Butz is suddenly “shocked” over finding out about Edgeworth’s change in personality, which is clearly an act because a) he has already interacted with Edgeworth in the context of the game, and b) he has likely been boning Edgeworth behind Phoenix’s back for some time now. Based on the evidence from this and other games, Sam and I believe that Larry and Edgeworth have remained in touch over the years. So all of Butz’s shit about “proboscis on his knee” and “oh my word, Edgeworth’s personality is different now?!” is just more lies.
I have to recap the next part of Phoenix’s monologue verbatim, because holy shit: “I tried to get in touch with him I don’t know how many times… He never replied. […] I couldn’t just drop it, though. I wanted to meet him, to learn why he had become who he became. That’s when I decided.” Maya figures out where he is going with this, and sputters for several screens of text before blurting out, “That’s why you became a defense attorney!? To meet Edgeworth!?” This is so amazing on so many levels, it should have fuchsia rather than red font. And Phoenix admits this without any shame at all, just so we’re clear that Maya isn’t misinterpreting his motive.
This is exactly what my face looked like the first time I read this.
I am not shitting you with any of this. This is not me twisting the facts around to make the plot seem even gayer. In the actual storyline, with no recapper embellishment, Phoenix Wright went to law school and became a fucking lawyer because Edgeworth wasn’t returning his calls.
No, seriously, that’s what happened.
Also, is Phoenix the lamest stalker ever, or what? He couldn’t figure out a better way to force a meeting with his man crush than to subject himself to years of school? I’m not saying that law school in this universe is a particularly rigorous undertaking — it’s probably more about blowjobs and sitting in one place going “DURRRRRRRRRR” — but still. Holy crap. The first time I played the game, I had to put down the DS and giggle for a good ten minutes at this part.
As the other two stare at Phoenix for the dumbass he is, he continues to rhapsodize over his fabulous dream man. “Edgeworth believed in me, and I believe in him. He’s in pain… And no one’s on his side.” Well, whose fault is it that Edgeworth is hurting, Phoenix? Wait, probably Larry’s — Sam and I have theorized that he must have a giant dick for either of these dudes to continue to hook up with him and his terrible personality. Phoenix goes on to say that he’s Edgeworth’s only hope and so on, stopping just short of describing what he’d like to do to Edgeworth on a nightly basis. Now, if Phoenix is basing his entire opinion of Edgeworth on their interaction as kids, assuming that he’s the same little boy deep down inside (ew) and nothing could happen that would profoundly change his outlook and personality, then I’m afraid he’s beyond help. He’s just too stupid to live. On the other hand, it’s much likelier that once Phoenix’s plan to meet up with Edgeworth succeeded and the two of them started hooking up constantly, there were moments when Edgeworth let his guard down so that Phoenix could see he’s not really as much of a dickhole as he seems in court. This is the interpretation I’m going with, not only because it makes the story slightly less retarded, but also because it involves them doing it on a regular basis.
Larry breaks into Phoenix’s reverie to ask if Phoenix feels the same way about him and if that’s the reason he defended Larry pro bono at the beginning of the game. Phoenix is all, “Uh…sure.” And then he snidely blue-fonts about not agreeing to this free defense shit. It’s sad that he’s too spineless to stand up to Larry about any of this.
In bed.
I really need to get on with this, because I’ve already written half a normal-sized recap about the origin of Phoenix and Edgeworth’s true love, and I haven’t even gotten to the God damn investigation yet. Not that I’m implying anything is more important than them doing it. Both Maya and Larry are totally caught up in Phoenix’s powerful feelings for Edgeworth, strengthening Maya’s conviction to win this case so her boss can get laid or whatever. She reminds Phoenix that they need to find out the true identity of the boat shop caretaker first, like dogs haven’t already figured out who he is.
Phoenix takes this opportunity to clear out any evidence he no longer needs, which seems kind of arbitrary. Like, how would he know that the photo of Misty Fey or the metal detector will help him out in the future, but Lotta’s deposition won’t? I’m not trying to say that anything related to Lotta could ever be useful, just that Phoenix is acting like he’s totally psychic here. Anyway, I should just stop bitching and be glad I don’t have to look at Lotta’s fucking camera anymore.
Phoenix and Maya ditch Larry and head over to the detention center to meet with the man they’ve been gossiping about for this entire recap. Edgeworth sits on the other side of the glass, clutching his sleeve and looking emo. Maya is all, “Hey, Mr. Edgeworth, Nick told me all about the class trial where you guys fell in love!” Naturally, Edgeworth doesn’t remember this either, except for something vague about his lunch money getting stolen. It’s not obvious whether he’s lying like Larry or not, but Phoenix tries to convince himself that Edgeworth’s forgetfulness doesn’t mean their relationship is doomed. “Well, it probably only really mattered to me anyway,” Phoenix sighs, holding back tears. Edgeworth doesn’t remember their special boyhood moment!
Then Maya has to continue blabbing Phoenix’s deepest secrets. “Mr. Edgeworth, didn’t you know? That trial was the reason Nick became a defense attorney!” I’m not sure if Phoenix is relieved or not that Maya didn’t blurt out the other, more stalkery reason for his career path. He doesn’t seem aware of how incredibly embarrassing and potentially off-putting it is. Edgeworth is all, “Wright, you fucking dumbass.” As Phoenix tries to hide his shame over his boyfriend thinking he’s a total dweeb, Edgeworth continues, “That said… It does sound like the kind of thing you’d do. You haven’t changed a bit, have you, Wright? So…simple. To a fault, even.” Ouch. I mean, Edgeworth is not wrong, but that is fucking harsh. Phoenix keeps his composure, barely, and shoots back, “Well, maybe yeah, but… I think you changed too much, Edgeworth.” This must hit home, because Edgeworth’s eyebrows start shifting like he’s trying not to cry. “Perhaps,” he whispers. God, these two.
Phoenix is so hard right now.
Phoenix comes right out and asks Edgeworth why he changed his career path. The most obvious answer here would be, “Because people sometimes change when they grow up.” But that wouldn’t be dramatic enough for this game, plus everything in Edgeworth’s life has to relate to DL-6. Edgeworth decides that now is the perfect time for him to open up to Phoenix about it: “I couldn’t let myself deny reality like you. […] My father was taken from me, and you want me to defend criminals? I’m sorry, Wright, but I’m not that good of a person!” Man, he just can’t resist an opportunity to stick it to Phoenix, in any sense of the term. Before Phoenix can make a fool of himself gushing over Edgeworth’s kind heart that he’s keeping hidden, Maya butts in with a question about Gregory Edgeworth’s murder.
Okay, I don’t even want to recap this next part, because we have heard the details of this fucking case so many times already. First, we heard about it from Grossberg, then from Edgeworth himself, and then Phoenix and Maya read about it again in the records room. To summarize, Edgeworth is bitter because Robert Hammond, a defense attorney, was able to get Yanni Yogi, the only man who could have committed the crime, found innocent. From that moment on, Edgeworth hated defense attorneys with a passion. This adds another level to his inner conflict over his “unnecessary feelings” for Phoenix, but clearly doesn’t present an obstacle to screwing him constantly. Edgeworth also mentions that he and Yogi both suffered oxygen deprivation while they were trapped in the elevator and lost their memories of the incident. “[Hammond] claimed that Yanni Yogi had been ‘not of sound mind’ due to the oxygen deprivation. Yogi was released due to a lack of evidence…innocent,” Edgeworth tells them. Okay, he’s giving two different reasons for Yogi’s not guilty verdict here — was it lack of evidence or temporary insanity? I guess if it was the same dimwit Judge back then, it could be both. Anyway, I’m sure we’ll hear the whole story multiple times before the end of the recap, so maybe one of the fifty future retellings will clear it up.
If Phoenix were a smart man, he would have picked up on how hypocritical it is of Edgeworth to get upset with Hammond for just doing his job. Didn’t Edgeworth claim his own job is to get every defendant declared guilty? Well, a defense attorney is the opposite of that, genius. But no, they must all be terrible people who love criminals! It makes some sense that Edgeworth would feel that way when he was nine, but he’s a grown-ass man now, with a defense attorney who loves him and is willing to fulfill his every sexual desire. He needs to get over himself.
Butt stuff.
Clearly, Phoenix is still upset over Edgeworth’s earlier comment. That would explain his next question: “What’s your relationship with von Karma?” Phoenix must be suspicious that if Edgeworth dislikes defense attorneys, he must have a thing for prosecutors instead. Oh, Phoenix. Weren’t you just saying that you know the real Edgeworth? Have some confidence that your man isn’t boning von Karma. Oh God, I hope. This next conversation is mostly a repeat, too. Edgeworth gushes over von Karma, and Maya reassures Phoenix that the two prosecutors have a platonic relationship, just like Phoenix and Mia did. We learn the completely new information that von Karma is a perfectionist (or perfectionist) who has never lost a case in his entire career. Everyone makes sure to say the word “perfect” as many times as possible, along with revelatory sound effects so that we know this is an important character trait that might come up later. Edgeworth does admit that it’s unlikely that all of the defendants in von Karma’s cases were guilty, but doesn’t seem too broken up over the fact. After all, von Karma was just doing his job perfectly. It’s not like the court system in this universe is stacked in favor of the prosecution — nope, it’s all because of von Karma’s perfect perfection.
“It’s nigh well impossible to find a weakness in him,” Edgeworth says in the stuffiest manner possible. “Should a weakness appear, he would do everything in his power to make it go away.” He makes it sound like von Karma is Smaug the dragon discovering the weak spot in his chest armor. Phoenix doesn’t explore this statement further, but points out, unnecessarily, that if von Karma is really that fucking perfect, then Edgeworth has no chance in tomorrow’s trial. We have covered this already in an earlier recap, and Edgeworth admits he is torn between his admiration of his obnoxious prosecutorial mentor and his desire to not become the prison pincushion.
As much as Phoenix would love to stick around and make fuck-me eyes at Edgeworth, he’s also kind of bummed out after that talk, so he and Maya head on over to Phoenix’s least favorite cruising spot, Gourd Lake Park. As expected, they run into a gay guy there, namely Detective Gumshoe. Although one would never describe Gumshoe as calm, he’s even more excited today, breathing heavily and punctuating every one of his sentences with an exclamation point. I imagine him screaming every one of his lines in Phoenix’s face while Phoenix flop sweats. “Close one today, eh! I got so worked up, I snapped my tie in half!” Gumshoe shouts, possibly referring to the trial. I mean, I hope he doesn’t generally snap things in half with his hands when he’s worked up in other situations. Agreeing with Phoenix’s theory of the boat shop caretaker as the actual culprit — although Phoenix could have pinned the crime on anyone besides Edgeworth and Gumshoe would still be on board with his theory — he vows to hunt down the old man by tomorrow’s trial. That makes Phoenix kind of sad — what if he has to cross-examine that motherfucker in court again? — but at least he doesn’t have to do the manhunt himself. Although he does like the term “manhunt.” Gumshoe shrieks a bit more, wasting valuable time, and then runs off to catch himself a criminal.
‘Bowing, cravat-wearing, and blowjobs.’
Right when Maya starts pointing out the obvious regarding Gumshoe’s excitement level, Gumshoe suddenly bursts onto the screen again, scaring the shit out of her. He passes along the terribly sad news that the woods where Lotta was camping are now off limits, thanks to the park ranger finding out about a girl in the designated men’s-only cruising park. “I guess Lotta’s in a ‘lotta’ trouble,” Maya comments. Ouch, even Phoenix thinks that was terrible. Personally, I hope they throw the book at Lotta — if she can’t be prosecuted for the mental anguish she inflicted on me and Sam, at least she can get in trouble for illegally camping while having a vagina.
Phoenix and Maya move on after Gumshoe leaves for real, only to find that both Larry and the blow-up Steel Samurai are missing. Maybe the Steel Samurai took off with the Evil Magistrate’s Penis again, and Larry is hunting them down at the various makeout spots in town. Phoenix thinks that Larry is taking a much-needed day off after his harrowing ordeal in court that morning. Maya once again points out Larry’s giddiness over saving Mr. Edgeworth’s bacon. “True. We owe him big,” Phoenix concedes. There’s no way around it — Phoenix is going to be paying out the ass (or in the ass) for months.