For some godawful reason Phoenix is actually interested in what Lotta said in her interview. This is one of those things that is not confidential, so Gumshoe tells Phoenix the bad news: “She says she saw Mr. Edgeworth fire the pistol.” Bullshit. Her photo is apparently the “proof” of this, because the automatic camera that is triggered by sounds like gunshots proves that she was looking at the lake at that exact moment and could see the crime taking place in detail. Whatever. When Phoenix points out that Lotta’s photo is about as incriminating and helpful as THE PHOTO, Gumshoe informs him that Lotta is going to ENHANCE! her useless photo of the dickboat, enlarging it so that everyone can see what really happened that night. Because taking a blurry, foggy nighttime photo and making it bigger is magically going to transform it into a detailed record of the crime. Well, why not? The prosecutor is probably going to use Photoshop to paste Edgeworth’s face into the image anyway. I hope he adds a lens flare over his crotch.
Phoenix is describing his latest interior design project.
Phoenix, meanwhile, is all about making things bigger, but he’s mostly worried that the magical photo enhancement will reveal Edgeworth blowing the other dude in the boat. The thought of his dramatic humiliation in front of the peanut gallery is too much to bear. Gumshoe also tells them that Lotta is the only witness in the trial tomorrow, due to the “cancellation” of the previously-mentioned decisive and very truthful witness. I’m so happy I only have to deal with recapping one shitty witness instead of two, I completely overlook how silly it is that people can just decide not to show up to court. Of course they can.
The magic of Photoshop has rendered this case unwinnable, according to Phoenix. But Gumshoe is still holding out hope that Phoenix can “convince” Edgeworth to let him take the case. I know I made that joke earlier in the recap, but that’s actually what Gumshoe says to him. “You have to make him let you defend him! Please! I know you’re the only one who can do it, pal,” he continues to beg. I don’t care what the sprite graphics say — in my version of this game, Gumshoe’s on his knees, clutching Phoenix’s lapels and sobbing into his pink tie.
Phoenix flees from Gumshoe before this scene can get any more uncomfortable and makes a beeline for the Detention Center where it’s all about to go down. And I mean that literally. On the surface, Edgeworth describing the horrific murder of his father isn’t exactly a fun, lighthearted subject, but this next scene is jammed so full of innuendo, it won’t be able to walk for a week. Just to add that extra bit of flavor to the recap, I will bold all the quotes that signify these two guys want to, to put it politely, engage in consensual sexual intercourse. In the butt.
‘I didn’t realize there was a camera set up in the men’s room.’
At first, Edgeworth seems quite disgusted to see Phoenix again, all, “No means no, Wright.” But we all know he’s just a tease. “I’m not in the mood for idle banter, Wright,” he warns when Phoenix continues to thrust meaningless evidence at him. Finally, Phoenix thrusts the photo of Maya’s mother forward, and against all sense and reason, this woman does get his attention. This part is pretty dumb anyway, because Phoenix could have just said, “Hey, I know about the DL-6 case. What’s the deal, yo?” Just showing him a picture doesn’t mean anything, really. But whatever, the more I point out stupid crap, the longer it will take to get to the juicy stuff. “I’ll admit it, I’m impressed, Wright. You were always single-minded in your work, though. Once you start on something, you always see it through, don’t you?” Edgeworth lays it on thick. Phoenix can barely control himself by this point, but manages to stay on the topic of DL-6. Edgeworth admits that he didn’t want Phoenix to know about DL-6, and that’s why he’s been pushing Phoenix away from defending him. “I’m sorry if it sounded like I thought you weren’t up to the job,” he adds, mentally running his hand up Phoenix’s thigh.
Phoenix desperately wants to get Maya and the glass window out of here, stat. This is killing him.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, Edgeworth decides he can let down his guard. “I see no point in hiding anything from you now,” he informs Phoenix, although I bet he’d be perfectly okay with Phoenix hiding something. Namely his wiener.
Unfortunately, Phoenix has to keep probing Edgeworth about his dead dad, which has to be the world’s biggest boner killer. Damn it. Edgeworth tells Phoenix (and Maya — yes, she’s still there, despite Phoenix’s wishes) that he witnessed his father get shot to death fifteen years ago on December 28th, although he doesn’t remember it clearly because of post-traumatic stress or something. But just so that the rest of us aren’t kept completely in the dark, we are treated to what I’m guessing is a crime scene photo of Edgeworth Sr. slumped against a wall with a bloody gunshot wound in his chest. There aren’t any more double-entendres from this point on, so I won’t bother to quote any of the rest of Edgeworth’s story. Plus, he doesn’t really tell Phoenix and Maya anything they don’t already know. Shit, he even mentions “the spirit medium” that channeled his father’s spirit and wang. Actually, there is one new detail, and it’s one that makes the whole scenario pretty ridiculous — Edgeworth tells them that the guy who was arrested was the only one who could possibly have committed the crime. And he makes it sound like the guy was arrested even before Misty Fey was consulted.
Okay, wait. So the police had to use a spirit medium because they couldn’t find the killer, except that there was only one guy who could have done it and the police already knew about him. Then, the spirit medium failed, except that she didn’t because she was able to channel the victim and Gregory Edgeworth gave her the name of the obvious killer, except that guy was found not guilty which means that the spirit medium was a fraud. Nothing about this makes the slightest bit of sense. Can we just get to Phoenix and Edgeworth making out already?
Maya reveals that the spirit medium, the woman in the photo, is her mother. This appears to shock Edgeworth, like he couldn’t figure out that this girl who wears distinctive spirit medium clothing and has the last name of Fey is related to the DL-6 spirit medium Misty Fey. Well, that’s just further proof that Edgeworth pays zero attention to the ladies, I guess. “I thought that terrible incident was about to end, and now…this,” Edgeworth sighs. When Phoenix presses him for more details, Edgeworth explains that the statute of limitations on DL-6 runs out in three days, on December 28th. It’s kind of weird that Edgeworth would consider a statute of limitations on his father’s murder a good thing, especially since the killer was never punished. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that trials in this game also last three days.
So that’s about it for Edgeworth’s fairly unhelpful version of events. He does add that the suspect in the DL-6 case went into hiding, but he would be about 50 years old now if he happened to magically show up which I’m sure will not happen during this case at all. “(It’d be hard to live a normal life after being a murder suspect in such a big case.)” Phoenix blue-fonts with no irony whatsoever. Maya tries to get Edgeworth to talk about his dead dad some more, but Edgeworth seems very testy on the subject of his dad’s occupation for some reason.
Now comes the moment that Phoenix has been waiting for since the beginning of this recap. Okay, not that moment. The other one, where Edgeworth finally asks Phoenix to defend him in court. This does count as foreplay, though. Phoenix gets a “choice” to accept or not, and although nothing in the world — not even a 90%-off sale on pink ties — could tear Phoenix away from protecting the man he loves, the negative answer here results in much better dialogue.
Heeeeeeeeee
“Sorry, charley! No way!” Phoenix yells. What does the office plant have to do with this? Both Edgeworth and Maya stare at him in shock over his refusal. But Phoenix is just fucking with them. “I was kidding! Just a little joke!” “There was nothing little…” Edgeworth begins. “…or joke-like about it!” Maya finishes, missing where Edgeworth was going with that. Maya demands a do-over. “How could I refuse you, Edgeworth?” Phoenix asks in as husky a manner as his girl voice can manage. I bet he even has his bedroom eyes on and everything. “Thank you, Wright,” Edgeworth responds, but what he’s really saying is, “Fuck me, Wright.”
Yes! They’re back together again! Phoenix has sooooooo much to write in his (pink) diary!
But ugh, he has to go through that whole trial before they can have reconciliation buttsex. I’m sure a quickie on the defendant lobby couch isn’t out of the question.
“This is my chance to finally pay you back,” Phoenix says out of the blue. I guess that means he’s working pro boner bono. Edgeworth doesn’t understand exactly what favor Phoenix is returning. “I don’t remember ever doing anything for you,” he adds. Now he’s just being coy. Or maybe there aren’t any favors that Phoenix didn’t already return, if you know what I’m saying. Phoenix doesn’t care to elaborate about his sexual scorekeeping in front of Maya. Shrugging, Edgeworth somehow manages to slip his letter of request into Phoenix’s pocket through the glass. “Please give it to Detective Gumshoe.” I wish I hadn’t bolded that.
That’s what he said.
Suddenly the DS screen shakes wildly. This time it’s an earthquake, and not a wildly emotional reaction from a male character. An earthquake in the, er, subtle animation style of this game involves Maya narrating the entire scene for our benefit. When she declares the earthquake to be over, Phoenix can’t find Edgeworth anywhere on the screen. “There. He’s on the floor in a ball, shivering,” Maya points out. A naked lady must have passed through the room during the earthquake. The two of them decide to leave the traumatized prosecutor alone on the floor, which is very dickish of Phoenix especially, so that they can make it back to the Criminal Affairs Department in time to deliver the letter of request to Gumshoe. Phoenix doesn’t really want to part with it — god only knows what Gumshoe will do with something that Edgeworth touched.
‘Be more gentle next time, Nick!’
Gumshoe is visibly relieved when Phoenix shows him the fuchsia note written in Edgeworth’s careful hand (likely with a fuchsia fountain pen he smuggled into the Detention Center). Okay, it’s not really fuchsia on the screen, but I’m pretty sure they reused the graphic for the note, and there’s no way Edgeworth wrote that on drab white paper even if he had to blow a guard to get the fuchsia paper delivered. Gumshoe also mentions the earthquake and adds that he was Very Worried when it happened. Not that he gave a shit about Phoenix or Maya’s well-being — he was only concerned for his precious Mr. Edgeworth. Apparently Gumshoe is familiar with his deep fear of earthquakes. Phoenix gets a little jealous that Gumshoe knows this when he didn’t — did Gumshoe get to spoon Edgeworth when he was curled up in fear at some point?
Phoenix and Maya ponder Edgeworth’s earthquake phobia, which developed after Phoenix knew him in school. But Phoenix lost touch with him since Edgeworth transferred out of school suddenly. I wonder some major life event caused the transfer, but I just can’t think of what that could be. Phoenix wonders the exact same thing, but unlike me, he’s not being sarcastic. Jesus, Phoenix, he witnessed his DAD get FUCKING MURDERED. It’s like Phoenix can’t reconcile that this kid he knew for a short time fifteen years ago grew up with different personality traits, phobias, and professional aspirations. Now if Edgeworth had showed up married to a woman and had six biological kids, then I could understand if Phoenix was confused.
And that’s where the first day’s investigation ends. Sure, Phoenix has nothing to show for it except someone else’s shitty, possibly incriminating photo, but more importantly, Edgeworth is once again willing to engage in sexytimes with him the next time they’re not separated by a physical barrier. Overall, it’s been a successful day.
As it’s already taken me over a year to write this damn recap, I’m going to end here and save the trial portion for the next recap. I’m so sad that I have to postpone the cross-examination of an annoying female witness and her limp photo evidence, because that’s my favorite thing in the world. See you in Part 6!