My suspicions are confirmed when this individual whips off his hat and beard to reveal his true identity: Larry Butz. Just what Phoenix needed to top off this jewel of a day — an encounter with his dipshit ex-boyfriend. “What are you doing here!?” Phoenix yells in exasperation. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m working my day job!” Butz responds with his usual goofy grin. Wow, I didn’t realize playing a Santa hooker was a daytime activity. Also, if this is his day job, that implies that he has a night job, too. I don’t even want to think about what that might be.

Holy crap.

In addition to the other duties his day job entails, he also mans the Samurai Wieners stand. Of course he does. “Want one?” Butz offers. Phoenix isn’t one to turn down a juicy wiener, but he has too much on his mind right now. Especially when Butz continues to blab about how he works this job so he has enough money to date the sexy ladies and their vaginas that he so loves having sex with. His latest, er, “conquest” is supposedly a woman named Kiyance. “(K-Kiyance…? Not another model, I hope…)” Phoenix scoffs to himself. He seems offended at the idea of Butz “dating” models — I’m not sure why. Is he upset that Butz is still lying to himself and everyone around him? Is he jealous because his ex-boyfriend has a new love interest (or “love interest”)? This whole situation is so weird, I don’t know where to begin.

I’ll recap a bit more of the conversation before delving into an analysis of Larry Butz’s fucked up love life, if you can even call it that. “Oh, Kiyance’s a fine, fine woman, Nick. It was her idea that I wear this costume! She was all ‘You go girlfriend!’ Y’know? She bought this costume for me!” he gushes. If Butz were testifying in court, Phoenix would be able to object to every one of those statements and point out the contradictions with hard evidence. Then Butz decides to prove how straight he is by hitting on Maya, of all people. He even plasters what he hopes is a pervy grin on his face, but his cheek is twitching the whole time as if this requires a lot of effort. Of course even a simple conversation introducing Maya to Butz has to be fraught with misunderstandings — I mean, Butz thinks Maya is Phoenix’s girlfriend, for Christ’s sake. Phoenix clears that up right away — he doesn’t want rumors to get started about him being straight, after all.

I’m just going to skip past some of the less important hotdog-related dialogue — if I recap in detail every conversation about phallic objects, I’ll never finish this fucking thing. Phoenix waves his golden sphincter in Butz’s face, for old time’s sake. Butz remembers how Phoenix got him off all those months ago. He’s still grateful for that, but is unable to pay Phoenix for his courtroom services, at least not monetarily. “(Cause you blow it all on ‘Kiyance’…!)” Phoenix inwardly shrieks. I like how he’s suspicious enough of Butz’s “girlfriend” to put her name in quotes. Oh, but Butz is willing to let Phoenix have as many Samurai Wieners as he can stuff in his mouth, because that will totally pay off his legal fees. Okay, actually, I can see that working. Maya is willing to take Butz up on his offer, which is kind of strange and wrong. Women sucking down sausages is not really a common theme in this series.

Phoenix doesn’t have time to stand around and talk about wieners all day — at least not with Butz. He wonders if Butz knows anything about last night’s murder, since he works at the park and all. Phoenix must have deduced that Butz’s night job is also at the park (and probably also selling wieners). “Nick, you’re wasting your time. Last night was Christmas Eve! He was with Kiyance, obviously! He wouldn’t have been standing out here in the cold!” Maya incorrectly assumes. Even Butz looks sick when she says this, but tries to cover it with, “N-no, it’s just… Kiyance’s not in town right now. She… she’s in Hawaii on a photo shoot.” Of course she is. “(A model. I knew it.)” Phoenix bitterly blue-fonts. I’m not sure if he’s being sarcastic or if he really believes Butz’s story.

Okay, now we can examine Butz’s situation in a little more detail. Sam and I have exchanged many e-mails trying to figure out what exactly is going on with him. His cover story is that he’s: a) straight, and b) dating attractive female models who return his sincere romantic interest. There’s no way that either of these things is the slightest bit true. So what is really going on with the Butz? In terms of a), is he in complete denial even to himself, or does he just want to hide his homosexuality from the rest of the world for some reason? In terms of b), there are even more possibilities. First, do these supposed models actually exist, or are they imaginary? If they exist, they must have been born with penises, so are they male models or drag queens? If they are drag queens, does Butz realize they are not biological women, or is he convinced that he is dating 100% genuine vagina-owners? Using the available evidence, Sam and I were still not able to come to a conclusion on which of these theories is correct.

After mulling it over for a while and even consulting John, I’m still undecided on whether Larry Butz realizes he’s gay or not. Yeah, he’s hooked up with Phoenix, but he could probably rationalize that to himself as experimentation, as many guys in denial do. As for what’s really going on with whom he’s dating (or not dating), my current opinion is that this is a total “my girlfriend who lives in Canada” situation where he’s making all this shit up. The one thing that was confusing me for a while was Butz’s description of Kiyance as saying “You go girlfriend!” because I can totally see a sassy drag queen snapping her fingers at him while saying that. But then Sam pointed out to me that Butz’s descriptions of his “girlfriends” remind her of that scene from 40-Year-Old Virgin where Andy is trying to act like he’s been with a woman before but then his story falls apart when he says that boobs feel like bags of sand. In other words, Butz is inventing things that he thinks an actual straight woman would say to her straight boyfriend, but it just comes off as odd and unnatural.

Before you point this out — yes, I know that Cindy Stone was an actual female model, but she’s conveniently dead so Butz can make up anything he wants about her and his naked man clock.

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I know I’ve put way too much thought into this, but Sam and I have become professional overthinkers of pretty much everything in this game, so that is going to be reflected in the recaps. Besides, I wouldn’t be doing my job as a recapper if I just accepted Larry Butz’s ridiculous stories at face value.

Well, Phoenix is trying to stay on topic here, so I guess I probably should, too. He tells an uninterested Butz that the murder trial is tomorrow. “The defendant is Edgeworth. Miles Edgeworth,” Phoenix adds, as if this has any importance to Butz. Maya, too, wonders why Butz would give a shit about the prosecutor. But guess what! “Whoa, Nick! You don’t mean THAT Miles Edgeworth!? Old Edgey!?” Butz freaks. Holy shit, Butz knows Edgeworth! And Phoenix has slept with both of them! God, this game really is a soap opera. It turns out that Phoenix, Butz, and Edgeworth were all in the same class in grade school. Seeing as how I’m not Seymour, I can’t find anything sexy about that scenario — it’s not like they were college roommates with benefits, which would have been awesome. Upon finding out that a bunch of obviously gay dudes have a past connection, Maya nearly shits herself in shock.

I’m going in order through the dialogue options, which would explain the very random and clunky segue into a conversation about Samurai Wieners. Okay, I guess wieners are never really off-topic for this game. Once upon a time, the wieners used to be Gourd Dogs, because like in the tiny picture on the sign, they are shaped like gourds (balls) and it’s a play on “guard dogs.” I never thought a conversation revolving around wieners and scrotum-shaped objects could be so deathly boring. I have to type this next speech of Butz’s verbatim because it’s full of hilarity: “The Samurai thing was Kiyance’s idea. Oh, she’s my woman, y’know. She was all, ‘change the name and you go girlfriend!’ She made me that banner! Man, the kids can’t get enough of those Samurai [Wieners]!” Um, holy crap. “Something about that just seems…wrong,” Maya responds. And by “something,” she of course means “everything.” Butz is super excited because the totally-not-at-all-fake Gourdy is bringing all sorts of batshit crazy customers to his wiener stand. Okay, so the park is either deserted because of the murder or crowded because of Gourdy. I guess the game designers can have it both ways since you can’t see NPCs on the static backgrounds at Gourd Lake. Whatever. I think Butz’s stand is popular because of his $2 tug jobs, but that’s just my opinion.

Maya switches the subject back to Edgeworth, a way more interesting topic anyway. She wants to know all the dirty (or not-so-dirty) details of their schoolboy antics. Not only did Phoenix, Butz, and Edgeworth all know each other, but they played with each other all the time back in the day. Of course I mean this in the most platonic, non-pervy sense, but I have no control over how your sick minds interpret it. According to Butz, young Miles had a stick up his ass, even back then. “Studying all the time, trying to ‘be like father,'” Butz rolls his eyes. If adult Miles is anything to go by, his father must have been Oscar Wilde. Apparently not — Butz goes on to explain that Edgeworth Sr. was a famous defense attorney. So that means that Miles Edgeworth is attracted to a man in the same profession as his father — hello, daddy issues! At least Phoenix is his own age — it allows me to not be as squicked out by this. But it’s still pretty dirty.

This correlation is lost on Maya — she’s more concerned with the fact that Edgeworth’s legal career took a very different path. “But Mr. Edgeworth is a prosecuting attorney!” she exclaims, like it’s weird that he doesn’t have the exact job he wanted when he was nine. “What? Edgey’s got a proboscis on his knee!?” Butz derps. I like how “prosecuting attorney” is too difficult for him to understand (even though he’s been in court), but he knows the much more unusual word “proboscis.” Also, if Edgeworth did have a proboscis on his knee, I’m sure Phoenix would fuck it. Butz is much less perturbed that Edgeworth changed between the ages of 9 and 24, and continues to reminisce about all the lame shit young Miles used to spout back in school: “He always used to talk about defending the ‘weak’ who were ‘unable to defend themselves.’ Man, he used to go on and on about man’s duty to society and all that. What a bore!” Okay, that does sound pretty boring for a fourth grader, but Butz is basically describing Phoenix’s personality here. I’m sure that’s a total coincidence. Butz and Maya want to know why Edgeworth changed his mind about becoming a defense attorney, but Phoenix only contributes a string of meaningful ellipses. Drama!

The conversation zigzags back to Gourdy again. I suppose I should have tried to put these different dialogue choices into a more sensible order, but why should I have to do all the work here? After Maya is brought up to speed on the possible existence of a mysterious beast in this relatively small lake, Butz whips out yesterday’s newspaper and shows her the article in question, complete with photo. A young couple stands in front of the lake, photobombed by a big black penis rising out of the lake behind them. That’s way more hilarious than a squirrel. Gullible Maya has a jizzfest over this “r-really real” monster, but Phoenix remains skeptical. “It’s probably just a log or something…right?” Yes, Phoenix. A log.

PENIS!

Of course the article has to include a quote from one of the photobombees, like any of us give a shit. I would skip this if I could, but it’s actually relevant to the case, so it sucks to be me. “‘I set the camera to automatic, and when we got into the frame…I heard a loud ‘bang’! Like an explosion…followed by the sound of something slipping into the water,'” Phoenix reads. This might be the first time in his life Phoenix has actually read a newspaper. I shouldn’t have to point this out, but Phoenix currently has in his evidence sack a camera that is triggered by loud bangs and explosions. See how this is all coming together? Just like Phoenix and Edgeworth.

Phoenix convinces Butz to give him the newspaper because he’s too cheap and lazy to hunt down his own copy. It is now evidence for Phoenix to present when he finally catches up to the rest of us. That won’t be for a long time, so let’s move along. Not wanting to deal with Larry anymore, Phoenix and Maya take a cab or even a bus to the Criminal Affairs Department, where Gumshoe is interviewing an “important witness” who just showed up out of the blue. That’s referring to Lotta, in case you were thrown off like I was by the “important” descriptor. Just so that this trip isn’t a total waste, Phoenix eavesdrops on that creepy detective in the background. “…move in the crowd. Wear drab clothes… Never enter the target’s field of vision…” he mutters in what I assume is a quavery NAMBLA voice. This time, Phoenix’s innocent interpretation is that this guy is practicing for trailing a suspect. Whatever, he’s totally rehearsing his stalking skills. I know I just spent half a paragraph on this completely throwaway dialogue when I rush past the actual plot-related stuff, but if I have to deal with Lotta, Gourdy, and the Butz, I think I’ve more than earned the right to amuse myself.