“But this assumes that the victim was shot at 15 minutes after midnight,” Phoenix alleges. Even the way that Phoenix is ordering his climactic revelation is annoying to me, because it’s structured to generate maximum skepticism from von Karma and the judge. We know his theory is that Hammond wasn’t on the boat when he got shot, and that no one can prove the other man in the boat was Hammond, so why not open with that premise, and fill in the gaps in the story with evidence? God, Phoenix. Suitably, the judge says this theory is lame because they have the stupid photo of the moment of the murder. “But Larry heard a gunshot 25 minutes before that!” Phoenix cries. “Robert Hammond was killed then! 25 minutes before the shot on the lake!” Even though he’s right, he presents it as this total ass-pull, and even thinks to himself, “That’s the only way that Edgeworth could be innocent!” If it looks like you’re trying to invent a story out of whole cloth that makes your client look better, don’t be surprised if the judge and the prosecutor call you on it, dummy.

The judge and von Karma stare at Phoenix in silence for a moment, until von Karma says, “Mr. Wright. Are you quite mad?” as the music takes a turn for the sinister again. The prosecutor drudges up Lotta’s first photo, and asks Phoenix to identify who the people in the boat are supposed to be in his crackpot theory. The options are the murderer and Hammond, Edgeworth and the murderer, or Edgeworth and Hammond. The first and third options may as well be the same, because we know Edgeworth was in the boat and either choice would lead to Edgeworth and the murderer being the same person. So that leaves option B. “Of course, it was Edgeworth and the murderer!” Phoenix declares. “After the murderer killed Robert Hammond at 11:50… He assumed the guise of Mr. Hammond and met Edgeworth!” The camera pulls back to show the peanut gallery’s reaction to this, and I’m amused to see Larry still waiting uselessly on the witness stand.

…Answering the weirdest Craigslist posting ever.

The judge hammers his gavel a few times to get everyone to settle, and blurts out at Phoenix, “Wh… What!? Are you serious?” Phoenix replies, seriously, “Yes. Edgeworth won’t tell us why he went to the lake that night. However, I have a hunch.” This is totally the right time to remind everyone that your client is withholding information. “That night,” Phoenix continues, ignoring me, “Robert Hammond called Edgeworth to the lake. Now, Edgeworth didn’t know Robert Hammond’s face that well. That’s why he didn’t suspect anything when the murderer took Robert Hammond’s place!” He could have said all of this without framing it as, “Edgeworth’s hiding a BIG OL’ SECRET, Your Honor, but here’s what I think!”

While von Karma scoffs that this theory is “ludicrous,” the judge asks Mr. Big Swinging Defense Dick to give them the name of this master of disguise. Phoenix’s options are Edgeworth, Lotta Hart, and “I don’t know.” Wow, what a puzzling array of choices. Phoenix is tempted to say Lotta, just because he hates her, but the answer is “I don’t know.” But it’s not that Phoenix is admitting he has no clue–he just doesn’t know the murderer’s name since von Karma was so negligent as to allow a witness who wouldn’t provide one. Edgeworth’s diligence in pursuing names of all witnesses makes so much more sense now. “The murderer is the caretaker of the boat shop, that old man!” Phoenix clarifies. “At 11:50, he was the one who killed Robert Hammond.” The judge asks how he managed this when there were no other boats out there, and for once Phoenix cuts the bullshit. “Why would he have to go all the way out on the lake just to shoot someone?” Why indeed? Why, in fact, would anyone do that? “May I suggest…” Phoenix finishes with a smirk, “That the real scene of this crime was not in a boat!” Somewhere, T-Pain is super disappointed.

The judge asks Phoenix to show where the murder did take place, if not on a boat, since he’s so fucking smart all of a sudden. On the map, Phoenix identifies the boat rental shack, and not the back of Lotta’s SUV, though that would be pretty funny. Then again, Edgeworth was probably waiting for Larry in there, naked and tied up with those international flag strings. Phoenix alleges that the shack was perfect because they wouldn’t be seen, but von Karma points out that he has no proof whatsoever of a murder taking place there. But Phoenix taps his “notes” with scribbled kittens and rainbows on them and says, “Recall Larry’s testimony, if you will.” The map returns, in animated form, this time with a tiny boat sprite in the middle, hunting aimlessly for the stupid Steel Samurai. “That night he was out on the lake in a boat, searching for something.” As the boat returns to the dock, Phoenix narrates, “He finds it, and returns the boat. Then, just as he’s starting to head for home, he hears a gunshot! He heard a gunshot, Your Honor! Even though he was wearing headphones at the time!” Phoenix reasons that it must have been very close for him to hear it, and he happened to be walking right past the boat rental shop.

Again, the peanut gallery goes wild, and again, the judge looks angry and confused. He asks Phoenix to tell them how the whole crime went down from the very beginning, like the end of a Scooby-Doo episode. Maya asks if he can handle this, and he makes me facepalm when he admits, “Um, not really. But, I think if I start at the very beginning… And I take it slow, I might just be able to figure this out…” I am beginning to worry about Phoenix. He seems to have this mental problem where he can only use reason and make deductions at the precise moment he is explaining those exact deductions out loud. He might have a tumor.

Okay, so from the beginning, then. Phoenix has already explained the first part of the theory: Grandpa met with Robert Hammond at his shack around 11:50, killed him, and stole his coat to pretend to be Hammond. This part is accompanied by a black-and-white still of Grandpa gunning down a terrified Hammond, so we know it must be true. Then he met Edgeworth and got in a boat with him. It’s honestly hard, now that I’m thinking about it, to picture no-nonsense Edgeworth amiably agreeing to get in a rowboat in the middle of the night with this person who may as well be a complete stranger. You’d think he would have demanded a reason that they couldn’t talk right there.

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The judge asks here, stupidly, who fired the pistol in the boat. Phoenix has made his feelings on this clear, but repeats that it was Grandpa, and not Edgeworth, who fired the gun. “Of course, it was the murderer who shot the pistol,” Phoenix says, over an image of Grandpa firing into the water while Edgeworth and his frilly cravat recoil in terror. A second “bang!” noise backs up Phoenix’s narrative that he shot twice. “Both missed Edgeworth, on purpose,” he adds.

‘Why don’t you just buy a fishing pole?!’

At this, the judge tells Phoenix to hold the phone, because he hasn’t exactly made a convincing case for why anyone would just shoot two bullets into the water. Phoenix, for all his condemnation of Larry for speaking without thinking, was clearly winging it here and gave no thought to this himself, since he sweats and says inwardly, “Details! Details!” Von Karma says to Phoenix, “The moment you run out of explanations is the moment you lose,” and demands to know why Grandpa wasted two precious bullets. Phoenix has to choose between “Because the first shot missed,” which is obviously wrong by Phoenix’s own admission, and “To create a witness.” Okay, whatever. Still winging it, Phoenix explains that, when Grandpa fired the first shot, “That ensures that anyone who heard the shot would look at the lake.” Because he totally knew in advance that there was a lone nut with an IQ of 70 camping out with binoculars. And then he fired again, so Lotta would get the show she paid for? Okay, fine. “Then…” Phoenix finishes, “The murderer jumps from the boat himself! Leaving the pistol in the boat behind him.” It had to be a happy bonus that Edgeworth was temporarily stupid enough to pick it up.

This “create a witness” theory more or less works, I guess, except that anyone who was in the area at that exact moment was probably also around when the first shot was fired at 11:50. I mean, given that Lotta and Larry were both there to hear that, Grandpa was lucky nobody called the police before he could even put on his little show with Edgeworth. The entire plan seems predicated on no one being in the vicinity for the actual murder, but at least one person being around 25 minutes later. Which is a really shaky thing to assume. But pay no attention to me. This plan was genius!!!

Phoenix and the judge discuss this for a minute, mostly repeating how perfectly airtight this scheme was, only to be undone by Lotta’s camera, when it really could have been undone by any number of details totally outside Grandpa’s control. Anyway, Phoenix finishes, “The boat shop caretaker swam back to his shop. Then he put Mr. Hammond’s wet coat back on the body. And threw the body into the lake!” Phoenix puts his hands on his hips in satisfaction, like he totally thinks he’s getting laid for this. “This is what happened, Your Honor. These are the events that transpired that night on Gourd Lake.”

I’m totally expecting von Karma to jump in here and tell Phoenix with his sly smile that he walked right into his trap of explaining the murder perfectly after hearing the unprepared testimony of some random asshole who spends all his spare time in a tanning bed. But the world’s rapiest prosecutor keeps his mouth shut as the judge orders the bailiff to find Grandpa so they can question him again. “Very well,” the judge says as the bailiff runs out. “While we are waiting for the caretaker… I would like to ask the defendant, Miles Edgeworth, a few questions.” He asks Edgeworth to take the stand.

‘This is awkward.’

Edgeworth replaces Larry on the stand, looking more than a little uncomfortable. The judge asks if he has been paying attention to all the endless talking Phoenix has been doing, like he’d be doing something else with his life on the line, like painting his nails or reading Us Weekly. “Well?” the judge asks. “Why did you go to the lake that night?” Edgeworth pauses to stare sulkily at the floor for a moment, but answers, “What Wright has said was mostly correct. Astonishingly so, actually.” Heh. Even when he’s not the prosecutor, he just can’t stop himself from making fun of Phoenix. It makes their evening courtroom roleplaying that much more passionate, after all. Anyway, I’ll just let Edgeworth take it from here, since he actually has relevant facts to share. “Several days ago, I received a letter,” he tells the court. “The letter was signed, ‘Robert Hammond.'” First: who writes letters anymore? Other than the same people who use portable radios (i.e., Larry)? Second: did he sign his name in red ink? I hope so. Anyway, he goes on, “He asked me to come to the boat shop by the lake at midnight on Christmas Eve. He said he had something very important to discuss with me.” The judge is totally on the edge of his seat, here, but Edgeworth will not explain what that was. For sure it was something about DL-6, but the judge doesn’t have the opportunity pull it out of Edgeworth (hee), because at that moment the bailiff comes rushing back in. That was fast. “The witness has disappeared!” the bailiff yells. “He isn’t at the boat shop, either!” Grandpa’s probably halfway to Aruba by now, but the judge orders a manhunt anyway.

“Mr. von Karma! Your witness has disappeared!” the judge says sternly. Von Karma just grips his sleeve in agitation some more and says there’s a search warrant out already. I guess for his shack? Search warrants are for places, not people. But the good news is that the judge won’t declare a verdict with a witness on the lam, and extends the trial for one more day. And not only does he want the police to find Grandpa, but, he adds, “One more thing. Just who is that boat shop caretaker? I think his identity has become very important to this trial. I want him, and I want to know who he is.” This should be obvious, but I kind of love the idea of the police dragging him back before the court and convicting him of murder while they still don’t even know his name. As for who he is, it should be obvious, but we’ll have to let Jeanne cover that. But I will say that Edgeworth should have figured it out. Either he hasn’t and he’s embarrassingly clueless, or he has and he’s not telling Phoenix for no defensible reason.

Court is adjourned for now, so it’s time for a little post-game recap in the lobby with Phoenix, Maya, and Edgeworth. Phoenix and Maya agree that Larry saved their asses, even if he did it in his inimitable, dimwitted Larry way. “I just wish our cases weren’t so down to the wire all the time,” Phoenix says, like preparing a little better wouldn’t help with this at all. Maya agrees, adding, “Sometimes I feel like it’s us on trial instead of our clients!” Being on trial is so hard on them! They’re the real victims! Oh, hey Edgeworth.

‘I really wish I hadn’t just heard that.’

Edgeworth is hovering at the outside of their team huddle, trying as hard as he can to not hear the confidence-shaking stuff Phoenix and Maya are saying about this case. If he were Will Powers, he’d be soaking through his lace hankie. Maya tells him, “Don’t look so pained!” like she just walked in on him and Phoenix naked in the coat closet. “I mean, it probably looks like you’re going to get off the hook! You could try to smile just a little…? Relax!” Oh, Maya. Miles Edgeworth, relax? With you two as his defense? If he had a lump of coal in his ass at the beginning of today’s trial, he could probably pull out a diamond and propose to Phoenix right now.

Edgeworth tells them, still looking emo, “I’m sorry… But…I fear it’s not over for me yet.” And the “Oh fuck” music has keyed up on the lobby speakers, so Phoenix knows this is bad. “Wh-what do you mean?” he asks. Edgeworth stares him seriously in the face and replies, “Wright… There’s something that’s been troubling me for a long time now. And I don’t know whether or not to tell you…” Oh my God, this is it, isn’t it? He’s finally going to tell Phoenix that he’s really Kiyance.

Phoenix is totally fucking scared now, like Edgeworth is going to break up with him and he’s going to cry in front of everybody. Edgeworth is still hemming and hawing. “No…there’s so little time left,” he overdramatizes. “I want to tell you, to get it off my chest, but…” Holy crap, Miles. Spit it out, already! That’s the only time I’m ever going to give you that advice! “What is this about, Edgeworth?” Phoenix asks, terrified of the answer he’ll hear. “It’s…a nightmare I’ve had,” Edgeworth finally responds. “A memory of a crime…that I committed.” Oh, honey. I know wearing Zubaz even once is a crime, but it’s nothing to have nightmares about. Phoenix Shions back, “A crime you committed?” so Edgeworth can say, all in red like an asshole, “A memory…of a murder.” He frowns at Phoenix–who is probably relieved it wasn’t cancer or another man or a desire to become a woman–as the scene fades to black and the chapter ends.

Okay, that’s all I can manage to write for now about gay lawyers, wild west shows in the middle of a lake, and senile parrot owners. Join Jeanne for the exciting conclusion in part eight, in which Manfred von Karma will totally continue to be a force for good, and not a murderer.