First he starts screaming random strings of text, while the screen flashes to every other person in the courtroom so we can see their reactions. Like Sam stated in the last recap, the animation here makes him look like he’s having a stroke. And I don’t mean “having a stroke” like Phoenix and Edgeworth enjoy doing during court recesses. This goes on for a while, until the screen behind Edgeworth goes black and he murmurs, “That scream…I’ve heard that scream before…” But where? Where has Edgeworth mentioned a memorable scream before?! Such a mystery! He has to think about it for a moment, then he remembers. If the universe didn’t have some sort of vendetta against me, we might continue with the “reveal” in the current time. But nope, it’s another fucking flashback to the DL-6 incident. I really should have started a count for this, because God damn. After the exact same setup (again) and same still shots (again), the gun goes bang and we “hear” the bloodcurdling scream. Again. It’s the same fucking flashback. After we return to the present, Edgeworth says, “It’s that scream I heard in the elevator! Fifteen years ago… von Karma! It was you who screamed!” NO FUCKING WAY YOU GUYS. Kill me.

Holy shitballs!

Although, God damn it, Miles. You don’t shoot a guy in the dick. That is not cool. Von Karma continues his psychotic breakdown, twitching and swallowing his tongue as all the still shots of the DL-6 incident flash one by one behind him. “Eh…Edgewooooooorrth…………Ehh…Edgewoooooorrth…… Only…you would…dare…defy me…!” he moans like he’s channeling Prince Adolf from beyond the game portal. And then von Karma turns around, grabbing onto the peanut gallery overhang and repeatedly banging his head against the wall. If I don’t advance the screen, he does this indefinitely. It’s pretty amazing, and also very familiar — this is how I feel the entire time I recap these games. “You and your father are my curse! Your father shamed me with a penalty on my record! And you… you left a scar on my [dick] that would never fade!” He speeds up his banging, much like Phoenix does to Edgeworth in the courthouse men’s room stall. “I… I’ll bury you! I’ll bury you with my bare hands! Death! Death!” he shrieks, and the screen fades to black. Holy shit. Edgeworth’s main takeaway from this is disappointment that his own moment in court pales in terms of drama. In this one instance, von Karma has truly beaten him.

Then, as if I haven’t suffered enough, a text box reading “Fifteen years earlier…” appears on screen, causing me to have my own meltdown. The silver lining is that this is a flashback to something slightly different. Against another black screen, because the game designers didn’t want to come up with a younger character sprite for von Karma, we witness his conversation with the faceless and nameless Chief Prosecutor. Basically, von Karma’s boss isn’t mad that he forged evidence, he’s just mad that von Karma got caught. “I never would have thought that Edgeworth would be the one to catch you,” the Chief Prosecutor scoffs, like there are any other defense attorneys that would have been up to the task. Gregory Edgeworth was the most genius of all attorneys! The Chief Prosecutor hands down the minor penalty, adding, “I’ve covered for you in the past, but not this time.” This is all very vague, except for the part where I guess the entire prosecutor’s office is corrupt. Von Karma screams Edgeworth’s name with lots of exclamation points, so we know he’s out for revenge.

Further proving my hypothesis about the cruel universe, von Karma lapses into Wankese. Speaking of Game of Thrones again, I’m starting to feel like Theon Greyjoy on the torture rack. I’m not going to transcribe this overly long narration, but it’s von Karma describing his hours-long wankst session in the court records room — not to be confused with the other records room from this recap. Everything was pitch black, to von Karma’s surprise — his fog of craziness prevented him from noticing the earthquake, apparently. He continues, “I went out in the hall and felt my way to the elevator. I pressed the button, and nothing happened. Then… there was a noise! I was in pain! A horrible, burning pain in my [dick]!” Yes, I transcribed that part just so I could talk about his dick injury again. Now that we’ve caught up to events that have been covered many, many, many times, the game designers helpfully include the still shots again. Oh, how I missed those for the last 30 seconds. At that very moment, the electricity came on and the elevator doors opened. The three people inside were passed out, and although von Karma would normally have enjoyed the sight of an unconscious young boy in knee socks, his dick pain was too intense. He thought the presence of a convenient pistol at his feet was destiny, and so, bleeding copiously from his genitals, he still managed to put a bullet directly in Gregory Edgeworth’s heart. Insultingly, the game reuses the shooting “animation” from the very beginning of the case, where Yanni Yogi shot at Edgeworth in the boat, for this particular killing shot. Gregory deserved to die! Von Karma’s record was no longer perfect, except it still was! The penalty was so terrible except it affected his career in no way at all! Seriously, how did von Karma not snap and murder a whole bunch of people before this point, if that’s all it takes to set him off?

That sounds like a pretty standard gay porno setup to me.

Von Karma even calls out the way Edgeworth Sr. blamed Yogi via Misty Fey, since the dead defense attorney had no idea who really shot him. I guess he didn’t have Mia’s psychic ghost powers. “He was fooled! It was the perfect crime!” von Karma finishes. And you know, in this universe, he would have gotten off scot free if he hadn’t tried to get creative and pay Edgeworth back for the dick thing. Although John has his own theory on this intense desire for revenge. He believes that von Karma, after suffering a gunshot to the dick, developed a perpetual, excruciating erection. No matter how many times he had his way with Edgeworth and God knows who (or what) else, he was never able to find any sexual relief. We can officially add this fact to VGR canon, thanks to the man I married. Yes, I am so proud of him. In that context, von Karma’s actions become somewhat more understandable, even though I am not forgiving him for what I personally had to endure in this recap. Back in the present, finally, von Karma has managed to recover his composure. Good thing — it would have been awkward to try to handcuff him during the head banging. Also, it’s really too bad for him that he didn’t play it cool all along. If he had insisted that the court take the time to actually remove the bullet from his aching wang and compare it to the DL-6 bullet, he probably could have stalled long enough for the statute of limitations to pass. Then again, this is the guy who handwrote his murder plan. Acting like he still has any kind of authority left after all of that, von Karma orders the Judge with one last finger snap, “Bring an end to this miserable charade!” This is the most sensible thing he has ever said. The Judge complies, and with a bang of his gavel, ushers in a black screen.

And we fade right back in, as the Judge has to provide his final commentary. He’s just as surprised as I am that all of this bullshit is finally over. Well, except for the part where von Karma presumably gets his own official trial before the end of the business day. Not that I want this to drag out any further, so let’s just handwave it as a done deal. “Mr. Miles Edgeworth?” the Judge addresses everyone’s fantasy prosecutor. “You were innocent. You are innocent. As you said, it was all a ‘nightmare.'” Edgeworth just stands there silently, overcome. Poor Edgeworth. He’s had issues for all these years because he secretly thought he murdered his dad, and all he really did was unintentionally shoot von Karma in the dick. The Judge finally declares his official verdict, and with no one there to run in and ruin it for once, Miles Edgeworth is found NOT GUILTY. The confetti that falls in the already confetti-filled courtroom has extra glitter in it today.

Hooray! It’s over!

Well, not yet. In discussing all the details of this case in order to recap it properly, Sam and I discovered that putting all the events in chronological order triggers even more questions and plot holes. We decided it would be fun, especially for cases like this one that involve multiple crimes, to provide a timeline that puts all the pieces together. I realize that this is just one more flashback for you guys to read through, but I hope this one that Sam and I (mostly Sam) compiled is way more entertaining than the five hundredth reenactment of DL-6.

DL-6 Murder Timeline

December 28, 2001

• Manfred von Karma and Gregory Edgeworth face off against each other in court. Manfred wins, but gets in some kind of unspecified trouble for the minor crime of using forged evidence.
• Edgeworths Sr. and Jr. get in an elevator with Yanni Yogi. At the same time, von Karma, raging out because he got in trouble, heads to the records room.
• An earthquake hits and the power goes out in the building. Those three people are trapped in an elevator for five hours. Meanwhile, von Karma is still sitting in the goddamn records room, for five hours. Weird, but okay, he’s a weird guy.
• Arbitrarily, he decides to leave, and gets to the elevator at the EXACT MOMENT power returns and the elevator opens. This is also the exact moment that Edgeworth Jr. throws the gun, which accidentally fires through the glass window in the elevator (incidentally, what fucking elevator has a glass panel in the door?) and tags von Karma in the dick (or shoulder, if you prefer).
• Immediately after Miles throws the gun, everyone in the elevator passes out cold from oxygen deprivation. The idea that an elevator has no ventilation to the outside is absurd, but fine. Let’s also ignore that the bullet hole in the door would have let SOME air in.
• Von Karma opens the door immediately after everyone inside passes out. Now, the fact that the door is open and air is coming in should be rousing these people, but let’s say it’s not, even though they went unconscious literally seconds ago.
• Even though he just got shot in the fucking dick (or shoulder), he has the wherewithal to pick up the gun and shoot Edgeworth Sr. in the chest. Still, no one wakes up. It’s worth noting that even though Edgeworth Sr. and Yogi were struggling just a few seconds ago, somehow they didn’t pass out on top of each other. Nope, von Karma had a straight shot to Gregory’s midsection.
• Von Karma leaves a government building full of law enforcement officials without anyone noticing what had happened, even though there were two gunshots fired in the middle of the building and he is presumably hunched over and bleeding.
• Some time later, emergency personnel or whomever decide to maybe check the courthouse, where the earthquake happened hours ago, for survivors. Three people are discovered in the elevator, two of them still unconscious, one of them dead.
• Police, unable to pin the murder on the closest non-dead person like they always do, consult a spirit medium. The spirit of Gregory Edgeworth blames Yanni Yogi, a major dick move, even though he has no fucking clue what actually happened. Yogi is arrested, and all that other shit happens.

BIG UNANSWERED QUESTION: Now that we have the entire story, it’s time to discuss the giant elephant in the room: what is up with the fingerprints on the murder weapon? We know the police found the gun, but no one ever mentions whether or not there were any fingerprints on it. Three people touched the gun: Yogi, Miles, and von Karma. If there were no fingerprints on the gun at all, it’s because von Karma wiped them — he was the last person to touch it. The police might have assumed that Yanni Yogi wiped them, even though in reality he was passed out. But then when Edgeworth was confessing to the crime, the lack of his fingerprints should have been worth a mention. Namely, if he was the last person to touch the gun, why were his prints wiped off the gun after he threw it? He clearly passed out right afterward, so he couldn’t have done it. So let’s say there were fingerprints on the gun, and von Karma didn’t wipe any off. Wouldn’t it have come up at some point before the present day that Miles had touched the gun? Wouldn’t someone have asked him about it before he confessed in court fifteen years later? And were von Karma’s fingerprints on the gun or not? It’s unclear from the screenshot where he’s holding the gun if he’s wearing gloves, but in the screenshot where he’s clutching his shoulder, he has no gloves on. So if he wore gloves, he would have had to pull them on before picking up the gun, which would have taken a lot more planning than his mental state at the time seemed to allow. If he didn’t wear gloves, then his fingerprints should have been on the gun, and he should have been arrested for the crime many years ago. The fact that he wasn’t and that the cops had no leads brings me back around to the no fingerprints possibility. Which is still ridiculous for the reasons I mentioned. To sum up, it looks like the game designers never thought about any of this, or realized there was no way to make all the different scenarios equally possible based on fingerprint evidence, so they just didn’t mention it at all. Whoops!