On the stand, Yanni Yogi takes the opportunity to provide his side of the story, 90 percent of which is shit we already know. During Yogi’s own trial fifteen years ago, Robert Hammond didn’t believe his claim of innocence and told him to act like a brain-damaged dipshit because it was the only way he would be found innocent. So I get that telling your client to lie on the stand is bad, especially if it involves the snot bubble, but I don’t see why this makes Hammond the worst lawyer in the world. Given the legal system in this universe, I’m going to have to agree with Bob that this was the only way to get a not guilty verdict. Oh, but I suppose he should have believed in his client and defended him with integrity so that everyone could feel better about themselves after Yogi got sent to prison. “We won the trial… But I lost everything. I lost my job, my fiancee, my social standing…” Yanni Yogi recalls, as if his fiancee’s suicide shouldn’t be the number one horrible thing on that list.

Then he goes on to tell the story of the mysterious package that arrived earlier this year, the one containing the letter with the diabolical murder plan and a pistol. He didn’t care whether or not it was legit or if someone was setting him up, or if he could get Miles Edgeworth to agree to a midnight boat ride. “Finally, a chance to have my revenge on Robert Hammond and Miles Edgeworth… I have no regrets,” Yogi finishes. Well, that makes one of us. Asshole. The Judge, having missed out on all that wonderful exposition regarding young Miles and his firearms accident in the elevator, asks what Edgeworth did to invite his wrath. “I’m not at liberty to speak on that matter. Why don’t you ask Mr. Edgeworth yourself?” Yogi non-answers, like why the fuck would he hold back now? Oh, it’s fine to frame the guy for murder, but it would be uncouth to sully his name in court without his permission! Fuck this guy. So Yogi officially admits he is the true murderer of Robert Hammond, and we can all move on with our lives. Case closed!

Of course it isn’t, but give me just one moment to fantasize about it, okay? A few seconds later, after the scene fades out and back in, the Judge wonders where Yogi is, like he just teleported out of there during the black screen. Von Karma responds that Yogi was arrested, presumably offscreen, and I suppose he’ll get his own shitty trial which I hope to have no part of. So everyone agrees that Miles Edgeworth is innocent of murder. “In this case, at least,” von Karma adds, like an asshole. The Judge calls Edgeworth to the stand so we can all gaze upon his masculine fuchsia form once again, after staring mostly at icky old dudes like von Karma, Yanni Yogi, and the Judge for what feels like hours.

Over way too many text boxes, the Judge makes sure that everyone in the entire fucking courtroom is okay with him handing down his verdict now. I get why he’s gun shy, since some motherfucker yells “Objection!” at this point 99 percent of the time, but get on with it already. Phoenix blue-fonts to himself about von Karma’s strange silence — after all, the guy admitted yesterday that he’s going forward with this ridiculous shitfuckery about Miles murdering his dad. Plus, it’s just weird that von Karma has shut his fucking face for once.

I’m sure Phoenix would agree with this.

The Judge hands down his official verdict of NOT GUILTY, followed by the victorious courtroom confetti and a view of Edgeworth from behind that makes him look like his sprite has a stick up his butt. After the official adjournment, Phoenix allows himself for a split second to believe he is moments away from vigorous reunion buttsex with Edgeworth in the janitor’s closet. To absolutely no one’s surprise, by which I mean no one who is reading this because everyone in the fucking game is surprised, an “Objection!” rings out over the black screen. The “Who the fuck said ‘Objection’?” spastic cam flashes to the surprised reactions of everyone in the room, but it’s kind of silly because the objection was voice acted and it was obviously Edgeworth. Plus, he’s still on the stand, so everyone would have seen his mouth moving anyway. And then Phoenix blue-fonts, “It wasn’t von Karma…! Wait, but this means…Edgeworth!?” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? If Phoenix doesn’t recognize Edgeworth’s voice, I just don’t even want to live on this planet anymore.

Anyway, despite having plenty of chances to mull it over and speak up about it before, Miles Edgeworth has decided this is the perfect time to address the “truth” of the DL-6 incident. There’s no doubt in my mind he waited until now just to make a dramatic scene about it — he knows how to work this courtroom, after all — and the intense disco porn theme only serves to underscore this. Now that Edgeworth got the reaction he wanted, he points at the Judge with his penis finger and yells, “I object to your judgment!” Like everyone else, he can’t simply get to the point here, and speechifies about how he’s not innocent, there’s a reason Yogi had a grudge against him, blah-de-blah. Phoenix is way too captivated by how hot and in charge Edgeworth looks when he’s pointing and scowling like that, so Maya has to remind him what’s going on here: Edgeworth is about to confess to his dad’s murder. Phoenix acts surprised by this for some reason, and he’s all, “Shit! What to do?” Now I get two choices: to raise an objection or to leave it to Edgeworth. Outside of the bedroom, the first one is more in character for Phoenix, but leads to a longer and more annoying exchange with von Karma. Plus, the second option gets me a much better screencap and it doesn’t even matter what I choose here anyway, plotwise. Let’s leave it to Edgeworth!

Heeeeeeeee

Edgeworth uses his spotlight to retell the DL-6 dream story as theatrically as he can manage, and we’ve heard it already, so I’ll skip ahead to the part where he proclaims, “The murderer… The criminal in the DL-6 Incident… It was me! Your Honor! I confess my guilt! I am guilty for DL-6, the statute of limitations of which ends today! The culprit…is me!” Jesus Christ, Edgeworth. Phoenix needs to put a dick in that mouth. He almost has the chance to do this while the peanut gallery explodes all over the courtroom, but the Judge ruins everything by banging his wood on his desk and calling everyone to order. The Judge finds himself in yet another unprecedented situation, which doesn’t even seem possible given the crazy shit we’ve seen in this game alone, let alone the many other years of undoubtedly crazy shit, but von Karma conveniently has a suggestion on how to handle this. He tells the Judge they should hold a new trial for Edgeworth starting right now, so they can resolve the DL-6 case on the very day the statute of limitations expires. Down-to-the-wire suspense! The Judge needs a moment to decide how to proceed, so he orders another useless five-minute recess — seriously, how about allowing some time for a little bit of foreplay between Phoenix and Edgeworth?

Out in the lobby, the driving soundtrack continues to emphasize the seriousness of Edgeworth’s situation. With his puppy dog eyes in full force, Edgeworth apologizes to Phoenix for undoing all of his hard work just so he could chew the courtroom scenery. Gumshoe, like Phoenix, refuses to believe Edgeworth’s guilt. But Edgeworth is determined to pay the price for his accidental supposed crime. “Murder is murder, no matter what the circumstances,” he states, like he’s Ned Stark now. Meanwhile, Phoenix remains quiet because he is continuing to study the court record for information he can use in his case. Maya doesn’t know what he’s on about, probably because this is the first time she’s seen him read anything. “Huh? Isn’t it obvious? I’m going to prove that Miles Edgeworth is innocent,” Phoenix tells her. I know Edgeworth is trying to be all self-flagellating here, but I imagine he must be swooning a bit over this declaration. He’s not made of stone, although I’m sure Phoenix would enjoy looking at a naked Edgeworth statue.

I’m sure Phoenix would not be averse to a little S&M roleplay.

Gumshoe is skeptical that Phoenix can pull this off after Edgeworth’s long-winded courtroom confession. “I’m sorry, Edgeworth,” Phoenix says to his tormented lover. “But I don’t believe your ‘nightmare.'” He then attempts to one-up Edgeworth in the dramatic announcement department, finishing with, “I’ll prove you’re innocent. Trust me.” “W-Wright…” Edgeworth murmurs as the screen shakes, overcome with more of those unnecessary feelings. Then they make out in the version of the game I created.

Back in the courtroom, where Phoenix’s and Edgeworth’s sprites now have a few disheveled pixels, the Judge orders the trial to resume. Von Karma begins with calling Edgeworth to the stand to give his testimony, because I guess all that shit from a few minutes ago didn’t count. He’ll also allow Phoenix’s “pointless” cross-examination. “Though it’s unconventional for me, I’d like to run this one by the book,” von Karma adds. I’m not even sure what that means — is he saying he won’t use forged evidence this time? Is this something he should even be admitting? Is he going to shut up occasionally? I don’t know what to expect here. Phoenix agrees to this proposal, and blue-fonts, “Von Karma… you knew this was going to happen from the very beginning, didn’t you!” At first I think he’s just referring to everything that happened starting with Edgeworth’s objection after the end of the trial, because why else wouldn’t von Karma have brought up Edgeworth’s guilt himself? But the more I think about it, it seems that Phoenix is referring to everything that has happened in this entire case. Which, no. Nuh-uh. I am not going to buy that von Karma is so amazingly prescient that this was his Plan A all along. He’s been Edgeworth’s mentor for a while now, and somehow knew about Edgeworth’s dream, but he didn’t capitalize on that relationship to guilt Edgeworth into confessing. Instead, he set up an elaborate scheme where Edgeworth would almost get framed for murder, but the truth would come out at the last second after three days of trial, and then somehow Edgeworth would still decide to confess? This is so silly I don’t even know why I’m bothering to debunk it — Phoenix is clearly still caught up in the same undeserved awe of von Karma that made him think the guy retrained a fucking parrot. Jesus.

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I would also like to point out, since it hasn’t come up in a while, that both Phoenix and Maya know that von Karma was the mysterious letter writer Yanni Yogi mentioned, and the one who tried to get Edgeworth framed for murder. I’m going to fanwank that Phoenix hasn’t delved further into the reason for von Karma’s grudge against Edgeworth — let’s face it, poor dead Hammond was just a pawn in his long game — because in his heart of hearts he doesn’t want to face the possibility that von Karma has plowed his sexy boyfriend. Instead of letting von Karma go around tasing people and running the trial, Phoenix should be putting all his mental effort (such as it is) into finding out why. But no, let’s continue this farce of a trial that von Karma clearly has no personal stake in.

It’s called an erection, Phoenix.

Edgeworth returns to the witness stand, where von Karma asks him to state his name and profession. This is Edgeworth’s chance to take revenge on the universe by acting like a stubborn asshat, but he answers the question accurately. Before Edgeworth begins his testimony, which I’m sure will be all new and riveting information, Phoenix blue-fonts that “one detail didn’t quite fit” in Edgeworth’s dream story, and Phoenix knows all about getting things to fit. This detail is the key to the whole case! I wish he’d share that detail with the rest of us. But then the game wouldn’t be such an interactive delight.

Testimony time! As I’m sure you have already predicted, this is seven screens of Edgeworth describing his dream for what might be the fiftieth time this recap, complete with the same still shots. I’m starting to dream about this fucking thing every night. I’m already well past twenty pages in Word, so forgive me if I’d rather not type this all out again. He finishes by describing the horrible scream burned into his eardrums or whatever. I think we’re supposed to assume this was his dad’s death scream, but Edgeworth never comes right out and says this. I mean, of course it was — who else could it be?!

Afterward, Edgeworth mentions that he lost his memory of the murder due to oxygen deprivation, and that’s why he thought the dream was just a dream for the last fifteen years. “Bah! The same claim Mr. Yogi has made!” von Karma says to the memory loss thing. Yeah, but Yogi was innocent, and Edgeworth is here confessing, so I don’t know why he has to be such a shit about it.

So now Phoenix gets to do something that, let’s be honest, he’s fantasized about for a very long time: cross-examine Miles Edgeworth on the witness stand. Ideally, this would have happened with Edgeworth as a standard lying witness to some other crime, and not as the defendant in his own father’s murder trial, but Phoenix isn’t going to get a better opportunity in his lifetime. He has to milk this one for all it’s worth. Edgeworth’s first statement is about visiting the courtroom to watch his father’s trial. “HOLD IT!” Phoenix yells firmly, hiding his obvious boner behind the defense table. He asks for more information about the trial. Edgeworth’s only recollection is that his dad lost to von Karma. Phoenix blue-fonts that this is the trial where von Karma got a slap on the wrist for forging evidence — this might be the first time we’ve had it confirmed that von Karma’s penalty and Gregory Edgeworth’s murder happened on the same day. Again, I’m sure this timing is not important.

‘I had accidentally watched heterosexual porn.’

While Phoenix is enjoying his badgering of Edgeworth on the stand, I’m going to share only a few pertinent details, since I have a limited number of hours left on this earth — I’m over 30, after all. First, Edgeworth admits that he was scared and trembling in the dark corner of the elevator, because he must have had the most withholding father ever. Second, Edgeworth confirms the pistol he threw belonged to Yogi, and “the safety must have come off when it fell from his holster.” Everyone in this game sucks at firearms, including the manufacturers, apparently. And finally, Edgeworth insists that the gun fired once and that he will never, ever, ever forget that very distinctive scream, and he would totally know it on the off chance that he happened to hear it again, which he won’t because it totally belonged to his fatally wounded father.