Despite Phoenix’s justified fear that Larry will start talking about his most intimate sexual secrets in front of the entire courtroom, I have him press Larry like crazy. He first establishes that Larry was out on the lake after 11:00 that night, when he was unlikely to be seen. I’m not sure, come to think, why that matters. Who cares if Larry lost a wayward inflatable children’s icon in the lake and wanted to look for it? Is that illegal? But when Phoenix presses him to explain what it was he was looking for, von Karma objects. “What the witness was searching for is irrelevant!” he snits. “Most likely he was hunting for this ‘Gourdy’!” Yeah, if Gourdy is Larry’s nickname for Edgeworth’s penis, maybe.
Use your words, Phoenix!
Nothing else Larry says after being pressed is all that illuminating, except for Larry protesting that he’s not a “human sundial,” providing me with the mental image of Larry swinging his dick in a slow circle to indicate the time. So finally, Phoenix thinks to object to Larry’s clearly screwy final statement, that he only heard one gunshot. He digs Lotta’s deposition out of the court record and waves it in Larry’s stupid face. Larry seems perfectly confident about this statement, but Phoenix takes him to task for not absorbing Lotta and Grandpa’s testimonies. “They both heard two gunshots that night!” Phoenix says. “Were you even listening!? Were you paying attention at all to what they said?” Jesus, calm down, mom. To this, Larry simply says, “You know, something’s been bothering me. I’m a witness, see? I’m like a customer here! So you got to treat me nice and stuff, okay!?” Phoenix throws ellipses at him while he works to control his breathing. These two were the couple no one wanted to invite to dinner parties because they’d spend the whole evening alternating between sobbing in separate bathrooms and making out on the coffee table.
As it happens, after both Phoenix and the judge ask Larry if he’s sure he only heard one gunshot, he admits, “Well, to tell ya the truth…I’m not sure.” Phoenix is just like, “Christ, Larry.” But Larry does have a possible reason he missed hearing something: “I, uh, might have missed the other gunshot. I was, uh, listening to something else…” Phoenix wonders what he could have been listening to–he is missing all his Duran Duran CDs–but Larry clarifies, “My radio, dude! On my headphones.” Phoenix and the peanut gallery erupt into scandalized babbling that may as well be a chorus of, “A fucking portable radio? Do they even make those anymore?”
So Larry was listening to the radio, as he insists “everybody” still does, and doesn’t get what everyone’s damage is. The judge asks for von Karma to weigh in, and he replies, still looking all butthurt that he even has to do this, “Waste of time. I do not accept this witness, nor his shoddy testimony.” That should be “or,” chief. The judge has to check with Phoenix to see if they should just ignore Larry and give the prosecution the win because von Karma said so. Totally reasonable! Let’s do that. Obviously, Phoenix asks for Larry’s testimony to continue, despite how terrible it is. I mean, yes, Larry is apparently 80 years old and carries around a portable radio, but the testimony is not really any worse than, well, any testimony ever heard in this courtroom. Von Karma is unhappy, and calls Phoenix “pitiful” for not giving up on his nubile silver fox of a client, but does not object further. “Very well, Mr. Butz,” the judge says. “Please give your testimony, and be sure to include details like your RADIO.” Even the judge thinks that’s ridiculous, and he probably sees them all the time at his seniors gym. Larry ignores the judge’s burn and gives another thumbs-up, exclaiming again, “Right! Leave it to me!”
Possibly to guilt Phoenix into not hanging out with him over the holiday, or more likely to cover up what he was doing to with Edgeworth that evening, Larry opens with, “It’s lonely, being alone on Christmas Eve! That’s why I was listening to an all-requests show on the radio, see?” If he’s not making that up, that may be the saddest Christmas Eve ever. Anyway, Larry had to make sure he could hear every vibration in Casey Kasem’s throat, so he could feel something while he cried and jacked it in his lonely little rowboat, so he had it turned up, “real booming loud, like.” But, he says, he heard the single gunshot for sure. “I remember exactly what the DJ was saying when I heard it, too.”
The judge asks, “You were listening to your radio…at a high volume!?” I know why the judge has a problem with it, as does Phoenix, but it’s still funny that he’s all offended at this young whippersnapper having his radio turned up too loud. The judge is trying to watch PBS News Hour over here! Larry effectively thumps his chest and screams, “I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA,” because he still doesn’t get it. Von Karma thinks this calls into question everything Larry has said. “What he heard was probably nothing more than a drum beat from the radio!” he tells the judge. He heard one of those hip-hops the kids love! This testimony is quite the grumpy old man honeypot. The judge agrees and is about to yell at Larry to get off his lawn when Phoenix objects. “Wait, your Honor!” he cries, slamming his palms on his bench like a drum beat on the radio. “The witness said he remembers exactly what the DJ said when he heard the gunshot!” This piece of the testimony, unfortunately, went over the judge’s head because he has to ask, “Excuse me? ‘Dee-jay’…?” Oh, come on, your honor.
‘I’m in love with Miles Edgeworth and I don’t care who knows it!’
Phoenix manages not to roll his eyes as he explains the concept of a DJ. “Anyway! What this means is, when he heard the sound, no music was playing!” Phoenix deduces. “The DJ only talks between songs! So he could have heard the gunshot from the lake!” I don’t know what DJs Phoenix has listened to in his life, but most of them are fucking chatterboxes, and if Larry’s volume was way up he was no more likely to have heard anything between songs, either. But Phoenix has to say something to get the chance to cross-examine, even if it’s stupid and wrong.
There’s obviously only one thing to gain from pressing Larry, so let’s just skip right to his final statement, that he remembers what the DJ said at that moment. “What did he say?” Phoenix wants to know. Von Karma thinks this question is pointless, though he did not object to all the other, more pointless pressing Phoenix did. So clearly we’re on the right track. “What possible good could knowing what a radio DJ said do us!?” In 99 percent of cases, no good at all, I agree. But here, it might actually matter! The judge, meanwhile, agrees with von Karma, but will let Phoenix continue this line of questioning if he can tell them why anyone would care about some DJ’s anecdote about being spit on by Gwen Stefani at a concert once. Of course, Phoenix cannot actually come up with a reason, and lamely asks, “W-well, how do you know if we don’t ask, hmm?” Shockingly, the judge finds that an acceptable reason.
But he does. Poor Phoenix.
At the judge’s prompting, Larry appends to his testimony, “Just when she said, ‘Hey! It’s almost Christmas!’ I heard the gunshot.” What a boring and totally contrived thing to remember. Phoenix asks for what feels like the thousandth time if he’s sure of this, and Larry replies unconvincingly, “She had this real sexy voice…” like anyone here is buying that shit. Reading my mind, Phoenix blue-fonts, “This is the most ludicrous testimony I’ve ever heard…” Oh, he means the whole thing. Well, whatever–he’s just biased against anything that comes out of Larry’s lying, cheating mouth. “But there is one gleaming ray of hope in there!” he insists. And he’s used to gleaming rays of hope only coming out of Edgeworth’s penis.
Phoenix presents Lotta’s deposition again, which says she heard two gunshots after midnight. “Huh? What’s with the face?” Larry asks, a little rudely. He used to love Phoenix’s face! “You look scary, dude.” Larry and the judge both act like Phoenix has lost his mind, leaving Phoenix to explain the contradiction, over several more screens of text than are necessary. “‘Almost Christmas’ means it wasn’t Christmas!” he duhs. “Do you realize what this means? When he heard the gunshot, it was still Christmas Eve!!!” Three exclamation points for that? Really, Phoenix? “Both Ms. Hart and the old man said it was after midnight when they heard the shots!” Phoenix continues smugly, tapping his prop sheet of paper. “In other words… When they heard the gunshots, it was already Christmas!!! This is a clear contradiction, Your Honor!”
The judge lays it out: Lotta and Grandpa heard two gunshots after midnight, but Larry heard one before midnight. Obviously the answer is there were three gunshots, since the gun was fired three times. But von Karma’s answer, that Larry is a clueless dipshit whose brain has been rotted by Satanic rock music, also has its merits. “Just look at him!” von Karma insists. “Suspicious!” Hee. Larry screeches “Wh-whaaat!?” with his severely constipated face on, unafraid that von Karma looks like he might fly through his bedroom window later.
The judge asks Phoenix what he thinks, and though he hates ever saying these words, Phoenix chooses, “Larry’s right.” He hasn’t put it together yet, but saying Larry’s wrong basically ends the trial. Of course, von Karma can tell he’s bluffing thanks to his pedo-vampire powers, and asks for evidence of this “wild claim.” But Phoenix actually does have evidence, thanks (ugh) to Lotta: her second photo of the empty lake, which was taken at 11:50. “But, there’s nothing on the lake in this picture,” the judge says with some measure of disappointment. He wanted blood! Blood!
“Your Honor,” Phoenix states confidently, and we know when he starts addressing people before speaking, he’s in the zone. “The real issue is not why nothing is shown in this photograph. It is why this photograph exists at all!” To my chagrin, the judge is still confused, so Phoenix has to walk him slowly through the explanation of Lotta’s camera and dick mic again. When the judge finally goes “Ahah!” to this, feeling like a regular Sherlock Watson, Phoenix praises him. “Correct! There was a loud noise on the lake at 11:50 PM. That is why this photograph was taken!” But, Phoenix reluctantly admits, Lotta was right, too, leaving the explanation that Larry heard one gunshot at 11:50, and Lotta heard two more at 12:15.
Now, this isn’t quite what Lotta said. She only testified about two bangs, and only has two photos. But I’m willing to believe that, given that she has to change her roll of film every time the goddamn camera goes off, she only ended up with one photo triggered by the latter two noises. She still should have heard three bangs that night, but maybe she was listening to an Ann Coulter audiobook even louder than Larry had his radio turned up, and missed one. Unlike many things in this series, this story is inconsistent but reasonably explicable.
Getting back to the matter at hand, von Karma presents another problem: Phoenix has presented no proof that the sound Larry heard was actually a gunshot. He still thinks it’s a drum beat, doesn’t he? Silly Manfred. “Why, the witness could have sneezed, triggering the camera!” he insists. I hastily present the camera, which we know would not, at the time, have triggered from a sneeze in the middle of the lake, but the judge tells Phoenix to get his head in the game and stop presenting the wrong evidence like the bush-league clown he is. Oops. On the second try, Phoenix presents the gun. “Something about the pistol was bothering me, Your Honor,” he says, finger stroking his chin in that way that makes Edgeworth break into a cold sweat. “Both of the witnesses who testified yesterday heard two gunshots. However, the murder weapon was fired three times. When, then, was the last shot fired? Only now have I realized the truth.” He slams his hands down, stopping the music dead in its tracks. “That third shot was the shot Larry heard just before midnight!”
The peanut gallery, of course, goes crazy at this, even though it had mostly already been stated, just without the gun tying it all together. “Hmm…” the judge says. “That would make sense of the evidence we’ve seen so far.” But now he wants to know what the fuck was going on at Gourd Lake, which must in his mind resemble the OK Corral at this point. Von Karma agrees. “If this is true, there were two sets of gunshots, separated by 25 minutes!” He snaps his fingers and demands of Phoenix, “Why, I ask you! Why!?”
Sadly for von Karma, putting it in these exact terms triggers the Dr. House Eureka Moment in Phoenix, even though he said before this that he realized the truth. Apparently not all of it! He explains to Maya that it’s the same basic principle they saw in the Steel Samurai case: “The murderer in this case had the same idea as the murderer in that case!” he tells her cryptically. Maya goes, “What do you mean?” because it really was a terrible explanation, but Phoenix has no time to break it down, and just asks her to slap him if he says anything too stupid. Maya should start by giving him about a hundred slaps for past transgressions.
Phoenix turns to the judge. “The testimony just now has cleared up the entire case!” It’s worth noting that Larry’s testimony didn’t actually clear up anything–Phoenix already had the second blank lake photo and the knowledge that the gun had been fired one more time than they were accounting for. He could have figured this out without Larry. But look at me, expecting Phoenix to do his job without being saved by his knight in shining orange jacket.
Von Karma, tsking again like an asshole, asks Phoenix if he’s realized the truth, that “There can be no other murderer here than Miles Edgeworth himself.” But Phoenix just shakes his gelled little head and says, “Wrong, von Karma!” You know he gets a giddy little thrill every time he gets to say something like that. In his head he’s probably putting on sunglasses. Von Karma calls him a “rookie” and urges him to use his head, and not that other head, to analyze the facts concerning his boyfriend. “At the time of the murder, one boat was on that lake,” he says. “This was shown by the witness’s photograph. The defendant, Edgeworth, and the victim, Robert Hammond were on that boat. There was a gunshot fired on that boat, and Robert Hammond fell into the lake. The distance of the shooting was one meter. It couldn’t have been suicide! Well? The guilty party has to be the other man on that boat!” The judge agrees that it’s hard to imagine it going any other way.