Continuing along the path to the boat rental shop, a juicy throat-clearing sound startles Phoenix and Maya out of the stupid conversation they started about the boat shop caretaker. Now, there are any number of men who might be in this park clearing fluid out of their throats, but of course it’s Marvin Grossberg. He seems a bit startled to see Phoenix and Maya there, and starts rambling about the lemon-scented days of his youth, but Maya yells at him, offended that he seems so relaxed when the last day of Edgeworth’s trial is tomorrow. I’m not sure why she expects him to give a fuck — he’s probably lost to Edgeworth a bunch of times and isn’t the prosecutor’s biggest fan. Well, okay, every man in this series is in love with Miles Edgeworth, but you know what I’m saying here. Apparently Grossberg was viewing the trial from the peanut gallery earlier and thinks Phoenix has this thing wrapped up, so he wonders what the big deal is. Phoenix vaguely admits that he still has concerns. “If you find anything out, come by my office at once. I may be able to offer you some assistance,” Grossberg tells him. This is still pretty dubious, and it’s probably just Grossberg’s attempt to invite the strapping young Mr. Wright to his private office, but it’s better than anything else Phoenix has so far. Once Grossberg leaves the screen, Maya wonders what the heck he was doing in the area. In a world where this is just a regular public park, the obvious explanation would be that he’s interested in visiting the crime scene where a former subordinate of his was killed. But come on, a man walking alone in Gourd Lake Park? Of course he was seeking out the cock. And now his invitation to Phoenix makes more sense, not that Phoenix is that desperate.
Now Phoenix and Maya can continue their idiotic conversation about the boat shop caretaker. These Einsteins determine that he’s not at the boat rental shop and that he must have run off to escape prison. “He didn’t seem like a bad person…” Maya lies. I mean, she was there for his horrible and annoying testimony, so she knows better. Luckily the boat rental shop is not being used by any of the male park visitors at the moment, so Phoenix and Maya don’t end up walking in on any skin flute rehearsals when they enter the building. Yet again, Maya notes that no one is home — was she expecting to find Grandpa hiding under the table? — no one but the parrot, that is. “I can’t believe he’d run off and leave his poor parrot to fend for herself!” Maya shrieks, because she expects a murderer to draw the line at animal neglect, I guess. Maya wants to rescue poor Polly, but Phoenix does not want to clean bird shit off his already low-quality (and scratchy) office carpet. He makes up some excuse about how kidnapping the bird would be wrong and the police will probably take care of her or something. Is anyone surprised that the police haven’t been by here with a search warrant yet? “Sorry, Polly. He says I can’t take you,” Maya apologizes, causing Phoenix to blue-font, “Great, now the bird’s going to hate me,” which is kind of hilarious.
WHAAAAAAAAAT?!
Speaking of things the police have not examined yet, the safe is still sitting on top of the TV, locked tighter than Edgeworth after Phoenix forgets their anniversary. Maya remembers the bird revealing the safe combination earlier — thank goodness someone around here has a working memory. Phoenix has no objections to snooping this time around, so lucky for them Grandpa didn’t bother to change the combination since their last visit. Maya enters the correct number, 1228, and they are able to access all the fantastic treasures hoarded by this poorly dressed old murderer. Unfortunately for Maya, there aren’t any actual valuables for her to steal, but there is a letter in there. Written by a mystery person to the unidentified boat shop caretaker, the letter contains instructions on how to carry out the murder of Robert Hammond and the subsequent frame job on Miles Edgeworth. Although the letter is not signed, it is handwritten by perhaps the dumbest criminal in history. Maybe it was Larry Butz with his fear of technology. But no, it would have been impossible for him to bone Edgeworth in the park and play dress-up in the boat. Conspiracy theory busted.
Phoenix reads part of the letter out loud against a backdrop of sinister dance music, “Get your revenge on Miles Edgeworth… This is your last chance! Now is your time to get revenge on the two men who ruined your life!” He blue-fonts some more about the contents of the letter, smugly noting, “This is exactly what I figured out today in court! It’s all here… in perfect detail!” Maya wonders who could be behind this overly complicated murder plot/frame job and why the old man at the boat rental shop would have a grudge against Miles Edgeworth. But Phoenix is all, “Fuck if I know! Just be happy we found an actual clue!” He thrusts this hard evidence firmly into the court record for now, then heads over to the detention center to waggle it in Edgeworth’s face.
The depressing MIDI theme is still playing in the background at the detention center — I’m just imagining it’s on loop 24/7 to make the prisoners feel bad for what they’ve (probably not) done. Edgeworth takes a look at the letter, which I’m sure Phoenix is holding at crotch level, but he must not recognize the handwriting since he doesn’t comment on it. He’s more concerned with why this completely mysterious old man would want to get revenge on him than he is about who’s behind all this shit. “Could he be an innocent defendant you got declared guilty or something?” Phoenix wonders, which would be a logical deduction except for the fact that the caretaker isn’t in jail. Edgeworth acts offended at Phoenix’s suggestion, like Phoenix accused him of wearing the wrong fuchsia coat to dinner or having sex with this unfabulous old guy, and claims he doesn’t remember seeing him before.
“So, he was following this letter, then?” Maya wonders. “Which means there was someone else behind it!” Edgeworth ejaculates in shock. Well, yes. Did he even read it, or was he just staring at Phoenix’s bulge the whole time? Phoenix and Edgeworth, in an intense back and forth dripping with sexual tension (I’m ignoring Maya’s contributions here), determine that the two men who ruined Grandpa’s life were Miles Edgeworth and Robert Hammond, and that “last chance” refers to the statute of limitations on the DL-6 incident. They are killing me with the red font here. But who on earth was somehow related to the DL-6 incident, Miles Edgeworth, and Robert Hammond, and would currently be the same age as this unidentified boat shop caretaker? There have been so few details shared about the DL-6 case, it’s impossible to know!
Through several screens of ellipses and sentence fragments, Edgeworth finally has a revelation that, as I mentioned before, dogs (and probably even bunnies) have figured out by this point: “Yogi… Could he be Yogi!?”
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course Maya doesn’t know who the fuck he’s talking about, which depresses the crap out of me, and Edgeworth explains for the benefit of no one except Maya (and possibly dumbass Phoenix), “The suspect in the DL-6 incident. The one who was found innocent.” Thankfully for the sake of my blood pressure, nobody asks what he means by the DL-6 incident. So far they’ve only brought up the possibility that the old murderous man with supposed brain damage and no name is the unaccounted-for suspect from DL-6, but come on, of course it’s him. This opens up a new Yanni Yogi dialogue option for Edgeworth, which leads to another retelling of the DL-6 incident. Fuck this with a spiny acid dildo.
Edgeworth sets up this particular story with a reminder of Yanni Yogi’s occupation and the fact that he was trapped in the pitch-dark elevator for several hours with the two Edgeworths, something that I’m sure Phoenix would fantasize about if Edgeworth’s dad were still alive. “The air thinned… and the darkness closed in on us in that little box,” Edgeworth recalls. And as we know, men in this universe are terrified of boxes. As a result, everyone started losing their shit. The still shot of the elevator incident displays on screen, apparently taken through night vision goggles, and it’s worth noting that Gregory Edgeworth is on the opposite side of the elevator from Miles and right next to Yanni Yogi. Yogi’s pants are also disturbingly tight, which I just now noticed. The sacrifices I make in order to provide you a detailed recap. As Yogi clutches his collar, he screams for help and hyperventilates. Gregory uses up their air by shouting at Yogi to stop using up their air by shouting. Miles develops a fear of earthquakes, but not elevators or the dark. Or maybe he’s afraid of those too — Phoenix will have to dig deeper into this later.
‘Miles, I can’t get a blowjob from this man if you keep talking!’
Anyway, Edgeworth doesn’t remember anything else except for waking up in a hospital bed, which is probably when he found out he was an orphan. Back in the present, Edgeworth looks like he’s about to cry. This is depressing. Before Phoenix can try to comfort Edgeworth sexually, Edgeworth changes the subject to Yogi’s trial: “In court, Yanni Yogi’s mental condition was called into question. They claimed the oxygen deprivation and stress had caused temporary insanity. In the end the claim passed the court, and Yogi was found innocent,” Well, that answers my question from earlier — I’m not sure what that “lack of evidence” shit was about. Let’s just pretend that never happened. So basically, everyone in this universe agrees that Yogi was the actual murderer — he just happened to be found not guilty because he went temporarily nuts. Given that, why is the case still open and why did everyone consider Misty Fey a fraud? No one thinks they went after the wrong guy, just that he wasn’t responsible for his actions. Did anyone at Capcom proofread this script?
Loading ...Of course no one — such as, for example, the daughter of Misty Fey — takes any notice of this. Maya also didn’t notice any red flags in Edgeworth’s story that would indicate why Yanni Yogi would want revenge (or even revenge) on him. Well, there were a lot of missing details in the story, but even so, it’s unlikely that young Edgeworth was one of those irritating shithead kids that you want to dropkick or frame for murder. When Maya asks about this, Edgeworth goes into his emo pose and lets out a short string of ellipses.
“Wright. There’s something that’s been troubling me these last few days. I… didn’t know whether or not to tell you,” Edgeworth says, but before Phoenix starts to panic (again) over what that might be, he remembers that he had this exact same conversation with Edgeworth earlier that day. In fact, we flash back to said conversation, the one about Edgeworth’s murderous nightmare, for the second time in this recap. Edgeworth decides to stop being withholding, after Phoenix and the rest of us have relived “A memory… of a murder” three separate times now.
“For the last 15 years, I’ve had the same dream almost every night. I wake up in a fearful sweat, every time,” Edgeworth begins. It’s not what you think, though — he’s not dreaming of being swallowed by a monster vagina. “It’s a dream about my father’s killing… in the dark.” Poor Edgeworth, no wonder he’s so messed up. It’s still not as terrifying as the vagina nightmare, though.
We flash back once again to the incident in the elevator, with Yanni Yogi asphyxiating non-autoerotically. The dream continues past the part Edgeworth remembers from his waking life, as Yogi becomes even more unhinged and starts attacking Gregory Edgeworth. Of course the same still image is in the background the entire time, since the game designers blew their animation budget on April May’s bouncing tits, but we know what’s happening because young Miles provides us with some blue-font narration. “Then I see the pistol lying by my feet,” present Edgeworth describes, even though the screen is now pitch black and so is the elevator. I guess the photographer who created the still image temporarily loaned him the night vision goggles. “I don’t know if it was evidence from that day in court, or the bailiff’s…” Edgeworth tries to explain the convenient presence of an unsecured gun on the floor by a nine year old, as if either of those options are not silly.
To protect his dad, young Miles picks up the pistol and flings it in the direction of the two men. That is some genius thinking there — clearly doing stupid things with guns is a lifelong habit for Edgeworth. There’s a quick flash to a still shot of young Miles in his bowtie and culottes throwing the fucking gun, surprisingly not like a girl. “(Get away…! Get away from my father!)” Miles strangely blue-fonts. Did Phoenix pick up that habit from his childhood friend, too? It would explain a lot. Suddenly there is a bang followed by a drawn-out scream and flashing screen. “And with that scream… I wake,” Edgeworth finishes, back in the present. “It’s a bone-chilling scream. A scream that has rung in my ears for the past 15 years.”
‘The most terrifying sound in the universe — the sound of a woman orgasming.’
It’s pretty obvious where Edgeworth is going with all this — he thinks that the dream might be what really happened. He’s just been in deep denial about it for the last 15 years in order to stay sane. And if the dream is true, that would make him the actual murderer in the DL-6 incident, albeit accidentally. Returning to the topic of the conveniently incriminating letter, Edgeworth thinks that Yogi’s reason for wanting revenge against him now makes sense. Well, as much sense as anything else in this game, which is to say that there are still a few problems with that premise. For now, Maya and Phoenix are at a loss over what to do. I don’t know, maybe Phoenix should have some time alone with his boyfriend who just admitted he may have accidentally killed his own father? So he can comfort him? And I’m not sure if I mean that sexually this time, because this is some heavy shit. Oh, what am I saying? This is Phoenix and Edgeworth we’re talking about — of course there will be some buttsex involved. I bet even the guard would agree to look the other way for a while. Or maybe they don’t want him to, if you follow me. Come on, you guys, I haven’t made a comment about dudes boning each other for several paragraphs now.
Anyway, Phoenix thinks they might be able to find out more information from someone well-acquainted with the DL-6 incident, which is pretty much everyone in the world by this point. Maya has a more helpful suggestion though, and that’s to visit the person who specifically offered to discuss DL-6 with them earlier. Leaving his beloved Miles Edgeworth alone and full of pain in a dark shitty cell, Phoenix heads over to consult Marvin Grossberg, DL-6 Expert.