“Objection!” Phoenix shrills just in the nick of time. He’s all, “You dumb fuckers, what about my cross-examination?” Von Karma thinks such a thing is pointless, since the evidence is all so very, very engorged and throbbing. “This photo is worth a thousand words… and they all read ‘guilty’!” he insists, thinking he’s clever. I can spend about a thousand words on that photo, and I guarantee you none of them would be allowed in this Teen-rated game. “Do you claim to have found a contradiction in her testimony!?” von Karma scoffs, grinning some more. He needs to stop that. When Phoenix doesn’t respond except to look determined, von Karma decides to allow the cross-examination. The Judge is pretty much completely checked out by now, probably working on a coloring book with the crayons he stores under his bench. “You will only flounder and ask meaningless questions,” von Karma predicts. “You will fail to find anything! And then, I will have you held in contempt of court!”
Wait.
Hold the phone.
“Contempt of court”? The Anal Attorney universe actually has something called contempt of court? This entire court is in contempt of court. So far in just this game, we have witnessed toupee throwing, mouth foaming, death threats, defendant switching, doctored evidence, wardrobe malfunctions, blackmail, excessive perjury, channeling of dead people, and a prosecutor openly insulting the judge. And that’s not even counting all the unethical sex acts taking place between two lawyers on opposing sides of a case. All of these have passed without comment. But suddenly, pressing a witness on her crap testimony is not okay? I call bullshit. This contempt of court thing has to be something von Karma just made up to intimidate Phoenix.
Maya doesn’t understand this concept either. Phoenix explains it to her thusly: “‘Contempt of court,’ you know?” Yeah, he’s clueless, too. But Phoenix thinks he noticed something odd with “one little thing” in Lotta’s testimony. That one little thing being that she made most of it up. Well, the worst that can happen if Phoenix insists on doing his job is that he gets thrown in jail for contempt of court, and that’s where Edgeworth is, so…hey, there’s no downside to this! Press away, Phoenix!
Edgeworth would not appreciate you calling it little.
Pressing on most of Lotta’s statements just results in Phoenix asking for clarification on pointless stuff, as usual. Von Karma wastes no time in yelling “Objection!” in his South Park Satan voice, which makes me picture him singing a ballad on the S.S. Manhandler or having an argument with Saddam about his feelings. It is very distracting. At one point, Phoenix asks Lotta for more information on her supposed research, but von Karma spams him with objections, forcing him to back off. Phoenix wonders why von Karma is so touchy about Lotta’s occupation, but doesn’t press any further for some reason.
Phoenix also presses Lotta on the statement she made about seeing the “two gents.” “Could you clearly see the two men?” Phoenix wonders. This is a very pertinent and dare I say intelligent question — I just wanted to call it out because it’s such a rare occurrence. Lotta tries to point Phoenix to her blurry photo as proof of what she saw. “I wasn’t asking you about the photo! I was asking if YOU saw the two men!” Phoenix yells before he’s forced to see that stupid photo again. Just as Lotta starts to answer in the affirmative, von Karma roars another objection and yells at Phoenix some more. To Phoenix, this comes across as a big attempt to distract him, so he knows he must be on to something. The cross-examination continues in this way, with Phoenix trying to ask questions and von Karma objecting and being a dickhole. The Judge continues to color in his coloring book, most likely with a fuchsia crayon.
The last piece of information Phoenix manages to get from Lotta is that she “scanned the whole lake” after the first shot rang out, and that’s how she knew there weren’t any other boats. Phoenix concludes via blue font that maybe the boat wasn’t the focus of Lotta’s attention. But of course von Karma puts an end to that line of questioning, too. I kind of want Phoenix to yell, “Dude, just shut the fuck up for two seconds!” I know von Karma’s just doing his job, but God damn. I think we’ve all socialized with conversation monopolizers like von Karma, and there’s a reason they have no friends.
Due to von Karma’s lack of subtlety, Phoenix now knows that he is exceedingly touchy about the following two topics: Lotta’s reason for taking photos of the lake that night and whether or not Lotta clearly saw Edgeworth committing the crime. Maybe if Phoenix had bothered standing up to von Karma instead of just rolling over and taking it, he would have the opportunity to press Lotta on those issues some more. Sadly for him, his lack of testicular fortitude has allowed the chance to pass. The Judge calls a halt to Phoenix’s cross-examination, since he was unsuccessful in finding a contradiction. Phoenix weakly tries to argue, but von Karma’s snappy fingers put him in his place. Von Karma orders the Judge to “keep [his] promise” and the Judge puts his crayons down long enough to agree. “I am afraid that I will have to penalize any further outbursts… By holding you in contempt of court!” Wow, that’s even worse than regular contempt of court. The music gets all ominous here as von Karma asks Phoenix if he understands what this means. “Uh… uh huh,” Phoenix whimpers, dripping sweat. God damn. THEY ARE CALLED BALLS. GROW SOME NOW. Edgeworth is starting to fantasize about meeting a buff, forceful man in prison.
Maya, glaring at Phoenix, points out that Lotta’s testimony sucks all kinds of rotting donkey ass. She clearly wants him to do something about it, like fucking stand up and object already. “If I can’t say anything, what can I do?” Phoenix wonders helplessly. Man, this is not looking good at all for Edgeworth. The Judge announces that no further evidence is necessary, and he is ready to send Edgeworth’s pretty ass to the penitentiary. “Mr. Miles Edgeworth, please take the stand,” he orders. Phoenix’s life flashes before his eyes, and most of it involves Edgeworth naked.
But now is the part in Sam’s script where a mystery person yells “Hold it!” in order to halt the proceedings. The camera flashes dramatically on each character in turn before the Judge wonders who’s responsible for this interruption. In a perfect world, it would be Phoenix, balls intact, ready to take on von Karma, peehole be damned. But of course it isn’t — it’s Maya of all people. Yes, the teenage girl is coming to Edgeworth’s rescue. The Judge is more confused than usual — he thinks Maya just needs a bathroom break. It would be funny if that’s all it was, but the dramatic organ music indicates otherwise. And then Maya does something totally awesome — she tells Lotta what every sane person in this courtroom (assuming there are any) is thinking. As great as this part is, I think it could be improved with some added swearing. “Lotta Hart!” Maya yells, fists at the ready. “Your testimony is fucking shitty! You didn’t see shit! You weren’t even looking at the boat, you didn’t fucking see Edgeworth, and you sure as hell didn’t see him fire that fucking pistol! My boss is going to die of blue balls because of your lying ass. Suck my salty dick, you frizzy-haired bitch! What did you really see?!” Then she knocks over the defense table and flips off Lotta and von Karma simultaneously. Well, if she’s going to be jailed for contempt, she might as well do it in style. Unlike Phoenix, Maya has the balls of an elephant. Fuck yeah.
The Judge bangs his gavel like crazy, trying to put a stop to Maya’s heroic speaking of the truth. Lotta takes offense to Maya’s accusations and insists, “I saw him! I swear it! I saw Edgeworth…” She said it! Von Karma, upset that someone in this courtroom is stealing his thunder, orders the Judge to declare Phoenix in contempt, which he promptly does. Before the bailiff can remove Phoenix from the courtroom, Maya interjects again: “Are you fuckers blind? He didn’t say shit. That was all me, bitches.” Von Karma thinks it’s pointless to argue the matter, since this whole joke of a trial is about two seconds from its conclusion. “Isn’t that right, Mr. Wright?” von Karma sneers, hoping his creepy grin will intimidate Phoenix into agreement. But witnessing Maya’s moment of glory has inspired Phoenix’s balls to grow three sizes. To clear up any confusion — I do not mean that he was sexually aroused by her in any way. Let’s not be silly here. Instead of meekly accepting von Karma’s assertion, Phoenix musters all his courage, slams his hands on his desk, and shrills, “Wrong!” After all, while Lotta was attempting to defend herself against Maya, she clearly stated that she saw Edgeworth, something that von Karma did his best to prevent during the cross-examination. “That changes her testimony, and I have a right to cross-examine her again!” Phoenix declares in his pointy pose. Honestly, it seems like Phoenix is making shit up at this point, but everyone else gets to do it. The triumphant music backs him up here.
Von Karma desperately tries to pull his usual tricks on the Judge and prevent any further testimony. After a very long pause, the Judge basically says, “Fuck off, von Karma.” He agrees with Phoenix’s made-up rule about a new testimony. Von Karma makes one last ditch attempt to get Phoenix kicked out of court, but Maya insists again that she should be removed, blah blah blah. I feel like I’m typing the same shit over and over by this point. The Judge orders Maya arrested for contempt, and before she is roughly manhandled by the butch lesbian bailiff, Maya says to Phoenix, “I did what I could… You have to do the rest! Good luck!” That’s right, God damn it — it’s Phoenix’s turn to do his job. Maya leaves the courtroom, both middle fingers raised defiantly, yelling, “Suck it, bitches!”
Liar!
Thanks to Maya’s efforts, Edgeworth has one more chance at sweet freedom and consensual buttfucking. Phoenix still has to listen to more testimony from Lotta, though, so it’s not exactly a total win for him. Or for me. Von Karma warns Phoenix that he will not allow him to badger the witness. What this means is that Phoenix gets penalized if he does anything other than present the evidence that contradicts Lotta’s lies. Thankfully, we get to skip over the official testimony and go right to the cross-examination. Lotta’s final statement has been reworded here, which is kind of weird, but the gist is the same — she clearly saw Edgeworth on the boat.
The evidence that disproves Lotta’s statement is, to no one’s surprise, her shitty photo. “Got you. Got you, Ms. Hart! Finally!” Phoenix says with his hands on his hips, way too proud of himself for figuring out the obvious. In the trailer for the Anal Attorney movie that was released in Japan, it looks like the lawyers have giant digital projections of the evidence that they can fling at lying witnesses and each other. Although this game has nothing that high tech, I am still picturing Phoenix flinging the stupid photo at Lotta’s face. It is very therapeutic for me. Actually, Phoenix just backhands the photo while wearing his bedroom eyes (for Edgeworth’s benefit) and points out that the only thing that is “clearly visible” in the photo is the thick fog that obscures any and all detail. “This picture was taken with professional, high quality film, correct?” Phoenix pulls out of his ass. “Yet even it could not capture the faces of the men on the boat!” I guess the implication is that if this super duper awesome-o film couldn’t see shit, then neither could Lotta’s worthless human eyes. Whatever, this is a lot of talking to prove a very basic point. The Judge agrees with said point, to which von Karma objects. “That’s why I told her not to say that in her testimony! Please!” Oh, for fuck’s sake. I half expect the Judge to go, “Oh, of course you are most correct, Mr. von Karma. Please don’t violate my peehole, sir.” But he insists that Lotta answer Phoenix’s question about how in the world she could tell for certain that the blurry dildo holding the gun was Edgeworth. So she does, with another testimony. Sigh.
I doubt Phoenix is too upset about that.
Lotta uses four screens of text to explain that she used binoculars to view the scene. Jesus, this game has so many unnecessary words, and if I’m complaining about that, you know it’s bad. So yay, four statements that Phoenix can press. Although he does ask Lotta how her binoculars can magically see through fog, for some reason that fact doesn’t count as an actual contradiction. Instead, Phoenix wonders if she was really using binoculars and her camera to view meteor showers. Von Karma objects before Phoenix can get too close to the truth. This is really repetitive. At least the Judge is somewhat awake and willing to listen to reason now. Von Karma tries to claim that the camera is irrelevant, but the Judge gives Phoenix a chance to claim otherwise. Phoenix is no longer deterred by von Karma’s vague threats of “consequences” and insists, “The camera is of utmost importance, Your Honor. It is, perhaps, the key to this entire case!” He admits to himself that he’s probably overstating it a bit, and I hope to god he is because I don’t think I could take another case where an automatic camera is the main focus. But Phoenix’s bluffing allows all of us the privilege to hear Lotta testify some more about said camera. Oh joy.
Lotta amends her testimony to include the statement, “The camera was set up to take pictures of a meteor shower.” This is the obvious lie that Phoenix was waiting for — the one he has actual evidence to contradict. I didn’t really pick this apart before now, but those of you with more than two brain cells will have figured out that the camera was pointed at the lake, while meteor showers are up in the sky. And most likely obscured by the fog, to boot. Therefore, Lotta was not taking pictures of meteor showers as she claimed. “W-well then, what exactly was she photographing?” the Judge wonders. The expected answer, given the location and time of night, is “gay guys doing it.” But Phoenix has something else in mind — not to say his mind is ever not on gay guys doing it — and that’s Gourdy. To show the Judge what he’s talking about, he presents the newspaper that he borrowed from Butz with the photobombing penis. Lotta tries to deny it, demanding proof.
Just like Phoenix!
Once again, Phoenix hurls the camera and its phallic microphone at Lotta’s head. He explains that the camera was set to go off when triggered by loud noises, and the newspaper article clearly states that Gourdy made an explosive sound when it emerged. As the Judge tries to quiet the latest peanut gallery eruption, Phoenix basks in Edgeworth’s likely admiration of his deductive reasoning skills. Yeah, he’s so getting laid, he decides. Faced with Phoenix’s amazing brain powers, Lotta can no longer hide the truth. “Are all you lawyers that smart?” she wonders. All lawyers are at least that smart, I’m pretty sure. But, she adds, what the fuck does it matter anyway? Whether she was there to photograph meteor showers, Gourdy, or dudes fucking, it doesn’t really change anything about the rest of her testimony. Von Karma insults Lotta for being a superstitious moron, but agrees that it changes nothing. To Phoenix, he’s all, “Thanks for wasting our time, asshole.” Now that’s rich.