worthy?” No, you shouldn’t. But continue. “Now what was the second rule of evidence law, hmm?” Edgeworth recites it for him, since Phoenix still can’t buy a fucking clue about these rules: “Rule 2: New evidence may only be submitted if it concerns the case on trial.” Edgeworth rightly asks how this makes a difference. “Normally, you submit a list of evidence to be used in court before the trial,” Gant says, ignoring the hundreds of things Phoenix and probably all defense attorneys have pulled out of their asses. “This report wasn’t on that list…” The judge, too, is like, “So the fuck what?” Well, Gant says, “I couldn’t submit this evidence until a connection was proven in court. That connection was just proven by Wrighto over here. Good job, Wrighto, my boy!”
You know what? No. No. Fuck you, Gant, this is ridiculous. I’ll be generous for now and not lay into the rank inconsistent stupidity that is these two rules of evidence law. But I will not overlook the fact that BRUCE NICEGUY’S NAME WAS ON THE FUCKING REPORT. How is it not 100 percent self-evident that a report about the murder of Bruce Niceguy is relevant at the Bruce Niceguy motherfucking murder trial?! But as usual, when nobody comments on this, it means the writers actually think this explanation passes muster. And Edgeworth, sensing he’s been beaten by the lousiest interpretation of a shitty law in history, howls, “No…Nooooooooooooooo!!!” And he can’t even go cruising at Gourd Lake Park to take his mind off this, because his car is a crime scene!
The judge, at Edgeworth’s uncharacteristic outburst, declares an end to this day of trial. Gant, still on the stand, rubs it in deeper (phrasing) with Edgeworth. “You are becoming a thorn in my side, Worthy…” he says cheerfully. “There’ve been rumors. After all, you were in the defendant’s chair just last year…!” Edgeworth, completely defeated, swears he’ll “get to the bottom of what happened” and make up for signing a piece of paper without reading it and refusing a report because he was distracted by Phoenix’s bulge. Gant threatens him some more, and Edgeworth squeals, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” I can’t decide if Phoenix finds this to be unfortunate and unattractive or a complete turn-on. I could go either way.
Phoenix has some ideas.
The judge piles on a bit too, telling him, “I don’t think there’s ever been an error this serious in the history of this court.” No fucking way is that true. I refuse to believe it. But he grants one more day for Edgeworth to get his shit together, and with that, court is adjourned.
Well, I am completely exhausted by those two monster testimonies. And this is only the first goddamn day! Join Jeanne in part 10 as she delves further into The Case of the Twice-Stabbed Detective and gets to examine an entirely new crime scene with entirely new nonsensical evidence and testimony! She’ll even get to see THE VIDEO. I’ll be back for our exciting conclusion in part 11!