This prompts a summary of Phoenix’s theory, such as it is, from the Judge: the murderer was shot, and he walked off with the bullet embedded in his flesh, and that’s how the second bullet was removed from the scene. Indeed, that is what Phoenix sort of thinks might have happened. But, the Judge says, the two survivors from the elevator had no bullet holes. “The murderer came from outside, yes,” Phoenix responds, still smiling like a dumbass when he should be screaming “DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” I mean, the Judge himself just said the murderer walked off — why would he think the unconscious Yogi and Miles were involved?
Someone — the text box isn’t labeled — narrates the entire scenario again, accompanied by the same still images that I could probably recreate pixel-by-pixel by now. I hate to do this to you guys, because I feel like this version of events must be obvious by now, but I want to be thorough just in case. It starts out the same as Edgeworth’s dream — UGH — and then when young Miles whips the gun at Yanni Yogi’s head, it discharges and the bullet goes through the fancy glass door of the elevator, hitting the murderer standing nearby. A vague gray rendering of the murderer, who certainly could not be anyone we’ve met before, shows him screaming and clutching a bullet hole in his shoulder. “The boy loses consciousness… Then the murderer opens the elevator door and sees the men inside…” says the mysterious narrator, accompanied by another grayish silhouette of the murderer, who wears a high-collared long coat, again unlike anyone in this courtroom. Storytime ends there. Presumably the murderer, bleeding from the bullet wound, shot Gregory Edgeworth at that point for reasons. Too bad we don’t know of anyone who might have hated Edgeworth’s dad.
‘I do not have a throne of boys in my basement!’
After this retelling, the Judge comments, “Mr. Wright. You are truly the most unpredictable defense attorney I’ve ever known. I can tell you’re grasping, yet I cannot deny the possibility of what you say.” I love how faint that praise is. Von Karma finally objects, but his rebuttal is mainly that Phoenix’s claim is bullshit. He doesn’t even ask for proof — the man is slipping. Phoenix doesn’t know of any individuals with unexplained gunshot wounds fifteen years ago — and why would he? — so he’s momentarily flummoxed. But then Maya speaks up. “I just thought of something really crazy,” she begins, like most of what comes out of her mouth is so normal. She reminds Phoenix of the conversation they had with Grossberg the day before, and in case the rest of us don’t remember (we do), the game flashes back to the part where Grossberg described von Karma taking a vacation right after Gregory Edgeworth screwed over his perfect record kind of, which happened on the same day he was murdered.
“What if von Karma didn’t take that vacation because of shock…” Maya begins. “But took it because he was injured!” Phoenix finishes, and then probably takes credit for her idea. I mean, Maya is officially the one who figured out the actual murderer here — Phoenix didn’t have a fucking clue until she brought it up. So yes, now it’s official and I can stop making random allusions to it: Manfred von Karma is the man who murdered Gregory Edgeworth after being accidentally shot by Miles. It’s amazing to me how both Phoenix and Maya knew that von Karma was responsible for orchestrating one person’s murder already, had a grudge against Gregory Edgeworth, has a hard-on for getting Miles Edgeworth thrown in jail, stole all the DL-6 evidence from the records room, and is just creepy and unsettling in general, yet none of those things made Phoenix or Maya connect him to DL-6 in any way. But the guy takes a vacation, and that’s the smoking gun! Honestly, these people. The two of them freak out a bit over this sudden discovery.
The Judge interrupts their freakout to ask if Phoenix has a suspect in mind. There’s no way this will be awkward. The game allows Phoenix to choose whether or not to nut up and speak the suspect’s name, or to wuss out and “save it for a better time.” When the fuck would be a better time? When Edgeworth is bending over to pick up a bar of soap in the prison showers? This is another non-choice, so I pick the option that is most likely to get Phoenix laid and skips some excess dialogue. “Your Honor! There is a suspect…one lone suspect!” Phoenix declares confidently, earning back some of Edgeworth’s sexual interest with his erect finger. Then he nearly jeopardizes their relationship once again by stuttering and sweating, but recovers and names von Karma during a dramatic close-up. “von Karma!?” Edgeworth scowls, trying desperately to act like he isn’t sporting a massive boner over Phoenix acting like a man for once.
Phoenix has trouble discussing female anatomy.
Over the disco porn soundtrack, the Judge stares blankly at Phoenix while von Karma grins like he’s planning revenge on Phoenix’s peehole for that accusation. The Judge finally goes, “You mean, THE von Karma? The prosecutor? Sitting right there?” I was going to say, “No, that other von Karma,” but that would be getting way ahead of myself and into another game. The Judge also wonders why von Karma is just standing quietly and not unloading objections through his voice distortion box. Von Karma is all, “This is bullshit, why get upset over it?” Which, to his credit, is the right way to handle it if he wants to look innocent, which he totally isn’t. Phoenix hasn’t come up with any better reasoning for his accusation, so he just repeats what Maya said about the conveniently timed vacation. No one would ever take a long vacation without a reason! At least Phoenix is acting like he knows what he’s doing here, and isn’t dripping sweat all over his desk.
“So you’re claiming I took a vacation to heal my ‘injury‘ from the incident? Fascinating! Prove it,” von Karma taunts. He claims that if he did, indeed, suffer a gunshot, he would have needed surgery to remove the bullet. “Where did I go under the knife at, Mr. Wright? Bring the doctor that operated on me! Have him testify!” And now I’m picturing von Karma getting gender reassignment surgery. Phoenix knows he’s in trouble here, but Maya thinks they should hunt down this elusive sex change surgeon and get his terrifying testimony.
“It’s no use,” Edgeworth speaks up from the stand. “I know von Karma. Perhaps too well.” Ugh, this is not what Phoenix needs to hear right now. Edgeworth’s unfortunate expertise on von Karma’s sexual proclivities and other quirks leads him to believe that the perfectionist prosecutor would never have undergone surgery, which would have left a witness. Phoenix and Maya don’t think he would have dug the bullet out of himself either. If anyone did, it would be von Karma, though. That man is fucked up. So assuming that von Karma was shot, and that neither von Karma nor a doctor removed the bullet, that leaves one option. Naturally, the rest of us figure it out way before Phoenix does.
Phrasing!
Von Karma, like a broken record, demands proof of Phoenix’s assertion. Which, I have to admit, is not unreasonable in this situation. With a little help from me, another woman, Phoenix is able to provide this proof. “Alright, von Karma, I’ll prove it. And I’ll even use evidence…I know how you like it so much,” Phoenix says smugly, unable to resist the sexy courtroom banter, even though von Karma is his opponent. Old habits die hard. As you’ve undoubtedly determined, the bullet is still embedded somewhere in von Karma’s wrinkled old flesh, and Phoenix wastes several more screens of text outlining this possibility. By random lucky chance, he has been carrying around Gumshoe’s metal detector for the last day and a half, and he whips it out in front of von Karma with a flourish. “Well, von Karma? I’m going to run this over you, and see what we find,” he winks. I am so not okay with this, but I can’t avoid what is right in front of me, unfortunately.
Von Karma vehemently objects to this proposal, on the grounds of privacy or some shit. But he’s starting to show cracks in his confident demeanor, gripping his shoulder and sweating like he’s channeling Phoenix. In the real world, his refusal would probably hold up, but there is no such thing as privacy in the Anal Attorney universe. Von Karma and Phoenix throw increasingly heated objections at each other as Edgeworth struggles with a host of conflicting sensations. The peanut gallery is spazzing the hell out, too. Finally, Phoenix throws back the many times von Karma has insisted they need to end the trial “right here, right now.” The Judge agrees, and allows this invasive use of the metal detector on von Karma’s body.
Seriously, guys, phrasing!
So the process takes place over another Black Screen of Lazy Animators, but luckily you guys have me to describe what is really going on here. Phoenix, brandishing the metal detector at crotch level, saunters over to von Karma and starts moving the metal detector slowly downward along his body. Meanwhile, Edgeworth pops the most confusing boner of his life. As soon as the metal detector reaches von Karma’s crotch, it starts beeping in red font. Now, let me be honest with you — in game canon, the bullet is inside von Karma’s right shoulder, as was telegraphed through von Karma’s defensive posture and the earlier psychic still shot. But I am the recapper, and I’ve recapped over thirty pages of this shit, so I’m going to pull rank and declare that von Karma was shot in the dick. All dialogue after this point will be edited accordingly.
“It reacted! Something’s inside his [dick]! The bullet!” Phoenix exclaims inside his head. Or it could be a piercing. We would have to ask Edgeworth. It turns out that Edgeworth is just as surprised as anyone, so it must be a bullet. “You! It was you!” Edgeworth growls with his most intense frowny face. All those years of submitting to von Karma’s advances for whatever godawful reason, and he was the one who killed Edgeworth’s dad! So tragic! Speaking of tragic, it would be nice if they would just wrap all this up, because it really feels like I’ve been recapping this trial for my entire life, but no. Von Karma somehow manages to recover his composure and plays it off like he had this bullet wound in his dick way before the DL-6 incident ever happened. Man, all these coincidental bullet holes that totally aren’t related to DL-6. What are the odds?
The Judge wants von Karma to prove that his penis bullet has nothing to do with the incident, but von Karma insists that the burden of proof is on Phoenix. Which, again, is technically true, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I feel like reading A Song of Ice and Fire takes less time than wading through these five gazillion text screens. “Well? Can you prove it?” the Judge asks Phoenix. “Can you prove the bullet in von Karma’s [dick] was from DL-6?” If anyone can, it’s going to be Phoenix Wright, penis expert. “Of course he can’t! You don’t have any of the DL-6 evidence!” von Karma gloats, and this would be another great opportunity for Phoenix to bring up the tasing and evidence theft. Instead, he just blue-fonts about it like a shithead. Also, now that the dick shooting has come to light, I can totally see why von Karma would carry around an electric penis replacement. So many things falling into place.
And then something astonishing happens. Unlike all those other times where women and Larry have to do Phoenix’s job for him, for once he stands on his own and puts all the pieces together. With his hands on his hips, Phoenix grins at von Karma and claims, “You were close… one day away from freedom. You see… I have proof!” Von Karma is all, “What the shit is this?!” Phoenix just can’t resist his moment in the spotlight, so he continues, “Who would have thought you would have dug your own grave trying to convict Edgeworth! I can link that bullet in your [dick] to the DL-6 Incident… And here’s my final proof!” I typed that all out so you could better imagine the effect this temporary competence is having on Miles.
Technically I still have to help Phoenix out here and choose the actual piece of evidence, but the game has been so hand-holdy here, I’ll just give him the credit. He doesn’t deserve this favor from me, but I really want him and Miles to get it on, and this is the only way it’s going to happen. Anyway, the “final proof” is, of course, the one piece of evidence that Maya — who also deserves a heap of credit — managed to wrestle away from von Karma in the records room. It’s the bullet that killed Gregory Edgeworth. Von Karma is all, “Crap! How did you manage to get a hold of that!” He realizes that he totally ignored the existence of Maya while he was fondling a passed-out Phoenix, to his own detriment.
Hee…’anal’yze.
The disco porn makes a triumphant return as Phoenix brings it all home. “This is the bullet used in the DL-6 Incident,” Phoenix explains to everyone who wasn’t around to get tased. “The bullet is preserved quite nicely, with all the ballistic markings intact.” “Ballistic markings…” Edgeworth practically moans. Not only is Phoenix using big words and acting like a real lawyer, but he also said “ball.” Just to rub it in von Karma’s face, Phoenix reminds him of the first day of the trial where he acted like such a giant douche about ballistic fingerprinting. Payback is a bitch, motherfucker.
The game again unnecessarily flashes back to the moment in question, breaking Phoenix’s rhythm, but he soldiers on anyway. He surmises that if they were to delicately remove the bullet from von Karma’s dick and compare it with the bullet from Gregory Edgeworth’s heart, the ballistic markings would match. “We would know that both bullets had been fired from the same gun! The very same pistol…in other words, the murder weapon that killed Gregory Edgeworth!” Von Karma starts moaning and groaning and sweating as he clutches…let’s just say it’s his crotch now. So Phoenix has done pretty well up this point, but he’s starting to repeat himself. Like, there’s no need for him to explain the process of comparing the two bullets again. This repetition, as well as the frustration of living with a bullet embedded in his penis for fifteen years, finally cause von Karma to melt down on the stand, and it’s pretty fucking epic.